Feeling lost

[MissT92]

Hey everyone, I’m new to this but feel I just need a place to vent and let out my emotions

I was seeing a guy for 10 months and we had the best time together and I really fell for him, he was funny, kind, handsome and I just thought finally I’d met the one

He had previously been in a 9 year relationship that didn’t work out so when he was reluctant to make things official I didn’t push him and was patient but it got to 10 months down the line and even though he said we were exclusive and he didn’t want to date anyone else, he still couldn’t commit to a relationship. I asked why and he said he’s just not sure he can’t give me an answer, so I made the really tough decision to end things as it was t going anywhere 

I feel heart broken and so lonely, I really wanted it to work out and put a lot of my heart into something that has turned out as a waste of time, I’ve got no energy and I’m not eating much or sleeping well I just need someone to talk to :(

[Wiseman2]

58 minutes ago, MissT92 said:

10 months down the line and even though he said we were exclusive and he didn’t want to date anyone else, he still couldn’t commit to a relationship.

If you were in an exclusive relationship what type of 'commitment' were you hoping for? That seems appropriate for 40 weeks dating, no?

 Were there other issues, such as him contacting or talking about his ex? Who advised you that exclusive dating, not dating anyone else was a "lack of commitment"?

[MissT92]

I wanted after 10 months for him to be in a position to want to meet my family, friends etc? Is that too much to ask?

I found out he was messaging another girl (not his ex) and that made me question things too as I thought maybe he didn’t want to call me his girlfriend because he wanted to keep his options open

if after 10 months he won’t even call me his girlfriend then will he ever want to? 

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, MissT92 said:

I found out he was messaging another girl  and that made me question things too as I thought maybe he didn’t want to call me his girlfriend because he wanted to keep his options open

Ok texting other women and not meeting each others' friends is odd after 10 mos. Have you asked him to meet friends (his and yours) and family? Don't focus on labels, but to keep an eye on why he's not integrating lives more and why he's still texting other women.

[MissT92]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok texting other women and not meeting each others' friends is odd after 10 mos. Have you asked him to meet friends (his and yours) and family? Don't focus on labels, but to keep an eye on why he's not integrating lives more and why he's still texting other women.

No I didn’t ask him about meeting friends or family, for example if his parents were going around his on a Friday night he would say to me I can’t see you tonight my parents will be here, so it was clear he didn’t want me meeting them 

I know you probably think that was an assumption but when I ended things I asked him why he was so against a relationship and he couldn’t even give me an answer, I literally got nothing out of him

I also found it weird he would never like any of my photos on social media even though I would like posts of his, I just felt like I was being hidden away and he didn’t want anyone knowing I existed 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, MissT92 said:

I also found it weird he would never like any of my photos on social media even though I would like posts of his, I just felt like I was being hidden away and he didn’t want anyone knowing I existed 

Then you definitely made the right call ending things. Do you think he was still talking to or on/off with his ex?

[MissT92]

No I actually don’t think that his ex was still in the picture but I think he wasn’t completely over her and that’s the reason he didn’t want to take the next step

I just feel so lonely I really do miss spending time with him and hoping he will get in touch to say he has changed his mind even though I know that’s silly behaviour 

[stillafool]

They say it takes half the length of the relationship for you to get over the breakup (depending on why it ended).  If that's true he's no where near being over his last relationship.  Has he told you he's in love with you?  If not and he isn't introducing you to those close to him you definitely did the right thing by moving on.  

[MissT92]

34 minutes ago, stillafool said:

They say it takes half the length of the relationship for you to get over the breakup (depending on why it ended).  If that's true he's no where near being over his last relationship.  Has he told you he's in love with you?  If not and he isn't introducing you to those close to him you definitely did the right thing by moving on.  

That makes sense, no he never told me he loved me and I dont think he was in love with me either even though I fell for him pretty hard 

I think I just needed fresh opinions on the situation and I know it was the right thing to do, just doesn’t make it any easier sadly 

 

[stillafool]

29 minutes ago, MissT92 said:

That makes sense, no he never told me he loved me and I dont think he was in love with me either even though I fell for him pretty hard 

I think I just needed fresh opinions on the situation and I know it was the right thing to do, just doesn’t make it any easier sadly 

 

I understand I've been there too.  You'll be okay it just takes time.  You have to stay really busy to take your mind off of the breakup.

[CindyLou1]

9 years is a long time, I think people who come out of lengthy relationships and hop right into seeing other people tend to be doing that because they're looking for a rebound since they struggle to be alone. Not saying that's the case here but you definitely made the correct decision to end things. 

I'm in the same boat where I can't sleep & I'm struggling to eat. Distractions are the best thing, I'm currently helping a family member decorate and it has sort of been helping keep my mind busy. Otherwise I'll probably be thinking non-stop about all the good times and driving myself crazy.

[dramafreezone]

6 hours ago, MissT92 said:

I was seeing a guy for 10 months and we had the best time together and I really fell for him, he was funny, kind, handsome and I just thought finally I’d met the one

 

That's certainly great but doesn't mean that someone's ready to build a life together with you.

Did you ever ask about his thoughts on marriage, children, or any sense of what you both want in the long term?  That's something you should get a feel for relatively early on.

Edited November 7, 2021 by dramafreezone

[MissT92]

10 hours ago, QueenBanrigh said:

9 years is a long time, I think people who come out of lengthy relationships and hop right into seeing other people tend to be doing that because they're looking for a rebound since they struggle to be alone. Not saying that's the case here but you definitely made the correct decision to end things. 

I'm in the same boat where I can't sleep & I'm struggling to eat. Distractions are the best thing, I'm currently helping a family member decorate and it has sort of been helping keep my mind busy. Otherwise I'll probably be thinking non-stop about all the good times and driving myself crazy.

I hope you’re doing okay, it’s so hard I feel like every day is a struggle atm and I’ve got a constant anxious feeling in my chest 

That’s a good idea, my sister is currently decorating her house so I could see if she needs any help or offer to babysit my nephews more 

Thank you for your advice 

[MissT92]

9 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

That's certainly great but doesn't mean that someone's ready to build a life together with you.

Did you ever ask about his thoughts on marriage, children, or any sense of what you both want in the long term?  That's something you should get a feel for relatively early on.

I never asked about marriage but he actually asked me if I wanted kids to which I replied yes, and when I asked him he said he was never sure he wanted them but was coming around to the idea 

It’s definitely been a learning curve for me for future relationships, I need to make sure we are on the same page in terms of what we want from the beginning as I never want to feel like this again 

 

[Blind-Sided]

16 hours ago, MissT92 said:

...I know you probably think that was an assumption but when I ended things I asked him why he was so against a relationship and he couldn’t even give me an answer, I literally got nothing out of him

I also found it weird he would never like any of my photos on social media even though I would like posts of his, I just felt like I was being hidden away and he didn’t want anyone knowing I existed 

Yep.... you are making assumptions. (at least to the story so far)

Sure... after 10mo, I'm sure you would want things to progress.  But if he got out of a 9 yr relationship... then he may really just need to take a step back and evaluate life.

The second point is... you can't judge anything from him txt'ing another girl.   did you ask about her?  Are they old friends? 

The last point is... how long have you been trying to put a label on this? Maybe he was getting tired of you nagging him about putting a label on things, when he has already told you he isn't seeing anyone else. That alone could make me reevaluate a GF.   I got out of an almost 20 year relationship... and my GF was out of a 7 yr.  We are both divorced, and I told her point blank... don't expect a proposal any time soon.  Even though I love her... I don't need the "Legal" BS that goes along with a divorce. 

as far as SM is concerned... unless he is very active on whatever platform you are, and is liking a bunch of other posts... I wouldn't read much into it. 

Anyway... sorry you are upset... but remember... you are the one that decided to end things. 

Edited November 7, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, MissT92 said:

t’s definitely been a learning curve for me for future relationships, I need to make sure we are on the same page in terms of what we want from the beginning as I never want to feel like this again 

Yes it seems to me too many hang onto people who do not want commitment, do not want a label, do not want a "relationship", do not definitely want kids... etc.
In the hope they will magically change their minds.
They usually don't, and it is a complete waste of time...

[MissT92]

1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said:

Yep.... you are making assumptions. (at least to the story so far)

Sure... after 10mo, I'm sure you would want things to progress.  But if he got out of a 9 yr relationship... then he may really just need to take a step back and evaluate life.

The second point is... you can't judge anything from him txt'ing another girl.   did you ask about her?  Are they old friends? 

The last point is... how long have you been trying to put a label on this? Maybe he was getting tired of you nagging him about putting a label on things, when he has already told you he isn't seeing anyone else. That alone could make me reevaluate a GF.   I got out of an almost 20 year relationship... and my GF was out of a 7 yr.  We are both divorced, and I told her point blank... don't expect a proposal any time soon.  Even though I love her... I don't need the "Legal" BS that goes along with a divorce. 

as far as SM is concerned... unless he is very active on whatever platform you are, and is liking a bunch of other posts... I wouldn't read much into it. 

Anyway... sorry you are upset... but remember... you are the one that decided to end things. 

He didn’t meet me straight out of his 9 year relationship, he had been single for almost a year but the time we met 

Yes I did ask about her and they weren’t old friends, they had never met, they met on a dating app a while ago and she still contacts him from time to time. If he was really into me I would think he would cut contact? But he didn’t 

I haven’t nagged him at all I think you’re the one making assumptions now, he said when I ended things how patient I had been so I know I’m not a “nag” and I’m not going to settle for someone who doesn’t want to put a label on things as I want to settle down and start a family 

Also I can still be upset even though I ended things, I didn’t end it because I didn’t love him, I ended it because he didn’t love me back 

 

[MissT92]

53 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Yes it seems to me too many hang onto people who do not want commitment, do not want a label, do not want a "relationship", do not definitely want kids... etc.
In the hope they will magically change their minds.
They usually don't, and it is a complete waste of time...

Yeah exactly, I held on to things knowing in my heart he wasn’t going to change his

 

54 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Yes it seems to me too many hang onto people who do not want commitment, do not want a label, do not want a "relationship", do not definitely want kids... etc.
In the hope they will magically change their minds.
They usually don't, and it is a complete waste of time...

Yes I realised that the hard way 

I still hope every time I check my phone he will message and have changed his mind and realised we are meant to be together

Im romanticising things which is never good but so hard to just keep busy and move on from it 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think that unforuantely, he just didn't feel the same way about you that did about him. 

Keeping you at arm's length from anyone else in his life, avoiding making things more official after almost a year, chatting with another woman from a dating app....this isn't the behaviour of a man who is genuinely into you. 

It hurts, but you will know what to keep an eye on in the future. 

[MissT92]

17 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think that unforuantely, he just didn't feel the same way about you that did about him. 

Keeping you at arm's length from anyone else in his life, avoiding making things more official after almost a year, chatting with another woman from a dating app....this isn't the behaviour of a man who is genuinely into you. 

It hurts, but you will know what to keep an eye on in the future. 

Yes it’s a bitter pill to swallow but it’s true and I will be a lot more cautious when I start dating in the future it’s just so hard to find someone who wants a relationship and not just some fun

Ive joined dating apps as I’m not sure how else to meet someone these days 

[CindyLou1]

8 hours ago, MissT92 said:

I hope you’re doing okay, it’s so hard I feel like every day is a struggle atm and I’ve got a constant anxious feeling in my chest 

That’s a good idea, my sister is currently decorating her house so I could see if she needs any help or offer to babysit my nephews more 

Thank you for your advice 

It's normal to feel that way, it just means your emotions are genuine. I have the same feeling, some days it's worse than others but force yourself out of bed and do something - trust me on this.

[MissT92]

32 minutes ago, QueenBanrigh said:

It's normal to feel that way, it just means your emotions are genuine. I have the same feeling, some days it's worse than others but force yourself out of bed and do something - trust me on this.

Yeah I have to stop feeling sorry for myself 

just have a horrible anxious feeling that won’t go away and can’t stop crying 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, MissT92 said:

just have a horrible anxious feeling that won’t go away and can’t stop crying 

(((HUGS)))), you'll be okay and you will meet the right guy.

[MissT92]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

(((HUGS)))), you'll be okay and you will meet the right guy.

Thank you so much

[CindyLou1]

42 minutes ago, MissT92 said:

Yeah I have to stop feeling sorry for myself 

just have a horrible anxious feeling that won’t go away and can’t stop crying 

Hey, I'm there with you. I was doing the dishes while crying, showering while crying lol it's okay. It hurts like hell now but you will look back on this eventually and not feel that pain anymore that seemed like it would last forever.