How do you know when to call it quits?

[dilemma delanney]

How do you decide when to call it quits? We're in a dark place right now, but I feel like my intuition is telling me I know what needs to be done, but everything else is pulling me to stay. There hasn't been any specific cause to consider divorce (no cheating, lies, etc.), other than I am unhappy and unfulfilled--he is a good man, good dad, and he loves me so much, I just don't feel like I can say the same.

Over the past few months, I've been questioning myself and our relationship. I have had doubts since we got married, but they always seemed to be resolved and I attributed them to a low point that maybe we were experiencing as things would seem to get better. This time though, things feel different. I realized that we are in a position where we're settling, I am not happy or fulfilled, and as I have been analyzing myself, I also am looking at him wondering if this is truly the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. To answer the question right now, at this moment in time, I would rather be alone than to be in a half-assed relationship. We co-exist; we don't speak other than about our kids or superficial chats, there's no connection or intimacy, I'm wayyyyyy to young to be in a sexless relationship (and that's how it's been for 3- years now), and while I used to think we were still friends, anymore I don't even feel like that is the case...most of the time I feel like I don't know if I even like him. I can see us separating and I can see myself in the future with just my kids. When I make plans, I don't usually include him and honestly prefer when he doesn't participate in family functions because it is easier for me. He, on the other hand, has thought things were fine and that we could just go on as things are for the rest of our lives.

Two months ago I woke up and realized I have lost myself over the past few years and I don't even know who I am besides a mom, a wife, and a nurse. Those are the things that define me and I can't even answer the question 'what do you like to do' or 'who ARE you'. I started going to therapy and implemented a new meal/workout plan to try and help myself start feeling better and focusing this energy into something positive. My conversations in therapy were about these feelings and my unhappiness in my relationship (looking at my involvement and what I could be doing/changing to make improvements) and my husband kept pushing to have conversations about what I was talking about in therapy. I told him I wasn't ready, but he kept pushing and pushing, and eventually I told him how unhappy I was and that I was talking to someone because I was considering what I want for my life and possibly divorce. We actually talked a few times (each time he pushed convos I wasn't ready for, I was trying to figure myself out before I brought it up to him because I wasn't sure if these were true feelings or part of my depression/anxiety) and after the 3rd time we talked it finally sank in to him that if he didn't go to therapy to try and heal himself (the only thing I'm asking of him at this point) that I was truly done.

He did not feel like he needed to change himself, which I agree with. I shouldn't have to ask someone to change who they are in order to be with me. I feel like I am at a point of growth and change and he is not. He reluctantly started seeing a therapist, but I feel like it's going to be short lived because a. he didn't truly want to and b. this is the pattern we've always done--we change and things get better for a few weeks (maybe a month or 2), but it's short lived then things fall back to how they were. He was also encouraged to go to AA by his therapist, which he has done a few times, but openly admitted to me last night he wanted to go smoke weed 'because you wouldn't have known' but only stopped because one of the guys from AA told him it was a bad idea.

I keep being told that what I'm feeling is normal and to just give it time. But when is it enough? I feel like right now I'm just doing what everyone else is telling me and not leaving because I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to have to share my kids half the time. That's not enough reason for me to stay. 

[submart]

How long have you two been married?

How are you you two and your kids? 

What do you think led to led to the lack of connection you feel for your husband? Did it happen over years? You mentioned having doubts before getting married. What specific doubts did you have? 

[stillafool]

It sounds like you've outgrown your husband and frankly I don't see your attitude towards him changing.  Usually when a spouse falls out of love with their partner it never revives. I don't think it's fair to you or him to stay in an unfulfilled marriage.  He isn't happy either but has put that to the side to preserve his family.  This is why he isn't pursuing sex with you.  Sometimes it's best to just cut the chord so you both can be free to find more compatible partners and have a happy life.

[dilemma delanney]

We've been married 7, together 10.

We have 2 daughters, and I feel like we do really well for them. We're both active, invested parents.

I think the connection has been an issue since shortly after we got married, but I feel like it can come with the territory of a long term relationship. Prior times, we could reconnect easily and things would feel fine again until we reached another lull. This time, I can feel that he's trying to reconnect but it all feels very superficial and I'm not in the same place I was before mentally. Part of me doesn't want to make the effort to build a connection if he's not going to continue trying to grow and heal himself because I don't want to drain myself for something that he gives up on. I don't expect perfect, but I think both partners need to WANT each other and need to look forward to each other and spending time together and I don't feel that way right now.

I have felt like he was so invested in us, more in a co-dependant way than in a loving relationship way. I have lived with the mindset that I could live without him if I had to, but that being together was a choice I was making because I wanted to. I feel like if we weren't together, he would spiral negatively because he says we're all he has and that would be what affected our kids, rather than us actually not being together and them having 2 households. There have been times before where I felt like I was settling in this relationship because it was easier to have someone than to give everything up and risk being alone forever. 

[dilemma delanney]

58 minutes ago, submart said:

How long have you two been married?

How are you you two and your kids? 

What do you think led to led to the lack of connection you feel for your husband? Did it happen over years? You mentioned having doubts before getting married. What specific doubts did you have? 

I mistakenly added a new thread as I'm getting used to this forum, but I did respond to your questions

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, dilemma delanney said:

I'm wayyyyyy to young to be in a sexless relationship that's how it's been for 3- years now. I told him how unhappy I was and that I was talking to someone because I was considering what I want for my life and possibly divorce.  I wasn't sure if these were true feelings or part of my depression/anxiety

He was also encouraged to go to AA by his therapist, which he has done a few times, but openly admitted to me last night he wanted to go smoke weed 'because you wouldn't have known' but only stopped because one of the guys from AA told him it was a bad idea.

Is he an alcoholic? Hopefully you are getting support from Al-Anon for those involved  alcoholics.  https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

Also hopefully you have seen a physician for a complete  evaluation for your physical and mental  health to address the anxiety/depression as well as ruling out underlying causes.

 Don't feel guilty about divorcing someone who refuses to be affectionate/have sex.

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, dilemma delanney said:

I mistakenly added a new thread as I'm getting used to this forum, but I did respond to your questions

Where is the other thread?  I'm confused.

[dilemma delanney]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is he an alcoholic? Hopefully you are getting support from Al-Anon for those involved  alcoholics.  https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

Also hopefully you have seen a physician for a complete  evaluation for your physical and mental  health to address the anxiety/depression as well as ruling out underlying causes.

 Don't feel guilty about divorcing someone who refuses to be affectionate/have sex.

He says he's not an alcoholic, but I have concerns that that is not true. I have looked into al-anon but have not gone to any meetings as this I'd still pretty recent.

 

And thanks for the concern, but I have seen both my Dr and therapist to address my depression and anxiety as well as started lifestyle modifications to help...which is partly how I got to my current situation. 🙃

[stillafool]

10 minutes ago, dilemma delanney said:

There have been times before where I felt like I was settling in this relationship because it was easier to have someone than to give everything up and risk being alone forever. 

Since you have children you will never be alone......and then comes the grandkids.

[SeoulSister]

Why is leaving a bad relationship so hard? It's easy to read someone's situation, and think, "just leave!" 

But, leaving is not easy. I'm in the same situation. Why don't I JUST LEAVE?

Low self-esteem?

Lazy?

Hopeful that something will change (even though it's been the same for year)? LOL.

Logistics? Is that lazy again?

I know NO one is better than a BAD one. But still....