Erica Posted November 9, 2021 Share Posted November 9, 2021 53, 3 children, married 26 years. My husband had an affair and got her pregnant ten years ago. She had an abortion, I found out and he broke up with her. I can't forget it. And im feeling i want adventures while they are possible. A man seems to have made it his ambition to seduce me and i like him. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted November 9, 2021 Share Posted November 9, 2021 Idea: why not open the marriage? Unless it's the revenge angle that makes it so appealing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 9, 2021 Share Posted November 9, 2021 2 hours ago, Erica said: i want adventures while they are possible. Divorce. Then you are free to do whatever you like. Your children are grown. There is nothing keeping you in your marriage if you don’t want to be married to the man. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 9, 2021 Share Posted November 9, 2021 People really don't cheat because they want out, they cheat because they want to stay married. You're husband cheating 10 years ago isn't why you've found yourself in this position. His affair is what you're using to tell yourself its ok, there is a huge difference. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 9, 2021 Share Posted November 9, 2021 8 hours ago, Erica said: im feeling i want adventures while they are possible. Excellent. Find a good attorney to discuss your options in divorce. Your marriage seems unhappy so why stay in it. Revenge cheating is a short lived poor choice. You'll still be stuck in a bad marriage. Address the primary problem. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 9, 2021 Share Posted November 9, 2021 6 hours ago, Mrin said: Idea: why not open the marriage? Unless it's the revenge angle that makes it so appealing. Her husband will likely not agree to opening up the marriage, men tend to like to cheat, but they don't tend to like their wives associating with other men... I guess the male ego cannot deal with it. The revenge angle is a big part of cheating, getting one over on the other due to perceived or actual slights, increases the enjoyment... 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Erica Posted November 9, 2021 Author Share Posted November 9, 2021 (edited) (Deleted) Edited November 9, 2021 by Erica Link to post Share on other sites
Author Erica Posted November 9, 2021 Author Share Posted November 9, 2021 Thank you for the replies. My husband wouldn’t agree to an open arrangement and I wouldn’t want that discussion anyway. I don’t want to divorce, my husband and we will probably grow old together but I am close to taking the next step with a man I have been having an emotional affair with since Covid began. Elaine is right, I do like the idea of a physical affair with him and to “even the score” with him. And there is an erotic frisson to the idea. My friend is unmarried, knows about my husband’s past affair, doesn’t want to break up my marriage but says he’s in love with me. His ideas re a physical relationship are very exciting (he wants to make love in my bed in our house). We exchange messages all day everyday, I love hearing from him, we exchange sexy photographs, he sends me very erotic scenarios, and although I have resisted deeper involvement for the last year and actually thought I would never have sex with another man I feel it is becoming more and more likely. My friend’s concern is that I may not be able to live with it afterwards and I agree that is something that I’ve thought about. It’s a confusing moment. Thanks for the replies and thank you Elaine. I feel you understand exactly where I am. Ironically our sex life at home is better than it has been for a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 9, 2021 Share Posted November 9, 2021 12 minutes ago, Erica said: . We exchange messages all day everyday, I love hearing from him, we exchange sexy photographs, he sends me very erotic scenario. How do you know him? Is this a friend? Co-worker? Neighbor? Do you and your lover both work? Does your husband work? How did this evolve from whenever/wherever you met into the emotional affair and sexting? It's up to you to decide if you want to take this romance and fantasy to a level that you hope your husband finds out about in order to exact revenge. Does this man live alone,? Is there a reason why you include having sex in your marital bed as part of the fantasy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Erica Posted November 9, 2021 Author Share Posted November 9, 2021 Thanks for the reply. We met on instagram, we have some mutual interests. I replied to him privately about something (the name of a garden flower) and the conversation started from there. I was attracted to him immediately and vice versa I think. We chatted easily and at length. He since told me he felt he was in love with me from the start. My husband works from home, so does he. The making love in my bed at home idea came from him initially and I couldn’t get the idea out of my mind. It seems extremely erotic and I don’t think it could happen but I do like the idea a lot and I have thought about it very often in my own fantasising about what may happen. My friend is very forthright. I was shocked to begin with that he could so easily say the kind of things he said to me about what he would like physically (not because of anything particularly unusual but because of his absolute frankness). Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 9, 2021 Share Posted November 9, 2021 3 minutes ago, Erica said: . We met on instagram. Have you met in person? Link to post Share on other sites
Uruktopi Posted November 9, 2021 Share Posted November 9, 2021 5 hours ago, DKT3 said: People really don't cheat because they want out, they cheat because they want to stay married. True! Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted November 9, 2021 Share Posted November 9, 2021 So you are ok with and support the ultimate betrayal of cheating with your new beau in the family home and marriage bed. You want to humiliate your husband that much. At your age when caught, you are ok in describing this and the reasons to your children. Not the affair itself, but the the act of betrayal to the family unit. The hardest part is looking into your children’s eyes when they ask how could you? Your responses will be the ‘AP loves me and wants to humiliate you father that much so it is ok’. Just D your husband, take everything from him then have you lover take you in the old bed. Once you have D. Not before. I feel no mother could be that selfish. one day at a time. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Erica Posted November 9, 2021 Author Share Posted November 9, 2021 Well to answer the above messages, yes we’ve met in person, only recently and briefly. And to the others, I feel the situation is a bit more nuanced than the anger in some replies above allows. Ironically, again, our relationship at home is ok, we have a satisfactory love life, but for whatever reason, his affair, the terrible last few months of disruption to everything from this virus, I want more experiences and I like this man probably more than anyone before. But I don’t want to leave my husband. I love my husband and I love this man. My long term future is with my husband but I do feel I want to deepen my relationship with this man. I think (I hope) I can separate the two things and one not to be a long term problem to the other. I think it might strengthen my marriage and also lay the ghost of what he did in the past. Additionally he is still in contact with his ex, they work in the same company but not at the same location. She is now married but they have that history between them. Anyway, thanks for all your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 9, 2021 Share Posted November 9, 2021 1 minute ago, Erica said: we’ve met in person, only recently and briefly. So this is more of a romance novel than an actual affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Erica Posted November 9, 2021 Author Share Posted November 9, 2021 6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: So this is more of a romance novel than an actual affair? No I don’t feel that’s the case at all. We talk every day, all day. We exchange many things, thoughts, photographs, on an intimate level. He knows, because he’s interested, more about what’s on my mind than my husband does. My husband certainly wouldn’t describe it as you do if he knew, I’m sure. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 9, 2021 Share Posted November 9, 2021 (edited) He doesn’t want to open the marriage - so you are going to open the marriage without his knowledge or consent… In much the same way that he hurt you. Well done. Edited November 9, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted November 9, 2021 Share Posted November 9, 2021 2 hours ago, Erica said: My friend’s concern is that I may not be able to live with it afterwards Very possible that either you or your boyfriend might feel this way and you will be devastated if you have to stop seeing each other. How do you see this playing out? Do you want to (unrealistically) maintain a marriage and a side romantic sexual affair for the rest of your life? Most likely there will eventually be a breakup (even if you are not discovered involuntarily, which would be 1000x worse). You will end up feeling terrible either way and wish you never proceeded. Trust me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 9, 2021 Share Posted November 9, 2021 26 minutes ago, Erica said: he’s interested, more about what’s on my mind than my husband does. Ok. So it's more of an emotional affair but mostly online? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 9, 2021 Share Posted November 9, 2021 (edited) Revenge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. The challenge here is that you have told yourself this will be a fun adventure and you are due - I’m not going to try and talk you out of this, I will just ask one question upon which I hope you reflect - is this really the person you want to be? Edited November 9, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 9, 2021 Share Posted November 9, 2021 1 hour ago, Buffer said: . You want to humiliate your husband that much And more probably. She can't forget what he did. She is living with what he did every day. Will the guilt of being unfaithful to her unfaithful husband eat her alive? I don't know, but she is no doubt being eaten alive every day anyway... 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 9, 2021 Share Posted November 9, 2021 28 minutes ago, elaine567 said: She can't forget what he did. She is living with what he did every day. Will the guilt of being unfaithful to her unfaithful husband eat her alive? I don't know, but she is no doubt being eaten alive every day anyway... Which is why, if she can’t get past it, the better option is to divorce. Rather, they will stay and they will continue to punish each other while suffering themselves for years and years to come… 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Erica Posted November 9, 2021 Author Share Posted November 9, 2021 I don’t really recognise myself in that description. I am as happy as I’ve been in a long time. The lockdowns which would have been insufferable have been bearable, I have gained confidence that I lost 10 years ago, the menopause has been very tough but now I am feeling as good as I’ve felt for years. Two men respond to me sexually, I love them both. Rebecca is right though, that I can’t be sure what might happen if I we have sex. We both want it, or we think we do. My friend isn’t pushy, he’s very reasonable, knows exactly what my home situation is. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 9, 2021 Share Posted November 9, 2021 (edited) So, what happens when your husband finds out? Are you prepared to start over at this point? Men are far less likely to continue a marriage with a cheating wife then the other way. There is a really good chance this will end your marriage, how does that look? Closing in on retirement, single and having to recalibrate your future. Edited November 9, 2021 by DKT3 3 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted November 9, 2021 Share Posted November 9, 2021 (edited) I was a MW that cheated and I regret it with every bone in my body. I could have addressed my issues and the issues with our marriage in a more respectful, healthier way...but I didn't. I could've been honest and real with my husband...instead I lied and hid things. I could've kept my own personal integrity intact...but I didn't. Yes, in the moment I felt good when xAP complimented me or spent time with me or whatever. But looking back those memories disgust me because I was so completely selfish and self-centered that I didn't care about anyone else. The mental gymnastics I did in my head to justify my actions boggle my mind now. I did a lot of work on myself to grow and change, my H now knows about everything and we are still married. And my answer to your question is: don't do it. The pain and loss of respect and integrity is not worth the fleeting good feelings an affair provides. If you are unhappy with the situation, address your issues and concerns with your husband or a therapist, that is the honest and authentic path to take. An affair is only a band aid and really just makes everything worse because you still have all the original issues plus now a hidden affair on top of it. And as a sidenote: You only met this man recently, and he says he's been in love with you from the start? That sounds sketchy, I'm sorry. But I understand because I met my xAP online and believed everything he said. Turned out I was the OOW. Edited November 9, 2021 by Bittersweetie 2 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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