Implosion and moving on

[Snakesalive]

On 11/9/2021 at 8:33 PM, mark clemson said:

It's likely (IMO) that you did mean a lot to him if you all spent so much time together etc, BUT as you've noted not enough to be worth ending his status quo for.

Since this was outed, the reality of potential impact to his marriage is probably weighing heavily on his mind and so he may likely be focused on avoiding a Dday and so minimizing contact and trying to move on, etc.

Keep in mind that the majority of relationships (affairs or open) end eventually.

All this is spot on IMO (and experience)

[Snakesalive]

17 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

I'd go elsewhere and get a fresh start where you don't have to communicate with this guy and nobody at work knows your past. 

This is great advice . Having a work connection however tenuous is going to be tough and will be a constant reminder : not conducive to your healing . 

A fresh start will you give you distance and  new opportunities . I stayed longer in my old Job than I should have and compromised my career because I was connected to my ex mm -it of course made the affair easier to conceal -or so I thought.
I now have a new career i really enjoy in a much  healthier environment 

Putting energy into finding a new job will also give you a renewed purpose , a distraction from your thoughts and a healthy way to use your energy . 

Edited November 11, 2021 by Snakesalive

[Jyklle]

On 11/6/2021 at 7:40 AM, BaileyB said:

Personally, I believe that some men get caught up in the fantasy and the excitement of the affair as women… That said, I think a married man who comes on this strong should raise your suspicions, more than anything else. You are hurt and angry because you believed what he said - how could he leave when he professed his love for me in this way? You ignored one basic truth - married men lie. He is lying to his wife, it only makes sense that he is also lying to you.

The basic truth seen again and again on this site is that men and women often have different intentions when engaging in an affair. Married men are rarely looking for a new relationship - a “replacement wife” as is often said on this site. Married men (while often expressing their “unhappiness” to their affair partner because let’s face it, what woman wants to have a relationship/sex with a married man who is happily married and has no intention to ever divorce) are often generally content in their marriage, not prepared to suffer the financial consequence of divorce and share custody of their children. They certainly don’t want to be the man who had an affair and broke up his family! They just want a little fun on the side… while women, tend to be more invested and often have future expectations. More often than not, they are unhappy in their marriage and the affair gives them to impetuous to file for divorce - usually hoping to trade up for their married man. This version of events plays itself out on this site more than you would care to know… in that respect, your situation is fairly typical. 

I wish you well with your divorce. The lesson to learn here is not to involve yourself with a married man again - when what you know about the man is that he is capable of lying to his wife every single day, you really shouldn’t believe anything he says…

You know… my AP says he loves his wife and is generally happy. So I don’t understand why he’d cheat on her?  We are long distance so it’s definitely not the sex. I know he’s always had a crush on me before he met his wife and so we’ve always had this connection. But I don’t get why cheat when you’re happily married. 

[elaine567]

39 minutes ago, Jyklle said:

You know… my AP says he loves his wife and is generally happy. So I don’t understand why he’d cheat on her?  We are long distance so it’s definitely not the sex. I know he’s always had a crush on me before he met his wife and so we’ve always had this connection. But I don’t get why cheat when you’re happily married. 

Simple, he isn't, at heart,  monogamous...

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Jyklle said:

I don’t get why cheat when you’re happily married. 

Because affairs are dessert. It's like saying "why eat dessert if the meal was good?" 

Keep in mind affairs are about selfishness, so it's spouse and affair partner, not spouse or affair partner.

[S2B]

8 hours ago, Jyklle said:

You know… my AP says he loves his wife and is generally happy. So I don’t understand why he’d cheat on her?  We are long distance so it’s definitely not the sex. I know he’s always had a crush on me before he met his wife and so we’ve always had this connection. But I don’t get why cheat when you’re happily married. 

Because he can.

because it feeds his big fat ego!

[Starswillshine]

11 hours ago, Jyklle said:

You know… my AP says he loves his wife and is generally happy. So I don’t understand why he’d cheat on her?  We are long distance so it’s definitely not the sex. I know he’s always had a crush on me before he met his wife and so we’ve always had this connection. But I don’t get why cheat when you’re happily married. 

Because of all the reasons listed prior but also something different. I'm going to guess you and his wife are quite different in quite a few ways. 

[BaileyB]

In the words of the very wise starswillshine, different people serve different purposes. 

[Myabee]

On 11/11/2021 at 6:31 AM, Snakesalive said:

This is great advice . Having a work connection however tenuous is going to be tough and will be a constant reminder : not conducive to your healing . 

A fresh start will you give you distance and  new opportunities . I stayed longer in my old Job than I should have and compromised my career because I was connected to my ex mm -it of course made the affair easier to conceal -or so I thought.
I now have a new career i really enjoy in a much  healthier environment 

Putting energy into finding a new job will also give you a renewed purpose , a distraction from your thoughts and a healthy way to use your energy . 

I agree with this. I imagine it is hard to leave this behind you if this person is in your face at work everyday.

[SS2855]

On 11/9/2021 at 2:33 PM, mark clemson said:

It's likely (IMO) that you did mean a lot to him if you all spent so much time together etc, BUT as you've noted not enough to be worth ending his status quo for.

Since this was outed, the reality of potential impact to his marriage is probably weighing heavily on his mind and so he may likely be focused on avoiding a Dday and so minimizing contact and trying to move on, etc.

Keep in mind that the majority of relationships (affairs or open) end eventually.

Thank you. The hard part that I’m struggling with is no real closure. I told him it was all becoming too much for me and just like that he was able to switch it off and reconnect with me back to a professional relationship. Now yes his world has exploded career wise (unrelated to us) that has him pondering a new job and even having to sell his home . Since things ended he will still reach out to me to communicate with me strictly on work and this work issue that is happening to him. I don’t want to share many specifics but I’d call it his own personal crisis from a work perspective. I think he likes having me to vent to and talk about it with, and I’m fine and love giving him advice and being in ear, but I feel like there is always this elephant in the room. For the last 6+ weeks or so he will reach out (I never do) to just catch up and talk about this awful work thing, but I’m like “am I really talking like this to a man that told me for the past 3 years he’s in love with me and I’m his favorite person?”. That would blow up my phone with declarations of love? It feels to me from him like it never happened and we can just bounce back to a friendship. Ugh. The best thing for me is if he does leave and find a new job. I need to stop taking his calls and let him vent to his family and other friends. I actually have NO issue whatsoever with temptation to reach out, so that part is easy, it’s just feeling like poof it’s gone and he seems to just be dealing with it as if nothing ever happened.

[SS2855]

On 11/6/2021 at 2:26 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Did the colleague threaten to tell his 

Edited November 22, 2021 by SS2855
Answers already

[SS2855]

On 11/6/2021 at 6:36 AM, elaine567 said:

Divorce is always difficult whether wanted or not, when do you imagine it will be totally completed?

I’m hoping by spring. It’s very difficult because my spouse refuses to work and I have significant feelings of guilt of how he will be without me as a cushion. That’s for another conversation 😕

[Snakesalive]

1 hour ago, SS2855 said:

I’m like “am I really talking like this to a man that told me for the past 3 years he’s in love with me and I’m his favorite person?”

This is one of those questions that used to baffle my brain too but now I just sigh If the  question pops into my head-it’s more that now it is just so not important 

[mark clemson]

21 hours ago, SS2855 said:

I think he likes having me to vent to and talk about it with, and I’m fine and love giving him advice and being in ear, but I feel like there is always this elephant in the room. For the last 6+ weeks or so he will reach out (I never do) to just catch up and talk about this awful work thing, but I’m like “am I really talking like this to a man that told me for the past 3 years he’s in love with me and I’m his favorite person?”. That would blow up my phone with declarations of love? It feels to me from him like it never happened and we can just bounce back to a friendship. Ugh. The best thing for me is if he does leave and find a new job.

Probably true. It may be the professions of love were partly based on "new relationship energy" driving his emotions, which may have now settled quite a bit. With that fading, practical matters are taking precedence, and practical matters often trump sentiment (a reason why few MM leave their marriages IMO). But yes, that does leave you "left behind".

It's also possible he has some narcissistic tendencies or deliberately lovebombed during the affair; certainly also possible.

The best thing is likely to move on from this deliberately (something you're already doing?), not in a "rush" but giving yourself some time to heal emotionally before seeking a new partner.

[spiderowl]

As you said, OP, he was there sometimes and not others when you needed him.  Such is the life of being involved with a MM.  He is only there when he is not being supervised by his wife or family and when HE needs you.

He may well be missing you - you were something extra on top of his marriage.  Of course he misses the good aspects.

He wants to keep you on the hook because he never knows if he'll get the chance for fun and sex with you in the future.  He does not have the same need for a full relationship with you because he has his wife.  You feel angry and hurt.  You don't have the cushion of a partner to turn to in times of stress and trouble.  He does, he has comfort and care at home.  Of course you are feeling this worse than him.

You deserve better.  I think you've done well to end it with him; it is an important step to recovering from this and towards meeting someone better for you.

Edited December 2, 2021 by spiderowl

[spiderowl]

On 11/8/2021 at 5:24 AM, SS2855 said:

Trying to figure it out. I had from most accounts a very loving home with loving caring parents that I never felt neglected by, so I can’t seem to tie the history of dysfunctional relationships back to that. I did go through a good amount of childhood bullying, from a particular male classmate no less, and it was in high school before I ever had any positive male attention (first relationship not until after high school) which I do think I still carry a lot of insecurities from.  I know this is very specific but as I work through all of this and trying to understand why I’ve always seemed to accept so little, I’ve wondered how much to tie back to this time in my adolescence that I remember as traumatic.

The problem is that with falling for a MM, it's not that you are accepting so little as much as you are hoping for more.  I think deep down most women think there could be hope for more.  What would you have done if he had said 'I just want an affair, I won't fall in love with you or leave my wife, I won't be able to spend much time with you.  We will never be married in future because I love my wife and want to keep the family together'?  Would that have made any difference?  Were you living in hope?  I doubt any OW goes into such a relationship expecting it to end, so it is getting caught up in the fantasy more than anything, but then you are trapped in limbo.

[SS2855]

On 12/1/2021 at 8:10 PM, spiderowl said:

The problem is that with falling for a MM, it's not that you are accepting so little as much as you are hoping for more.  I think deep down most women think there could be hope for more.  What would you have done if he had said 'I just want an affair, I won't fall in love with you or leave my wife, I won't be able to spend much time with you.  We will never be married in future because I love my wife and want to keep the family together'?  Would that have made any difference?  Were you living in hope?  I doubt any OW goes into such a relationship expecting it to end, so it is getting caught up in the fantasy more than anything, but then you are trapped in limbo.

I was definitely living in hope. Sometimes I’d credit him for never promising me there was a future and thus leading me on, but the heavy sentiments of love from him would make me feel otherwise. So while there was never a commitment that this could be more because he couldn’t/wouldn’t leave his marriage, his expressions and words to me of being in love, smitten etc. did a number on my emotions- though I knew better I left myself see all of that as a sign of something with staying power.