Extremely strange situation, need insight

[spiderowl]

On 11/9/2021 at 7:13 PM, confused_13 said:

I’ve thought a lot about it all day and have come to the conclusion that maybe we need to take a break. Unfortunately my life here revolves entirely around him; I live in a house with him and his brother, all our friends here are his friends and his family. All my friends and family are back home. I moved here 5 years ago to be with him but I feel like it’s not my own life. Nothing has changed. I’m terrified of leaving but I am starting to see that might be the only option here. I have lots of savings that were meant to be for our house so I guess I could just leave and rent somewhere back home. I don’t really have a home to go to. My job here is an issue, I am the manager and the boss relies on me a lot so if I just leave I will be letting everyone down. I am supposed to give 2 months notice to leave but if me and my boyfriend break up I have nowhere to live and no support system here. I just feel like everything is crashing down and I might destroy my entire life. 

It could be a hard patch for you, getting out of this relationship, but it seems you have been propping the relationship up on stilts for some time.  You have been the responsible one who has let your boyfriend live pretty much how he wants.  Now, he cannot even respect you enough to keep you safe, but is riling up his mate to do heaven knows what.  It is not good enough to say he was drunk/drugged; it is a definite sign he needs to stop if he can't control his behaviour.

But fundamentally, you are seeing what your boyfriend is really like deep down: irresponsible, selfish and willing to hand over his girlfriend to another when under the influence.

The reason you feel as if the house of cards if falling down around is because it is.  But, you are the strong one here, the achiever who is capable of pulling herself out of something harmful, of creating a different life which is less chaotic.  It won't be easy, but I am sure there must be at least some friends in common that do not necessarily approve of your boyfriend and his lifestyle.  Focus on getting yourself your own place (maybe buying if you can afford to rather than wasting money on rent) but getting somewhere where you are safe and not vulnerable to these guys.  The way people often end up in abusive relationships is because they accept excuses - they accept that 'he was drunk', they accept the heartfelt apologies, etc., and then the abusive person does it again, or something equally unpleasant.  He is saying he is sorry but he should be: he was offering up his girlfriend to a potentially dubious friend.  He ought to be more than sorry; he should never get the chance to do this again.

Edited November 10, 2021 by spiderowl

[confused_13]

First of all, I just want to thank everyone so much for staying with me on this and giving me your replies, I don’t think you all know how much they are helping. To say I am struggling is an understatement and I guess all of your words are helping at least try and think straight. 
 

So I had a serious conversation with my boyfriend last night, we talked these things through. At first he was aggravating me because I said how depressed I am and he snapped back a bit that he is too as though I wasn’t considering his feelings which makes me feel selfish. But then he really listened and gave all the right answers. He also works hard but he works thurs-sun 11 hour and late night shifts (often finishing at 1am) where as I work tues-sat until 5:30 so you can see how our schedules are impossible. He is also miserable in his job I think we both need a whole new start with each other to be honest. New jobs, new house. I didn’t mention the idea of the break or me leaving yet but I did discuss about potentially moving back to my home town (he assumed with him) and he was very supportive of this, he said he wants to do anything for me and he thinks he can sort himself out if he can get a job he likes better and can get out of this house where his brother is a bad influence. He said he wants to change but it’s very difficult “how can I expect him to change when he lives with his brother who is always encouraging the drinking and smoking” where along the lines of what he said. But he wants to change. He feels he can only change if we move out. But you can see my fear as I have had no evidence yet that he is capable of this, although I do believe he is. I said to him I need something now to show me he can do it before we make this kind of commitment together. But he is really keen to come with me and sort himself out and get a new job where we can be on similar routines.

 

I guess my question is do I go with him or do I go alone? I do have a lot of faith in him and I do love him a lot and he is a very caring loving boyfriend despite how this post depicts him. I guess I’m just lost and confused.

 

but it also doesn’t help that I know he will view a break as a breakup, that I want to leave him forever. His brothers girlfriend recently did the same thing to him for similar reasons as me and they both said that was game over. (Their situation is different as they were awful together, but still.) 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, confused_13 said:

 I did discuss about potentially moving back to my home town (he assumed with him) and he was very supportive of this. 

Excellent. You both need a change especially away from the brother and that environment.

[confused_13]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. You both need a change especially away from the brother and that environment.

Maybe we should do this then? Maybe we should go together and build a new life we’re definitely both ready. I don’t know why this didn’t feel quite like what I needed. I guess because I still feel guilty and confused about this friend and I’m scared to hurt my boyfriend. I think it’s just a stupid crush but that doesn’t give me the right to talk to him in the way I did and I feel awful about it I feel like I need to be alone and punished for it  why was this guy even able to hold my hand all night without my boyfriend noticing and then when it was pointed out to him why has this not been discussed since? I think he is afraid of this situation he has created and he hasn’t faced it? Whatever the situation I guess I’m afraid to move on with my boyfriend without confronting my or his feelings or what any of this is about. 

[spiderowl]

Sounds like you need to have more od a discussion with your boyfriend about what was going on there. Please don’t feel guilty. You were thrust into this situation and were confused. You can backtrack. I hope your boyfriend acknowledges he went too far trying to push you into the bed of his friend.

Do you like this other guy? If so, then you have more to consider, like whether you want to be with your boyfriend or the other guy (or no-one).

It sounds a good idea for you to be nearer your family. Whether moving back with you will sort out your boyfriend or not is another matter, but at least you will be nearer support.

Honestly, I don’t buy his excuse that being with his brother and being unhappy in his job is making him do irresponsible things. You need a guy who holds himself to higher standards and who apologises rather than making excuses. He should be telling you how he plans to make things right for you, not giving you excuses.

 

[JRabbit]

On 11/10/2021 at 12:02 PM, confused_13 said:

It’s hard because I feel like whatever I do I’m going to hurt him and potentially permanently damage our relationship:( 

He's hurting you and doesn't care. This relationship isn't worth worrying about.

You should definitely not move out together. That's just another way to trap and isolate you.  

He needs to show he is serious about changing. Job, home, no drugs...etc. Personally I don't think weed is a big deal, but the other drugs surely are.

When he can show he has made effort, then consider moving forward with your relationship. IMO though, you are better off being single for now.

Edited November 11, 2021 by JRabbit

[LynneVicious]

Unfortunately no one can fix this for you. You have to fix this yourself. You can’t fix him or expect him to change so forget about that. In my opinion, you’re subscribing to the sunk cost fallacy, where just because you’ve been with him for 7 years, you need to stay. 

The truth is you know you need to move on. You just need to take that first step, which is the hardest. There is no future here for you. 

[smackie9]

He struggles because of his brother’s use? How can you trust him to be reliable? If he has issues with it now, when a stressful situation comes up in future, are you willing to take that chance with a mortgage and children? 

[Crazelnut]

So here is my take on this. He is NOT taking responsibility for his own drug use and mental health. if HE wanted to change, HE would change  All he's doing is responding to your complaints and observations. He is not self-motivated at all. If you move together, you will still have to be the responsible one.

Also, his brother's "bad influence" doesn't explain the whole creepy friend threesome situation. That was ALL him. Not the brother, not the drugs. That came from his own brain. Think hard about that. 

[confused_13]

On 11/12/2021 at 1:29 PM, Crazelnut said:

So here is my take on this. He is NOT taking responsibility for his own drug use and mental health. if HE wanted to change, HE would change  All he's doing is responding to your complaints and observations. He is not self-motivated at all. If you move together, you will still have to be the responsible one.

Also, his brother's "bad influence" doesn't explain the whole creepy friend threesome situation. That was ALL him. Not the brother, not the drugs. That came from his own brain. Think hard about that. 

All the points you make are very true and good points  I think I’m just going to keep going in circles because unfortunately I love him and want a future with him and it’s just not happening. 
 

Also I feel I should say about the situation as quite a few people seem to think my boyfriend was setting me up to get raped, it wasn’t like that at all. Ok I was passed out while he came up with this idea but he would have never let anything happen while I was passed out, his intent was to involve me thinking I would be up for it, and I completely understand the effect of this drug as we have discussed this idea (not involving this friend) but in general before while doing it so I guess that’s why he thought it was ok. It wasn’t quite as bad as it sounds although I am annoyed he involved this friend without consulting me. I have said sober that I wouldn’t actually want to do this as I’d be too jealous for a threesome but I get where he was coming from I guess 

[IrinaM]

Please get away from this "man." I get the feeling that your parents haven't been a source of guidance to you, for whatever reason. Trust me, if you dump this loser (and that is what he is, a complete loser who lacks self-respect and respect for those around him) you will NEVER regret it. But if you keep trying to make this work, five years from now you will look back and think, I wish I would've left then.

While you are fantasizing and dreaming about how amazing this relationship COULD be, if he would just live up to some (imaginary) potential, you are ignoring what the relationship IS.

Stop having relationship conversations with him. I'm sure he will promise anything and scramble madly to get you to stay, because he knows that you are the highest-quality mate he will ever get. After you're gone, who will he date? He has nothing to offer a young woman who is doing things with her life. He knows this, so he's desperate to hold on to you. Not enough to make changes, but enough to whine and wheedle and manipulate, which he's good at.

I'm sure you love him and wish you could fix him. But you can't, and that's okay. Add value to your own life, not his.

[SerPundnes]

Have you seen fail videos of skateboarders doing "hill bombing"?
When their skateboards starts to wiggle there's no way back, they will fall.
This relationship sounds like exactly that.

The whole situation is wiggling.

Move back home to your REAL friends and family, alone.

Edited November 14, 2021 by SerPundnes

[confused_13]

16 hours ago, IrinaM said:

Please get away from this "man." I get the feeling that your parents haven't been a source of guidance to you, for whatever reason. Trust me, if you dump this loser (and that is what he is, a complete loser who lacks self-respect and respect for those around him) you will NEVER regret it. But if you keep trying to make this work, five years from now you will look back and think, I wish I would've left then.

While you are fantasizing and dreaming about how amazing this relationship COULD be, if he would just live up to some (imaginary) potential, you are ignoring what the relationship IS.

Stop having relationship conversations with him. I'm sure he will promise anything and scramble madly to get you to stay, because he knows that you are the highest-quality mate he will ever get. After you're gone, who will he date? He has nothing to offer a young woman who is doing things with her life. He knows this, so he's desperate to hold on to you. Not enough to make changes, but enough to whine and wheedle and manipulate, which he's good at.

I'm sure you love him and wish you could fix him. But you can't, and that's okay. Add value to your own life, not his.

I keep battling about these same thoughts day in and day out. Is it as bad as it seems? Ok yes he does smoke a lot but for some reason he still functions perfectly normally on tens of shotties a night (I guess he’s grown a tolerance) it’s not like he’s annoying and high, he is still very much present and we talk about our days and laugh together and spend quality time together (except the days that he is too drunk) he is there for me and attentive and we do do plenty of things together. He is always running around after me when I’m lazy and strokes my hair a lot, listens to all my moans, and is just generally there for me. (Most of the time) Except the days he’s at work or chooses to hang out with his brother which isn’t his fault because he is working hard. He’s started putting £200 aside a month now to save so I guess that is a start? Is it all as doom and gloom as it seems? 

I guess there’s that part of my heart that’s craving the thrill I felt holding hands that night. Craving something more than the mundane that my life has become. And the guilt for that is eating away at me. But I think that craving stems from the need to escape the boredom my life has become rather than my boyfriend? Because I hate it all; my home, my life, my job, my town, my days 

so maybe the problem is with me and not with him? 

[JRabbit]

21 hours ago, confused_13 said:

so maybe the problem is with me and not with him? 

Your BF set you up to be raped. While you may be unhappy and I encourage you to look deep into that, the problem is certainly also him.

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, confused_13 said:

except the days that he is too drunk

You don't (and shouldn't) feel safe with someone like this. Even if you were drinking, doing pills, club drugs, whatever, he had a man rape you.

You are being so abused that you have Stockholm syndrome (google it).

 If you have trusted friends and family and a therapist, be honest about what is happening. Ask for help extricating yourself from these horrible men.

It sounds almost like you are in a Charles Manson like cult. (worshipping your abusers)

Edited November 15, 2021 by Wiseman2

[flitzanu]

earlier in this story you said your boyfriend showed his friend pictures of you in your underwear and got him all "turned on for you" and then led him into the bed where you were sleeping, and went to sleep, leaving you and the friend awake "turned on for each other" but for what reason were you all turned on for this guy?  

seems this was being overlooked, and you're hot for the friend.