considering cheating on my husband

[BaileyB]

You also have adult children. What will they think, when this is discovered? If it becomes physical, how will that change their reaction? Are you prepared to lose the respect of your children? I have a friend who pretty much ended contact with her parents when his affair was discovered, their relationship was never the same. Will the boost to your ego you are currently experiencing be worth it when your children discover the truth about their parents and put some distance between you?

[Distraught1]

I did something very similar however my husband did not cheat. Nobody knows of this, however I feel great guilt. The other side is that I don't feel much regret. I felt, too, that this was like my last hurrah. And the sex was amazing. We live in separate states so it's mostly online and never anywhere close to home. Having sex in my husband's bed is something I would never consider however our circumstances are different in that regard. The problem I will tell you is that you may begin to feel very deep emotion for this man that you don't now. The sex will most likely change the game. The everyday texts will probably lessen over time and the attention will slow. I have a similar arrangement in that there was no intention to end my marriage but it did change it and not for the better. Good luck with your decision moving forward. Lastly, I said I have no regrets...and of course for me that is because I was not caught. If I was, the truth is, I would be extremely humiliated. I'm seeking therapy now to deal with why I made the decision and how to move forward.    

Edited November 9, 2021 by Distraught1

[notbroken]

This will blow up your life, marriage, and you won't live 'happily ever after' with either your husband or affair partner.   Some fantasies are better left in fantasy land. This is one of those.  Go no contact with your affair guy.  Absolultey no contact.   Nothing - and I mean nothing - good can come from this.   It will destroy your marriage, your family life, etc one way or another.  Stop.  Have some integrity.   2 wrongs never make a right. 

[Erica]

Many thanks for the generous and thoughtful replies. You have given me much to think about. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Erica said:

we have sex. We both want it, or we think we do. My friend isn’t pushy, he’s very reasonable. 

That's good. Perhaps keep in the fantasy realm until you're sure of what you want to do about it.

[Bittersweetie]

Another thing to think about. In the aftermath of my affair and d-day, I thought a lot about what kind of person I wanted to be moving forward. I realized that, regardless of whether my husband and I reconciled, I never again wanted to be the kind of person who was that selfish and who lied and cheated. And so I worked on myself in order to not be that kind of person.

So what kind of person do you want to be Erica? You said your husband cheated at one point. Your husband was that kind of person at that time. So then do you want to become the kind of person who cheats too? Just because your husband did it doesn't mean you have to. 

So maybe reframe the question of this thread: instead of asking, should I cheat on my husband, ask: do I want to be the kind of person who cheats? Because when it comes down to it, only you are responsible and accountable for your own actions and choices. Good luck.

[Blind-Sided]

I don't want to address anyone directly... I just want to throw out my 2 cents.  And just as an FYI... I have never cheated on anyone... and I don't condone it in any way.

To knowingly, and actively thought out about cheating on someone makes you a bad person.  Period.   I almost understand a situational, and "In the moment" passion kind of cheating.  Sure, as an adult, you should know better... but it's in the moment, and a lack of proper judgment.  But doing it out of spite, and planning it just makes it a sinful kind of situation.  I guess it's the difference in killing for self defense, and pre-meditated murder.   And to some... that's at the same level. 

Just think about what you are actually going to do... and why.

As others have said... either forgive and move on... or start the paperwork.  There is no reason to willfully hurt someone (at one time) you love.  And if you don't actually love him... then that's all the more reason to just move on. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Erica said:

His ideas re a physical relationship are very exciting (he wants to make love in my bed in our house).

This definitely sounds like sheer fantasy . No guy in his right mind wants to be found in your bed with you by one of your three kids.

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Erica said:

His ideas re a physical relationship are very exciting (he wants to make love in my bed in our house).

Disrespectful. I changed that for you. 

To have sex with another man in the bed you share with your husband, the father of your children, is just plain disrespectful.

It is only exciting if you are so completely self absorbed that you are oblivious to the pain that you will cause your family should you decide to invite your affair partner into the family home.

[dramafreezone]

15 hours ago, Mrin said:

Idea: why not open the marriage? Unless it's the revenge angle that makes it so appealing. 

This should be more of a conversation in general IMO.  Would save so much tragedy and heartbreak if couples approached a lifelong union more practically.

[Fox Sake]

17 hours ago, Erica said:

53, 3 children, married 26 years. My husband had an affair and got her pregnant ten years ago. She had an abortion, I found out and he broke up with her.

I can't forget it. And im feeling i want adventures while they are possible. A man seems to have made it his ambition to seduce me and i like him.

2 wrongs don’t make a right.
Why don’t you try approaching your husband and just be open and honest with him about what you want? If your relationship is at this stage,  then there’s obviously more of a friendship than a romantic relationship between you two and it’s been that way for some time by the sounds of it. 

You can either do this ethically , or you can do it unethically. 

If you take the ethical route and discuss it, you won’t take yourself prisoner on the quiet hours when you’re stuck with your thoughts. Go the unethical route and you’re no better than the man who cheated on you those years ago. Think very carefully. 
 

edit - I would just like to add that if it’s okay for you to be going out being seduced then you have to be okay with him doing it too. Really it’s a discussion you should be having. 

Edited November 9, 2021 by Fox Sake

[mark clemson]

Clearly going through with this would be ill-advised for a variety of reasons. The sensible and "rational" thing to do would be to work on your marriage and/or feelings of resentment (to include therapy and/or couples therapy if needed) and possibly to leave it. Of course, if people were always sensible and rational we'd live in a very different world.

The irony in suggesting divorce is that it won't really help your partner's feelings, at least not much.

Think about it -  you tell them "Well, honey, I'm divorcing you after all these years. It's because I don't love you anymore and so I can go be with someone else. But - at least I didn't cheat on you!"  If your spouse still loves you and wants to stay married, I suspect their response will be "So bleeping what!".  They will still be very upset at losing you, having their life disrupted, etc, etc.

You see lots of pain and emotional distress in the Infidelity section here. But guess what, you see PLENTY of that in the Separation/Divorce and even the Breakups section, not to mention Coping. Ending a relationship simply isn't easy unless it's actually mutual or the person being left doesn't have strong feelings anymore.

 

[Mrin]

"Even though my relationship and sex life was really good with my husband, I'm so glad I had the affair", said very very few women ever.

[justbrowsing85]

I want to echo other poster in terms of divorce first then pursuit whatever love interest you want. 

You seem to assume that your WH's guilt from the prior affair will cause him to look past your cheating if it materialize.  What makes you think he wouldn't just divorce you when he finds out?  Yeah he had an affair but that's no guarantee he will accept your cheating.   It is totally unfair if he choose to divorce but you have to account for that eventuality.   I think counseling will help you processing these feelings especially your resentment towards your WH affair.   Who doesn't want to have their loving stable family while have some side action?  But these scenarios usually blow up in the person face.

Whatever you decide to do, please don't act on impulse.  Good luck.  

[vla1120]

8 hours ago, Erica said:

(he wants to make love in my bed in our house).

No. Just...NO. The betrayal of infidelity is one thing. Having your affair partner in YOUR marital home having sex in YOUR HUSBAND's bed is the ultimate betrayal IMO. 

6 hours ago, Erica said:

Ironically, again, our relationship at home is ok, we have a satisfactory love life, but for whatever reason, his affair, the terrible last few months of disruption to everything from this virus, I want more experiences and I like this man probably more than anyone before. But I don’t want to leave my husband. I love my husband and I love this man.

 

Clearly, your marriage is NOT okay or you wouldn't be considering this affair. Like someone else said, revenge is drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. You chose to stay with your husband after his affair. Now, it looks like you're making excuses about him still working with the ex to justify having this affair. If you are someone who prides yourself on having integrity, you'll feel worse about yourself after engaging with this man. 

6 hours ago, Erica said:

I love my husband

...and....

6 hours ago, Erica said:

I think it might strengthen my marriage

Maybe you should ask your husband if he thinks it will strengthen your marriage. I guarantee he would disagree with you. Yes. He made the mistake first and you stayed in the marriage. Making the same mistake he made - KNOWING how devastating it was to you - does not line up with your claim that you love him. If you love him and value your marriage, you won't betray him. Either forgive him and move past it, or divorce him and do what you want with your time. Lies, cheating, betrayal - those are not indicators of a good, strong, loving marriage.

 

[lana-banana]

Beyond the judgment, which others have well delivered, I guess I'm struck by the assumptions here. You seem to have concluded you're entitled to this; your husband won't leave you; you won't regret this; your marriage will end up stronger. Those are a lot of pretty major assumptions on a pretty significant topic! Do you really believe all this, or is it just what you're telling yourself to justify what you want? If everything is as you say then you should be able to tell your husband all of these things, so why haven't you?

I would heed the warnings from others in this thread. There are very, very few people whose affairs have made them feel better or more confident, but there are millions who have lost everything because of it. Stop thinking about this guy for a second and start thinking about how you got to this mental place, where you've so effectively compartmentalized your marriage and your desire ("desire"?) for this other person. Is it possible you still haven't processed your pain from his affair? Are you questioning the direction of your life more generally? What is this really about? 

 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

To have sex with another man in the bed you share with your husband, the father of your children, is just plain disrespectful.

Not to mention dangerous.  People get killed for less.  OP there will more than likely be a D-day sooner or later in your affair.  When your husband reads all of the sexual thingss you've said and fantasized about with this guy and especially if he finds out you had sex he will never look at you the same.   Men are not as forgiving as women of affairs.  I bet if you were the one who got pregnant by a lover your husband would not be with you today. Right now because he had a dirty affair and you forgave him you are his Angel.  If he finds out about this affair you will never see that pedestal he has you on again.

[alsudduth]

I have been on both sides of the infidelity coin. Neither is fun, but I honestly believe that my affair was harder on me than my husbands affair (not that that didn't royally suck either though) But with my affair, I had to look at myself and come to terms with the type of person my affair made me. It made me everything I didn't want to be. Dishonest, sneaky, disrespectful, selfish, ashamed, angry, depressed. I had to do a ton of really hard work to feel confident that I would never lead myself down that path again. It took a long time, and I STILL have triggers 5 years later. I had a dream not too long ago that had my former affair partner in it. The entire next day I felt triggered with feelings self hate and guilt.  
If you go further in this affair than you already are, you need to consider the lifelong impact it will have on your soul.  

[Erica]

Thanks to all the above. Thank you Mark Clemson. A lot of passion in the discussion, it has made me think.

[SRCSRC]

I am truly sorry you were cheated on by your husband 10 years ago.  Clearly, residual hurt is quite evident.  I understand your pain.  My ex-wife cheated on me early in our marriage.  I felt nothing for her ever again, though I tried to fake it.  She subsequently cheated again and that was the end of the marriage.  I never thought about a revenge affair.  Maybe if the right opportunity presented itself, I might have considered it.  But I would have done it as a parting gift to my ex-wife.  

Be prepared to destroy your marriage.  It doesn't sound like it is worth saving.  Your hurt and resentment is too strong.  If you really do love your husband and want to spend the rest of your life with him, it likely won't happen if you have a physical affair with the OM.  You are presently deep in an emotional affair with him and will likely continue to draw away from your husband.  He will eventually catch on and your affair will be exposed.  Besides, what good is a revenge affair if your husband doesn't experience the hurt you will inflict on him.  He will be devastated and you will get your revenge.  But do you really think your marriage will be better?  I think not.  I think all hell will break loose and there will be even less to save.  BTW, you are already cheating on your husband big time.  You just haven't made it physical.  

If you want to sustain your marriage, end your emotional affair with the OM. If you intend to have a physical affair it is time to leave your husband.  I suspect that the OM might not look so appealing if you were faced with making a life with him.  Why else do you insist on growing old with your husband?

 

 

 

Edited November 10, 2021 by SRCSRC

[stillafool]

20 hours ago, justbrowsing85 said:

It is totally unfair if he choose to divorce but you have to account for that eventuality. 

Oh it's doubtful he will divorce her but in the end she may wish he had.  He will never treat her or think of her the way he does now and more than likely will start having sex with whomever he pleases.

[twosadthings]

You say you don't want an open marriage and don't want to have that discussion with your husband.  The real reason is that you don't want to tip him off that you're already involved with someone else.  You've said more than once you're in love with two men but want to grow old with your husband.  To me that is irreconcilable.  How will you reconcile that when you get found out?

[Supernova11]

On 11/9/2021 at 12:22 AM, Erica said:

I can't forget it.

You need to leave regardless of whether you have an affair or not. Your marriage was over a long time ago. The affair will most likely be a short thing, might leave you feeling good for a while but ultimately it just adds to the nastiness and will make the situation worse if you’re a honest person. You need to get out of the marriage and rediscover yourself, put yourself first and romantic relationships second. You are trapped at the moment, instead of making it worse long term with an affair, get out.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Erica, all the good folk have given you excellent advice about the situation you find yourself in. It would make real sense for you to introspect and then decide deep within yourself what you really want. I am not going to repeat what those folks have said but rather, present a different perspective on what seems to be occupying your mind right now.

Firstly, I am assuming you and your husband are empty nesters. If that is indeed the case you must have suddenly found yourself with a lot of time on your hands and with a vacuum which is difficult to fill. This has led to your scouring the internet to fill your time and this is where you met your AP. Also, the kind of feelings that seem to be roiling through your system seem to be what is known as a Polyamorous syndrome. If you have'nt heard of the term I suggest you Google it. In polyamory a person can have romantic feelings for two or more people where the primary partner and the family remain paramount but the secondary partner is an important fixture in one's life. For a woman it is like having two husbands, one the primary one to whom one is legally married and with whom one has a family and the other with whom one shares romantic feelings and with whom one can spend a significant amount of time living like a couple but not being legally tied down to him. It seems that you have discovered this trait within yourself.

If this be a true depiction of your state of emotional evolvement then you need to sit down with your husband and have a heart to heart talk with him. Tell him like it is! Call a space a spade. If this trait which has been dormant in you all these years has come to the surface then you have to give it free rein and cannot continue to suppress it. If this means divorcing your current husband and finding another who is amenable to your desire to live a polyamorous life then so be it. This process would involve ethical non monagamy. Read the book "The Ethical slut". It will help you. Guess that is all I have to say at the moment. Think about it. Warm regards.

Edited November 14, 2021 by Just a Guy
Correction.

[Myabee]

On 11/8/2021 at 7:22 PM, Erica said:

53, 3 children, married 26 years. My husband had an affair and got her pregnant ten years ago. She had an abortion, I found out and he broke up with her.

I can't forget it. And im feeling i want adventures while they are possible. A man seems to have made it his ambition to seduce me and i like him.

Look... Straight up, Cheating real get's you no where. It's a painful path that you will regret walking if that is your choice. Better off divorcing and finding a single person if the marriage is truly over.