I'm finally FREE

[LostinLove2]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Clear your mind, let your emotions settle, and then think about this again. That is my advice. 

My emotions are very much all over the place. Perhaps I do need some time to clear my mind and heart. Thank you for all your help and advice. 

[torn_heart]

On 7/14/2021 at 4:30 PM, LostinLove2 said:

He texted me and said she might reach out. Asked what was the last thing she said and then asked me to please deny it. He claims they didn’t speak for a while after that, but who knows if that’s actually true. 

Ugh. I believe he won't leave ever. If he was this was the big opportunity. As @BaileyB has said in some posts, we cheaters are not confrontive people, when I was in my affair I started to go out more publicly because I wanted to get caught, that would have ended the anxiety and stress. It was easier to get caught than coming forward and accept it. If I've had this opportunity your MM had I would have taken it.

So the fact that he preferred to deny it (and you alongside with him) and finally finish everything tells you what his real plans are. 

[torn_heart]

1 hour ago, LostinLove2 said:

My emotions are very much all over the place. Perhaps I do need some time to clear my mind and heart. Thank you for all your help and advice. 

It's gonna be like that for a while. Talk to people you can trust and are good listeners they can offer good advice and even help you when you get anxiety attacks or breakup blues. 

Also writing, write, doing so can clear your mind keeping a journal of your thought and emltions might help a lot, because you can read it again later to see what you were thinking/feeling. 

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, LostinLove2 said:

My emotions are very much all over the place. Perhaps I do need some time to clear my mind and heart. Thank you for all your help and advice. 

I think a lot of this stems from the fact that you were treating this like your typical relationship and a typical boyfriend (wanting him to meet your family, and so on) and are just now really grasping that he doesn't view you as his girlfriend. And that it's not a relationship (in that sense)

As you start to genuinely accept that, you will be better-equipped to let go of him and all hopes for a future as a "normal" couple. 

[vla1120]

On 7/17/2021 at 5:33 PM, LostinLove2 said:

Should I tell her about the last 3.5 years? Would you have wanted to know? Part of me feels she has the right to know and the other part of me feels like it’s their marriage and I don’t need to interfere anymore than I already have. It’s not to be vindictive or spiteful. It’s just like I feel it’s the right thing to do. I don’t know. 

I believe it depends on the individual. There are posters out here who are in deep denial and they blame the OW for the affair instead of their wandering husband. A confrontation with someone like that could turn ugly. His wife suspected something and contacted you to ask you the extent of your relationship with him. That tells me she does not have her head buried in the sand and she would probably want to know. I wish I had known.  It's a difficult decision that should not be made in haste. If she reaches out to you again, I would definitely say you should tell her. Until then, put all your focus on healing yourself. If the truth does come out, let him deal with the mess he has made of his marriage. 

[Daisydooks]

On 7/14/2021 at 6:44 PM, stillafool said:

And at that point they would rather see the OW in tears than their wife.

Except he is taking a break so he doesn't have to see any of her pain.... or hear about it and coddle her or whatever,  whatsoever. He does not give a rats ass about her crying and couldn't care less. Clearly. You nailed it. He gets away with it all scot free. Wife is happy. He is happy. And OP, well who cares about her??!?! Oyoyoy

[LostinLove2]

Just as an update. I am still in full no contact. I had a day or so where I was upset, but to be honest, I am perfectly fine with it now. I actually feel really great about my decision to walk away and feel a huge weight off my shoulder. 

I haven’t made contact with his wife. I decided not to. I still think she has the right to know, but since I am moving forward, reaching out to her would only interfere with my happy, new future. I think if she were to ever reach out to me, I’d confess it all. For now though, I’m busy living the fabulous single life. 

[spiderowl]

On 7/13/2021 at 11:14 PM, LostinLove2 said:

We’ve been together for 3.5 years. We’ve been bickering a lot lately or maybe it’s just me bickering. I’m ready for things to move forward. I’m ready for it to just be us. All he keeps saying is “be patient” and our future is dependent on “my patience.” Im running out of patience. 

Last night we had a text fight about him not wanting to meet my family. He said he’s just not ready yet. For me, if they aren’t important to meet, then I’m not important enough to him. He got all annoyed and said we need a 2 week break. 

I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. I love him. I really do. I just feel like if it hasn’t happened after 3.5 years, it’s never going to. I’m not stuck in the sunken cost fallacy, I just truly don’t know what to do. 

I know it’s easy for an outsider to say, “he’s feeding you a line. Just leave. They are all the same. Read the forums. Textbook case” but we’ve been through so much in these 3.5 years. I haven’t made it easy on him and he could’ve easily found someone else, but he hasn’t. You can’t say it’s too comfortable for him not to either. I don’t like being the other woman and it constantly weighs on my mind. My feelings of staying vs leaving flip flop all the time. He knows I waiver, yet he’s still here. 

I’m just so lost. 

I'm sorry, OP, but you are right: you are stuck in the sunk-cost fallacy situation.

At the moment, it costs him nothing to stay with you - if you leave, then he'll have to accept that - but if you don't, he gets to enjoy your attention for a bit longer.  He can have his wife and security at home and you when he's free.  He has it all!  Why should he change anything.  You, on the other hand, want change.  He is like the dog sitting on the sofa, a dead weight, he is not going to move unless pushed, and if you push him hard enough he will go back to his familiar dog-bed.

Has he said he is going to leave his wife?  Has he said when?  Is he keeping you a secret from everyone?

He would rather have a break of two weeks than deal with the reality of a what a relationship with you means.  It means you want him as part of your life, not hidden away.  He is refusing to deal with that.

I think he will coast and coast as long as you let him.  Sadly, he has already shown you that if you push harder for more, he will take a break, probably eventually opt out.   It seems to me that is why you are stuck: you know it's not going to go forward as he freaks out when you push and at the same time you feel you have invested too much of your heart in all this to call it a day.  It's a horrible place to be.

If you want a proper relationship with a guy, you need to find someone who is not already attached, who is not going to panic if you want him to meet your family, who will be there for you evenings and weekends, who will take you away for breaks, who is free to talk to you anytime (not just when his wife is not watching).  

 

 

Edited July 31, 2021 by spiderowl

[LostinLove2]

This post is meant to be therapeutic. It helps me to type the words. See the words. Feel the words. I slipped. I fell for it. It was a great few more months. He swore forever. I believed him. A week ago he had an emergency. I was the first one he called. I made him go to the doctor, who told him to go to the emergency room. I asked which ER and said I was going. He told me no. When he got home from the dr to get changed before the ER, he called me. He was supposed to pick up his daughter from school, so he had to call his wife. She was taking him to the ER, dropping him off, keeping the car and picking him up when he was done. He was proud of himself for being honest and telling me. I instantly got mad. I couldn’t go, but his wife could. We exchanged words. He begged me not to start with him. I couldn’t help it. I was furious. 
 

I checked on him later that evening. He was super short with me. He said he begged me not to do this and I did it anyway, so I have to live with my actions. 
 

The following morning I messaged him and said this whole situation was eye opening and that I've made it too easy for him to have himself with me and with her and that he either needed to tell his wife about me and us really do this or he needs to set me free. His response was silence. After close to 4 years, silence. 
 

His silence was deafening, so I’ve blocked him. I’m finally free and over this self-inflicted life. I know I was in the wrong. I know I was used. But now I really know.  I hold no ill-will against his wife.  I wish them the best.

I’m free! 
 

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, LostinLove2 said:

 I’ve blocked him. I’m finally free and over this self-inflicted life.  

Excellent. Perhaps this ER visit was the stark reality that she's his wife, they're a family and all of the other stuff he has been telling you or implying is a bunch of horseradish.

[Snakesalive]

9 hours ago, LostinLove2 said:

This post is meant to be therapeutic. It helps me to type the words. See the words. Feel the words. I slipped. I fell for it. It was a great few more months. He swore forever. I believed him. A week ago he had an emergency. I was the first one he called. I made him go to the doctor, who told him to go to the emergency room. I asked which ER and said I was going. He told me no. When he got home from the dr to get changed before the ER, he called me. He was supposed to pick up his daughter from school, so he had to call his wife. She was taking him to the ER, dropping him off, keeping the car and picking him up when he was done. He was proud of himself for being honest and telling me. I instantly got mad. I couldn’t go, but his wife could. We exchanged words. He begged me not to start with him. I couldn’t help it. I was furious. 
 

I checked on him later that evening. He was super short with me. He said he begged me not to do this and I did it anyway, so I have to live with my actions. 
 

The following morning I messaged him and said this whole situation was eye opening and that I've made it too easy for him to have himself with me and with her and that he either needed to tell his wife about me and us really do this or he needs to set me free. His response was silence. After close to 4 years, silence. 
 

His silence was deafening, so I’ve blocked him. I’m finally free and over this self-inflicted life. I know I was in the wrong. I know I was used. But now I really know.  I hold no ill-will against his wife.  I wish them the best.

I’m free! 
 

 

Well done for blocking him its undoubtedly the right thing .  I hope you can stay strong and resist any attempts from him to reach out . 
It’s true that sometimes we need something drastic to happen to shock our system into making a change -it brings real life into sharp focus and helps us face the uncomfortable reality that the relationship has to end . 
Here for you if you need to post -you sound like you’re on a high now which is great but if you dip and need to post go right ahead -we’re here for you xo

Edited November 6, 2021 by Snakesalive

[Myabee]

On 11/5/2021 at 7:38 PM, LostinLove2 said:

This post is meant to be therapeutic. It helps me to type the words. See the words. Feel the words. I slipped. I fell for it. It was a great few more months. He swore forever. I believed him. A week ago he had an emergency. I was the first one he called. I made him go to the doctor, who told him to go to the emergency room. I asked which ER and said I was going. He told me no. When he got home from the dr to get changed before the ER, he called me. He was supposed to pick up his daughter from school, so he had to call his wife. She was taking him to the ER, dropping him off, keeping the car and picking him up when he was done. He was proud of himself for being honest and telling me. I instantly got mad. I couldn’t go, but his wife could. We exchanged words. He begged me not to start with him. I couldn’t help it. I was furious. 
 

I checked on him later that evening. He was super short with me. He said he begged me not to do this and I did it anyway, so I have to live with my actions. 
 

The following morning I messaged him and said this whole situation was eye opening and that I've made it too easy for him to have himself with me and with her and that he either needed to tell his wife about me and us really do this or he needs to set me free. His response was silence. After close to 4 years, silence. 
 

His silence was deafening, so I’ve blocked him. I’m finally free and over this self-inflicted life. I know I was in the wrong. I know I was used. But now I really know.  I hold no ill-will against his wife.  I wish them the best.

I’m free! 
 

 

Great post and amazing insight that you not only shared but gained. It feels good to be free. I struggle with staying there but feel closer. Thank you for sharing.

[Lisa]

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