Is this fixable?

[Litlog]

Im going to try my best to keep this short as possible. I appreciate everyone reading this and willing to give me advice.

July 2019 I matched with a girl on a dating app. After a few weeks of texting each other I drove an hour to her town and had a really good first date. At the end of it she asked if I was free for a second date. After that every Friday night once I was off work I would pack my bag and stay at her house for the weekend and head back home that Sunday night. 

That lasted for a year when she asked me if I wanted to take our relationship to the next level by having me move into her house. It worked out perfectly cause at that time there was an opening at another office in that city so once my transfer papers were approved I was fully moved into her house by the end of the month of July 2020.

Everything was really good. We never fought and if the rare occasion that we had argument we were good at sitting down and talking the issue at hand out and what we were willing to do to fix the issue.

Everything was going smoothly until July of this year. The office I was working at was loosing alot of money due to the pandemic so it was expected of me to work longer hours and be more firm with pass due customers. 

With the added stress I started drinking but I felt really embarrassed by it so for whatever stupid reason I started drinking while she was at work and hiding my empty beer cans in the house.

By September of this year she found the empty beer cans and I admitted everything. She was obviously hurt but told me she understood and that I didn't need to hide things like that from her.

Fast forward to the beginning of October my office is shut down permanently due to the pandemic and im out of a job. I had a decent amount saved up in my savings so bill wise we weren't stressed about that but I was actively applying for jobs in the area.

After a week of this I noticed she was getting super short with me and always in a bad mood which was out of character for her. When we sat down and talked about it she said that me being home more often than normal was annoying her alittle but reassured me it was mostly cause I was being too loud while she did her homework.

Completely understandable and I was actively working towards not being as loud for her. A few days after that she found an old stash of empty beer cans. She was for good reason upset but when I tried assuring her that this was a pile from before we talked she told me she didn't know if she could trust me.

After talking about it alittle she told me she felt like I damaged her trust and didn't like feeling like that. I agreed with her and assured her again that hiding alcohol from her was behind me. We kissed and made up and everything seemed normal up until my birthday a week later.

On my birthday she had to work all day so my brother and his girlfriend came up and offered to buy me a couple drinks to celebrate. I agreed and we went out to drink.

That evening after they dropped me off back home I did my usual evening chore of folding the laundry. While doing that I was drinking a beer that had been sitting in the fridge for a few weeks. 

As I was folding laundry I heard my (ex) girlfriend come home early. Excited I asked her how day was and she instantly cut me off in an angry tone asking me if I had been drinking. I said I had been and I was currently drinking the leftover beer in the fridge. 

She grabbed my half empty beer, walked into the kitchen to dump the beer down the sink, proceeded to throw the can at me and screamed at me that she was done and wanted me out of the house.

Being super hurt and confused I tried sitting her down to talk but she refused. She kept telling me I broke her trust and wanted me gone.

After we both cried it out she stuck with her idea that she was done with me. At first I tried my hardest to not lose her but after seeing she wasn't responding to me I eventually accepted it.

She left for the night to stay with her mom. Strangely the next day she randomly came home and acted like nothing was wrong. If I tried mentioning anything about the fight she would tell me she's done with talking about it and would changed the subject.

But when the subject changed and we stopped talking about the fight it was like nothing happened. She even laid her head on my lap while we watched a movie and she even asked if I wanted I wanted to go out to get dinner with her.

By the end of the night she annouces to me she was going to stay with her mom for the night again. I must of looked hurt or something cause she immediately comforted me saying that she didn't like the idea of me sleeping on the couch cause I have back problems. As she was walking out the door she told me Goodnight and that she would see me in the morning.

The next morning I get an angry text from her asking me if I would be completely moved out by the end of the night. I mentioned to her that I was confused on what she wanted cause the day before nothing was said about me moving out and everything seemed fine. She confirmed she wanted me completely moved out by the end of night and that she didn't want to see me anymore.

There was no way I could pack everything in a single day so by the end of the night I sent her a text to let her know I was leaving and that I needed to come back in a couple days to get the rest to my stuff. 

That royally made her mad with her telling me I should of left when she said to leave. I ignored that text and then an hour later she sent me a text asking me to let her know when I was back at my parents because of some storm in the area that wasn't anywhere near close to my route but I was polite and let her know when I got there safely to which she ignored it.

The next day she sends me an angry text telling me that she had to change the locks on her door because I didn't give the key back. It was an honest mistake that I forgot about and I apologized for it.

By this point I was tired of her being angry at me so I filled my car up and went to get the rest of my stuff with my parents. All of which she was okay with.

When we got there her mom was there. Everything went smoothly and again our conversation was like nothing had went wrong. I even had her laughing at a random date memory we had. But thats when it went sour. As I was unplugging the roku she yelled at me that it was hers. Both her mom and my mom corrected her that it was given as a gift for my birthday last year. 

When she heard that she ripped it off the TV and gave it to me. I tried being nice and told her if she really wanted it she could keep it. She immediately told me too late. Her mom looked at her and told her it was nice offer. So again I offered it to her and even offered to hook it back up for her. She went to say something in a angry voice again but her mom cut her off and told her enough.

After I packed everything I told her I wasn't good at goodbyes but told her she needed to promise me she would stay in school. She smiled and said she would. After that I told her to have a good life and when I said that she rolled her eyes and asked what that is suppose to mean in a annoyed tone. Her mom jumped in and told her I was being polite and there was no need for rude comments.

All of that is out of character for her. I have never seen her act like that towards me before. But fast forward 4 days. We have had zero contact when she texted me to let me know i forgot a random pillow. It took everything I had to not jump on the opportunity to see her but I told her my mom was going to be in her area the next day and she would swing by to pick the pillow up for me.

Before the breakup I had ordered my ex a surprise gift that I knew she would love. After the breakup I couldn't get a refund for it cause it had already shipped and I had no use for the item so I asked her if she still wanted the surprise. She told me yes.

The next night my mom returned home and told me that when she picked up my pillow and gave her my gift. She had apparently said thank you and seemed excited about the gift.

But the next morning I noticed she had removed me on all social media. Definitely hurt but again ignored it. 

Lastly yesterday morning after not hearing from her in a week she sends me a text telling me she had recieved a random letter in the mail with my name on it and wanted to know where I was to forward it to me. I gave her the address I wanted it sent to and told her thank you. She just replied with "Okay"

So here I am a 30 year old thats unemployed and living back with his parents. What do you guys think? Is any of this fixable?

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Litlog said:

  she had recieved a random letter in the mail with my name on it and wanted to know where I was to forward it to me.

So here I am a 30 year old thats unemployed and living back with his parents. 

Sorry this happened . Between the unemployment and drinking there was too much stress.

Good you moved out. Make sure you sever all financial ties and accounts. Change all your passwords. Change your address on all your accounts and have your mail forwarded.

Don't drag it out with trivial stuff. Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Once you move out, it's not fixable. However focus on sobriety and get to sobriety support groups. Also look for jobs. Any jobs. Side jobs. Delivery pizza and bag groceries if you have to but start doing something.

Living with parents at 30 drinking and unemployed is fixable...if you fix it.

Edited November 7, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Litlog]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened . Between the unemployment and drinking there was too much stress.

Good you moved out. Make sure you sever all financial ties and accounts. Change all your passwords. Change your address on all your accounts and have your mail forwarded.

Don't drag it out with trivial stuff. Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Once you move out, it's not fixable. However focus on sobriety and get to sobriety support groups. Also look for jobs. Any jobs. Side jobs. Delivery pizza and bag groceries if you have to but start doing something.

Living with parents at 30 drinking and unemployed is fixable...if you fix it.

My biggest confusion is how she treated me when she came home on my birthday. I never was and still not a big drinker. When my old job started putting extra pressure on me to keep the office open I did drink behind her back a couple times a week and hid the alcohol. Something im still ashamed about to this day but once she discovered the old cans and we talked about the issue she made it seem like everything would be fine.

After that I stopped drinking until my birthday but she made it seem like I was drinking behind her back again and refused to believe me.

I haven't drank anything since my birthday almost a month ago and really dont plan on drinking for a while.

I do have a few office job interviews in another city so im crossing my fingers here in the next few weeks I'll have a better paying job and a new apartment.

One more thing though. Ive been through a couple breakups and always followed the no contact rule. Never has an ex tried to get in contact with me before during that time period so im confused on why she comes up with random little things to text me about. Like the situation with my pillow. Thats something I can go to the store and get another one. No need to have to drive an hour away to get it. And then the random letter she got with my name on it was obviously junk mail so I dont understand what shes trying to accomplish 

[FMW]

From the information you provide, it does seem like she was being unreasonable.  But there is probably more you missed or dismissed as unimportant even if she brought it up.

Did she not want you to drink at all?  Is that why you hid it from her?  In that case, it might have been a big enough issue for her to end things.

Why did you hide the empty cans instead of disposing of them?  That almost makes it seem like you wanted her to find them.

A possibility, no matter how unlikely, is there is someone else for whom she's developed feelings and your current situation made it easier for her to choose to end things.

Whatever her reasons, it seems unlikely it is fixable.  Do you really want to be back in a situation where you never know when she's going to get upset?  You don't want to have a partner who can't weather the tough times.  You clearly didn't feel like you could share with her the extent of your work- related stress. 

Focus on finding a new job and being able to live on your own again.  Don't have any further contact with her, or limit it strictly to handling any unfinished business (more belongings you might have left or packages that might come for you that she doesn't want to forward by mail, etc.).

 

[Litlog]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

From the information you provide, it does seem like she was being unreasonable.  But there is probably more you missed or dismissed as unimportant even if she brought it up.

Did she not want you to drink at all?  Is that why you hid it from her?  In that case, it might have been a big enough issue for her to end things.

Why did you hide the empty cans instead of disposing of them?  That almost makes it seem like you wanted her to find them.

A possibility, no matter how unlikely, is there is someone else for whom she's developed feelings and your current situation made it easier for her to choose to end things.

Whatever her reasons, it seems unlikely it is fixable.  Do you really want to be back in a situation where you never know when she's going to get upset?  You don't want to have a partner who can't weather the tough times.  You clearly didn't feel like you could share with her the extent of your work- related stress. 

Focus on finding a new job and being able to live on your own again.  Don't have any further contact with her, or limit it strictly to handling any unfinished business (more belongings you might have left or packages that might come for you that she doesn't want to forward by mail, etc.).

 

She never mentioned wanting me to stop drinking all together. When the empty cans were discovered and we talked it out all that she asked was that I would be more open towards her when it came to drinking and to slow down a little. All of which I did. I even sent her a text my birthday morning letting her know my family was taking me out that day to go out to eat/drink and all she said was okay.

To be honest I don't know why I tried hiding the alcohol those couple months. Like I said we were always really good about discussing issues with each other but with that I felt extremely embarrassed by the situation and unfortunately chose a stupid route of hiding the alcohol for a couple months. I honestly thought all of that was behind us once we talked it out

Edited November 7, 2021 by Litlog

[Saracena]

Yes, I too wondered why you hid the cans in the first place.  Is she very anti-alcohol or something? Also as someone else remarked strange you disposed of them where they could so easily be discovered.

 In terms of her reaction, which I agree is unreasonable, it sounds to me you hit a sore spot there ie trust.  Do you know anything about her past relationships and how/why they ended?  Something makes me think this could be a trigger here. Either that or (more likely IMO) she had been thinking about breaking up for a while anyway  and that was the last straw, so to speak. Could even be a combination of both.

[Wiseman2]

22 hours ago, Litlog said:

So here I am a 30 year old thats unemployed and living back with his parents. What do you guys think? Is any of this fixable?

This is all fixable. However you can't backpedal in a relationship once there's this much conflict and stress and moving out. It was her house, she found piles of beer cans everywhere and your unemployment didn't help. 

So it doesn't matter what happened on your birthday. That was the final straw in being deceitful and so the final nail in the coffin. Hiding a habit, regardless of her opinion of drinking, is the issue. Lies and deceit. Treating her like she's stupid. 

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, Saracena said:

I too wondered why you hid the cans in the first place.  Is she very anti-alcohol or something? Also as someone else remarked strange you disposed of them where they could so easily be discovered.

That also seems very odd to me. If you have never had a problem with alcohol, and if she never expressed a dislike of alcohol, why were you hiding cans around the house? It seems there are some pieces of the story missing here, as it's bizarre to go from no issues to hiding your drinking like someone with an addiction. 

In any event, I think she is done with the relationship. She is very angry and resentful, and it may or may not be down to your drinking. My guess is that it's a combination of different issues and she has probably been edging towards breaking up with you for a while. Whether or not it's out of character for her isn't really the point. The point is that she is making it very clear that it's over and after this much drama, it's not fixable.