2nd chance with an ex who lives in the same building as me?

[Jchav123]

I was struggling to decide where to put this because "coping" also applies.  Heres the backstory:

I've dated this woman for 3 years now.  We have broken up and gotten back together at least 4 times in that 3 years.  She is 9 years older than me.  We have had a lifetime of memories in the 3 years we have dated.  Last year both of us got drunk and we had a huge fight, things were thrown and it was a mess.  We made up and came back stronger than ever.  We agreed this time we should start from scratch and after a year move in together.  We had originally talked about moving in a year before but life and kids got in the way and we couldn't align.  Earlier this year in March I moved to another apartment.  I moved into the middle of downtown into a building she used to live in at her suggestion.  I knew her when she lived in the building and agreed I'd like it also.  A few months later she sells her house and moves into the building as well because she misses the city life.  We thought this arrangement was excellent as we both had our own spaces, and she had room for her son who came to visit every other week and we lived so close so it was just like living together.  We had a great summer and no problems but in the beginning of September, the arguing started again.  We ultimately decided we are just too different to date each other.

A few weeks later, mid October, we start hanging out again.  This is after seeing each other in the building from time to time and not really speaking.  We have the same friends and hang out at the same places so we knew we were going to run into each other.  One day I was at her place to talk about "us" and how we were going to always be in the same spaces and I made it clear I wasn't ready to give up on us.  We went out later that night with friends and all had a good time, no drama or anything.  It felt like old times.  The next day I hang out at her place and we end up sleeping together.  Even after we hooked up, we started talking more regularly..usually over text.  Right before we hooked up she made it a point to say "this doesn't mean we're getting back together" and "you cant stay over".  I stayed over.  Starting a few days later she would start dropping by my apartment unannounced to chat or have a beer.  This happened a few times.  She really did seem like she was coming back around.

A week or so later I got very drunk with a few of our mutual friends (she wasn't there) and ended up making a disgrace of myself.  Huge mistake on my part that pissed off some of my friends.  My ex finds out and basically stops all communication.  She and I have barely talked in the last few weeks because of this incident and she made it clear us hanging out could never be the same, even if we ever did hang out again.  

 I do want another chance with her but her confusion/anger with me about what happened when I was drunk makes me think we're done for good.  I can't imagine how she feels having a constant reminder that I am only 150 feet away on a different floor. On top of that, a lot of the art in her place are things I have created meaning even more reminders.  I want to believe she is going through the same things I am, having someone that was once so close to me in life that I don't talk to anymore being literally 60 seconds away at all times.  I know it's painful for me.

But any time I do reach out via text she does respond but I always have to be the one to reach out first.  She has mentioned she does care about me and hopes everything will work out and wants to be able to trust me again.  But right now I just get a sense she is just being nice.

Any advice on a situation like this would be appreciated.

Edited November 10, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Jchav123 said:

A week or so later I got very drunk with a few of our mutual friends (she wasn't there) and ended up making a disgrace of myself.  She has mentioned she does care about me and hopes everything will work out and wants to be able to trust me again. 

Don't use "I was drunk" as an excuse. Are you exclusive or fwb or still on/off? What does she mean "trust you again"? Sleeping with someone else?

Unfortunately you're neighbors but perhaps you could avoid each other (and getting drunk, throwing things etc) for a while. Let the dust settle.

Edited November 10, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language in quote

[Jchav123]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't use "I was drunk" as an excuse. Are you exclusive or fwb or still on/off? What does she mean "trust you again"? Sleeping with someone else?

Unfortunately you're neighbors but perhaps you could avoid each other (and getting drunk, throwing things etc) for a while. Let the dust settle.

Oh you are right I wasn't meaning to make it sound like an excuse but basically I drank too damn much, that one is for sure on me.  But we are neither fwb or exclusive and the one time we hooked up was more like a backslide I think.  Most likely because we. do live so close together.  Ultimately we were getting back to being friendly and familiar then all of this mess happened.  I agree with you on "letting the dust settle" though I don't know just how long I should lay low.

[glows]

I don't think she's interested in you in the way you want her to be. It's not mutual, those feelings you have for her, in other words. She's trying to keep things casual and platonic but you're reading too much into it. The age gap, incompatibility, possibly disrespect while drunk or otherwise have turned her off of dating you in particular. I know that sounds harsh but it's better to accept it as it is so that you can move on to be with someone more on your wavelength. 

Keep things cordial and light as she's a neighbour but I don't see this going past anything other than that.