Cheating coworkers

[czanclus]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Don't talk negatively about yourself.  You don't know what the future holds.

Oh hey, me again. Some insight from a woman in her mid-40s on what the future *may* hold for women in their mid to late 30s who decide to wait it out for the 'ultimate package' of a man who wants them for all that they are, ready to scream it from the rooftops that he's finally found the love of his life he wants barefoot and pregnant as soon as he's off the said roof... he's gonna get derailed somewhere on this fragmented delusion, and not arrive. But instead, a bit self-insecure, a bit of a hot mess, a definite bit of a spoiled momma's boy, additionally spoiled by doting ex-girlfriends and for good thereafter entitled pretty boy is gonna show up, and especially if you got the cash to make it comfortable for him to coast in his pretty boy loungeware eating take-out and watching sports on a 55" TV - that guy's gonna show up and his two high maintenance cats, worship the ground you walk on occasionally, but also more frequently have spouts of emotional neediness and whimsical tantrums. For realistic perspective. Individual results may vary. Personally, I'm glad that scenario missed me by a wide arc, through most wisdom of my own if I may add, in my mid-40s, unmarried, with a teenager in high school.

My advice, Jane - as if you were my closest friend, whose 'properly' waited out, marginally employed, take-out eating, TV-indulging, pretty boy specimen resembles the description above, while she slays in the fierce corporate world with a toddler in tow - DON'T. BE. THAT. WOMAN. Don't dare find yourself in a "alone and childless" situation (if that is what would make you sad) for the choice to wait a decent man out. I know it's a gauche proposition, but as someone who's approached it exactly this way and has all of ZERO regrets, I strongly advise this: you give yourself a timeline, have a baby, and raise it yourself. You got this if you want it, and don't let society and mindless traditionalist values get you down.

This guy, you never a had a prayer with, you just didn't see it, and he said all the right things to keep you just close enough. He isn't worth it. I hope it doesn't take you 4 years like it did me.

Edited November 17, 2021 by czanclus

[JiltedJane]

On 11/17/2021 at 2:33 PM, czanclus said:

Oh hey, me again. Some insight from a woman in her mid-40s on what the future *may* hold for women in their mid to late 30s who decide to wait it out for the 'ultimate package' of a man who wants them for all that they are, ready to scream it from the rooftops that he's finally found the love of his life he wants barefoot and pregnant as soon as he's off the said roof... he's gonna get derailed somewhere on this fragmented delusion, and not arrive. But instead, a bit self-insecure, a bit of a hot mess, a definite bit of a spoiled momma's boy, additionally spoiled by doting ex-girlfriends and for good thereafter entitled pretty boy is gonna show up, and especially if you got the cash to make it comfortable for him to coast in his pretty boy loungeware eating take-out and watching sports on a 55" TV - that guy's gonna show up and his two high maintenance cats, worship the ground you walk on occasionally, but also more frequently have spouts of emotional neediness and whimsical tantrums. For realistic perspective. Individual results may vary. Personally, I'm glad that scenario missed me by a wide arc, through most wisdom of my own if I may add, in my mid-40s, unmarried, with a teenager in high school.

My advice, Jane - as if you were my closest friend, whose 'properly' waited out, marginally employed, take-out eating, TV-indulging, pretty boy specimen resembles the description above, while she slays in the fierce corporate world with a toddler in tow - DON'T. BE. THAT. WOMAN. Don't dare find yourself in a "alone and childless" situation (if that is what would make you sad) for the choice to wait a decent man out. I know it's a gauche proposition, but as someone who's approached it exactly this way and has all of ZERO regrets, I strongly advise this: you give yourself a timeline, have a baby, and raise it yourself. You got this if you want it, and don't let society and mindless traditionalist values get you down.

This guy, you never a had a prayer with, you just didn't see it, and he said all the right things to keep you just close enough. He isn't worth it. I hope it doesn't take you 4 years like it did me.

Updates:

-Worked first shift with “her” today. She kept giving me dirty looks and at the end we were walking out together and she stared me down. I stared her down right back and at the end of the hall she gave me a smug smile and hair toss. 

-Found out that this jerk told our boss about me and now my boss has been telling people I’m just a bitter, angry person who lies a lot and that no one should listen to me about anything I say.

-also found out.....drum roll..... my boss is best friends with the girls father. Friends for 40yrs! Watched this girl grow up. That’s probably why they work every shift together in the same pod and why she’s supportive of them dating. Apparently the only thing she was concerned about was the age difference. 

luckily I have friends in the ER who switched me to a different pod in another section of the ER so that I wouldn’t have to be with them.

but I have to see him tomorrow and I’m freaking out. Haven’t stopped crying since I left work. I don’t deserve this 

 

Edited November 26, 2021 by JiltedJane

[stillafool]

I'm sorry Jane.  You're leaving at the 1st of the year, right?  Well just try to hold on until then.  I know the holidays make it even worse.

[czanclus]

2 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

Worked first shift with “her” today. She kept giving me dirty looks and at the end we were walking out together and she stared me down. I stared her down right back and at the end of the hall she gave me a smug smile and hair toss. 

Sad little person. Give it two years, she will be history in his world unless she gets pregnant by then. Unlikely given how young she is. Take it as a testament to the queen that you are, if even after this douchebag strung you along and then humiliated you at work the-little-miss-hot-stuff *still* feels like you are a threat to their comical relationship.

You try your best, with kindness, every day to distance yourself from this as much as possible. I hope you get a job on the next level, away from both of them, and I hope you look at this two years from now, engaged to a fantastic guy (not this one), and feel grateful the universe conspired to separate you from him.

[JiltedJane]

On 11/26/2021 at 2:44 PM, czanclus said:

Sad little person. Give it two years, she will be history in his world unless she gets pregnant by then. Unlikely given how young she is. Take it as a testament to the queen that you are, if even after this douchebag strung you along and then humiliated you at work the-little-miss-hot-stuff *still* feels like you are a threat to their comical relationship.

You try your best, with kindness, every day to distance yourself from this as much as possible. I hope you get a job on the next level, away from both of them, and I hope you look at this two years from now, engaged to a fantastic guy (not this one), and feel grateful the universe conspired to separate you from him.

Just had one of the worst weekends of my life... 
Saturday, my ex  was there and he would not talk to me, actually brushed past me. I only tried to say hello. 

I continued about my day being professional.

Next thing I know....My boss came in unexpectedly even though it was her day off. I was pulled into the back office immediately with her and the Charge nurse working that day. Apparently my ex and the new gf complained to her saying that I was telling people that they have herpes. I had been venting to my coworkers about the situation, and my boss said she also heard the rumor straight from that coworkers mouth . The girl also said I’ve been going out of my way to be mean to her and make her uncomfortable. I adamantly denied it. I never once said that this guy had an STD, that would be crazy because then it would mean I have it! And I have never ever spoken badly about this girl to any of my coworkers even the one I vented to. I’ve never even spoke to this chick.  My boss also told me that  she heard from other coworkers that They have  been telling people that I’m a psychotic lunatic. She told me that the two of us have been forbidden to talk to each other which is the reason why he will not speak to me And the reason why we were switched to different parts of the ER. I am also for bidden to speak to that coworker I vented to, since she is the one telling people he has herpes.  Luckily she let me vent to my entire story about this guy and tell her what happened. 
She also said that if our manager (her boss) finds out it will go directly to HR and we will both potentially he be fired and black balled.

I am beyond devastated that this guy thinks I told people he has an STD. And beyond angry and depressed that our relationship ended on this bad of a note. I was planning on quitting anyway, but now I don’t know what to do. I don’t I want to quit this job, but I’m afraid the longer I work there, the more likely my manager will find out and get me fired and blackballed from the hospital and it’s umbrella  companies. On the flipside, I don’t want it to look like I’m running away or frightened of these two people. Especially this 22 year old. This whole thing became so unnecessarily stupid and dramatic. I’ve already cleaned out my locker and prepared a resignation letter just in case.

 I also don’t want him thinking that I spread that rumor. I really don’t want to leave forever and have him think I did something that awful. Even though he screwed around on me I would never do something like that. Especially to someone I still care about. I just don’t know what to do right now.

 I’m in a mental tailspin.

Edited November 29, 2021 by JiltedJane

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, JiltedJane said:

Quote

And beyond angry and depressed that our relationship ended on this bad of a note.

You relationship ended because he dumped you for this younger girl.  It had nothing to do with a note.  You owe him nothing.  He could care less about your feelings.

Quote

was planning on quitting anyway, but now I don’t know what to do. I don’t I want to quit this job, but I’m afraid the longer I work there, the more likely my manager will find out and get me fired and blackballed from the hospital and it’s umbrella  companies.

 

I agree with this.  Plus why change your plans and stay stuck in a mess you will never recover from because it's thrown in your face everyday?

 

Quote

On the flipside, I don’t want it to look like I’m running away or frightened of these two people. Especially this 22 year old. This whole thing became so unnecessarily stupid and dramatic. I’ve already cleaned out my locker and prepared a resignation letter just in case.

I thought it was him you were trying to distance yourself from not the 22 year old.  She is't the one who hurt you, he did.  Good you cleaned your locker and have a letter prepared.  Don't let them stop you.

Quote

 I also don’t want him thinking that I spread that rumor. I really don’t want to leave forever and have him think I did something that awful. Even though he screwed around on me I would never do something like that. Especially to someone I still care about. I just don’t know what to do right now.

If only he cared 1/8 of what you care for him.  Please stop being a doormat.  He's not thinking about you one way or the other; you don't seem to understand he's now with her.  Gladly prancing her around like a show pony while he hid you.   Being told to not talk to you actually gave him an out.  He now doesn't have to explain anything to you or answer any questions you my ask him.  Lucky him.

 

[JiltedJane]

13 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 

I was trying to avoid the both of them... But mostly him. I fully accept that they are together and he and I are not meant to be. I mean cmon it’s being rubbed right in my face.  I just don’t want him or other people thinking that I’m that malicious  of a person. And I want him to know that I never and would never do that to him.

I honestly never had a problem with the new gf personally until the other day. I was pissed off about the cheating and appalled by the age difference, but my beef was never with her. The fact that she’s lying to my boss( who btw is basically like an aunt or godmother to her) just infuriates me. And I can’t believe what a malicious jerk he turned out to be.
 

For the record, I’m also beyond furious at the other coworker who started that rumor. I mean what in the actual f?

Edited November 29, 2021 by JiltedJane

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, JiltedJane said:

On the flipside, I don’t want it to look like I’m running away or frightened of these two people.

Who cares what anyone thinks of you in this situation? The BEST thing for you is to get as far away from this toxic workplace as quickly as possible. 

15 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

I just don’t want him or other people thinking that I’m that malicious  of a person. And I want him to know that I never and would never do that to him.

There is that saying (by which I live) "Those who mind, don't matter and those who matter, don't mind." The people who know and care about YOU will know the truth and not judge you incorrectly. As for the rest of them, who cares? Especially in regards to him - he has proven himself unworthy of your concern. Don't give him the benefit of thinking you care what he thinks.

I would take this time to concentrate on getting another job. Take your skill set somewhere you will be appreciated!

[JiltedJane]

🤢😭

I looked. I don’t know why I looked. But I looked.

the vacation schedule for work came out. The two of them picked all their vacations together. Including one in January.

He never wanted to spend more than a weekend with me. I even suggested a short trip and he refused because he didn’t want to spend the money.

why is this GIRL more special than me? 
WHY is their relationship flourishing? They don’t deserve their happiness and I don’t deserve this misery. They are such bad people. They both lied and tried to get me fired. Does karma not exist??!!!

I feel like I might vomit. Seriously I’m nauseated and shaking.

I did this to myself, but I feel like this breakup is constantly like ripping a scab off. 

Resignation going in this week 

[vla1120]

55 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

Resignation going in this week 

Good news! As for everything else, try not to take it personal. Try not to get caught up in the "why's" (Why didn't he vacation with me? Why is she so special?, etc.) You are moving on and moving forward. Consider this, given what you've told us about how he treated you (and is treating you now), accept that you dodged a bullet with him. He did not treat you as well as you deserve to be treated. You would want better for yourself. You will start a new job, soon. Try to put yourself in social situations where you will have the opportunity to meet someone who WILL value you and your time and will make YOU feel special! This WILL pass and you will be in a better spot in your life. 

Edited December 13, 2021 by vla1120

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

why is this GIRL more special than me? 

Who cares? He wasn't the one for you. Stop worshipping him. It's not worth your time. He's a player it's that simple. 

[stillafool]

How't the job hunting going?  Soon you'll be out of there and won't have to see or hear anything about them again.

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

Resignation going in this week 

Just concentrate on this^^^^^^^^^^^^!

[JiltedJane]

I’m actually going to put more hours in at my other job as an NP.
This job with him was only per diem and I’m only a regular RN there. I only stayed because I love working in the ER, and I like all my other coworkers. Plus with the pandemic and the nursing shortage in My state, I wanted to stick around and help. I genuinely care about all of my patients and all my coworkers...Unlike him who hates being a nurse, hates the hospital, openly complains about it, and yet they keep giving him promotions and are paying for his NP school.

how’s this for unfair… I’m working my seventh Christmas in a row even though I’ve asked for the last three off and I’ve been there for six years. 22-year-old has only been there for five months and got her first vacation pick. That’s completely unheard of in your first year.

Edited December 13, 2021 by JiltedJane

[ASG]

8 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

🤢😭

I looked. I don’t know why I looked. But I looked.

the vacation schedule for work came out. The two of them picked all their vacations together. Including one in January.

He never wanted to spend more than a weekend with me. I even suggested a short trip and he refused because he didn’t want to spend the money.

why is this GIRL more special than me? 
WHY is their relationship flourishing? They don’t deserve their happiness and I don’t deserve this misery. They are such bad people. They both lied and tried to get me fired. Does karma not exist??!!!

I feel like I might vomit. Seriously I’m nauseated and shaking.

I did this to myself, but I feel like this breakup is constantly like ripping a scab off. 

Resignation going in this week 

This will sound harsh... but this guy never loved you. You were a place holder. You say you were dating, but he likely never considered you his girlfriend, more of a FWB. 

This girl isn't more special than you. But he does consider her his girlfriend. 

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. You really should leave this hospital and focus your energy elsewhere, so you can heal. 

[mark clemson]

Karma probably only makes sense in the context of belief in past lives, although sometimes the variance of circumstance seems to provide it swiftly. Certainly not always. At any rate, WRT the vacation privileges, it sounds like someone's "playing the game" and/or "gaming the system" somehow. These things happen, and sometimes the "good eggs" get the short end of the stick.

Be glad you'll be out out of the toxic situation quite soon. A bit of a holiday present to yourself.

Then you'll have the opportunity to process this so you can be done with it emotionally and move on to a healthier life situation, and presumably a healthier romantic situation as well eventually.

Edited December 14, 2021 by mark clemson

[JiltedJane]

1 hour ago, ASG said:

This will sound harsh... but this guy never loved you. You were a place holder. You say you were dating, but he likely never considered you his girlfriend, more of a FWB. 

This girl isn't more special than you. But he does consider her his girlfriend. 

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. You really should leave this hospital and focus your energy elsewhere, so you can heal. 

I know now he didn’t. But why wouldn’t he leave me alone, even when I asked him to? Why bullsh*t me with all the romantic dinners, outings, texts...

Edited December 14, 2021 by JiltedJane

[ASG]

3 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

I know now he didn’t. But why wouldn’t he leave me alone, even when I asked him to?

Because he liked the you and the sex. Just because he didn't love you, it doesn't mean he didn't enjoy his time with you. And there's also the question of habit. He didn't want to lose you, because he was used to having you around. He possibly also didn't like that you were the one turning him down. 

I have an ex that said that if a gf would dump him, he would do everything in his power to get her back, so that he could then dump her. Maybe there was a bit of that involved. I don't know, I'm just speculating. 

How many times do we stay in relationships way past their expiry date, just because it's what we know? 

However, when things got serious with this other girl, he stopped trying to get you back. You even stopped talking, right? Even if you didn't know that they were officially together. 

[JiltedJane]

8 minutes ago, ASG said:

Because he liked the you and the sex. Just because he didn't love you, it doesn't mean he didn't enjoy his time with you. And there's also the question of habit. He didn't want to lose you, because he was used to having you around. He possibly also didn't like that you were the one turning him down. 

I have an ex that said that if a gf would dump him, he would do everything in his power to get her back, so that he could then dump her. Maybe there was a bit of that involved. I don't know, I'm just speculating. 

How many times do we stay in relationships way past their expiry date, just because it's what we know? 

However, when things got serious with this other girl, he stopped trying to get you back. You even stopped talking, right? Even if you didn't know that they were officially together. 

He started with her when he was still with me... then kept Pursuing me after I left him and while he started taking her out in public... I kept asking if there was something going on- he would get all defensive. Insisted there was nothing going on with her. He “ wasn’t attracted to her” was “ too young for him”. Told me I was paranoid, had trust issues, was a broken person, that it hurt him I didn’t trust him because he was always honest. he then stopped talking to me out of nowhere. When I asked if it was because of her and for an explanation he told me his feelings for me “are just too strong” and he didn’t want to be the reason I didn’t have children. 
then I found out from coworkers that he was bragging that this has been going on since July. 
People told him repeatedly to have a conversation with me about it and he said he would but didn’t want it to be awkward....

I just feel like I can’t heal. I want to wake up one day and not feel like garbage. 

Edited December 14, 2021 by JiltedJane

[ASG]

6 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

He started with her when he was still with me... then kept Pursuing me after I left him and while he started taking her out in public... I kept asking if there was something going on- he would get all defensive. Insisted there was nothing going on with her. He “ wasn’t attracted to her” was “ too young for him”. Told me I was paranoid, had trust issues, was a broken person, that it hurt him I didn’t trust him because he was always honest. he then stopped talking to me out of nowhere. When I asked if it was because of her and for an explanation he told me his feelings for me “are just too strong” and he didn’t want to be the reason I didn’t have children. 
then I found out from coworkers that he was bragging that this has been going on since July. 
People told him repeatedly to have a conversation with me about it and he said he would but didn’t want it to be awkward....

I just feel like I can’t heal. I want to wake up one day and not feel like garbage. 

That just means he's a cheater and a liar. It's not about you. And he was pursuing you while he was still figuring things out with her. Once those things became clear, he stopped all communication with you and fed you an excuse. That's all it is. 

There's no point in trying to dissect it further. He lied to you, repeatedly, but ultimately she's the one he loves. 

Andyou CAN heal. You just need to distance yourself from the both of them and do your own thing. 

[vla1120]

11 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

I just feel like I can’t heal. I want to wake up one day and not feel like garbage. 

The healing will come faster when you no longer have to deal with them being a daily reminder at work. It won't be long now and you'll be on a new path. Hang in there!

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

I just feel like I can’t heal. I want to wake up one day and not feel like garbage. 

You are correct you will not heal as long as you are working in the same building as them.   You need to start looking for a new job.

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, ASG said:

That just means he's a cheater and a liar. It's not about you. And he was pursuing you while he was still figuring things out with her. Once those things became clear, he stopped all communication with you and fed you an excuse. That's all it is. 

There's no point in trying to dissect it further. He lied to you, repeatedly, but ultimately she's the one he loves. 

Andyou CAN heal. You just need to distance yourself from the both of them and do your own thing. 

It's true.  So many people hold on to someone until they get the person they want.  It's happened to me too.  He knew he wanted that girl regardless of her age and once he knew she felt the same about him he no longer cared what anyone thought because he was going to be with her.  I doubt he set out to hurt you it just ended up that way.

[JiltedJane]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

It's true.  So many people hold on to someone until they get the person they want.  It's happened to me too.  He knew he wanted that girl regardless of her age and once he knew she felt the same about him he no longer cared what anyone thought because he was going to be with her.  I doubt he set out to hurt you it just ended up that way.

Did he and the other chick have to lie and say I’ve been bullying and harassing her?! I realize he was upset about the other coworker spreading the rumor about him having an STD, but this was another convo he should’ve had with me. The whole disaster could’ve been avoided if he was man enough to talk to me in the first place.

[notbroken]

You didn't deserve any of this.  That said, do NOT speak bad of him at work - or speak of him at all.  Just no win there.  It only makes you seem bitter and unprofessional even if warranted.   Quit ASAP.  Go work somewhere else and don't mix business and pleasure - ie. don't date people from work.   It has a way of getting messy.   You can bet your ex's relationship with Miss 22 will backfire too - but that is not your concern.   Go silent about the whole thing except to friends outside of work.   Forever.  That includes the next job too.