I'm finally FREE

[Prudence V]

15 hours ago, LostinLove2 said:

I’m ready for things to move forward. I’m ready for it to just be us. All he keeps saying is “be patient” and our future is dependent on “my patience.”

I was an OW for about 3.5 years (now married to fMM). So I’m not just another of the doom-and-gloom merchants who will tell you As never “work out” into FTRs. They can, and sometimes do - if both parties want them to. But that doesn’t seem to be the case here. It seems that you are on different pages about what you want in the short, medium and possibly even long term. 
 

You’ve outgrown the A and want to transition to FTR. He likes having the A to augment his existing FTR. This isn’t a good match. It sounds as if he is far too comfortable having both. If he did leave his M and embark on a FTR, it sounds as if he would miss it, would flip-flop and either go back or feel incomplete in the new FTR (leading either to depression or OOW, as we’ve sometimes seen on these boards).
 

He’s not finished with his M, and hasn’t outgrown the A. You have. He’s no longer a good fit for your R needs. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

14 hours ago, BaileyB said:

He already has someone else - his wife. 

And again! 😳 I swear I am not copying you, Bailey. I guess we think alike. Dang, I said the same thing but with different punctuation. It's a little creepy how I write a response to an OP, then go read others' responses to find my words were already written by you. It's a little awkward for me but really it's a funny coincidence. I hope you don't think I'm copying and pasting your words or something. 😄

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 hour ago, LostinLove2 said:

I think this is exactly what I am going to do. This comment is perfect!!! I can’t say enough how I appreciate all of you. I think I knew it all along, I just needed to see it in writing. 

Rip the band-aid off, chicky. It's time!

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, LostinLove2 said:

They have a 7 year old daughter. He comes from a divorced family himself and saw how much his mom struggled. He wants to be there for his child. I think had their not been a child, they’d be divorced already. In all honesty, had their not been a child at all, they never would’ve married. 

Even if he divorced he would still be in his daughter's life, people are successfully coparenting every where, every day.  Apparently his dad didn't want to be there for him when he was a kid and maybe the financial stress was too much for his mom.  Now there are laws that required a parent to pay child support and in some cases alimony.  Given that his child is 6 and they have a close bond he will not lose his daughter.  We've heard this excuse so many times from MM and that is what they do use their children as the excuse not to leave their marriage and go with the OW.  Even MM without kids use bogus excuses why they can't leave their wives when the truth is they don't want to leave.  I bet your MM and his wife are still having sex no matter what he tells you.  If he were in anyway serious about leaving his marriage and wanting to go with you he would have gladly met your parents and even explained to them his plan to be with you.  Instead he asked for a 2 week break.

[stillafool]

16 hours ago, LostinLove2 said:

After so many years, I want the white-picket fence. I want him to own up to saying we have a future,

The problem is he already has a future and is living it with his wife and child.  You can have your white picket fence dream by finding a single man and making it happen.  This one is already taken and living his future with the woman he chose to marry.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, LostinLove2 said:

This statement is spot on. I see it as a relationship and he clearly sees it as a fling. I am alright with being single. That’s not the problem. The problem is untangling and undoing this mess I got myself into.  

There is nothing to untangle but your feelings for him.  You don't own property together and are under no legal agreements.  You can untangle this by blocking him and moving on wth your life.

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, LostinLove2 said:

I don’t like being the other woman

Ok subtract your age from say ~80? Do you want to waste that time on this?

Because time is not standing still while this man enjoys his wife/family and you stagnate in this mire.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

time is not standing still while this man enjoys his wife/family and you stagnate in this mire.

Yep! This is something I'm very focused on lately, and LiL2, you should be, too!

Who's life are we living anyway? The life we want or are we sacrificing it for other people's selfish desires?

LiL2, your MM is very selfish. He knows he's taking up your time and everything else yet he continues because it serves HIM!  Frankly, he's doing the same to his wife by deceiving her, too. If he really doesn't want her, he should let her find her happiness with someone who won't deceive her.

If he really wants ONLY you, he wouldn't waste one moment longer not being with you. Alas, he's happy just as things are--2 for 1...like both you and his wife are on sale for half off! Half of him for a whole of each of you!

But, hey, only you get to determine your worth...unless you delegate that to someone else as you've done with MM.  Currently, he decides what your time waiting around is worth because you let him. He's placing a very low value on it obviously. 

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?  

Well, it's up to you to show him you are no longer on sale for half off. 

Edited July 14, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Irock]

I'm going to try to be .. sympathetic to you ..as I was one of those wives.... I've seen men carry affairs on for years.. with ten million reasons to never leave the wife they proclaim to not love anymore and I'm sure has been described colorfully... Why change what he has.. let's face it... He's got  two women.. all his money... If he has to leave the wife ... Then he's going to have to do what every single man I've known divorced b****ed and moaned about .. dividing money... And with you in picture... He will most likely loose mostly... Everything... Pay child support.ect.. see where I'm going..... I counselled many people about their spouses ... And the one thing they resented... Having to pay and loose most of their stuff.... The percent is so low of men who actually leave it all to be with other woman...unless they are extremely rich and money isn't an issue..... Sorry .. but facts don't lie

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

If he were in anyway serious about leaving his marriage and wanting to go with you he would have gladly met your parents and even explained to them his plan to be with you.  Instead he asked for a 2 week break.

This tells you everything about the future of this relationship. You are nagging in wishful thinking if you don’t understand that he doesn’t see a future with you as anything more than his affair partner.

 

[Peacelovesooners]

18 hours ago, LostinLove2 said:

I’m sorry. His daughter is 6. They got married right before she gave birth. We’ve been together for 3.5 years. About half his marriage. Sigh. 

Half his marriage? And this is the man you want? Seriously? Sigh. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

@Irock Just want to say your post challenged me to consider something my xMM used to say repeatedly.

He would say, "I don't have much money."  

I used to think he was implying I was a gold digger because he has a high status, lucrative career in law. It was confusing and insulting. 

But maybe he was actually saying he doesn't have enough money that he'd be willing to throw away on a divorce. 🤔 Interesting.

Makes no difference now, but it's an interesting example of how things can be misinterpreted. 

[LostinLove2]

1 hour ago, Peacelovesooners said:

Half his marriage? And this is the man you want? Seriously? Sigh. 

I thought I did, but I no longer do. I’m better than this. 

[LostinLove2]

4 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

@Irock Just want to say your post challenged me to consider something my xMM used to say repeatedly.

He would say, "I don't have much money."  

I used to think he was implying I was a gold digger because he has a high status, lucrative career in law. It was confusing and insulting. 

But maybe he was actually saying he doesn't have enough money that he'd be willing to throw away on a divorce. 🤔 Interesting.

Makes no difference now, but it's an interesting example of how things can be misinterpreted. 

This is very interesting. He kept mentioning he wants her to file first. I always thought it was because of the child. I’m wondering if it has to do with the finances. He’s trying to protect his assets. 

I’m giving away my self worth. It’s time to reclaim it and move on. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 minute ago, LostinLove2 said:

This is very interesting. He kept mentioning he wants her to file first. I always thought it was because of the child. I’m wondering if it has to do with the finances. He’s trying to protect his assets. 

I’m giving away my self worth. It’s time to reclaim it and move on. 

One of the things I used to repeat in my head to him (never aloud) when I was completely winding down my feelings for him was,

"Just how much money was I NOT WORTH to you?!"

I mean, of course, my true worth is priceless and I shouldn't have put myself in a situation to be devalued in the first place. Live and learn!

[Starswillshine]

10 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said:

He kept mentioning he wants her to file first. I always thought it was because of the child

Do these guys come with a manual on how to be a cheating husband? How is it they always have the same excuse. 

This is quite a common thing told to the OW. The MM always state that his wife should file. The OW always on the timeliness of waiting for his wife to get tired of his crap. 

[LostinLove2]

11 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Do these guys come with a manual on how to be a cheating husband? How is it they always have the same excuse. 

This is quite a common thing told to the OW. The MM always state that his wife should file. The OW always on the timeliness of waiting for his wife to get tired of his crap. 

Honestly, as I’m thinking about it all, surely she has to know what he’s about. It’s hypocritical for me to say given my situation, but I don’t know why she would want to stay married to a cheater. 

I’m sure she’s getting the same version of a speech from the other side. “No, I’m not cheating.” 

[stillafool]

19 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Do these guys come with a manual on how to be a cheating husband? How is it they always have the same excuse. 

This is quite a common thing told to the OW. The MM always state that his wife should file. The OW always on the timeliness of waiting for his wife to get tired of his crap. 

Yes and half the time they know the wife will not file because she doesn't even know something is wrong.

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said:

Honestly, as I’m thinking about it all, surely she has to know what he’s about. It’s hypocritical for me to say given my situation, but I don’t know why she would want to stay married to a cheater. 

I’m sure she’s getting the same version of a speech from the other side. “No, I’m not cheating.” 

Has there been a D-day?  Does she know that you are having an affair with her husband?

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yes and half the time they know the wife will not file because she doesn't even know something is wrong.

And, how crappy is it for the OW to sit around waiting for another woman to decide her future… why would someone ever want to give another individual - a woman they have never met - that kind of control over their own life. 

[BaileyB]

27 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said:

I’m sure she’s getting the same version of a speech from the other side. “No, I’m not cheating.” 

Or maybe she just thinks they are a happy couple, moving through life together - the highs and lows of marriage? Why would she even think to question otherwise?

[LostinLove2]

31 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Has there been a D-day?  Does she know that you are having an affair with her husband?

About 3 months ago I got a text from her in the middle of the night asking what our relationship was. The text she found from me to him was actually innocent, so she couldn’t really prove cheating. I said we didn’t have one and she didn’t say another word.

She knew enough to go through his phone, so she’s suspecting it. Woman’s intuition tells me she has to know. 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, LostinLove2 said:

I said we didn’t have one and she didn’t say another word.

Yes but you eased her mind by denying what was true.  You should have told her the truth and then you would have known where his loyalty lies.

[stillafool]

25 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said:

About 3 months ago I got a text from her in the middle of the night asking what our relationship was. The text she found from me to him was actually innocent, so she couldn’t really prove cheating. I said we didn’t have one and she didn’t say another word.

She knew enough to go through his phone, so she’s suspecting it. Woman’s intuition tells me she has to know. 

What did MM say when you told him this?

[LostinLove2]

47 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What did MM say when you told him this?

He texted me and said she might reach out. Asked what was the last thing she said and then asked me to please deny it. He claims they didn’t speak for a while after that, but who knows if that’s actually true.