Should I separate or divorce

[livingalife2009]

Hello it's me again. Married for 20 years, husband is almost 77 years old, kids are in middle school and I am 46.

Husband and his step sister are toxic. Husband chooses to comfort step sister while she abuses me. 

I have decided that I can't function living with a husband who chooses his sister as his priority over me and the kids. But the question is, should I go for a divorce or separation.

I am thinking because of his age and for financial reasons we should separate for about at least 7 years. Once the kids go to college and once their college tuition is figured out and paid for, we will then get a divorce. I am thinking of asking him to move  into one of our rentals when it comes available in about 8 months. During the 8 months we will do a trial separation at home. Pooling all our income together, after paying all the bills we will split 50% of what's left.

Hope a lot of you will chime in and also add some great ideas and suggestions!!!

Thank you all.

 

[stillafool]

7 years?  Just divorce.  Why prolong things with a separation?  Do you want to marry again?  If so, at 53 good luck.  If you're really miserable stop treading water and pull the plug.

[vla1120]

3 hours ago, livingalife2009 said:

Husband and his step sister are toxic. Husband chooses to comfort step sister while she abuses me. 

I have decided that I can't function living with a husband who chooses his sister as his priority over me and the kids. But the question is, should I go for a divorce or separation.

Divorce accomplishes what you are looking for, here. Separation might send the message that you still want some type of connection with him, still giving him some perceived power in the relationship.

3 hours ago, livingalife2009 said:

Once the kids go to college and once their college tuition is figured out and paid for, we will then get a divorce.

This (as well as all other financial issues) can all be sorted out in a divorce agreement.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, livingalife2009 said:

I am thinking because of his age and for financial reasons we should separate for about at least 7 years.

You need to talk to an attorney. You can't simply make up a faux separation/divorce.

[livingalife2009]

I am meeting with a therapist in about an hour to figure out why I feel this way.

The reasons we are still married is because he 'needs' me. I glue things together in our every day  lives. I run the business and I take care of the family. I can't leave him because my sadness about him overpowers me. I have never felt so deeply sad for anyone in my life. I love him and want the best for him but I just can't accept to stay in a marriage where my husband fails to protect me and our marriage from toxic outsiders.

He stops verbally abusing me about 4 months ago but that doesn't mean he still loves me. I strongly believe that his sister is more important to him because she is an enabler, she doesn't mind his narcistic abusive behavior. My husband doesn't discriminate - he yells and insults everybody including his sister and they admire each other. I have never seen such an insecure person, at 71 years old she is still jealous of me and encourages her brother to divorce me, she cares nothing about the stress and sadness her brother is going through.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, livingalife2009 said:

fails to protect me and our marriage from toxic outsiders.

It's your job to have boundaries and stand up d for yourself. He's way too old to be some knight in shining armor. Furthermore they are his family, you hate them, so you deal with them and that directly and stop putting him in the line of fire and making everyone choose sides.

Too much drama. Way too exhausting. Why do you have to deal with them anyway? Do they live with you or just drop in or visit constantly?

[vla1120]

1 minute ago, livingalife2009 said:

I am meeting with a therapist in about an hour to figure out why I feel this way.

The reasons we are still married is because he 'needs' me. I glue things together in our every day  lives. I run the business and I take care of the family. I can't leave him because my sadness about him overpowers me. I have never felt so deeply sad for anyone in my life. I love him and want the best for him but I just can't accept to stay in a marriage where my husband fails to protect me and our marriage from toxic outsiders.

He stops verbally abusing me about 4 months ago but that doesn't mean he still loves me. I strongly believe that his sister is more important to him because she is an enabler, she doesn't mind his narcistic abusive behavior. My husband doesn't discriminate - he yells and insults everybody including his sister and they admire each other. I have never seen such an insecure person, at 71 years old she is still jealous of me and encourages her brother to divorce me, she cares nothing about the stress and sadness her brother is going through.

I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. I was married for six years to a man much like you describe your husband. I simply could not co-habitate with him, but he was terminally ill and I couldn't completely turn my back on him, either. Twice, I left him and set up household on my own somewhere else, but I stayed involved by helping him with his shopping, cleaning and managing his medical appointments and prescriptions, etc. Therefore, I understand your predicament. In my case, as sad as it is, I knew there was going to be an end to the emotional abuse and that's what I had to keep telling myself. Meanwhile, family (especially my daughters, to whom he was horrible until I finally cut off all contact between them), friends and even my therapist(s) kept asking me why I stayed. 

After the second time I left, we did not speak for 4 months, until he contacted me for help when his health took a turn for the worse. This was when I moved back in with him, we set up hospice care, and I stayed until the very end. BUT, I put my foot down and told him "I've proven twice before that I will leave you without hesitation if you mistreat me. I would suggest you treat me well or you will die alone." (Which was his greatest fear.) 

I am living proof that you can care for someone, but resolve not to take their abuse. I would recommend exploring with your therapist how you can perhaps meet his "needs" without losing a part of yourself, if that is possible. You have to learn, between the two of you, to put yourself and your own welfare FIRST, since he does not. 

[FMW]

Have you discussed the options with him?  That should be your first step.

In considering separation only, you need to know where his head is at, what he is likely to be agreeable to and what he will fight.  If he's not on board with working together to hammer out the details, divorce might be your only option to free yourself from this situation. 

[livingalife2009]

3 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. I was married for six years to a man much like you describe your husband. I simply could not co-habitate with him, but he was terminally ill and I couldn't completely turn my back on him, either. Twice, I left him and set up household on my own somewhere else, but I stayed involved by helping him with his shopping, cleaning and managing his medical appointments and prescriptions, etc. Therefore, I understand your predicament. In my case, as sad as it is, I knew there was going to be an end to the emotional abuse and that's what I had to keep telling myself. Meanwhile, family (especially my daughters, to whom he was horrible until I finally cut off all contact between them), friends and even my therapist(s) kept asking me why I stayed. 

After the second time I left, we did not speak for 4 months, until he contacted me for help when his health took a turn for the worse. This was when I moved back in with him, we set up hospice care, and I stayed until the very end. BUT, I put my foot down and told him "I've proven twice before that I will leave you without hesitation if you mistreat me. I would suggest you treat me well or you will die alone." (Which was his greatest fear.) 

I am living proof that you can care for someone, but resolve not to take their abuse. I would recommend exploring with your therapist how you can perhaps meet his "needs" without losing a part of yourself, if that is possible. You have to learn, between the two of you, to put yourself and your own welfare FIRST, since he does not. 

Thank you so much. This is exactly what I want  - still care for him but not take his abuse.

[livingalife2009]

3 minutes ago, FMW said:

Have you discussed the options with him?  That should be your first step.

In considering separation only, you need to know where his head is at, what he is likely to be agreeable to and what he will fight.  If he's not on board with working together to hammer out the details, divorce might be your only option to free yourself from this situation. 

I hope to discuss with him after I meet with a therapist today.

[vla1120]

4 minutes ago, livingalife2009 said:

Thank you so much. This is exactly what I want  - still care for him but not take his abuse.

It is NOT an easy thing to do, and it definitely took it's toll on me emotionally and physically. You have to set very strict boundaries and stick to them. One of those boundaries should be absolutely NO contact with his sister. She should not be welcome in your home (and if she is because of him, this is one of the reasons you should move out and have your own space.) You cannot keep him from having a relationship with his sister, but you do not have to be involved with her and you can tell him that you do not want to hear her name or anything about her when he is in your presence.

I kept a journal of all the incidents I had with him. From there, I made a list of the things that were annoyances that I could allow to roll off my back, and a list of things that were dealbreakers. I let him know the dealbreakers and told him I would walk out the door if he continued that behavior. I also told him he needed to stop the annoying behavior and that I would no longer engage with him when he tried to push my buttons, and I didn't. I would leave the room. Two times when he did something unforgivable, I packed my bags and left. I told him I would stay married so he would have health insurance, but I was no longer going to be there for his abusive behavior. The first time, I went back when his cancer advanced to stage IV and I felt bad for him (bad mistake.) The second time was when he started to go downhill and needed hospice care. 

Your boundaries will be critical, if you are determined to stay involved with him. You need to explore what it is about you that was willing to accept his abusive behavior for so many years and change your perspective. Put yourself first (for once.) Put your foot down with him and let him know his options are to adhere to your boundaries or live alone. 

[BaileyB]

Life is simply too short than to stay in a bad marriage for years that you know will ultimately end in divorce. And, if he is emotionally abusive to you then you should divorce this man. You don’t want to raise your children in this kind of environment. What are they learning about relationships? I understand that finances are a consideration. But seriously, as many will say after they file for divorce and leave their spouse - it’s the best money they ever spent to have freedom, peace, and the opportunity to create a new life that will bring great joy!