Cheating coworkers

[JiltedJane]

Kind a hard when I’m gonna be working with the two of them

[mark clemson]

On 11/10/2021 at 9:37 AM, JiltedJane said:

The universe does not want me to get over him I feel like. I reactivated my Facebook for one minute, and immediately a montage popped up with a picture show from our department celebrating emergency room nurses week.

If one takes this "coincidence" seriously as a Jungian synchronicity (aka meaningful coincidence), there are other interpretations. For example the universe could be reminding you of how hard this situation is going to be emotionally for you, helping you face the reality of not having what you perhaps "really wanted" and recognizing the difficulty of the situation you have put yourself into, etc, etc. 

Maybe the universe is suggesting you find another job where you won't have to deal with this anymore? That's one possible theory, you could probably think of others if you reflect on what you saw.

Edited November 12, 2021 by mark clemson

[JiltedJane]

15 hours ago, mark clemson said:

If one takes this "coincidence" seriously as a Jungian synchronicity (aka meaningful coincidence), there are other interpretations. For example the universe could be reminding you of how hard this situation is going to be emotionally for you, helping you face the reality of not having what you perhaps "really wanted" and recognizing the difficulty of the situation you have put yourself into, etc, etc. 

Maybe the universe is suggesting you find another job where you won't have to deal with this anymore? That's one possible theory, you could probably think of others if you reflect on what you saw.

He’s the face of the ER! He’s Mr. Emergency Room! I feel like vomiting! I’m already planning to bounce in December, after I have my 36 hrs in the weird work threesome my manager put us in.

oh btw his BFF at work does the scheduling so I know this can’t be a coincidence 

Edited November 12, 2021 by JiltedJane

[glows]

Complete the hours professionally and with tact and leave the personal issues at the door. No matter how frazzled you are on the inside, just put it aside and deal with the work issues. During down time or work breaks, take a breather elsewhere. 

Try distracting yourself in the lead up to the schedule and put things in perspective where you can. Since you're making plans to leave focus on those plans and don't let these bumps in the road stop you from progressing to where you want to be. 

You will look back at this and thank your lucky stars that he diverted is attention and stopped seeing you. I think you gained so much more from this than you think you've lost.

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

I’m already planning to bounce in December, after I have my 36 hrs i

Good you only have a month to deal with them and then you'll be gone.  That is the best decision at this point because it's clear you won't get over him seeing him with his new girl everyday.  Plus it will distract you from your job.

[JiltedJane]

On 11/13/2021 at 1:00 PM, stillafool said:

Good you only have a month to deal with them and then you'll be gone.  That is the best decision at this point because it's clear you won't get over him seeing him with his new girl everyday.  Plus it will distract you from your job.

How does anyone ever get over anything like this? Being cheated on? I’ve dealt with some pretty horrible men before, but this hurts in a completely different way.

I’m constantly crying. Even when I feel like I’m fine I’ll burst into tears out of nowhere. I feel like I should be over this by now but it just hurts so badly.

I think what’s making it worse is that everyone at work still loves him, and thinks he’s such a “nice, sweet “guy. And again they’re  promoting him like crazy. He’s the poster child for the emergency room, which is hilarious because he hates his job and doesn’t even want to be a nurse.

Edited November 16, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[jspice]

2 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

How does anyone ever get over anything like this? Being cheated on? I’ve dealt with some pretty horrible men before, but this hurts in a completely different way.

I’m constantly crying. Even when I feel like I’m fine I’ll burst into tears out of nowhere. I feel like I should be over this by now but it just hurts so badly.

I think what’s making it worse is that everyone at work still loves him, and thinks he’s such a “nice, sweet “guy. And again they’re  promoting him like crazy. He’s the f***ing poster child for the emergency room, which is hilarious because he hates his job and doesn’t even want to be a nurse.

You get over it one day at a time. One foot in front of the other. 
It took me about 3 years, and that was with oceans between us once our relationship ended. He still tugs at my heart strings 10 years later … till I slap myself out of it.  For you it might be more or less. 
 

Once you have the benefit of hindsight, you’ll objectively be able to see all the many ways he is wrong for you. 
For now, you’ll have to just tough it out. 

[stillafool]

Were you actually in a relationship with this guy that included dates and sex but he wanted to keep this hidden from your co workers?  What was his excuse and why did you agree?

[JiltedJane]

21 hours ago, stillafool said:

Were you actually in a relationship with this guy that included dates and sex but he wanted to keep this hidden from your co workers?  What was his excuse and why did you agree?

yes we were in a relationship. Even when we were off we were constantly in each others lives. When we were on we agreed we were only dating each other exclusively. He would take me on romantic dates, there was sex, all the above. He said he didn’t want our coworkers to know because he “Didn’t want our coworkers knowing personal stuff about him outside of work “ and that if our coworkers knew they’d “think it was weird and have a lot to say about us.” Towards the end of our relationship he started letting some people know to get their opinion of me and they thought we were cute together and that I was great. It took him four years to ask me out in the first place. I agreed because I always had a thing for him, and eventually fell in love with him. I hoped he would eventually we become more of a thing. Even after I left him in the summer I thought he and I would definitely get back together.
 

And then this new girl comes in and within a few weeks he’s announcing the relationship at the ER Halloween party and showing her off.

Edited November 14, 2021 by JiltedJane

[stillafool]

I'm sorry he hurt you.  I think he was never fully into you and that is why it took him 4 years to ask you out.  He enjoyed the time he was spending with you but never felt what you were feeling for him.  That is why he didn't want others to know you were dating because he knew it wasn't going to last.  He then met this young woman and fell hard for her, sees a future and doesn't care who knows about it.  I think the fact that everyone at work knew you liked him, thought you were a cute couple, at a down time he thought why not give it a chance and date her.  The problem was his feelings were never strong enough to take it further.  He met her, lied to you and then broke up to be with her.  I'm sorry as I know this must hurt terribly because you are in love with this guy.  Unrequited love is painful.  I think you will feel so much better when you change jobs.  Lucky for you that you are in the medical profession and getting a new job won't be a problem.

[mark clemson]

On 11/13/2021 at 5:28 AM, JiltedJane said:

I think what’s making it worse is that everyone at work still loves him, and thinks he’s such a “nice, sweet “guy. And again they’re  promoting him like crazy. He’s the f***ing poster child for the emergency room, which is hilarious because he hates his job and doesn’t even want to be a nurse.

Well, he's probably good at work and good at the socializing aspect and presumably at least reasonable photogenic as well. This may be his rise to something he does want to do like a more managerial position.

People are not "all good" or "all bad" and it's actually very fortunate that many if not most jobs make a separation between work and personal life (else e.g. your boss might be making decisions based on what religion you are, etc, etc).  Sometimes it's not what you know (or like) but who you know (and who likes you). C'est la vie.

At any rate, you're clearly quite upset, and seeing him plastered up around the office no doubt won't help at all. So if your plan is to change jobs, then perhaps focus on carrying it out cleanly so you can heal emotionally and move on from this.

[JiltedJane]

10 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Well, he's probably good at work and good at the socializing aspect and presumably at least reasonable photogenic as well. This may be his rise to something he does want to do like a more managerial position.

People are not "all good" or "all bad" and it's actually very fortunate that many if not most jobs make a separation between work and personal life (else e.g. your boss might be making decisions based on what religion you are, etc, etc).  Sometimes it's not what you know (or like) but who you know (and who likes you). C'est la vie.

At any rate, you're clearly quite upset, and seeing him plastered up around the office no doubt won't help at all. So if your plan is to change jobs, then perhaps focus on carrying it out cleanly so you can heal emotionally and move on from this.

Ha not photogenic at all! I showed people his pictures and they’re like “what is the appeal here Jane?”

Edited November 16, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[mark clemson]

^^ ok fair enough.

[JiltedJane]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

^^ ok fair enough.

Plus when he asked me out he made this huge declaration of love and kept telling me how he’d been trying to tell me throughout the years but didn’t think I felt the same or the gestures fell flat. The times I left him durung our off periods he was constantly chasing me begging me to stay in his life. 
msybe he was just a narcissist 

[stillafool]

Well it's behind you now.  You just have to start looking for a new job so you can put this whole situation in your rear view and heal.

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, JiltedJane said:

msybe he was just a narcissist 

Possibly. They tend to be good at getting people to like them, for a while at least.

That label is substantively overused in relationships/breakups. HOWEVER there are actually many people who exhibit some traits of NPD without having a full blown PD.

[czanclus]

On 11/13/2021 at 11:18 AM, stillafool said:

Were you actually in a relationship with this guy that included dates and sex but he wanted to keep this hidden from your co workers?  What was his excuse and why did you agree?

I'll speak to this as someone who once (and never once again) reluctantly agreed to be someone's unknown-to-anyone 'girlfriend'... or something... in the making...

You agree because of the three things in conjunction 1) you have low self-esteem but don't realize the extent to which it is hurting you, 2) you have intense feelings for the person, and justify that 'soon enough' the wait and 'giving space' will be well worth it, 3) you are at every minor indication gaslighted by the subject of your desperate affection that you are 'too needy' and 'agenda/milestone driven' even if it's been more than a year of dating and the man is going literally out of his way to conceal the fact that you're dating/in a physical relationship. Not your or anyone's place to ask the question from a judgmental position if you've never experienced these feelings and/or states of self-perception.

Then, of course, because what is this universe if not the ultimate torture device, you get to - well, by your own volition, but what is free will anyway - witness that same, infinitely non-committal but thinks the-world-of-you-in-private-interaction man meet the next girl, move her in pronto plus a herd of her high maintenance pets, introduce to all his friends without a flinch, take her to meet his family, everyone is suddenly friends on social media, they move into a fancy house, baby on the way, buy another house, the woman is can-do-no-wrong fairy princess deserving of the finest he can offer in material/emotional/infinitely supportive aspects, and you're left there wondering if you fell through some short-circuit into the 9th circle of **** for the nerve you had to turn around and watch. Well, even that ring beholds an exit hatch, it's just a matter of time...

Edited November 17, 2021 by czanclus

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, czanclus said:

Not your or anyone's place to ask the question from a judgmental position if you've never experienced these feelings and/or states of self-perception.

I don't see my question to OP as coming from a judgmental position but one to get more clarity on the history of their relationship that lead to these events.  When people bring their problems to a forum or a therapist for that matter, questions will be asked in order to give the best advice.

[stillafool]

On 11/15/2021 at 2:22 PM, JiltedJane said:

Plus when he asked me out he made this huge declaration of love and kept telling me how he’d been trying to tell me throughout the years but didn’t think I felt the same or the gestures fell flat.

Did he actually tell you he was in love with you?

[JiltedJane]

43 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Did he actually tell you he was in love with you?

Ultimately ... no.

That night he told me he has always had the biggest crush on me and always had intense feelings for me, and he was afraid to tell me because I always seemed so aloof.

Right before we broke up the first time, he told me that he I was starting to fall in love with me, and that his feelings for me were stronger than just strong feelings.  but since the kids thing was an issue he didn’t want it to be harder for us in the future.

every time I asked him if his feelings for me were more based on sex or lust, He would tell me his feelings for me we’re based on romance and that sex had nothing to do with it.

I never told him I was in love with him either. He doesn’t deserve to know.

Edited November 17, 2021 by JiltedJane

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

but since the kids thing was an issue he didn’t want it to be harder for us in the future.

I'm sorry, what "kids thing" again? 

[czanclus]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I'm sorry, what "kids thing" again? 

Sorry again to butt in, the man said he didn't want to have kids, and didn't want to "make it difficult" for Jane in the future. Heh. Watch him be thrilled to become a father in a measly 2 years, when the (other) lady is ready. Been there.

Edited November 17, 2021 by czanclus

[JiltedJane]

21 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I'm sorry, what "kids thing" again? 

He isn’t sure if he wants kids and didn’t wanna waste my time in case the answer is ultimately no. I told him several times he would end up dating somebody younger and getting her pregnant within 2 to 3 years which he insisted absolutely no way. Well he’s with somebody significantly younger… So I guarantee in 2 to 3 years she will be knocked up and I’ll still be alone and childless

[stillafool]

16 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

So I guarantee in 2 to 3 years she will be knocked up and I’ll still be alone and childless

Don't talk negatively about yourself.  You don't know what the future holds.

[stillafool]

27 minutes ago, czanclus said:

Sorry again to butt in, the man said he didn't want to have kids, and didn't want to "make it difficult" for Jane in the future. Heh. Watch him be thrilled to become a father in a measly 2 years, when the (other) lady is ready. Been there.

Yeah I've seen this happen more than once to women. (sigh)