Implosion and moving on

[SS2855]

Where to start. Will try to condense. 3 year PA and EA affair. Heavy on feelings, romance, love, music, trips, dates… we lived our own secret world. No ask to leave his marriage - he couldn’t (wouldn’t I should say) and I said I didn’t want him to (I know). Often times shared his feelings of trying to figure how he could make us work, legitimately. I knew it wasn’t reality but bought in to the fantasy.

Covid happened, tried to stay close and mostly were able to but then he moved (by choice- I should have ended it there knowing at that point any small crumb of a future was ridiculous). Still kept the relationship long distance.

About 6 weeks ago a colleague to both of us (and his best friend) confronted him that he knew about us and basically told AP how disappointed he was that he/we were doing this, as he should be. That began what I feel has been a slow fizzle. Literally the day before the friend confronted him AP was again detailing his undying love to me and how I am everything to him. 

A week after that happened I of course felt the distance- I called him out and basically through tears said with his distance I just realized it was making me crazy and couldn’t do it- couldn’t handle his I love yous and how I mean the world to him and how I’m his favorite person, etc. I couldn’t handle hearing it and then going with out. Like a sampling of a drug and then he’d go cold only to come back again (the hot cold happens a LOT over the course of the relationship). So while it wasn’t an official ending it simmered.

This all happening along a major work problem (unrelated) and then the friend from what it sounds like saying something to someone and next thing you know AP and I get a call from HR. Not in trouble per say and still have our jobs, but had to sign a disclosure which killed me inside.

It’s now no longer a secret. We both still work together on one project which means we have to interact (not alone though). We have exchanged messages but only to commiserate of what happened at work and also something he’s dealing with at work from a business and money side. But nothing about us and where we left things a month ago. And I have my answer- it’s done- but the pain is in having to still talk with him on work, and times we’ve talked about the bomb at work but no mention of how things ended for us.

Yesterday we did connect live- he called me again to vent work- and commented that “we” still need to communicate as we left things sort of open ended, but it makes me so angry. Yes a lot has happened but I have this intense feeling of being discarded so easily. I can’t grasp the switch he seemingly has been able to turn off so easily. I’m sure I need to tell him to not contact me unless we need to talk work, but I can’t seem to stop ruminating over the last 3 years seeming to end so suddenly.

I wonder does he want to reach out and doesn’t because I told him his words are hurtful if he can’t follow through on them? Was it easy for him to just be done with how everything was the last 3 years? Can men really just turn it off? I don’t expect I’ll ever know. In therapy now dealing with all of this, and also going through a divorce (much needed even to happen years ago before all of this).

It’s almost as if I could heal if I knew it all was real to him and I meant as much to him as he would tell me. He tells me such but the actions and suddenness of it ending tells me otherwise.

Edited November 6, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, SS2855 said:

Was it easy for him to just be done with how everything was the last 3 years? Can men really just turn it off?

Consider that he's been compartmentalizing for the entire duration of his affair. 

He's kept his worlds separate, and he must be pretty good at it if his wife never caught on and he never made any move to leave her. So it's not that men just switch it off - it's that a long-term cheater is "skilled" at shifting between two areas of his life without great emotional attachment. If he weren't good at operating from a superificial level, he either would have called it off a while ago, or his wife would have noticed something was up with him.

You were more invested so the realization that he actually was not as invested is a much colder shock than you anticipated. But if he's been at this for 3 years and never even talked about ending his marriage and being with you, the reality is that he's never quite felt the way you have. I don't doubt that he is fond of you and enjoys your company and has feelings on some level, but he's not in love the way you are - not enough to take this opportunity to be with you, anyway. 

It hurts to realize you didn't mean as much to him as he meant to you, and didn't really plan on taking this further, but this day was coming. I do hope other OW will take heed of what often happens when the affair is exposed and they're cast aside. Someone who is capable of cheating for years is not someone you can depend on to make emotionally-responsible choices. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, SS2855 said:

 a colleague to both of us (and his best friend) confronted him that he knew about us and basically told AP how disappointed he was that he/we were doing this, 

Did the colleague threaten to tell his wife?

[SS2855]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

But if he's been at this for 3 years and never even talked about ending his marriage and being with you, the reality is that he's never quite felt the way you have.

He would tell me often times that (unsolicited) he’s thought about how he could leave to be with me but in the end couldn’t because of the kids. What I’m having a hard time with is the intensity of it all in the 3 years- he was VERY intense with the words (just words I understand) he would say to me and the long messages of being in love.  Many times through no reach out of my own he would blow up my phone with these heavy declarations of love. There was even an instance where he was out with his wife celebrating her birthday and messaged me that he felt awful because he’s out with her and can’t stop thinking about me and what a terrible person he was. Or on vacation I’d push him to enjoy his time with his family, and he’d pull me so far in by messaging me that it’s hit him on his vacation that all these wonderful experiences he’s having he wishes he were having them with me and life is unfair and he’s so tortured. So the shock for me is falling SO heavily into this but as a result of what he’d lay on to me- so thick- and then just like that it’s done. I know I sound like I’m blaming him for how I feel, but isn’t there some level of anger I should have with him for blowing so ridiculously heavy knowing that his intention was to never do anything with it? I knew this yes, but struggling with feeling so taken for a ride. What part of him thought it wouldn’t damage me to throw all this on to me if he wasn’t going to act? That’s where I am too in that I fell head over heels but in a way feel emotionally duped. Do I have a right to be angry with him?

It was just always SO MUCH on his end- nights where my phone was blowing up with affirmations of I love yous and him being so distraught that he’s living a life with someone he wishes were me. That in his eyes I checked every single box. That I’m the ying to his yang.  I hope you can understand that this has put me in this emotional headspace of utter sadness and confusion. And so much anger. Yes he never told me he would leave, but isn’t this sort of thing reckless to do to someone you aren’t as in love with? That’s where I feel at such a loss and grappling to make sense of.

Edited November 6, 2021 by SS2855

[Canadian Maple]

Gently, you know this man is a liar, he has lied to his wife the whole time he's been with you. Gone on vacations with her, moved with her, gave her all the words of love and sex. He's good at games. He had no problem taking her agency away in their relationship, why would it be different with you?

[SS2855]

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did the colleague threaten to tell his wife?

No, just that he needs to do right and should end it.

[SS2855]

10 minutes ago, Canadian Maple said:

Gently, you know this man is a liar, he has lied to his wife the whole time he's been with you. Gone on vacations with her, moved with her, gave her all the words of love and sex. He's good at games. He had no problem taking her agency away in their relationship, why would it be different with you?

Of course. I’m naive to have fallen this hard. I clearly have my own issues I’m dealing with in therapy- a lot of lack of self worth I never realized I clearly have.

[Snakesalive]

9 hours ago, SS2855 said:

Where to start. Will try to condense. 3 year PA and EA affair. Heavy on feelings, romance, love, music, trips, dates… we lived our own secret world. No ask to leave his marriage - he couldn’t (wouldn’t I should say) and I said I didn’t want him to (I know). Often times shared his feelings of trying to figure how he could make us work, legitimately. I knew it wasn’t reality but bought in to the fantasy.

Covid happened, tried to stay close and mostly were able to but then he moved (by choice- I should have ended it there knowing at that point any small crumb of a future was ridiculous). Still kept the relationship long distance.

About 6 weeks ago a colleague to both of us (and his best friend) confronted him that he knew about us and basically told AP how disappointed he was that he/we were doing this, as he should be. That began what I feel has been a slow fizzle. Literally the day before the friend confronted him AP was again detailing his undying love to me and how I am everything to him. 

A week after that happened I of course felt the distance- I called him out and basically through tears said with his distance I just realized it was making me crazy and couldn’t do it- couldn’t handle his I love yous and how I mean the world to him and how I’m his favorite person, etc. I couldn’t handle hearing it and then going with out. Like a sampling of a drug and then he’d go cold only to come back again (the hot cold happens a LOT over the course of the relationship). So while it wasn’t an official ending it simmered.

This all happening along a major work problem (unrelated) and then the friend from what it sounds like saying something to someone and next thing you know AP and I get a call from HR. Not in trouble per say and still have our jobs, but had to sign a disclosure which killed me inside.

It’s now no longer a secret. We both still work together on one project which means we have to interact (not alone though). We have exchanged messages but only to commiserate of what happened at work and also something he’s dealing with at work from a business and money side. But nothing about us and where we left things a month ago. And I have my answer- it’s done- but the pain is in having to still talk with him on work, and times we’ve talked about the bomb at work but no mention of how things ended for us.

Yesterday we did connect live- he called me again to vent work- and commented that “we” still need to communicate as we left things sort of open ended, but it makes me so angry. Yes a lot has happened but I have this intense feeling of being discarded so easily. I can’t grasp the switch he seemingly has been able to turn off so easily. I’m sure I need to tell him to not contact me unless we need to talk work, but I can’t seem to stop ruminating over the last 3 years seeming to end so suddenly.

I wonder does he want to reach out and doesn’t because I told him his words are hurtful if he can’t follow through on them? Was it easy for him to just be done with how everything was the last 3 years? Can men really just turn it off? I don’t expect I’ll ever know. In therapy now dealing with all of this, and also going through a divorce (much needed even to happen years ago before all of this).

It’s almost as if I could heal if I knew it all was real to him and I meant as much to him as he would tell me. He tells me such but the actions and suddenness of it ending tells me otherwise.

Firstly I understand all the emotions you’re going through because I’ve lived them too. 
The pain, frustration, confusion and sadness are gut wrenching my heart goes out to you . 

Secondly well done  on seeking therapy that’s such an important step in healing and unpacking everything. 
unfortunately this is a process like any other and where you’re at is where I’d expect you to be /doesn’t make it easier but just know we’ve been there and  come through it -yes the journey is hard but you’ll come out of it stronger. 
So practical steps 

1. definitely cut any contact unrelated to work 

2.consider looking for another job 

3. try to keep busy to avoid the constant ruminating 

4. You may never get the answers to the many questions you have and acceptance is part of the process -you’re not there yet and that’s ok -you’ve been through a trauma and your head and heart need time and  practical action ( therapy and all the above)  to properly heal but I promise you’ll get there. 

Keep talking , keep posting and  lots of self care xo

 

 

Edited November 6, 2021 by Snakesalive

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, SS2855 said:

No, just that he needs to do right and should end it.

Sage advice from his friend. Be glad you are now free to date single decent honest men.

[elaine567]

10 hours ago, SS2855 said:

In therapy now dealing with all of this, and also going through a divorce (much needed even to happen years ago before all of this).

Divorce is always difficult whether wanted or not, when do you imagine it will be totally completed?

[Starswillshine]

He understood he had to lay it on strong when out with his wife, either for celebrations or vacations, because no doubt this would upset you. Whether it was because he really cared about your feelings or was just being self serving and didn't want to deal with the blow back afterwards, who really knows. 

[BaileyB]

Personally, I believe that some men get caught up in the fantasy and the excitement of the affair as women… That said, I think a married man who comes on this strong should raise your suspicions, more than anything else. You are hurt and angry because you believed what he said - how could he leave when he professed his love for me in this way? You ignored one basic truth - married men lie. He is lying to his wife, it only makes sense that he is also lying to you.

The basic truth seen again and again on this site is that men and women often have different intentions when engaging in an affair. Married men are rarely looking for a new relationship - a “replacement wife” as is often said on this site. Married men (while often expressing their “unhappiness” to their affair partner because let’s face it, what woman wants to have a relationship/sex with a married man who is happily married and has no intention to ever divorce) are often generally content in their marriage, not prepared to suffer the financial consequence of divorce and share custody of their children. They certainly don’t want to be the man who had an affair and broke up his family! They just want a little fun on the side… while women, tend to be more invested and often have future expectations. More often than not, they are unhappy in their marriage and the affair gives them to impetuous to file for divorce - usually hoping to trade up for their married man. This version of events plays itself out on this site more than you would care to know… in that respect, your situation is fairly typical. 

I wish you well with your divorce. The lesson to learn here is not to involve yourself with a married man again - when what you know about the man is that he is capable of lying to his wife every single day, you really shouldn’t believe anything he says…

Edited November 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[SS2855]

On 11/6/2021 at 6:36 AM, elaine567 said:

Divorce is always difficult whether wanted or not, when do you imagine it will be totally completed?

I’m hoping by the end of the year. I’m not in a position yet even if I were single to date, but I really can’t wait for it to be over, to heal from all of this and be truly single and mentally ready to date in my best interest- to search for the whole loaf. My soon to be ex had always been emotionally unavailable so there are interesting parallels between him and AP. 

[SS2855]

On 11/6/2021 at 4:03 AM, Snakesalive said:

Firstly I understand all the emotions you’re going through because I’ve lived them too. 
The pain, frustration, confusion and sadness are gut wrenching my heart goes out to you . 

Secondly well done  on seeking therapy that’s such an important step in healing and unpacking everything. 
unfortunately this is a process like any other and where you’re at is where I’d expect you to be /doesn’t make it easier but just know we’ve been there and  come through it -yes the journey is hard but you’ll come out of it stronger. 
So practical steps 

1. definitely cut any contact unrelated to work 

2.consider looking for another job 

3. try to keep busy to avoid the constant ruminating 

4. You may never get the answers to the many questions you have and acceptance is part of the process -you’re not there yet and that’s ok -you’ve been through a trauma and your head and heart need time and  practical action ( therapy and all the above)  to properly heal but I promise you’ll get there. 

Keep talking , keep posting and  lots of self care xo

 

 

Thank you so much for the encouragement. The anger and sadness hits in waves. Yesterday I was really busy and had no time to wallow in it. Today a slow day so I’m realizing I need to fill it to keep myself distracted. Appreciate all your tips above as it all makes sense. It’s funny it’s almost like I just need to know that he feels as sad as I do with the loss. Like if I knew he was hurting too there would be this satisfaction of knowing that while it had to end, he’s as sad as I am. Silly I know. 

[elaine567]

8 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

My soon to be ex had always been emotionally unavailable so there are interesting parallels between him and AP. 

Yes it sounds like a pattern, what do you think attracts you to emotionally unavailable men?

[Snakesalive]

1 hour ago, SS2855 said:

Thank you so much for the encouragement. The anger and sadness hits in waves. Yesterday I was really busy and had no time to wallow in it. Today a slow day so I’m realizing I need to fill it to keep myself distracted. Appreciate all your tips above as it all makes sense. It’s funny it’s almost like I just need to know that he feels as sad as I do with the loss. Like if I knew he was hurting too there would be this satisfaction of knowing that while it had to end, he’s as sad as I am. Silly I know. 

Not silly at all -I get it . You shared something very intense  -the experience -the highs and lows of an affair -it’s like being partners in crime you were in it together -one the bank robber the other the getaway driver -both guilty but one couldn’t have committed the crime  iwithout the other  -you had a shared bond -yes it was built in deceit but it was a  bond

I think our need to know he too is sharing the sadness and loss  comes from our need to know  the feelings we had were real , meant something important and that it was worth the risks and Pain -to myself and others -st least that’s how it was for me
 

Edited November 7, 2021 by Snakesalive

[heartwhole2]

I'm afraid that there's no way out but through. Grief is a long process and I think it's totally normal to feel that knowing he really cared would help.

But gently, I think that the fact that you doubt that someone who was in a 3 year relationship with you cared is a *you* issue. I mean, I'm a BW and I have no reason to cheer on an affair, but *I* don't doubt that he cared based on your description. I think this is just one of those times when there's no short cut through your grief.

Even if it seems like he doesn't care and just shut off his feelings, well, those are just his poor coping mechanisms showing. And let's say he's really shallow and only cared about you in a transactional way. Well, good riddance then! His inability to care in a deep, lasting, selfless way is a poor reflection on him. It's not a reflection on you.

I know you're exploring self-esteem with your counselor, and I think that's really important. If you're boosting your self-esteem by someone wanting you illicitly, then it can take a big hit when you lose that source. The self-esteem should come from within so that when someone offers you a partial, one-sided, shallow, or self-serving relationship, you say, yeah right dude, move along . . .

[SS2855]

4 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

I'm afraid that there's no way out but through. Grief is a long process and I think it's totally normal to feel that knowing he really cared would help.

But gently, I think that the fact that you doubt that someone who was in a 3 year relationship with you cared is a *you* issue. I mean, I'm a BW and I have no reason to cheer on an affair, but *I* don't doubt that he cared based on your description. I think this is just one of those times when there's no short cut through your grief.

Even if it seems like he doesn't care and just shut off his feelings, well, those are just his poor coping mechanisms showing. And let's say he's really shallow and only cared about you in a transactional way. Well, good riddance then! His inability to care in a deep, lasting, selfless way is a poor reflection on him. It's not a reflection on you.

I know you're exploring self-esteem with your counselor, and I think that's really important. If you're boosting your self-esteem by someone wanting you illicitly, then it can take a big hit when you lose that source. The self-esteem should come from within so that when someone offers you a partial, one-sided, shallow, or self-serving relationship, you say, yeah right dude, move along . . .

@heartwhole2 these words were so compassionate and helpful. Thank you. I’m reminded that I know in my heart and in my gut he cared, and dare I say cared very deeply. That said, I have been sourcing my esteem from him- hungry for those feel good words and intimacy that yes everyone loves, but maybe everyone doesn’t NEED it to feel good about themselves. Lots of self-discovery right now. I want to find my way back to self and see if I could find a way to finally quell the constant anxiety that’s been living in me for 3+ years. Build up myself to tap into what sounds like an amazing part of the mind- where you are literally not even remotely drawn to people that can’t offer you what you need.

[SS2855]

12 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Yes it sounds like a pattern, what do you think attracts you to emotionally unavailable men?

Trying to figure it out. I had from most accounts a very loving home with loving caring parents that I never felt neglected by, so I can’t seem to tie the history of dysfunctional relationships back to that. I did go through a good amount of childhood bullying, from a particular male classmate no less, and it was in high school before I ever had any positive male attention (first relationship not until after high school) which I do think I still carry a lot of insecurities from.  I know this is very specific but as I work through all of this and trying to understand why I’ve always seemed to accept so little, I’ve wondered how much to tie back to this time in my adolescence that I remember as traumatic.

Edited November 8, 2021 by SS2855

[Bittersweetie]

I had a best girlfriend in college. We were so tight, I loved her and we considered ourselves sisters (we were both only children). We became roommates, we went both grocery shopping and dancing together. Then, a couple of months past graduation, she ghosted me. Which was fun since we lived together. It was like I didn't exist in that apartment, or with our group of friends (they all took her side). To this day, 25+ years later, I don't know why. But it was horrible...I felt like, if she really cared about me that much, then why was I so easy to put aside? Was I a friend, or was I nothing all along?

I spent years, over 15 years wondering why and what I did to deserve that kind of behavior. I didn't really make other girlfriends...I see now because I still held on to the questions and the pain of what happened. Then in the aftermath of my affair and d-day, when I was working through all my issues, I faced this event and the pain associated with it. 

I kept thinking that if I just knew why, I would be able to heal. If I had an answer, I would be able to move forward. But I finally realized I will never know why. And that was okay. And I let it go. It was like a weight off my shoulders, a weight I hadn't even known I'd been carrying that whole time.

I know how it is to wonder why someone did what they did, why they acted like they did. And I know you are early on this path, but please don't do what I did and hold on to those questions any longer than necessary. Yeah it really sucks not to have answers and it's hard but it is possible to grow stronger without them. We can't read the minds of the people who hurt us and it's a waste of mental energy to try to figure them out. You seem on the right path and I hope you can get there more quickly than me. Sorry for the long winded post.

[vla1120]

On 11/6/2021 at 4:26 AM, SS2855 said:

Of course. I’m naive to have fallen this hard. I clearly have my own issues I’m dealing with in therapy- a lot of lack of self worth I never realized I clearly have.

This is the type of thing that MM thrive on. He was able to manipulate you and then go back to his happy life with his wife (even if he told you it wasn't happy.) I am glad you are in therapy. Your best way out of the maze of pain is to realize that you deserve better than he was ever willing to give you. Perhaps after this project is completed, you could arrange it so that you no longer work on projects with him moving forward.  Meanwhile, as painful as it is now, the pain will subside. Just keep taking care of yourself and finding things to do around you to distract you from him. It will get better....with time. 

[mark clemson]

On 11/5/2021 at 4:53 PM, SS2855 said:

It’s almost as if I could heal if I knew it all was real to him and I meant as much to him as he would tell me. He tells me such but the actions and suddenness of it ending tells me otherwise.

It's likely (IMO) that you did mean a lot to him if you all spent so much time together etc, BUT as you've noted not enough to be worth ending his status quo for.

Since this was outed, the reality of potential impact to his marriage is probably weighing heavily on his mind and so he may likely be focused on avoiding a Dday and so minimizing contact and trying to move on, etc.

Keep in mind that the majority of relationships (affairs or open) end eventually.

[Allupinnit]

You're going to need a new job.  

There's no way you can continue working with him and not feel *something* every time you need to discuss business.  We're not designed that way.  He is probably terrified of losing his job and having to explain to his wife why he got fired, so is now trying to keep it strictly business, meanwhile you're wondering how he can shut things off so quickly.

He's probably highly embarrassed that he's now the jerk at work who cheated on his wife with a colleague.  The whole company now probably knows because that is GOOD office gossip, hell he is probably afraid of his wife finding out now, too.

I'd go elsewhere and get a fresh start where you don't have to communicate with this guy and nobody at work knows your past.  People say all kinds of things in the heat of the moment but when it comes down to brass tacks men stay where their bread is buttered.

 

[Snakesalive]

On 11/9/2021 at 8:33 PM, mark clemson said:

It's likely (IMO) that you did mean a lot to him if you all spent so much time together etc, BUT as you've noted not enough to be worth ending his status quo for.

Since this was outed, the reality of potential impact to his marriage is probably weighing heavily on his mind and so he may likely be focused on avoiding a Dday and so minimizing contact and trying to move on, etc.

Keep in mind that the majority of relationships (affairs or open) end eventually.

All this is spot on IMO (and experience)

[Snakesalive]

17 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

I'd go elsewhere and get a fresh start where you don't have to communicate with this guy and nobody at work knows your past. 

This is great advice . Having a work connection however tenuous is going to be tough and will be a constant reminder : not conducive to your healing . 

A fresh start will you give you distance and  new opportunities . I stayed longer in my old Job than I should have and compromised my career because I was connected to my ex mm -it of course made the affair easier to conceal -or so I thought.
I now have a new career i really enjoy in a much  healthier environment 

Putting energy into finding a new job will also give you a renewed purpose , a distraction from your thoughts and a healthy way to use your energy . 

Edited November 11, 2021 by Snakesalive