LostinLove2 Posted July 13, 2021 Share Posted July 13, 2021 We’ve been together for 3.5 years. We’ve been bickering a lot lately or maybe it’s just me bickering. I’m ready for things to move forward. I’m ready for it to just be us. All he keeps saying is “be patient” and our future is dependent on “my patience.” Im running out of patience. Last night we had a text fight about him not wanting to meet my family. He said he’s just not ready yet. For me, if they aren’t important to meet, then I’m not important enough to him. He got all annoyed and said we need a 2 week break. I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. I love him. I really do. I just feel like if it hasn’t happened after 3.5 years, it’s never going to. I’m not stuck in the sunken cost fallacy, I just truly don’t know what to do. I know it’s easy for an outsider to say, “he’s feeding you a line. Just leave. They are all the same. Read the forums. Textbook case” but we’ve been through so much in these 3.5 years. I haven’t made it easy on him and he could’ve easily found someone else, but he hasn’t. You can’t say it’s too comfortable for him not to either. I don’t like being the other woman and it constantly weighs on my mind. My feelings of staying vs leaving flip flop all the time. He knows I waiver, yet he’s still here. I’m just so lost. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 13, 2021 Share Posted July 13, 2021 (edited) 42 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said: Last night we had a text fight about him not wanting to meet my family. Why are you asking a married man to meet your family? 42 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said: I haven’t made it easy on him and he could’ve easily found someone else He already has someone else - his wife. I appreciate that you have developed deep feelings for the man and it’s difficult to walk away… but, it seems to me that you are trying to build a legitimate relationship with another woman’s husband. It doesn’t seem like this is working very well for you. Perhaps, it’s time to accept the reality here and go in search of a man who can offer you that which you are seeking. This man isn’t/hasn’t/won’t. Edited July 13, 2021 by BaileyB 5 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 13, 2021 Share Posted July 13, 2021 47 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said: He got all annoyed and said we need a 2 week break. Pressure to meet the parents is too real for him so he needs a break. If he hasn't separated or divorced in 3.5 years it's probably not going to happen. You say you've been through a lot together during that time but he and his wife have been through more and a longer length of time. What is preventing him from divorce? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Yosemite Posted July 13, 2021 Share Posted July 13, 2021 (edited) 52 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said: He knows I waiver, yet he’s still here. He's not there, he's with his wife. I don't think you understand or appreciate how hard it is for a married man to find a woman who's willing to 1) be the other woman 2) not tell his wife 3) turn off her mind and believe his easily disproved lies and 4) accept the crumbs that he tosses at her here and there in exchange for good sex. He wants to maintain the status quo. He doesn't want to leave his wife. Why do you want your family to know that you're the side chick? That's so embarrassing/humiliating. Edited July 13, 2021 by Yosemite 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostinLove2 Posted July 13, 2021 Author Share Posted July 13, 2021 7 minutes ago, BaileyB said: it seems to me that you are trying to build a legitimate relationship with another woman’s husband. It doesn’t seem like this is working very well for you. That’s exactly what I’m trying to do. You’re right. After so many years, I want the white-picket fence. I want him to own up to saying we have a future, I just have to be patient. It’s always his timeline and his rules. Deep down I know this is something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostinLove2 Posted July 13, 2021 Author Share Posted July 13, 2021 3 minutes ago, stillafool said: What is preventing him from divorce? They have a 7 year old daughter. He comes from a divorced family himself and saw how much his mom struggled. He wants to be there for his child. I think had their not been a child, they’d be divorced already. In all honesty, had their not been a child at all, they never would’ve married. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 13, 2021 Share Posted July 13, 2021 (edited) 11 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said: That’s exactly what I’m trying to do. You’re right. After so many years, I want the white-picket fence. I want him to own up to saying we have a future, I just have to be patient. It’s always his timeline and his rules. Deep down I know this is something. But, he has something else with another woman. So much so, that he decided to put a ring on her finger, build a white picket fence with her, and have a child with her. You seem to minimize this, it’s not wise. If you don’t like his timeline and his rules, you can vote with your feet. He’s not telling you that you have a future together because you don’t - you can’t, he is married to another woman. That isn’t an inconvenient truth that you can just ignore, as if she doesn’t exist. You can wait as long as you like, he’s clearly shown you where his priorities are - ignore that at your own peril. Edited July 13, 2021 by BaileyB 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 13, 2021 Share Posted July 13, 2021 (edited) 17 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said: I think had their not been a child, they’d be divorced already. Says every OW on this board… The fact is, he has a seven year old child. Would it be different if they didn’t have a child - you will never know, because they DO have a child and he has chosen to stay in his marriage. Edited July 13, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostinLove2 Posted July 13, 2021 Author Share Posted July 13, 2021 I’m sorry. His daughter is 6. They got married right before she gave birth. We’ve been together for 3.5 years. About half his marriage. Sigh. Link to post Share on other sites
Luna66star Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 I'm sorry but in this case you will be waiting ad infinitum. Can you get on a dating site and meet single men? Please do that or join some groups to meet other people. Life is too short. He is not the man for you. He would have already left his wife for you by now, if he truly loved you. Maybe he cares about you of course. But it's his wife he loves. You are being used and strung along. It's the same sad, dead ending with married men we hear on this blog. I hope you can come out of this fantasy full force now and - move on! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 7 hours ago, LostinLove2 said: That’s exactly what I’m trying to do. You’re right. After so many years, I want the white-picket fence. I want him to own up to saying we have a future, I just have to be patient. It’s always his timeline and his rules. Deep down I know this is something. He's controlling you because you always go back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 It's only now hitting home the mess you have got yourself into. Now you are getting desperate, if he does not step up and make you legitimate, then you have in effect wasted 3.5 years on a lost cause. Like so many OWs you were certain he WOULD ultimately choose you,, so to you it was a calculated risk. After 3.5 years and no progress, the "sure-fire bet" is not looking so good. You are deeper involved,, you can smell victory, but the smell of defeat is getting stronger daily.. You want him to produce a sign to say he is truly serious about you. Bottom line is he doesn't want to do that, else he would/would have. You tested him by asking him to meet your family, but he refused. Of course he did, he is a married man, he is not some suitor for your hand, he is a guy getting some side action, to put it bluntly. Awkward. The last thing he wants is his cover blown. You are so caught up in this "relationship", you do not see the ridiculousness of that situation. You want it all, he, I guess, just wants an OW. You don't want to back down and let "her" win, you don't want to admit defeat, you want him to choose you, but you chose the wrong man. This man is taken, he has a young child, he is the product of a broken home, he does not want history repeating. There is no need to be "lost", the path is very clearly signposted. You either accept the OW role and carry on for as long as it lasts or you walk away now. This man isn't leaving his wife and child for you nor I guess anyone. (BTW when people get caught between two lovers it is usually because neither lover on their own is "enough" for them to choose only one to go forward with, so they want and need both.) 6 Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 10 hours ago, LostinLove2 said: We’ve been together for 3.5 years. We’ve been bickering a lot lately or maybe it’s just me bickering. I’m ready for things to move forward. I’m ready for it to just be us. All he keeps saying is “be patient” and our future is dependent on “my patience.” Im running out of patience. Last night we had a text fight about him not wanting to meet my family. He said he’s just not ready yet. For me, if they aren’t important to meet, then I’m not important enough to him. He got all annoyed and said we need a 2 week break. I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. I love him. I really do. I just feel like if it hasn’t happened after 3.5 years, it’s never going to. I’m not stuck in the sunken cost fallacy, I just truly don’t know what to do. I know it’s easy for an outsider to say, “he’s feeding you a line. Just leave. They are all the same. Read the forums. Textbook case” but we’ve been through so much in these 3.5 years. I haven’t made it easy on him and he could’ve easily found someone else, but he hasn’t. You can’t say it’s too comfortable for him not to either. I don’t like being the other woman and it constantly weighs on my mind. My feelings of staying vs leaving flip flop all the time. He knows I waiver, yet he’s still here. I’m just so lost. He is stringing you along. Every time he says just wait, be patient. You do. Eventually you will eventually snap, but is that going to be in 1 yr, 2 yrs or another 3.5 along the line? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whaatamidoing Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 I feel so deeply for you right now. I have been there. The other posts are so correct. I know you think you know him, I know you think its different and you were meant to be together, you probably feel anger at his wife for ruining this dream life you had planned. I have to say please wake up, I did double the time you have and a bit more. Just being patient, just being there for him, listening, rearranging my life and plans so it fits in with him because he cant just be spontaneous with you. Always compromising your happiness or reasonable expectation to see things from his point of view. Much less than you would expect from a normal out in the open relationship. I know its hard, its awful in fact but if someone had spoken to me after 3.5 years and told me it would be like this until you are a shadow of your former self, never trusting, always second guessing, always looking for hidden meaning in a text, looking in the mirror and really disliking what you see because you'll never be as good as the wife he stays with, I would have run a mile whilst I was still the bubbly confident person I was when he met me. Please, I beg you to be strong enough to walk away from him. I know, I have been where you are and it doesn't get better. Yosemite lists the qualities he wants and you are giving him, I was the same, thought it was the right thing to do for the sake of us but all the time it was destroying me. I loved him, there was no doubt about it but I also grew to hate him, very conflicting emotions, he never considered me or how it would feel to be let down or lied to, would only ever consider himself and his situation and even worse right in front of me always, always put his wife first, answering her calls in front of me, telling me where they were going on holiday. I am a very broken person. I remember my family having lunch in a near by pub and I said come along, noone cares, we work together so seems normal. He refused, it was literally a bit of lunch, this says so much more than we think it does. Actions so often speak louder than words. Please come back here and air your thoughts and worries, its so helpful to read through other peoples experiences and the scary similarities that many of our stories have. Good luck to you. 6 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 (edited) 10 hours ago, LostinLove2 said: I don’t like being the other woman You're not lost. You're simply wasting your time on someone's husband instead living your own life. Is this the same man?: Edited July 14, 2021 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostinLove2 Posted July 14, 2021 Author Share Posted July 14, 2021 Every single post from you guys has hit home. You are all correct. This is precisely why I reached out and asked for advice from an outsider looking in. I think I’m too buried and almost too far gone to see the writing on the wall. What’s sad to me is that I was perfectly happy being single. I pushed potential mates away because I was independent and living life. He came along and threw a wrench in my happiness. I’m a shell of a person who is accepting breadcrumbs. Why? I’m smarter than that. So now I ask, how do I undo this? Diving headfirst into no contact is too hard. It’s been 3.5 years. I want to break free. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 12 hours ago, LostinLove2 said: 1) I’m ready for things to move forward. I’m ready for it to just be us. All he keeps saying is “be patient” and our future is dependent on “my patience.” Im running out of patience. 2) Last night we had a text fight about him not wanting to meet my family. He said he’s just not ready yet. For me, if they aren’t important to meet, then I’m not important enough to him. He got all annoyed and said we need a 2 week break. 3) I just truly don’t know what to do. 4) I know it’s easy for an outsider to say, “he’s feeding you a line. Just leave. They are all the same. Read the forums. Textbook case” 5) we’ve been through so much in these 3.5 years. I haven’t made it easy on him and he could’ve easily found someone else, but he hasn’t. You can’t say it’s too comfortable for him not to either. I don’t like being the other woman and it constantly weighs on my mind. My feelings of staying vs leaving flip flop all the time. He knows I waiver, yet he’s still here. 1) You are... he is not. His statement is just an open ended way of putting yo in your place. 2) You tried to put your foot down, and he gave you a punishment. Is that want you really want in a partner? 3) Yes you do. You need to leave. 4) The reason you brought all of that up is because you know that is the truth. But you don't want to hear it. You came here, hopping to get a different answer. 5) What have you been through.... in actuality?? You have been his side chick, and he's been getting sex. Period. Since he has a wife and kid... I'm guessing you haven't really done much other than going on "Dates". And if he hasn't even met your family... then you know that he really doesn't care. Besides... you have been lying to yourself... are you going to lie to your family too? Or would you really bring him around and say... "Here's my BF... he's married with a kid." (think about that one) 11 hours ago, LostinLove2 said: Deep down I know this is something. No. Deep down you know there is nothing... and that's why you are here posting. 11 hours ago, LostinLove2 said: They have a 7 year old daughter. He comes from a divorced family himself and saw how much his mom struggled. He wants to be there for his child. I think had their not been a child, they’d be divorced already. In all honesty, had their not been a child at all, they never would’ve married. He can be there for his kid, and have an exW. So... if that's a line he is giving you... it's a load of BS. I'm there for my kids regardless of being D. 11 hours ago, LostinLove2 said: We’ve been together for 3.5 years. About half his marriage. Sigh. That statement should tell you that you are nothing other than a sex toy to him. You keep the secret in hopes to win a prize. But there is no prize in the end. Do you really want to waste your life with someone who isn't really there for you? You are here, because you know that you need to break a way. We all understand that you have feelings... but your life will never be yours until you do what you know is right. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 15 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said: So now I ask, how do I undo this? Diving headfirst into no contact is too hard. It’s been 3.5 years. I want to break free. I think we posted at the same time...... Yes... it is hard. But it should be easier since he is trying to "Punish" you with a 2 week separation. Send him a message saying "I've given you 3.5 years to figure things out. You are now punishing me because I want a life together. This will be the last time I bother you." After that... BLOCK HIM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you allow messages to come through, then it will be harder. Then, focus on that happy, single life for a while. I wish you happiness in moving forward. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 17 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said: What’s sad to me is that I was perfectly happy being single. I pushed potential mates away because I was independent and living life. He came along and threw a wrench in my happiness. I’m a shell of a person who is accepting breadcrumbs. Why? I’m smarter than that Because you saw potential in him that the other guys didn't have. I believe MM appeal to women as they have had the rough edges knocked off them by living with a women and being a father.. They often know how to talk to women and some of them were players and guys who were successful with women in their previous lives. They say and do all the right things to get an OW on board. They are often seen as a catch, and any woman struggling to find the single version, may opt for the married one. The hope being, to wow him so much, he will leave his wife. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 1 hour ago, LostinLove2 said: Diving headfirst into no contact is too hard. It’s the only answer. Find something to keep you busy - family, friends, exercise, take a new class, get a dog. Block and distract. It’s the only way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 46 minutes ago, elaine567 said: They are often seen as a catch, and any woman struggling to find the single version, may opt for the married one. And then, they lament about how difficult it is to find a single man who meets the same qualities as MM. The thing is, there are many single men out there who won’t lie to them and disrespect them. They just have to have the courage to go out there and find one. Or, be ok as a singelton for a while. She has the illusion of being in a relationship right now. When in reality, she is a singleton. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostinLove2 Posted July 14, 2021 Author Share Posted July 14, 2021 2 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: Send him a message saying "I've given you 3.5 years to figure things out. You are now punishing me because I want a life together. This will be the last time I bother you." I think this is exactly what I am going to do. This comment is perfect!!! I can’t say enough how I appreciate all of you. I think I knew it all along, I just needed to see it in writing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostinLove2 Posted July 14, 2021 Author Share Posted July 14, 2021 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: She has the illusion of being in a relationship right now. When in reality, she is a singleton. This statement is spot on. I see it as a relationship and he clearly sees it as a fling. I am alright with being single. That’s not the problem. The problem is untangling and undoing this mess I got myself into. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 15 hours ago, LostinLove2 said: I haven’t made it easy on him and he could’ve easily found someone else, but he hasn’t. Say whaaaaaat?!? He has found someone else...his wife! I caution you to not dismiss her in your mind as an inconvenient hurdle or a non-entity. She's still very much present in his life. She is THE reason he's not with you and he's not going to change that. His excuses are a load of bull. If he really wanted to change his whole life for you he would do it. Why would he? You've made it all too easy for him. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 (edited) 15 hours ago, LostinLove2 said: My feelings of staying vs leaving flip flop all the time. He knows I waiver, yet he’s still here. Yet YOU'RE still here. See the difference? Edited July 14, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel Grammer Link to post Share on other sites
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