Cheating coworkers

[JiltedJane]

Feel free to look through my previous posts through the past year. Long story short: I had an off again on again relationship with a coworker that I’ve been infatuated with for years.  For 13 months, even when we were off,We spoke every day all day throughout the day. He started getting really weird in July and being sneaky with his phone, Acting obviously nervous and uncomfortable around me,not wanting to touch me etc. Around that time he started precepting a girl who’s only 22 years old. She’s 13 years younger than him, Very first job straight out of nursing school. I initially didn’t think she was the issue.  I figured it was another woman that had been flirting with during one of our off periods. He typically goes for women that are 10 to 15 years older than him, I was actually considered “Young” for him.  Right after he got done training her, he got a big promotion and is now both of our bosses. Finally at the end of July beginning of August I got sick of his behavior and walked away for space.
He started hanging out with her outside of work, but there were always other people in the group. I saw his body language around her and the fact that he was openly flirting with her at work. I called him out on this multiple times and he had the audacity to tell me he was hurt by the fact I didn’t trust him. He said “she’s too young for me I am not interested in her”. Deep down I knew something was going on and had been.

Even after I walked away at the end of July beginning of August, he still pursued me like crazy. Telling me how beautiful he thought I was, how amazing he thought i was, how much he missed me, couldn’t stop thinking about me, how miserable he was without me.
At the beginning of September he stopped talking to me completely out of nowhere. I texted him and it would take him hours to respond to me and I was only getting one word answers. I knew at that point he probably moved on with her or someone else and I decided I also had to move on. 

When I would see him at work he would act like I was invisible and as if I did something wrong. He literally acknowledged everybody but me. Some coworkers who did know about us told me they had suspicions he had been fooling around with this girl but he was adamant about the fact that he was not interested in her. I messaged him after work one one day asking him to please tell me what happened so that I could have closure and move on with my life. He gave me this long text about how he didn’t wanna be the reason why I didn’t have children,  since he didn’t want them and that it was hard To talk to me because he still had strong feelings for me.  He also made a point to say that he and I can never be friends. That stung.
I asked him several times if there was something going on with him and this girl and he again denied it. I decide to except that the whole kids thing was probably the real root of the issue and then I just had to except this tragic situation.
But of course...I found out that they actually had started dating or fooling around with each other in July, while we were still together. They apparently  made a big announcement at the Halloween party that our hospital put on. I was a secret for 13 months, and now he’s parading her around like a show pony.

That’s what hurts the most. Why am I such an embarrassment? why is he so proud to show her off while I was a secret?

I have so much I wanna say to this jerk off. But I don’t wanna be the one to text him first. I’ve been crying nonstop since I found out last week that the news was officially true. That what I knew intuitively was 100% true and that he’s been gaslighting me. I’ve been going to therapy, engaging in hobbies , had a nice girls weekend this past weekend, and i’ve been getting a ton of support for my friends and family. But,  whenever I’m not distracted with something else, my thoughts immediately go to him and I burst out crying.  Ive barely slept in the past week, and when I do manage to fall asleep I dream of him. I’ve lost 11 lbs. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. What makes it worse, is that if I go for long stretches of feeling good, feeling distracted in a good way, Having fun, I end up having a complete meltdown hours after everything ends. I cry to the point that I can’t talk and sometimes can’t even breathe. I get chest pains, I start shaking. The longer I go without feeling pain, the worse these attacks come on.

My mentor at work promised me she would talk to our official boss, since apparently our official boss was very disturbed not only about the age difference in my ex and our coworker, but over the fact that he’s the one who trained her. I’ve texted this woman twice and she has not gotten back to me as to what my boss said. I don’t think he’s gonna get in trouble, but I want to know what my boss thinks about this whole situation and his treatment of me.

And finally to make everything a million times worse... I just saw this morning that not only were our schedules rearranged, But she put my ex and his new girlfriend in the same pod together so that they can work side-by-side together every day for every shift, and.... for three 12 hr shifts in a row...i’m their team leader,  Which means I’ll have to be working in the same small little section with the two of them side-by-side as well. Yes you read that right. Basically the three of us are going to be working together for 36 hours. I get to work side-by-side with my ex and the girl he cheated on me with.

I’m absolutely sick over this. I feel like the universe is punishing me for something when I’ve already been through enough.

every time I think I’ve hit rock bottom or that my situation can’t get worse… I get a new surprise.  I almost threw up this morning before I went to my other job.I’m completely freaking out about how I’m going to handle the situation. I realize I have years more experience than her, I’m 14 years older, I’ve been there longer, but I don’t think I’m gonna be able to mentally and emotionally handle seeing the two of them together, right in my face. Everyone’s telling me that I I have to go in they are acting as fierce as possible, but I’m not that confident.

I can’t believe that this person ive known for 5 yrs and who I grew so close with over the last 13 months turned out to be such a deceptive, heartless jerk. I’m looking back now and I can’t help but wonder who the hell I dated. I didn’t just lose a boyfriend I lost a best friend, and now I can’t help but wonder how evil he actually is and what else he couldve possibly been hiding.

if anyone’s going to comment on this, please don’t be a jerk about it. I know I was naïve about my relationship with him before. But this is just cruel. I especially appreciate advice from someone who has been through a similar situation and how they handled it.

 

** oh and final note, if anyone has any thoughts on this. Back in August when I started getting suspicious of this girl I tried to look her up on Facebook and couldn’t find her. All my coworkers were able to find her and are friends with her. My sister has no mutual friends with her and she found her within one second. her profile is not only public But so juvenile, it’s actually laugh out loud funny. I’ve never actually talked to this girl at work before, but does not seem a little suspicious…

Edited November 16, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[stillafool]

How old is this guy?

[Wiseman2]

Are there sexual harassment policies at your workplace? If he's using his position to sleep with or date women he mentors or supervises, it's not cool. Report him to HR.

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. Steer clear as much as you can except for work-related conversations, and keep it as impersonal and professional as possible. 

[JiltedJane]

9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

How old is this guy?

He’s 35. He trained her, soon after got a promotion, in school for his masters.
Again she’s 22, first job out of nursing school. 

[JiltedJane]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are there sexual harassment policies at your workplace? If he's using his position to sleep with or date women he mentors or supervises, it's not cool. Report him to HR.

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. Steer clear as much as you can except for work-related conversations, and keep it as impersonal and professional as possible. 

Apparently my boss knows and is not at all happy about it. But she’s friends with him outside of work and it didn’t stop her from rearranging the schedule and not only putting the two of them next to each other at every shift. But she’s now thrown me into the mixApparently my boss knows and is not at all happy about it. However it didn’t stop her from rearranging the schedule and not only putting the two of them next to each other at every shift. But she’s now thrown me into the mix.

While we were dating, I found out he also took one of the other nurses out on a date, and that he was repeatedly asking out other girls. Again while we dating.

Edited November 8, 2021 by JiltedJane

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

He’s 35. He trained her, soon after got a promotion, in school for his masters.
Again she’s 22, first job out of nursing school. 

Yeah I remember your story Jane.  Sorry you're still hurting over this guy.  I don't care what lie he told you about this girl but most single men his age will jump when a 22 year old has interest in them.  I'm seeing it a lot with men in their 30s lately.  I just wonder what makes a 22 year old so hard up they have to date a 35 year old man.  It will be hard on you to be in close quarters with the two of them.  Can you find another job?  There are tons of jobs now.

Saying al of this I don't think it's right that you are telling your boss about their relationship and age difference.  It reeks of jealousy and bitterness and your boss will see this right away which will not bode well for you.  He doesn't have time to manage a love triangle.

Edited November 8, 2021 by stillafool

[JiltedJane]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yeah I remember your story Jane.  Sorry you're still hurting over this guy.  I don't care what lie he told you about this girl but most single men his age will jump when a 22 year old has interest in them.  I'm seeing it a lot with men in their 30s lately.  I just wonder what makes a 22 year old so hard up they have to date a 35 year old man.  It will be hard on you to be in close quarters with the two of them.  Can you find another job?  There are tons of jobs now.

Saying al of this I don't think it's right that you are telling your boss about their relationship and age difference.  It reeks of jealousy and bitterness and your boss will see this right away which will not bode well for you.  He doesn't have time to manage a love triangle.

My boss already knows about it, and I heard she wasn’t happy about it. I didn’t say anything to her. She was concerned not only with the age difference, most of my coworkers are appalled by the age difference, but she’s concerned with the timing of the relationship since again he trained her.

[stillafool]

I really don't see how their age difference is anyone's business.  Why is your boss unhappy about it?  Was she upset when you two were together?

[JiltedJane]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I really don't see how their age difference is anyone's business.  Why is your boss unhappy about it?  Was she upset when you two were together?

She doesn’t know we were together as far as I know. Again I was a big secret. He didn’t want anybody at work to know about us, claimed he didn’t want anybody knowing his business. But now he’s parading this girl around like a show pony. I think she’s mostly concerned with the fact that he has authority over her. And again he usually goes for women 10 to 15 years older than him, so this was a drastic change.

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

She doesn’t know we were together as far as I know. Again I was a big secret. He didn’t want anybody at work to know about us, claimed he didn’t want anybody knowing his business. But now he’s parading this girl around like a show pony. I think she’s mostly concerned with the fact that he has authority over her. And again he usually goes for women 10 to 15 years older than him, so this was a drastic change.

I've known men who in their early-mid 20s who really went for older women.  Somehow those same men once in their 30s are then attracted to the much younger woman they weren't dating back then and carrying with them the sexual skills they learned from the older women.

[JiltedJane]

On 11/9/2021 at 4:48 AM, stillafool said:

I've known men who in their early-mid 20s who really went for older women.  Somehow those same men once in their 30s are then attracted to the much younger woman they weren't dating back then and carrying with them the sexual skills they learned from the older women.

The age difference isn’t the worst part for me. I just wanna know why I was such an embarrassment to him. And she’s not. As devastated as I am , when I was reading her Facebook I was actually laughing out loud at the ridiculous post she was making. She’s  still very much a child. I’m crying multiple times a day and I feel physically sick. 
it’s totally unfair. He gets to go on in a happy relationship after what he did to me, and every date I go on is with someone who is “not looking for anything serious “. All my friends are coupled up, and I’m constantly going to places as the third/fifth wheel or the token single girl.

I just don’t understand how my love life is always such mess.  Why am I always single or with a guy who is embarrassed of me?  I’ve been told my entire life, “you’re the kind a girl people date, not the Kind they marry. “ i’ve never understood this... on paper I have a lot going for me.  I’m 36 by look like I’m 25 at the most. i’m constantly getting hit on. People have been stopping me my whole life to tell me how pretty I am, how gorgeous my eyes/hair/smile is. Everyone is constantly telling me how cute I am.  All of my guy friends Have had crushes on me at some point.  I have two masters degrees, I speak three languages, I’ve been all over the world, people think I’m hilarious, I have hobbies, some I’m so good that I get paid to do them. Why am I never good enough, and this 22-year-old is ?

I realize in that last paragraph I sound really conceited, I promise you I’m not. I know these things are true, but I’m only just starting to believe and accept them now.

I really really want to say something to him. It’s killing me inside.

I plan on quitting this job once all my hours are up at the beginning of December, because I know I cannot handle this anymore.

Edited November 16, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

really really want to say something to him. It’s killing me inside.

I plan on quitting this job once all my hours are up at the beginning of December, because I know I cannot handle this anymore.

What would you say to him that would make a difference at this point?  Do you just want him to know how much he hurt you?  I'm sorry to say but that won't give you closurre.  You should write everything you feel down on a sheet of paper.  Get out all your anger in writing and then put that paper up somewhere to remember or burn it.

Good that you are planning on quitting as that will probably be best so you can heal from this.  It must be excrutiating working with them.

[JiltedJane]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What would you say to him that would make a difference at this point?  Do you just want him to know how much he hurt you?  I'm sorry to say but that won't give you closurre.  You should write everything you feel down on a sheet of paper.  Get out all your anger in writing and then put that paper up somewhere to remember or burn it.

Good that you are planning on quitting as that will probably be best so you can heal from this.  It must be excrutiating working with them.

I’ve been planning to say some thing dismissive and biting. Nothing that openly states how much I’m hurting or how much he hurt me. I don’t want this to be something that kind of disappeared into the mist. 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

I’ve been planning to say some thing dismissive and biting.

Won't this make you seem bitter?  He will think you're just jealous.

[JiltedJane]

Just now, stillafool said:

Won't this make you seem bitter?  He will think you're just jealous.

Probably. But I can’t not say anything.

[vla1120]

On 11/9/2021 at 4:59 AM, JiltedJane said:

I have two masters degrees, I speak three languages, I’ve been all over the world, people think I’m hilarious, I have hobbies, some I’m so good that I get paid to do them. Why  am I never good enough, and this 22-year-old is ?

These credentials are excellent and anyone should be proud to be your partner. You ARE good enough. You are BETTER than good enough!!

On 11/9/2021 at 4:59 AM, JiltedJane said:

I realize in that last paragraph I sound really conceited, I promise you I’m not. I know these things are true, but I’m only just starting to believe and accept them now.

You do NOT sound conceited. You should be proud of your accomplishments and proud of who you are. In fact, when you ARE proud of yourself and of your accomlishments and come to the realization that you ARE enough, you won't CARE about him, or his 22 year old girlfriend. (You should feel sorry for her. She's the one who got stuck with a dud. I wonder how many years of her young life she'll waste on him? Luckily, you got away with only 13 months.)

On 11/9/2021 at 4:59 AM, JiltedJane said:

I plan on quitting this job once all my hours are up at the beginning of December, because I know I cannot handle this anymore.

This is the BEST advice I could give you. Get out of there pronto. Get him out of your life and move on to something better. Until then, simply put your head to the grindstone. Walk in there like you just don't care because you are better and you deserve better. Let him know that by the fact that you stand tall and do your job professionally and without the slightest bit of emotion, when you're around him.

Edited November 16, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[flitzanu]

acting bitter and jealous and trying to say something "biting" and hurtful to him is going to do the opposite of what you think. 

he's done with you, and seems like he never really cared anyway since you were a big secret, and any further interaction you give him about it is just going to end up with him painting you as some crazy jealous girl.

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

Apparently my boss knows and is not at all happy about it.

Report it to Human Resources. "Apparently not happy" is meaningless. Avoid the workplace wolves. Avoid him completely.

[mark clemson]

See if you can get reassigned to a different "work pod". Beyond that suggest you just stay away from them, for your own sanity as much as anything else. Firmly walking away, taking some time to emotionally heal, and finding a new partner (presumably single) who you're happy with will go a long way towards easing your distress.

If he ever "comes crawling back to you" (a big if) you'll at that point have the satisfaction of turning him down, telling him off, etc, etc.

[Stret]

You do not love this guy. Your ego is hurt that he is with someone else, openly, while he wouldn't go public with you. That is the aspect that you have to get over - see a hypnotherapist, s/he will guide you to a better state of mind. He was never your best friend as you seem to think. You are losing nothing at all by losing him. Look forward and plan something good for your life and work towards it. Get a new and better job so you can say you are moving to a better paid position. Living well is the best revenge. And contacting him with anything at all, especially to communicate your pain, will only serve to inflate his ego.

Give it a time and she will probably dump him. At 22 years old, she has no idea what she wants, and years from now it will probably not be him. How many relationships succeed anyway... 

My advice - let it all go and stop wondering about him and her, start taking care of yourself, and things will look better soon.  

[czanclus]

10 hours ago, stillafool said:

How old is this guy?

If you set up a simple system of equations, looks like he is 35, and Jill is 36 - at the time the story from General Hospital came out.

[czanclus]

11 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

if anyone’s going to comment on this, please don’t be a jerk about it. I know I was naïve about my relationship with him before. But this is just cruel. I especially appreciate advice from someone who has been through a similar situation and how they handled it.

But to show more respect... I am truly sorry you are going through this. I have a friend who's been through arguably worse with a man from work, where the casual (but she wanted it not to be casual, but if wants were flying pigs) relationship ended up in pregnancy, which he urged her to abort for he, an early 30 something year old wanna-be eligible bachelor, could not have possibly been saddled so early with such predicament, and besides he just assumed she was on the pill, or had the IUD implant and such like all the other 'normal' geriatric Millennial women who take measures of protection convenient for the males they are having sexual relationships with... Didn't even send flowers or a card wishing her well after a rather drawn out curettage and a lot of blood. Just eventually, at the urging of the common friend who introduced them, the former seeing her crying uncontrollably several times later, the would-not-be future father met up with her to 'wish her luck in the future' and tell her that she'll be alright. /vomit FFW to a couple of weeks later, the newly hired intern, fresh from college undergrad gets his attention fast. Still just raw from the abortion procedure, my friend got to witness them giggling merrily in one of the conference rooms, planning their next happy hour outing. It just goes south from there. She started applying to other places for work because this was too much to take. Luckily, both the intern and her new boyfriend (the fling ended up being just that not even a year afterwards) beat her to the punch and took their chances in a different city several states away.

My personal 'pity party' of akin to your being a secret for 1.5 years, while the new girlfriend, 16 years the man's junior got flaunted like a town fair pony over all social media pales in comparison, I think.

If you need to leave your job, take the steps and leave. I strongly urge you to not get into the state of crazy where you have anything else to explain or hash out or resolve with the scumbag for the delusion that it would lead anywhere but otherwise decent people getting hurt. Just turn around and don't look back. Wish them always to feel small in the apathetic gaze of their desire's object. 

Edited November 9, 2021 by czanclus

[JiltedJane]

On 11/8/2021 at 5:49 PM, Stret said:

You do not love this guy. Your ego is hurt that he is with someone else, openly, while he wouldn't go public with you. That is the aspect that you have to get over - see a hypnotherapist, s/he will guide you to a better state of mind. He was never your best friend as you seem to think. You are losing nothing at all by losing him. Look forward and plan something good for your life and work towards it. Get a new and better job so you can say you are moving to a better paid position. Living well is the best revenge. And contacting him with anything at all, especially to communicate your pain, will only serve to inflate his ego.

Give it a time and she will probably dump him. At 22 years old, she has no idea what she wants, and years from now it will probably not be him. How many relationships succeed anyway... 

My advice - let it all go and stop wondering about him and her, start taking care of yourself, and things will look better soon.  

I do love this person and I’m afraid of how long it will take to get over this .

The universe does not want me to get over him I feel like. I reactivated my Facebook for one minute, and immediately a montage popped up with a picture show from our department celebrating emergency room nurses week. He’s in almost all the goddamn pictures, including one with her. He doesn’t even have Facebook! And yet all those pictures. I immediately deactivated it again.

Edited November 10, 2021 by JiltedJane

[Stret]

4 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

I do love this person and I’m afraid of how long it will take to get over this .

The universe does not want me to get over him I feel like. I reactivated my Facebook for one minute, and immediately a montage popped up with a picture show from our department celebrating emergency room nurses week. He’s in almost all the goddamn pictures, including one with her. He doesn’t even have Facebook! And yet all those pictures. I immediately deactivated it again.

Sorry for your situation. If it is of any consolation, these things do tend to ease up over time and then in a few years when you look back, you will see everything for what it really was. 

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

 The universe does not want me to get over him I feel like. 

Avoid him at work except for professional interaction. Also enjoy your social media and reset privacy settings. 

The universe is telling you to avoid players, workplace wolves and sexual harassers.