Extremely strange situation, need insight

[confused_13]

Ok I’m terrified to voice my thoughts on any of this but I feel I have to as I can’t distinguish what I feel. 

so backstory first: me and and my boyfriend have been together for 7 years now, we’ve been looking at buying a house (all money I have saved) I’ve been in an uncertain place as he drinks and smokes weed a lot which often makes me feel not good enough and it means he has saved next to no money of his own. We also have very different work schedules so I only really see him properly one day a week even though we live together and some days after work if I’m lucky. I moved away from my hometown over 5 years ago to live with him so I feel very alone.

so this is what happened… we had this house party about a month ago with just our 4 close friends who we see all the time, not anything to normally worry about. I got quite drunk and went to bed as I knew I’d had enough. Several hours later (about 5am) I woke up to hear my boyfriend and his friend talking downstairs. we had all had coke as well (I don’t know if I’m allowed to say that on here? It’s not a regular thing) anyway clearly not quite in right minds, I heard my boyfriend chatting with our friend downstairs about having a threesome with us (while I was passed out so in no state to discuss!!) and I heard him show this guy photos of me in my underwear and get him extremely turned on for me, he was trying to be like woah that’s your girlfriend and my boyfriend was like no it’s fine and kept showing him and encouraged him to come upstairs. I sat up at this point and the friend was very tentative to come in and I knew neither of us actually wanted a threesome, he’s just our friend and I knew he needed a place to stay I was like no it’s fine if you just need a place to crash (he didn’t know id heard the conversation) so it was all innocent at first he just wanted to crash. My boyfriend passed out at this point and me and this guy were left awake extremely turned on for each other (he is not bi and had only wanted me). He was cuddling me and stroked my arm a bit and then it got a bit hot and heavy, some inappropriate grinding but at no point any touching or kissing. But enough that I felt guilty as hell the next day. It was extremely intense, extremely. He stroked my arm and kept whispering that he liked me. I kept trying to involve my boyfriend so he would wake up and it would be what he wanted but he didn’t wake up so I stopped it in the end and went to sleep. The next day we woke up a bit here and there and I could feel this guy watch me sleep. I felt horrific the next day and ran away to my friends and had a breakdown as I felt like I had cheated on him. She said it was a strange situation as my boyfriend had literally riled us up for each other and then put us in the same bed. It helped me to try and forget it and move on. 
 

A month later, we went to a gig the other day, I’ve been ill lately so wasn’t allowed to go in the pits so my boyfriend left without me and I found myself left alone with this guy and we kind of joked oh no I’m stuck with you (weve always kind of had flirty joking with each other but harmless more like banter) we tried to make our way through the crowd and he took my hand to lead me through. And we didn’t let go of each other’s hands all night. My friend joined us at one point and she said he was literally watching me all night and couldn’t be any closer to me as she asked me if I was ok as he was clearly extremely into me. That night I went home with my boyfriend and friends and we had some pills (so again not in my right mind when I did this) but me and this guy messaged a lot inappropriately although a large majority of it was me telling him to stop as I love my boyfriend but I did join in and am equally guilty. the next day he sent me a message saying we shouldn’t take it any further as he cares a lot about me and my boyfriend and doesn’t want to lose us as friends. I wasn’t planning to ever go any further with it (I don’t think?!???) I am extremely attracted to this guy which really doesn’t help but I am faithful to my boyfriend and don’t want to hurt him. I honestly don’t know what I think or feel I can’t stop thinking about this guy which isn’t good. But I also love my boyfriend  immensely. 

Am I about to destroy a relationship over someone who probably doesn’t even care about me? Is he just interested in sex and nothing else because my boyfriend riled him up for me? Does he actually like me, does that even matter?? Am I doing this because I’m unhappy? Please help me. And yes I know I’m a horrific person I haven’t been able to sleep or eat or think for days since it happened and I feel extremely on the edge. I did not see any of this ever happening I thought we were happy. I am terrified of my own thoughts and feelings I just really want some insight on this (and please not just leave him) as I genuinely thought we would be together forever.  I also don’t know what the hell is wrong with me sorry I’m sorry for being an awful person, I have been struggling a lot lately with my life although I know that is not an excuse. 

[confused_13]

I should also add I did speak to my boyfriend about this night as I felt EXTREMELY guilty and I explained the whole situation to him and I was terrified I’d cheated on him but he didn’t see it that way at all and he does know and he was more apologetic that he had put me in that situation. But he does not know about the other night 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I'm not sure that to merely address concerns here about your third wheel  and about your boyfriend would begin to approach the crux of the matter.

 

It may even be relatively unimportant that your boyfriend has and will continue to be taking advantage of you (at least financially).

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Do not buy a house and let him live in it. One. He's not contributing financially. Two. The amount of drugs you two do is sure to get one or both of you into legal trouble, whether DUI or nieghors complaining etc.

You need to break up if you want a decent future, because you'll have to address the drug and alcohol use. If you clean up, and he doesn't it's going to be a long miserable road.

Never live with people who do illegal drugs or drink to excess. And never buy a house with someone broke and financially irresponsible.

[usa1ah]

I think it’s time to move back home. This is a really messed up situation. 
 

Do not buy a home with your BF. If he is spending all of his money to party and drugs, then he isn’t ready for any type of responsibility. 

 

As to the threesome, WTF was he doing? He was setting you up to get raped if you were not ok with it. Not a safe partner to be with if this is what he is doing.

 

If you break up with your BF I wouldn’t suggest seeing this other guy.

 

Break up and move back home if you can.

 

Edited November 9, 2021 by usa1ah

[confused_13]

Thank you very much for your replies as I really feel quite desperate for advice. I’m in pieces as I think I’ve kind of known this for a while. How can we have a future together when he is like this  and I know I make it sound like we’re drug addict degenerates but I do actually work really hard and have a normal life this is the first time we’ve done anything like this for a while. Unfortunately my boyfriend does smoke weed every day though and it’s something I’ve forced myself to be ok with but I’m not. I love him so much I cannot imagine being without him. But I don’t know what else to do   I can move back home and give up my job and rent somewhere there by myself, but I am absolutely and utterly terrified of that being the path I have to take. I think I will regret it forever.

Also he was horrified about that night he was so upset that he had put me in that position that is not something he would ever do in a sane mind. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, confused_13 said:

 he was so upset that he had put me in that position that is not something he would ever do in a sane mind. 

It's his willful choice. Don't allow the "we were drunk, high" excuse.

You need to reflect and reconsider your life and goals. Why drag someone like this around with you and let it pull you down this much?

[glows]

Are you planning on children in the future? I ask due to you currently living together and your work schedules and only seeing each other one day a week. Adding on more to a relationship like buying a home together or starting a family around drugs isn't likely to get either of you very far and it would be sad and unfortunate for you both as parents and any children involved. Leaving an unhealthy and broken relationship where you own assets together, immersed in cheating and drugs with children involved is much harder. 

What is the work like where you are? Can you support yourself? Why not purchase a home on your own and find some stability that way. If conditions are not good and you dislike your work here, this may be a good time to think about your career also or applying to positions elsewhere. 

I would not fall for the antics of bed guy. He falls so far down the priority list I wouldn't hear him talking. Keep your distance and rethink your relationship. You owe yourself peace of mind, harmony and fulfillment in your life. If this relationship isn't adding to that, it's taking away. Yes, in a nutshell, I think you are unhappy - very much so.

[smackie9]

Set everything aside emotionally....and see it from the outside. Drug/alcohol use, financial instability, putting you into a situation that has now escalated into something else, and a creepy friend. Does that say potential future to you? No frickin way. Losing love doesn't cost you anything but temporary grief.  Financially ruining yourself can have ever lasting negative results.

You want to stay with your BF, you will have to make changes. You have to tell your BF there will be no purchase of anything unless he can contribute equally. He has to kool it with the weed, get off his butt and earn a decent wage, work overtime, whatever. He needs to be motivated. Second, get rid of the friend. Come clean with your BF that this friend is trying to pull you away from your relationship. If you can't do this, get out now before you ruin your life.

[confused_13]

I’ve thought a lot about it all day and have come to the conclusion that maybe we need to take a break. Unfortunately my life here revolves entirely around him; I live in a house with him and his brother, all our friends here are his friends and his family. All my friends and family are back home. I moved here 5 years ago to be with him but I feel like it’s not my own life. Nothing has changed. I’m terrified of leaving but I am starting to see that might be the only option here. I have lots of savings that were meant to be for our house so I guess I could just leave and rent somewhere back home. I don’t really have a home to go to. My job here is an issue, I am the manager and the boss relies on me a lot so if I just leave I will be letting everyone down. I am supposed to give 2 months notice to leave but if me and my boyfriend break up I have nowhere to live and no support system here. I just feel like everything is crashing down and I might destroy my entire life. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, confused_13 said:

I have lots of savings that were meant to be for our house so I guess I could just leave and rent somewhere back home. I don’t really have a home to go to. My job here is an issue, I am the manager and the boss relies on me a lot so if I just leave I will be letting everyone down. I am supposed to give 2 months notice to leave but if me and my boyfriend break up I have nowhere to live and no support system here.

This is all workable in the long run. But staying in someone's house living their life and being in a downward spiral of drugs and debauchery is a bigger problem than the logistics of relocating or your job or renting a place with decent roommates or moving to your hometown.. 

[confused_13]

I didn’t want to come home tonight after work because I knew seeing him would persuade me to stay. My heart really hurts and I can’t hide how I’m feeling. He knows something is wrong the last few day. And he’s been trying all day, he’s tidied up the house and is running around after me and trying to cheer me up but I just feel like maybe it’s too late. Or maybe he can improve? I just don’t know. I feel so emotionally drained I can’t breathe. 

Edited November 9, 2021 by confused_13

[confused_13]

And yes, I am planning to have children it’s something I’ve always wanted most in life and this is another thing I am afraid of. Me and my boyfriend have had this discussion many times as I have said I don’t want to raise a child around any drugs whatsoever and he has said he will never be able to give up completely and that is a problem to me. I have said I will not raise children around drugs and he has said he can’t be without them entirely. (This is just referring to weed nothing stronger) but I do not want children anywhere near that. I guess that is my answer but I love him so much and I have loved him for the 7 years we’ve been together, he is everything to me.

Edited November 9, 2021 by confused_13

[confused_13]

3 minutes ago, confused_13 said:

And yes, I am planning to have children it’s something I’ve always wanted most in life and this is another thing I am afraid of. Me and my boyfriend have had this discussion many times as I have said I don’t want to raise a child around any drugs whatsoever and he has said he will probably never be able to give up completely and that is a problem to me. I have said I will not raise children around drugs and he has said he can’t be without them entirely. (This is just referring to weed nothing stronger) but I do not want children anywhere near that. I guess that is my answer but I love him so much and I have loved him for the 7 years we’ve been together, he is everything to me.

he has cut back on them a lot for me but not enough 

[usa1ah]

Why is it taking you being in the verge of leaving for him to start changing for the better. 
 

Read The 180. You need some space from your boyfriend emotionally. 
 

Talk with him. Ask for his phone and delete all of your sexy pics off his phone. Make sure you clear the deleted folder and cloud backup. Let him know what your doing. He lost the right to have those pics. 
 

Tell him that you’re thinking of leaving. That your tired of him smoking weed everyday and never saving up money. 
 

Tell him if the two of you are going to buy a house that he needs to put down half of the down payment. Let him know that his actions have you questioning your future with him. That it will take him growing up and showing that he can be a safe partner in life. His words are meaningless, his actions are the only thing you can trust. 
 

If you have a good paying job and can afford to rent on your own for a little while, do so. That will give you time to serve a notice if need be and have another job lined up back home. It will also give you and your boyfriend space to sort things out. 

Edited November 9, 2021 by usa1ah

[usa1ah]

If he needs help with the drugs, tell him to go to rehab. The drug use needs to stop. 

[confused_13]

I’ve thought about this obsessively now since last Thursday. I do not know what to do  my boyfriend is always very paranoid that I am going to leave him because he’s not good enough for me. He is aware he has problems which does make me angry because if he’s so scared of this why doesn’t he do something about it. But also I fear he has all the drink and drugs because he’s a very low person and I’m scared me leaving will push him over the edge and just further harm his ability to sort things out. I’m also scared he will think this means I don’t love him (because he will) and then we will have this issue that I left him that we can never repair. I need to be alone but I’m terrified of the implications this has on everything. It also means leaving my job out of the blue and ruining our or even my chances of buying a house as you need to have a decent salary for a certain length of time. I feel we would ge starting back from square one after I’ve worked so hard to get where I am. I am honestly lost and feel hopeless. I don’t know what to think or feel or do, all I can do at the moment is work and sleep as I can’t concentrate on anything. I also don’t know if I have feelings for this friend which scares me to no end as I shouldn’t have these as I also love my boyfriend. Please help me 

[usa1ah]

Like you said, if he is so worried about losing you, why hasn’t he changed to better himself?

You can’t fix someone that isn’t willing to fix themselves. They will only drag you down with them. 

[JRabbit]

3 hours ago, confused_13 said:

I do not know what to do  my boyfriend is always very paranoid that I am going to leave him because he’s not good enough for me.

He's right though.  Don't stay with someone because you feel sorry for them, been there, doesn't do anyone any good.  Also, drug use causes paranoia.

He showed naked photos of you to his friend. He has NO respect for you. He served you up on a platter to his friend, you were passed out for all he knew. Were they going to rape you while you were passed out? 

Im more concerned you don't find that part of the story worrying and are more worried about the other friend.

These are massive red flags. This guy doesn't care about you or have an ounce of respect for you.

Edited November 10, 2021 by JRabbit

[JRabbit]

19 hours ago, confused_13 said:

he is everything to me.

I suggest investing in your self from now on. Take care of yourself, get yourself well educated, a job, and most of all hobbies to keep you busy and keep you aware of what options are out there in life. Options much better than this.

[confused_13]

36 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

I suggest investing in your self from now on. Take care of yourself, get yourself well educated, a job, and most of all hobbies to keep you busy and keep you aware of what options are out there in life. Options much better than this.

Ok I didn’t word that very well when I say everything I mean my whole heart. I have a really good well paying job, I work hard and have all A* qualifications and a degree, and to be fair I only see him 2-3 days a week so I have a lot of time to myself and lots of hobbies and I do make an effort to go see my friends they just live far away. It’s hard because I feel like whatever I do I’m going to hurt him and potentially permanently damage our relationship:( 

Edited November 10, 2021 by confused_13

[Crazelnut]

Why do you need to quit your job? Keep your job, move into your own place, and make new (better) friends. 

[confused_13]

25 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

Why do you need to quit your job? Keep your job, move into your own place, and make new (better) friends. 

Because I moved to this town to be with him and my whole life here revolves around him. I think I just need to go home. To where my friends are and I’m miserable in my job anyway. I’m miserable with my whole life I’ve been struggling with a deep depression for the last couple of months now. Which is why I don’t know what I feel about what. I’m now also crushed by a devastating guilt that I have said what I have said to this friend. To be quite honest I don’t know how to help myself I haven’t been able to think or eat or be normal. My boyfriend knows something is very wrong and he has been very attentive and loving trying to cheer me up but I just feel hollow. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, confused_13 said:

 think I just need to go home. To where my friends are and I’m miserable in my job anyway. I’m miserable with my whole life I’ve been struggling with a deep depression for the last couple of months now.

Yes go home to supportive friends and family. You can always  get another job. Address your depression at home with a physician. Get a new outlook away from this unhappy mess.

You'll never get better with the drugs and debauchery he and his brother/friends etc. are into. Do Not Feel Guilty.

Your mental and physical health and life are more important. He'll do fine. Either he gets into detox/rehab and gets his act together with a job etc. or not, but right now you're subsidizing his self destruction.

[spiderowl]

I am not surprised you feel confused, Confused_13.  I don't think having the drink and drugs is helping you in this as it is causing you and others to be less inhibited than usual.

It really sounds like you are unhappy with your boyfriend.  He is not earning money to save with you - you are making all the effort there.  He is smoking and drinking and leaving you feeling lonely.  I think it would be a mistake to buy a house with your boyfriend because he is not the stand-up guy you need for the future.  Imagine yourself married maybe, expecting your first child, expecting him to be responsible and caring, and he is smoking with his friends and not worried about how you are all going to survive financially.  Meanwhile, you will be in a vulnerable state, less able to earn money whilst pregnant, and anxious and worried about how you will support a child.

On top of all this, your boyfriends is playing stupid games and trying to get you and your/his friend involved in some kind of fantasy experiment.  He has not consulted you about this or is doing it with your consent.  Do you think that is acceptable?  It sounds like you were trying to please him, despite not having had any say in this.

The guy friend has also been drawn into this and clearly likes you, but he is not abiding by your boundaries either.  Maybe he thinks you have given permission, not just your boyfriend?  He should talk with you about what kind of relationship you want, not just go along with it.  I think you might have to fend him off and make it clear you are not interested.  Having said that, it sounds like you are half interested, mainly because he is coming on strong and your boyfriend is pretty much neglecting you.  If you prefer this other guy - and he is a decent guy (?) - then of course you could consider him instead of your boyfriend.  I think it would be better to distance yourself from both of them and try to sort out what you really feel about all this.  It sounds an awful, confusing mess, which should never have happened.  You don't have to go along with anything with either of them.  

Your boyfriend needs to sort out his drug-addled brain and learn some respect.  I doubt if that will happen because he really does not seem to care about your feelings.  If you put up with more of this kind of behaviour from him or his friend, you are only going to feel confused and misused.

Please think twice about this boyfriend of yours.  You know he's causing you stress now.  Multiply that stress by 100 times to see what life would be like down the line with him when you have responsibilities.   You are worth so much better.

Edited November 10, 2021 by spiderowl