Aging Parent constantly checks up on me, angry and burnout over caregiving

[CalipsoRose]

My 75 year old father has been sick since I was a child. I am now 29. My entire life has been spent worrying about him dying because thats how he acted every day, like he was about to die. My mother was a borderline abusive alcoholic who left when I was 14. I became his caregiver, especially when my sister left due to a drug issue she was having and she is now in prison because of it. So its just me and my dad. I am self employed and he is on retirement, or SS. I am burnt out. He is paranoid, naive and scared of everything. Its draining especially when I have no one in my family to lean on myself. He has become dependent on me. Every time I leave the house to run errands, he calls me if I stay out too long asking if I'm ok. I slept in late today and was awoken by a phone call from him, from a deep sleep, asking if I was ok. I am still angry about this HOURS later because I am so done with this cage of a life that I am in. 

I cant have a social life without him freaking out. I went out on a date a few weeks ago and he gave me hell for it saying sh*t was going to hit the fan if I left, I left anyway but not without being on the verge of tears. He doesn't seem to understand how this is affecting me. He still thinks his mind is sharp, but it isn't. Or maybe it is and he's just manipulative, I cant tell anymore! What is fake and what is real.

He refuses to take pain medication that the doctor gives him yet he moans and groans every time he walks. Its so frustrating. His hygiene is horrible. Almost everything out of his mouth is what I can do for him or what I need to do right now for things around the house. I do everything - cook, clean, bill management, etc. I have told him countless times to stop bossing me around but its such a habit for him, he does it so often.

I have talked to him about going into a nursing home because I honestly cant see myself wasting my 30s away dealing with this. I dont even want kids of my own because of the amount of trauma and caregiving I have lived through. He says things like, "Fine I'll go into a nursing home!" but its more of a "fine, just send me away then!" tone as if I am betraying him. 

I am tired of living in this bubble. He is a helicopter parent that has turned into a paranoid, elderly child and I never signed up for this. 

Any advice is appreciated. I needed to vent because this has been bothering me more than usual.

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

What a horrible situation you are in and you have my full empathy. You absolutely need to live your own life and not have to be a nurse maid to your father on call 24x7.

I agree that you and he should tour nursing home options. There could be an ideal situation for him. When my mother was no longer able to live alone and was experiencing similar things, my sister (who lived in the same state) was almost in your exact position. She found a great place for my mother who had a small apartment but in an assisted living community. The place had solo homes, apartments with nurses and doctors who provide the needed daily oversight, to an actual nursing home/hospital for those who were too sick.

Do not feel guilty. Explore your options and hopefully you and he will find an ideal next home for him. Then you can visit and regain some freedom to live your life. 

I know it’s not easy to navigate all this. Good luck.

 

[salparadise]

If you/he can afford an assisted living situation nearby that is probably the best solution. What you need is a way to live your own life without completely abandoning him, but since he seems to have such a persistent, controlling nature you may not be able to accomplish that while living under the same roof. Two adjustments that I think you need to make are:  a) letting go of guilt about not wanting to be a full-time caregiver, and b) learning to detach from the manipulation he uses on you while still being compassionate toward him. You also need someone to talk this out with; do you have a counselor/therapist? If not I'd suggest seeing one. I went through something similar with my parents, and it was my first experience with counseling. It helped tremendously –– in fact, it allowed me to do a complete turnaround on how I thought and felt. It's about achieving the right balance in your own mind and attitudes, as well as the practical/logistical aspects. Wishing you the best.

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

Agree with Salparadise regarding counseling. Also, check into elder care groups/benefits. My sister I believe got free legal advice from an elder care attorney. She ended up being in charge of our mother's finances, etc. as my mother was incapacitated mentally at one point. My sister found help and resources (using Google I think!) and I know you can too. She was beyond despondent at times but it all worked out.

[FMW]

I agree with the others recommending an assisted living place.

As for your feelings of obligation and guilt (I'm sure you have them underneath all the frustration and resentment), you will need to learn to start establishing and enforcing boundaries with him even though it will be very difficult, at least to begin with.  A counselor might help you with that.

I have no siblings and my father died 5 years ago.  My mother is your father's age but fortunately fairly healthy and active.  However, I still hear more and more "guilt trips" from her as time goes on.  I have to actively "talk" myself out of feeling alternately resentful or guilty. 

He's not going to change, your only choice is to chose how you respond.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

He refuses to take pain medication that the doctor gives him yet he moans and groans every time he walks. Its so frustrating. His hygiene is horrible. I do everything - cook, clean, bill management, etc. I

Talk to his physicians about this cognitive functioning and need for round the clock care and supervision. Check with Medicare/Medicaid about finding him affordable senior assisted living.

Make sure you obtain power-of-attorney and are his healthcare proxy as well as having him sign advanced directives with his physician. Get his affairs, medically and financially in order and seek out the best assisted living facility his budget will allow. 

In the meantime contact his health insurer and ask about home aides and social workers and whatever other ancillary service are available to occupy and assess him. For example he may need a male attendant to assist with bathing dressing hygiene, etc. Be very careful. Sadly, poor hygiene or other real or imagined complaints can be flagged as "senior neglect" by neighbors, etc. so address all this asap.

[ShyViolet]

Honestly, PUT HIM IN A NURSING HOME.   Surely sacrificing your 30's to be his round the clock caregiver can't be the only option.  You aren't obligated to do that and you shouldn't do that.    There's no question that I would refuse to do that if I were in your position.  This is insanity.  Speak to professionals and connect to resources.  Find out what the options are.  You don't have to sacrifice your life and your mental health for this.  Stand up for yourself and make yourself a priority.

[basil67]

Oh man, that's sounds tough. I can see why you're burned out.

I agree with having his cognitive functioning assessed.   Aside from emotional support, what tasks is he unable to do for himself?  Could a combination of community nurses and food delivery service meet his needs?