A place for me to write, chapter 2

[newheart]

I am struggling, still.  Reopening a new place for me to write to heal.  It is crazy to think that all these years later, I am still here. 

He came to my house last night to pick up his stuff.  He ended up telling me that he wanted me to know that this is 100% on him, that he couldn't fix it, that he didn't see the benefit in talking to a professional because they would have the same exact conversation we've repeatedly had (T: why? Him: I don't know. T: Okay, go home and work on it then; I explained gently that this is not how they'd approach it, there's something psychological that needs to be addressed but he has to pursue this help for himself now).  That he felt other than the intimacy issue, we had the most perfect relationship (it's been one of the most challenging for me), it has been the best relationship he's ever had, he had been so looking forward to next steps and talking about moving in together.  He just doesn't know why, but it only got worse because it was this elephant in the room all the time, fear, embarrassment, I don't know. I asked him: do you think maybe you then started withholding all other affection because you were afraid I would expect it to lead to sex? (I already knew the answer, was wondering if he would acknowledge) He was crying and shook his head yes.  It makes no sense, his marriage ended over this, and now this, and he'd rather be alone or roll the dice with someone else, try to find someone he loves as much as me, (which is not fair to a new partner, quite lousy in fact) to see if this problem happens again?  None of this is logical.  I walked him to the door, kissed him goodbye and told him I loved him, and he replied, "Doesn't seem like it."  What???

I was, am, desperate for answers I know I will never get.  I honestly feel like we are just two crazy people reacting to past traumas and this was never something that would work, but it feels absolutely devastating.  

[elaine567]

15 minutes ago, newheart said:

He ended up telling me that he wanted me to know that this is 100% on him, that he couldn't fix it, that he didn't see the benefit in talking to a professional because they would have the same exact conversation we've repeatedly had (T: why? Him: I don't know. T: Okay, go home and work on it then

He is right though, he can't fix it.
Sex is just not something he wants to do and  no amount of talking about it or "working on it" will make him want to do it.
He doesn't have the libido, the desire, the drive that propels most men to want to have sex as often as they can.
No-one can "make" themselves like something as fundamental as sex, they either do or they don't. 
They either get a buzz out of it or they don't.
It seems he can fake it for a while but ultimately he is just not interested, so can hide it no longer.
He wants a relationship as long as he is not expected to perform...

You may be on the "right" and "normal"  side of the equation, but could you envisage being asked to go to a therapist to quell your sex drive? I guess not.
Could you shut off your sex drive on request? No.
He can't turn on his sex drive. Not because he wants to, not because you want him to, not because his ex wife wanted him to, not because a therapist wants him to...

[newheart]

29 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You may be on the "right" and "normal"  side of the equation, but could you envisage being asked to go to a therapist to quell your sex drive? I guess not.
Could you shut off your sex drive on request? No.
 

Nope, and you are right ... it just sucks.  

[newheart]

I deleted our conversation from FB messenger.  Once I realized I could see him there and whether or not he was active on FB, I started becoming obsessive.  If he was on there, he (most likely) isn't on a date, so I'd feel better seeing him just sit on FB all night.  I can't keep looking, I deleted him.  Shouldn't be there anyway.  When I am ready, I will delete his text thread too.

Oddly enough, or maybe not oddly, I had a very sexual dream about another man last night.  I actually woke up feeling hopeful ... I mean, better than having a sex dream about XBF.  I've had those during our relationship and it is pretty upsetting to wake up and face reality.

In therapy today, I set aside two periods of worry time, to try to train my brain to not ruminate on this throughout the day.  We will see how that goes.  I mean, I am here, writing outside of a designated time, lol.  I can't imagine how I can tell myself to just stop thinking about him or the situation, but it is consuming me at times, I have to do something. 

[newheart]

I am angry.  This @)#(@)$( had the nerve to email me in the middle of the night saying it has been bothering him ever since he left my house, wondering what my expectation that day had been.  He said that he was not denying he is close to 100% responsible for this, but that he spent 3 hours on my couch getting a verbal lashing and 6 weeks being told how horrible he was. (INSANITY - as many times as I should have told him he was horrible, I never said that nor even implied it, I came at him with nothing but compassion for the uncomfortableness of the situation although I was the only one suffering).  He then asked if I wanted to try and talk again?

It's been over 24 hours since I read it, and I think I am even more angry now then I was a day ago. I haven't responded.  I know he doesn't deserve my time and energy, but I am having a really hard time not correcting him. It is ludicrous, and honestly, cruel that every week he reaches out to pick at my scabs.