I am struggling with my girlfriend

[GOLDIEJUST27]

We have been together for a number of years, trying, trying trying to make it work, but it has reached a point where I am now emotionally cut off when I am with her, because there is always some arguing occurring. I am tired of it, she is tired of me, we don't have much to talk about so watch tv most of the time, or we on our phones.

Then I hear complaints that we are not talking to each other blah blah blah, but I struggle to have conversations with her.

When I feel down and out....happens often and I feel like a big loser I contemplate the thought of breaking up with her, and it makes me physically sick, thinking of all the good times we were together and how wanted and secure she made me feel. I have never had that before and I am scared of losing it. Unfortunately I used to make her feel that way but not anymore.

I have tried to cut myself emotionally from thinking about it by doing other things, but I am struggling at the moment since I went to some friends house yesterday and saw some of them happy with their children and families. It makes me really sad that I am struggling to see a future with my girlfriend and have a family. She is older than me and reaching her 40's so it is a delicate time.

People I have talked about this too have said I need to break it off before I deny her the chance of having children. I am scared, feel worthless. 😢

This feeling is so painful can feel my arms aching and my hairs on my arms rising, great sadness is within me. I sometimes feel I need to run away, move somewhere alone and make a fresh start with new surroundings. I am lost, really am. There is so much decisions running through my mind, some selfish some rational and fair, but my thinking is all over the place, I am scared of the decisions I will have to make. I am insecure, which makes this even more difficult.

[GOLDIEJUST27]

I posted before on this forum and today, then I ask myself why do I do this! I am not here to listen or help with other peoples problems and I'd bet the majority are not here to either,  I am here to get answers for my problems.

I am so lazy that I come here to shout my problems, yet I ask myself why am I looking for help if I will struggle to help others.

I feel self defeated, selfish I mean really Who am I. Feel strange right now and attacking myself. I find myself being conflicted. I just don't really know who I am, I've lost my identity really feel like this sometimes! 

[mark clemson]

Consider setting up some therapy appointments. Possibly this "disruption" to your sense of identity is temporary and due to difficulties with your GF and the potential prospect of a breakup. Possibly it's something deeper, such as a chemical imbalance in your brain. One can't really tell from forum posts.

One definition of identity to think about: https://dictionary.apa.org/identity

Certainly one's romantic partner is typically a major part of one's social "role" WRT to home/family life.

[DKT3]

You really could have just wrote the last paragraph. 

I'm guessing you're not ready for kids? If not, its time to move on. Doing anything else would be selfish on your part. 

I just hope you are not stringing her along with the hope of things you're not ready for.

[GOLDIEJUST27]

I have been stringing her along, but not always. There was a time I was feeling we are heading in the right direction, before more arguing erupted.

I am hoping and longing for that feeling to come back, but it has been a struggle for a year and a half now, maybe I should just give up. Going to speak to a therapist soon.

[basil67]

Hoping and longing achieves nothing.  For a relationship to work, it needs active change from both parties.

How does your partner feel about the relationship?   Perhaps she may feel the problems and want to work on them with you.  Or she may be feeling like you do and won't be heartbroken if you leave.

[Wiseman2]

Do you live together? Whose place is it? Yours hers or do you co-own or co-lease?

 Treat your depression and anxiety. Get to a physician for an evaluation and get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

End it and move out.

Is this the same woman?:

 

[GOLDIEJUST27]

Yes. It is tough for me, because I've never had someone show love and support towards me as much as she has, but also pain and headache!

Whenever I say something which puts blame on her she bombards me with tons of messages.

What is so difficult right now is starting to go out and look for women if this ends. I want a home, wife kids, I see my friend who had trouble with women before he met with his current partner and lucky for him it worked. They have been together for 10 years+ I feel depressed seeing that. Happy for him, but also some envy there as he has managed to stay with the same woman. Not really sure why, but I'd say for most part he had trouble with some women he was dating prior and that helped him navigate his way to where he is today

Edited November 9, 2021 by GOLDIEJUST27

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, GOLDIEJUST27 said:

Whenever I say something which puts blame on her she bombards me with tons of messages

Why are you "blaming her" instead of talking about what's wrong and/or ending it. You're not your friend and using this situation as a security blanket isn't doing yourself any favors.

[GOLDIEJUST27]

of course we going to lay blame on each other, but there is one person who is mostly to blame here. I have shown nothing but commitment where I've been there when I said I was going to be, fighting hard to make it work!

 

We live apart, but if we were living together more problem would suffice, ok for her as any guy will go with her, but not for me, I not very lucky with women, or at l struggle and find maybe only two I am interested in a year, I've wasted years and energy and now I am feeling depressed and will struggle.

I don't have much to say in general, I am not really a conversationalist, but I get blamed that we don't talk. I am tired in my head a lot of the time, that is just me, and I just want to sit in silence and watch tv. She says I don't make her feel like she has someone. I can understand some of the feelings she has felt in regards to that. I might have been ignoring how she might have felt, but for the most part is because she tires me out! I going to get some rest, talking about it fatigues me! Damn!

 

Edited November 9, 2021 by GOLDIEJUST27

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, GOLDIEJUST27 said:

We live apart

Ok, that makes things easier. Just step back, see a physician about your physical and mental health and get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

 This way when you take a break or break up to "work on yourself" it will be an honest reason.

[glows]

Are you depressed or being treated for depression? I don't follow your train of thought. This is unhappy for you so as painful as it is look at the logistics of the situation and part ways so that you may find greater peace or happiness for yourself. 

[GOLDIEJUST27]

I am quite a naive person, things pass me by and I end up learning when it is all nearly too late.

I can't take rejection as it makes me feel I will always be alone. Makes me feel lonely and strange.

At the same time I do feel I love my girlfriend, I fear I am letting something cloud my judgement, at least for the moment I feel really low.

[glows]

10 minutes ago, GOLDIEJUST27 said:

I am quite a naive person, things pass me by and I end up learning when it is all nearly too late.

I can't take rejection as it makes me feel I will always be alone. Makes me feel lonely and strange.

At the same time I do feel I love my girlfriend, I fear I am letting something cloud my judgement, at least for the moment I feel really low.

You only owe yourself and your girlfriend honesty and transparency. She will make a decision, I reckon, on what's best for her if you cannot do what's best for you.

[GOLDIEJUST27]

I got a friend who is quite envious that I am with a girl like her, she is attractive, but she isn't all that amazing in terms of looks in my view.

Now that he has got wind of our break up he trying to lower my self esteem so I don't go after another hot one, but I have an eye for them, probably why I only find 2 I like that like me back in a space of a year.

There are things about her that rattle me.

I've actually found some recording of our arguments/conversations of the past to remind me this is not a healthy relationship, either we both change our ways which gets on each others nerves or what is the point.

This time I've learnt to record stuff, at least to remind myself of this!

Edited November 9, 2021 by GOLDIEJUST27

[basil67]

Does she know you've been recording arguments? 😮

[ShyViolet]

Going through the pain of a breakup is part of life and something we all go through.  Not wanting to experience the pain of a breakup, or thinking back about the good times, is not a reason to keep an incredibly bad relationship lingering on.  You know that this needs to end.  You're not doing her or yourself any favors by letting this drag out.  My goodness, you don't even live together so there's nothing really tying you to her.

Honestly one of my biggest regrets in life is staying in a few bad relationships way longer than I should have, and not ending them sooner.  I wasted a lot of time being unhappy with people who were wrong for me, simply because I was too cowardly to break up with the person.  I just didn't know how to do it.  I think there was also a low self-esteem component; I didn't think I deserved better.  Going through a breakup is unpleasant and scary but part of being an emotionally intelligent adult means not avoiding these things.  

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, GOLDIEJUST27 said:

.This time I've learnt to record stuff, at least to remind myself of this!

 I would never bother being with anyone who was recording private conversations. 

Let's put it this way. If you need a court reporter's log just to date someone, you've got some work to do on yourself and need a break from dating.

Edited November 10, 2021 by Wiseman2

[ResentCourtship2099]

I assume both of you are in your 20s

[JRabbit]

Didn't you cheat on her? Let the poor woman go and find someone who WANTS her.

[JRabbit]

19 hours ago, GOLDIEJUST27 said:

she is attractive, but she isn't all that amazing in terms of looks in my view.

Please, break up with her. For her sake. 

[GOLDIEJUST27]

The reason why my view of her has somewhat diminished is because she has been at times quite violent towards me. Alarm bells started ringing six months into the relationship after we had returned from a long trip together. I wanted to go home and she kept asking why I didn't want to spend more time with her, and my answer was simply because I want to go, and she lashed out at me. I had my doubts about her after six months into the relationship, because the intimacy was not what I had expected it to be and I didn't know how to process that.

I ended the relationship not long after and we agreed to just be friends, I was still seeing her often and going to her place, one day we were going to go bike riding, and I stopped and took a moment and really took a look at her! Like something really touched base deep down within me, and this great sense of sadness came over me that I had decided for us to be friends and she was ok with that after all we had experienced. I really felt sad about that, sad that I couldn't give it a go. As a result of that I made a decision for us to start again only not calling it a relationship, but FWB- this went on for around a year, but this was not just your usual be in an open relationship kind of FWB scenario, this was us still being exclusive to each other, but if anything had changed in our sexual life and she or I meets someone else then we call it quits and we go back to being friends. We were going out clubbing together and she was seeing me flirt with other girls, but I was always then going back home with her. If I had found someone I was interested in, I would turn that girl down, because my gf would be in my head and I would feel guilty even though I had convinced myself we were only FWB (clearly I was lying to myself), so at times I did miss out on opportunities. After that year my gf had met someone she was quite interested in and when I heard about this, I felt like my whole world was sinking down a ground hole, my whole body felt heavy and when I walked, I walked with great sadness, it was a very painful and powerful feeling at the same time, my heart was pounding hard as if it wanted to burst/break whichever you want to call it.

Survival mode kicked into gear and I confessed my love for her saying that "I want us to be in a relationship again and that I love her and always have", but just didn't want to admit it to myself (because of her violent episodes on occasions)

You see I've always blamed that and still do for why I feel the way I do. I lost faith a long time ago that things will change, because even after we got back together and I went for therapy, the issues were still there, until I got her to realize she too needs therapy.

We are now coming up to being together for 4 years. There is a great deal of attachment on both sides, but still these violent episodes happen from time to time and it is really bringing me down, losing faith that we will ever be a happy couple we deserve to be, because of these constant toxic actions that occur. We have been to counselling and while all seems good initially we find ourselves back to square one, we fail miserably.

I admit some of my actions have been frustrating for her, but coming from a domestic violence background (my father hitting my mother) I hate violence in all forms. There is no excuse for it and it doesn't achieve anything!

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, GOLDIEJUST27 said:

We are now coming up to being together for 4 years. There is a great deal of attachment on both sides, but still these violent episodes happen from time to time.

I admit some of my actions have been frustrating for her, but coming from a domestic violence background (my father hitting my mother) I hate violence in all forms. 

You have the power to beak the cycle of violence by ending the relationship.

[GOLDIEJUST27]

Why is it then that even though I have found a girl (we recently met up) and the chemistry between us was off the roof.

Yet I can't bring myself to part with my gf, I don't know we been through so much together, but also spent some great time together,

I've always put my current GF first before any other woman, the thought of parting ways with her makes me physically sick I get nausea thinking about it.

My big fear is that one day things will actually get too much where I will have no choice but to part ways with her, but by that time I'll be alone and won't have an opportunity to meet someone as sweet and lovely as the girl I recently met up with.

I have low self esteem and struggle for the most part to meet anyone kind and caring, this girl I recently met up with is someone from my past, but the opportunity is there for something special to happen between us, but because of my attached and broken mind I make stupid decisions which ultimately leave me with huge regrets in the course of my life - at least so far, but the pattern never changes, I fear I'll just live with regrets all my life and won't be truly happy. 😔

Edited November 12, 2021 by GOLDIEJUST27

[Wiseman2]

55 minutes ago, GOLDIEJUST27 said:

Why is it then that even though I have found a girl (we recently met up) and the chemistry between us was off the roof. won't have an opportunity to meet someone as sweet and lovely as the girl I recently met up with.

Do you live together? Are you with the old GF or the new GF? It's confusing.