Breaking up when you love one another

[ctlguy]

How do you let go when you both love one another? Better question is, how do you decide if its right? My GF and I are both in our mid 40’s and we just had our one-year anniversary. We both love one another very much and are best friends. When we met on our first date it was instant comfort, laughing, which last 4 hrs. After our 3rd date she flew across the county to even spend time with my family for thanksgiving. Her kids love me and both of our families adore everyone, so it all seems like all the pros should lineup for a long term future. We have never had a fight at all until the other night. Although it was petty, it did create a long open talk between us that led to questions, our desires, our fears. One being she got out of a really bad marriage a few years ago with a narcissist who has left her with the fear of ever being in a marriage again. While I do want to get to get married, a piece of paper is not going to stop me if that is the case, but it did come out that even the fact of even living with anyone makes her feel trapped and she does not want to go through the same thing as her ex. This is tough to process as I know that I can’t continue with this forever for a hope of that may change. Where I am trapped is know we are just alike, we totally get each other, literally laugh every day, and it all aligns but this one thing.  I could go on and on about all the pros of who we are together and how we feel. I did leave it as “I am not your ex and I can’t carry the burden on my shoulders to convince you that”. So now are at a cross road and just processing it but trying to build the strength to just rip the band aid off and move on.

[vla1120]

33 minutes ago, ctlguy said:

“I am not your ex and I can’t carry the burden on my shoulders to convince you that”.

This is true. Has she talked to someone about her marriage? I was in a 6-year marriage with a diagnosed NPD. He almost destroyed me. Since then, after much therapy with two different therapists, I've learned enough that I will know what to look for next time and will steer clear. I also learned about myself, what left me open to be "victimized" by a narcissist and how to trust myself to make the right decisions moving forward. Your GF also needs to learn this unless she is prepared to spend the rest of her life alone (and she's too young for that.) She CAN recover from a marriage to a narcissist. She just needs the right coaching and self-evaluation. 

[ctlguy]

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

This is true. Has she talked to someone about her marriage? I was in a 6-year marriage with a diagnosed NPD. He almost destroyed me. Since then, after much therapy with two different therapists, I've learned enough that I will know what to look for next time and will steer clear. I also learned about myself, what left me open to be "victimized" by a narcissist and how to trust myself to make the right decisions moving forward. Your GF also needs to learn this unless she is prepared to spend the rest of her life alone (and she's too young for that.) She CAN recover from a marriage to a narcissist. She just needs the right coaching and self-evaluation. 

She has come a long way is fine and happy. Her kids are just entering their teenage years, and they have an amazing relationship. She feels free and happy but wants to just enjoy life where she is now and focus on giving her kids a great life with their new happy mom. So that is her focus. She said she has no idea what she will do once they leave the house, which I am sure she will have a different outlook but its no time soon. I guess she does assumes that since are great then we can just do this for years. 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, ctlguy said:

Where I am trapped is know we are just alike, we totally get each other, literally laugh every day, and it all aligns but this one thing.

But this is one of the most important things. 

Your future goals are evidently not compatible. If cohabitation (and eventually, marriage) is important to you, then this is not your woman. She isn't in that place anymore and there is no guarantee she will get there. Personally, at my age (40) I would not wait around and hope that someone changes their mind so that their goals align more with mine. 

It will hurt to let her go, but I think staying together will ulimately hurt more. As time passes, your feelings of wanting more togetherness (ie. living together) will likely start to breed resentment when you see her still not wanting the same thing. Tough choice to make, but it seems there is no other viable option. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, ctlguy said:

. She feels free and happy but wants to just enjoy life where she is now and focus on giving her kids a great life with their new happy mom. 

Ok. She's finally enjoying her life after a bad marriage and her kids are her priority.

The moving in together talk is much too premature for someone with kids and more so someone who's finally enjoying her kids and life away from a bad situation.

While you could dump her pronto, your living together talk is really too much too soon and too much pressure for the amount of time you're dating and her particular situation.

Step back and ease up on lunging headfirst into domestic drugery. In fact, it would be a huge red flag if she wanted to live together soon considering she has kids and got out of a bad marriage.

It's not about "her ex is a narcissist". It's about her wisely making choices that consider her responsibility to her kids first rather than the whims of a pretty recent BF.

 

Edited November 9, 2021 by Wiseman2

[FMW]

You have to decide if getting married and/or living together is more important to you than being with her.  I wouldn't count on her ever changing her mind, regardless of her reasons.  

I agree with @Wiseman2, one year isn't very long to make life-changing choices.  

But you have to choose what's right for you.  Breaking up now will hurt less than waiting if marriage is a deal breaker for you.  

[ctlguy]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. She's finally enjoying her life after a bad marriage and her kids are her priority.

The moving in together talk is much too premature for someone with kids and more so someone who's finally enjoying her kids and life away from a bad situation.

While you could dump her pronto, your living together talk is really too much too soon and too much pressure for the amount of time you're dating and her particular situation.

Step back and ease up on lunging headfirst into domestic drugery. In fact, it would be a huge red flag if she wanted to live together soon considering she has kids and got out of a bad marriage.

It's not about "her ex is a narcissist". It's about her wisely making choices that consider her responsibility to her kids first rather than the whims of a pretty recent BF.

 

This reminds me of a post I made about when is to soon to have that talk if marriage is in their future. I think after a year its a safe conversation but I never even remotely hinted and any time soon or even specifically with me. It was a mere discussion if "you ever see that in your future". 

I did finally get her break up email. She stated she couldnt give me a what I want "now" and that we are in different places in our lives right now. Its confusing because I never hinted at that. 

[ctlguy]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

You have to decide if getting married and/or living together is more important to you than being with her.  I wouldn't count on her ever changing her mind, regardless of her reasons.  

I agree with @Wiseman2, one year isn't very long to make life-changing choices.  

But you have to choose what's right for you.  Breaking up now will hurt less than waiting if marriage is a deal breaker for you.  

Thats the thing. If that were to ever happen I would easily see it being longer than a year or even more. Truth is I am totally happy where we were and I didnt need anything else from here now. She state the reason for not continuing is its not fair to me that she cant give me more "now". 

[Blind-Sided]

I'm sorry you are at this point... but there are a few things to consider.  At your age... regardless of who you date... they will have baggage of an "EX".   Also... you have to take her comments of her ex with a grain a salt.  Just because she accused him of being not nice.... sometimes the real issue is with the person who is calming to be the victim.  ALso... at your age, people are going to be stuck in their ways.  So... there will always need to be a compromise. 

On the point of marriage... I read it over a few times, and I just wasn't putting it all together.  Does she not ever want to be married and you do? It almost sounded like you didn't care on that point. I guess I just want more clarification.  

I guess taking a huge step back.... if you have had a great relationship for a year, and have had one argument over a minor thing... why break up?   Every couple will eventually argue over something.  In my own relationship... I get along with my GF... but just the other day... I had my kids on a day that I wasn't supposed to... and I had to feed them.  Well... my GF was expecting me for dinner... but it was never said we were getting dinner.  So, when I contacted her at 6:30... she was upset that I ate already.  I took responsibility for not contacting her when the plans changed... but I told her that sometimes plans will change at the last moment with my kids, and she can't hold onto that. 

Anyway... break up if you want... but from your story... it would seem like this break up isn't merited. And that's probably why it's hard to do. 

[Acacia98]

5 hours ago, ctlguy said:

She state the reason for not continuing is its not fair to me that she cant give me more "now". 

It's possible that she's already feeling claustrophobic and wants out now because of how she's feeling now, not because of her inability to meet your needs in the future. Sometimes people are not entirely honest when explaining why they want out.

I once had a boyfriend who broke up with me, ostensibly because he would be moving away in the relatively distant future and it wouldn't be fair to me to build a relationship now, only to break it up then. Turned out that wasn't the real reason for his breaking up with me.

Edited November 9, 2021 by Acacia98

[glows]

23 hours ago, ctlguy said:

How do you let go when you both love one another? Better question is, how do you decide if its right? My GF and I are both in our mid 40’s and we just had our one-year anniversary. We both love one another very much and are best friends. When we met on our first date it was instant comfort, laughing, which last 4 hrs. After our 3rd date she flew across the county to even spend time with my family for thanksgiving. Her kids love me and both of our families adore everyone, so it all seems like all the pros should lineup for a long term future. We have never had a fight at all until the other night. Although it was petty, it did create a long open talk between us that led to questions, our desires, our fears. One being she got out of a really bad marriage a few years ago with a narcissist who has left her with the fear of ever being in a marriage again. While I do want to get to get married, a piece of paper is not going to stop me if that is the case, but it did come out that even the fact of even living with anyone makes her feel trapped and she does not want to go through the same thing as her ex. This is tough to process as I know that I can’t continue with this forever for a hope of that may change. Where I am trapped is know we are just alike, we totally get each other, literally laugh every day, and it all aligns but this one thing.  I could go on and on about all the pros of who we are together and how we feel. I did leave it as “I am not your ex and I can’t carry the burden on my shoulders to convince you that”. So now are at a cross road and just processing it but trying to build the strength to just rip the band aid off and move on.

It's not clear if she's divorced. Is she divorced from her husband? 

[Uruktopi]

My friend, in a more complicated way, I was once there. And for quite longer.

Sad thing to have a first hand experience about, love is not enough to make love work.

No advice from me though I wish I had one.

Just best, best, best of wishes.

 

[ctlguy]

12 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

I'm sorry you are at this point... but there are a few things to consider.  At your age... regardless of who you date... they will have baggage of an "EX".   Also... you have to take her comments of her ex with a grain a salt.  Just because she accused him of being not nice.... sometimes the real issue is with the person who is calming to be the victim.  ALso... at your age, people are going to be stuck in their ways.  So... there will always need to be a compromise. 

On the point of marriage... I read it over a few times, and I just wasn't putting it all together.  Does she not ever want to be married and you do? It almost sounded like you didn't care on that point. I guess I just want more clarification.  

I guess taking a huge step back.... if you have had a great relationship for a year, and have had one argument over a minor thing... why break up?   Every couple will eventually argue over something.  In my own relationship... I get along with my GF... but just the other day... I had my kids on a day that I wasn't supposed to... and I had to feed them.  Well... my GF was expecting me for dinner... but it was never said we were getting dinner.  So, when I contacted her at 6:30... she was upset that I ate already.  I took responsibility for not contacting her when the plans changed... but I told her that sometimes plans will change at the last moment with my kids, and she can't hold onto that. 

Anyway... break up if you want... but from your story... it would seem like this break up isn't merited. And that's probably why it's hard to do. 

No its def not a grain of salt. I know the guy and know the history. He is a textbook narcassistic personality disorder. She has come along way but yes she has legit PTSD from him. 

It all stems that I would love to end up married or I truly do not even care about a piece of paper at this point in my life. The thought of it to her is scary to her where she fears being trapped in a similiar situation. Although I am night and day from this guy, that fear still exist. 

[ShyViolet]

If you're in a RUSH to get married, if marriage is your absolute #1 priority in life, then this isn't the woman for you.  She isn't at that point right now.  But I think it would be foolish to throw away what sounds like a good relationship just because she isn't ready to think about marriage or living together.  Yes it's been a year, but one year really isn't that long.  If you are happy with her, why don't you stop putting so much pressure on this.  Back off and let her decide when she's ready for those serious steps.  

[Noproblem]

To answer your question.

You say to the person. I love you and respect you deeply and I enjoyed every little moment I spent with you. I wouldn't replace those movements with anything and I will cherish them forever. However, I don't think your goals in life align with my goals. I would love to spend the rest of my life with my significant other, With all its up and down, but loving you won't allow me to experience that as we are only allowed limited time together. I can't undo the sad things you have lived through in the past, but I can't pay for someone's else mistakes. My dream was that we grow old together, support each others and enjoy life together,  and that's sadly won't  happen. 

You know I will always be there for you if you ever need me, however, we as lovers are no more working. I wish you the best in life and forgive me if I ever caused you any pain!

 

......

 

that's if you deadest on marrying and living together, then you can use this a template.. tweak it however you want!

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, ctlguy said:

I did finally get her break up email. She stated she couldnt give me a what I want "now" and that we are in different places in our lives right now. 

Sorry this happened. However she's right. You are in different places. 

There's nothing wrong with what you want. There's also nothing wrong with how she feels.

In your mind you want to know if you are wasting your time and want to live together.

In her mind, she's got kids, got out of a bad situation and perceived this conversation as premature and pressuring.

While her reaction is related to her specific past, live and learn. Save the moving in talk for later when it's real, not as a rhetorical discussion or "test" to see how they react.

[Lauriebell82]

I know exactly how you feel. I am in a 4 year relationship and am in basically the same situation. We are both divorced (both had bad marriages/bad divorces) and just like you I would like to get remarried someday but have some flexibility if a permanent long term living situation is an option (and not some "lets test out the relationship"). However, not only is he unsure about marriage, but he is unsure about the serious nature in which I take living together (the permanence of that I guess?) so now he isn't even sure about that. So yeah, I am right there with you. I can't really reconcile in my head living apart PERMANENTLY to be honest with you. It's fine for right now, but at some point I'd like to be under the same roof. It sounds like you are of that mindset as well. 

I can't tell you what to do, but just like where I am at in my relationship it sounds like your goals don't really align for what you want. Its going to cause issues, trust me on that! So unless you can accept a permanent living apart together situation, then I would reconsider staying in the relationship. I know it's hard. You don't want to leave something that is otherwise so good..but when you want different things it just starts to take a toll on an otherwise healthy relationship. 

Oh and to add. I read through some of the other comments. I know a year is not a long time but my boyfriend and I started talking about marriage/living together at 1 year and here I am 3 years later. Nothing has changed. So yes she could change her mind..but my guess is she won't. 

Edited November 29, 2021 by Lauriebell82