Ex Girlfriend left me because she's lost about everything

[Somelove]

Hey everyone,

in desperate need of some advice. My ex gf (25) broke up with me (31) because she is lost about so many things.

we were together for 2.5 years, we met in the cutest of ways and immediately fell madly in love. We spent more than 2 years of bliss, she shared things with me she had never shared with anyone before, same for me. We grew up together and lived so many life moments together. She told me she had never loved anyone as much as me, that i was her home, her family and the best thing that ever happened to her. Starting January of this year she had met a guy and they share a lot of the same passions in life (cooking, music etc.) she kept talking about him saying how cool he was and how they clicked. They had only been hanging out for 2 weeks. I told her that this annoyed me. Not the fact that she hung out with him, i’m a pretty chill and down to earth guy, but how she kept speaking about him. Fast forward to the summer where she didn’t hang out with him for about 6 months (he doesn’t live in the same country). We both went and partied with the same group, which he also belongs to, and i started feeling uneasy, where she only wanted to party, started disregarding her job, her life, her relationship her career etc and I really felt like i was being dragged down by this whole vibe. I kind of lost myself, didn’t stand up for myself as a man and started sweeping a lot under the rug. She kept hanging with him when he came back for holidays, and the same group, partying and cooking together etc until one day i confronted her and asked her bluntly if she had feelings for him. She told me ‘i don’t know what i’m feeling, he’s someone i cherish a lot and we clicked’ . I immediately knew that she was attracted to him but she was afraid of showing it. We almost broke up and she started crying telling me how much she loved me and couldn’t bear the thought of losing me. We decided to patch things up and work on it. But I had lost trust, i started neglecting her a lot sexually and emotionally and i closed off on her because i couldn’t believe that she was this immature to continue feeding her emotions towards this guy while being committed to me (she kept saying that she wanted us to move in together and start a life together). I thought that maybe if she saw how hurt I was, she would stop talking to him or seeing him at least. The day before he left, she told me she invited him to her place to cook. Again, didn’t say anything because i didn’t want to smother her. But deep inside i started being insecure and needy and possessive. 
 

2 months later, she took a trip to a friend’s in Barcelona (the guy lives an hour away from Barcelona) . One day she calls me telling me he’s going to teach her how to cook a Spanish dish, i didn’t think much of it until she mentioned she booked a train ticket to his. Thats when I started getting furious, i told her that this was unacceptable and that she had obliterated the line. Thats she’s willingly going to see a guy who nearly broke us ip not 2 months ago to go see him in a spanish village on her own. I told her this relationship was not working for me anymore and i wanted to break up. I acted in a very insecure way and felt like I was smothering her on her holidays.  She called me told me she was having a panic attack. She couldn’t breath, couldn’t imagine my life without me etc etc. I immediately backtracked and said i was willing to work on things. 
the next day she took a plane ticket home so we could have a talk about where we stood. She told me she was so confused and lost about everything in her life (she’s unemployed) she has A LOT of family problems she’s been running away from, that i closed off on her emotionally and sexually, that i pushed her away and didn’t communicate and that she wanted to break up because in her head she had given this relationship so many tries although she never mentioned anything to me. She also told me she had kissed him. And that she didn’t know what she was doing anymore , confused about so many things in her life and wanting to spend time alone.

i had closed off on her because i thought she’s be mature enough to realise that she was causing me pain with this guy without her noticing it. Her therapist told her she was seeking the other guy’s attention because i wouldn’t give her any. When i asked her again what she felt with this guy, she told me ‘fire’ but that this wasn’t about him at all and that given the choice she would always always choose me but that i closed off on her so much that i created distance in the relationship that was bigger than what she thought and she couldn’t do it anymore. She said we were ar different stages in our lives.  We spent 3 days going back and fort between making it work or breaking up until she decided she wanted to break up for good and said ‘maybe one day we’ll come back stronger, but I need to live the next chapter of my life alone because i’m confused about everything and i feel like i cheated on your for 2 months already and i feel so guilty and have so many problems and issues in her life she needed to resolve.

 

i begged, i pleaded, we both cried, i went and bought her gifts, sex toys to spice up our relationship, i wrote her a love letter, i sent her angry messages. Basically ALL the mistakes a guy does when being dumped. It didn’t change anything. She was convinced about her decision and even told my best friend so.

 

i’ve been in NC for 4 weeks, small messages here and there but nothing extravagant. I love her more than anything. I really do. I think i’ve finally found my soulmate and feel i handled everything so poorly that i pushed her away even more. We barely got into fights our first 2 years. Our only fight were about this guy. She told me the other guy is nothing and not important in the grand scheme of things, that i was the love of her life and her home. But still she wants to be alone and explore life on her own now. She’s barely speaking to me now. I feel she might be slightly angry at me as well.

any advice on how to proceed and what it all means? She gave me so many reasons for the breakup it’s hard to pinpoint the true reason:

- so lost in life. Family problems, unemployed, past trauma she needs to fix

- i pushed her away and closed off on her

- she’s young and wants to explore and feels she has a lot of growing up to do

- wants passion in her life and not boring monotonous life

 

thanks again for the support . It’s been a tough couple of months. 

Edited November 7, 2021 by Somelove

[elaine567]

She is 25, what did you expect?
She is young, the world is her oyster, she does not want to be tied to you.
She was correct, two different life stages.

You should have broken up with her in January as soon as that other guy showed up.
Women who are in love with you do not go and "hang out" with other guys.
You were needy, insecure and possessive because you knew you were losing her.
Perfectly normal reaction, stop beating yourself up...

Grieve, heal and move on.
Nothing left for you here.

[ExpatInItaly]

44 minutes ago, Somelove said:

She gave me so many reasons for the breakup it’s hard to pinpoint the true reason:

It's right here:

44 minutes ago, Somelove said:

she had met a guy and they share a lot of the same passions in life (cooking, music etc.) she kept talking about him saying how cool he was and how they clicked

She dressed it up with a lot of other things so it would be less painful-sounding, but that's what it sadly boils down to. She started detaching from you and falling for someone else, long before you ever closed up on her. And there is probably more you don't know about what has gone on between them, and is likely still going on between them. She was the reason this fell apart, not your reaction to her admission that she had feelings for someone else. 

It really sucks, but not standing up for yourself or being "insecure" when she was away or making "mistakes" after being dumped made no difference here. Her heart and mind were already drifting towards him. That isn't something you had any control over, and it's best that you two part ways. She is clearly not invested in you any longer, and while she put on a big show about ending it, her actions and behaviour with this guy tell the true story. 

I am sorry, OP. I would keep No Contact with her unless you're ready to hear that she's getting close to him now.