Asking wife about possible affair

[RoyMunson]

I’ve been married for about 8 years.  The last few years have been rough as we dealt with the stress of kids, work, pandemic..our marriage has suffered.  We’re rarely affectionate and argue often.  We had mentioned about the possibility of a separation or divorce but never formally.

This past July my wife said she needed to get out of the house one night a week to help keep her sanity.  Around the same time she started doing this, she mentioned a male co-worker that had asked her to get a drink after work.  She asked me if I would be ok with it and I said sure.  She has never given me any reason to suspect anything and she is usually the most honest person I know.  She was out until around 9:30-10pm that night.  I didn’t ask her for any details because I wanted to respect her privacy, but I thought it was a little odd to be out that late with one co-worker.

Weeks go by and she continues to go out one night a week, probably a total of 10times.  She wasn’t really open about where she was or who she was with.  On a few occasions she did mention some female friends or going to her parents.  There are several evenings I have no idea where she was, including a Saturday night she was out until 12:30-1AM.  Again,  I just let it go and didn’t want to cause another fight.

About a month ago I noticed she was texting a lot with this male co-worker.  I also noticed she changed his name in her phone to his initials.  She became very protective of her phone and would jump up and grab immediately if she got any type of notification while I was near the phone.  Then she told me she was choosing Tuesday night for her night out that week.  Suspicion overtook me and decided to put my iPad I the back of the car she would be driving that day with the location on.  After work I checked the location and it was a residential address and when I googled the address it was registered to her work friend.  I don’t think I would have been upset if they were at a restaurant, bar, or coffee shop.  It just seemed really odd for two co-workers to spend time alone at one of their homes.  She texted me about 6:00 pm to remind me it’s her night and she would be home later.  I called her out on it and she became very defensive.

She explained it as a work friend who confided over shared frustrations with work.  She said he’s taking a new job and is moving out of town so they won’t be hanging out anymore.  When I think back on it, she never really denied that anything happened.

This situation along with other marital issues have us starting marriage counseling as our relationship has hit a critical point.  She made an appointment with a divorce attorney in case counseling doesn’t work. I certainly know I have accountability for how our marriage soured over the years.  However, if we can save the marriage I feel like I will always have this suspicion in the back of my head and it will affect us going forward.  Do I have a right to be suspicious?  Do I have a right to ask her again about it and demand an outright denial that anything physical happened?  I think she thinks I’ve moved past it, but I still have this suspicion that creeps into my head.  Sorry this was so long winded and would appreciate any advice.

 

 

Edited November 10, 2021 by RoyMunson

[Mrin]

Oh wow. Ya. I'd bet the farm that she hais having an affair. 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, RoyMunson said:

This situation along with other marital issues have us starting marriage counseling as our relationship has hit a critical point.  She made an appointment with a divorce attorney in case counseling doesn’t work.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately it's not looking good. Most likely something is going on but cheaters are liars so you'll never know the whole truth.

However do bring all this up in the confidential neutral setting of marriage therapy rather than confronting her in a setting where she'll just deny and get  defensive. Explain the facts in therapy along with whatever ever other issues there have been. Do Not mention the ipad. Just mention the nights out and the male coworker.

Do you want a divorce? Either way, cover your bases and get an attorney and a consultation on your options in the event of divorce. Do Not Tell her you are in discussions with an attorney, just get your ducks in a row. Grounds such as adultery are not necessary to divorce, so skip the private eye stuff and head straight to the attorney for facts and info. 

[Crazelnut]

I'm sorry, but it really does look like your wife is/was having an affair with this coworker. You need to see an attorney more than you need a marriage counselor. 

[RoyMunson]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately it's not looking good. Most likely something is going on but cheaters are liars so you'll never know the whole truth.

However do bring all this up in the confidential neutral setting of marriage therapy rather than confronting her in a setting where she'll just deny and get  defensive. Explain the facts in therapy along with whatever ever other issues there have been. Do Not mention the ipad. Just mention the nights out and the male coworker.

Do you want a divorce? Either way, cover your bases and get an attorney and a consultation on your options in the event of divorce. Do Not Tell her you are in discussions with an attorney, just get your ducks in a row. Grounds such as adultery are not necessary to divorce, so skip the private eye stuff and head straight to the attorney for facts and info. 

I’m not sure if I want a divorce.  I guess I need to know the truth before I can answer that.  I appreciate the advice.

[RoyMunson]

8 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

I'm sorry, but it really does look like your wife is/was having an affair with this coworker. You need to see an attorney more than you need a marriage counselor. 

No need to apologize.  I appreciate the feedback.  I think I just need to hear it from other people rather than having it bounce around my own head.

[notbroken]

I'm sorry, but she almost certainly cheated.  Do you go to your female coworkers house and go out with them regularly alone?   She is likely going to blame you for everything.  Definitely seek the advice of a good attorney and decide if you want to stay married.   Don't confront her on cheating.  She'll just lie and go 'underground' with it.   If you have to know find a way to get her phone/text messages, hire a PI, etc.  I like the idea of leaving the Ipad in her car.  Her going over there is definitely a smoking gun and  in my mind would be enough to divorce quite honestly. 

[elaine567]

45 minutes ago, RoyMunson said:

She made an appointment with a divorce attorney in case counseling doesn’t work.

That sounds positive - NOT.

You have just started counselling and already she made an appt with a divorce attorney??

I think she has at least one foot, if not both feet out the door.
I think whether she cheated or not may be irrelevant, sorry to say.

[Mrin]

22 minutes ago, RoyMunson said:

I’m not sure if I want a divorce.  I guess I need to know the truth before I can answer that.  I appreciate the advice.

Question: do you really want to know the truth? It feels like you had the opportunity at least once if not multiple times to get the truth from her. Like you said - she didn't deny what alleged. But it also doesn't sound like you pressed her on it. 

I mean I get it. It is one thing to suspect your spouse of cheating. It's another thing to have her confirm it to your face. My hunch is that, for you, it is a bridge once crossed cannot be uncrossed. 

Does any of that feel true to you?

 

[basil67]

55 minutes ago, RoyMunson said:

However, if we can save the marriage I feel like I will always have this suspicion in the back of my head and it will affect us going forward.  Do I have a right to be suspicious?  Do I have a right to ask her again about it and demand an outright denial that anything physical happened?  

Yes, you have a right to be suspicious.  Yes you have a right to ask her about it.  But if you start making demands for a denial, you might just receive a lie to placate you.   And making demands may just be the thing which pushes her to take the route of divorce. 

I  suggest you work out the pros and cons of your approach.   Is this a hill you're willing to die on?

[SRCSRC]

It certainly looks like she has been cheating on you.  Having gone through this crap, I would flat out tell her she cheated on you and you are going to see a lawyer.  If she wants to save the marriage, tell her she must come clean NOW.  Tell her that you will demand that any  denial will be the subject of a polygraph.  She must give you a written timeline of the affair, including how many times they did it.   Like I said, I played the wondering and investigative game for months.  Never again.  I should have blown everything up immediately.  You should too.  If you have enough, and you certainly do, strike now and get it all out there.  Do not tolerate her lies.  That is as bad as the affair.  BTW, after a fake reconciliation, we finally divorced.  Best thing I ever did.  

Edited November 10, 2021 by SRCSRC

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, RoyMunson said:

 She said he’s taking a new job and is moving out of town so they won’t be hanging out anymore.

Get your ducks in a row now.
Protect your assets as best you can.
She may have plans to move out of town with him.
Depending on his situation he may or may not be happy to let her come with him
Do you know anything about him? Is he single or attached? Kids?
An honest decent sort, or the office Lothario?

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, RoyMunson said:

. I certainly know I have accountability for how our marriage soured over the years.

In what way?

[Stret]

If you feel you want to know the truth and cannot stop thinking about it then ask her about it but in a smart way. Ask her about him and if she was having an affair, or emotional affair. Then ask her if she's ever been meeting him in his house. Catch her lying. If she hasn't cheated she will not have the need to lie about being at his house. Or maybe she will lie just not to raise unnecessary doubts. Or maybe she was not there alone but there were other people from work. 

Ask her to give you the phone when you confront her. If she has nothing to hide she will. 

You could also try and open up to her and tell her about how you feel about it and how it has hurt you. Looks like you are very closed. 

 

[Allupinnit]

Wait.  She's been going on dates with this guy for weeks, they spend all day together at work, and NOW she's also going to his house by herself, and you're wondering if she's having an affair?

Come on man you weren't born yesterday.  Of course she's having an affair.  She isn't even hiding it from you.  Going out as a group for HH is one thing, but first it starts with 1:1 lunches, then progresses to drinks after work, this his how affairs start!  We're all adults here.  You know exactly what's going on.  I'm married and I'd feel TOTALLY WEIRD going to another man's house by myself "to confide in each other" LOL.

It is said that often when you start to suspect something, it's way worse than you've even started to imagine.  

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Of course she's having an affair.  She isn't even hiding it from you.

He actually gave his consent. 

3 hours ago, RoyMunson said:

She mentioned a male co-worker that had asked her to get a drink after work.  She asked me if I would be ok with it and I said sure.

Sorry friend, if she has made an appointment with a divorce lawyer, her intention is pretty clear. I would save the money you are spending on marriage counselling and put toward the legal fees. 

[mark clemson]

You can ask for all sorts of things. From everything I read on this site you're most likely going to get denials or maybe partial admissions.

Consider doing some additional research - for example, you could consider asking her parents if she really was with them on the dates she said she was. If she wasn't, the question becomes - why did she feel the need to lie?

I agree with others this doesn't look good. Speaking generally, while I believe opposite sex friendships and even light flirting are not really an issue in a marriage, going out on dates late at night requires some "monitoring".

IF you or she decides to divorce, it's possible that court-admissible evidence of an affair could impact a divorce settlement. This will vary by jurisdiction and so would be a question for a local lawyer. Be aware that in the US many family/divorce attorneys will give free 1/2 hour consults. If it comes to it, you can visit several and get some of your initial questions answered for free + shop around to see if you like any of them.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed, do you honestly think your wife would be so passive as you have been?

She is totally disrespecting you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[Blind-Sided]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately it's not looking good. Most likely something is going on but cheaters are liars so you'll never know the whole truth.

Worse than that... they will try to find ways to make you the "Bad guy" to justify what they are doing to you and the family.

With what you are saying... it's time to just contact a lawyer yourself. (sorry)   She has already set the wheels in motion, and seeing a councilor won't really change what she wants to do.  To be honest, it's just going to be another way for her to justify things.  She can now say... "I wanted to go to counseling, but it didn't help"  Also... since she has gone from normal phone habits... to guarding her phone... there is a "Truth" that she doesn't want you to see. 

I'm sorry you are here, but it's time to consider getting ready to move on.

[BetrayedDad]

Based on my experience, she has absolutely been cheating on you.  Now she has called a divorce attorney “just in case”.  She is going through counseling solely for appearances.  I wouldn’t even bother asking her if she cheated.  You know she did (your gut doesn’t lie) and she’ll never tell you the truth anyway.  Phone guarding...classic cheating behavior.  Get a lawyer and start the divorce process.  Sorry to be so blunt and very sorry you’re going through this.  I made a similar mistake by trusting my wife with a friend and it led to them having a long term affair and the end of our 18-year marriage.  I am admittedly very biased, but this one sounds like a no-brainer.  Again, I’m very sorry you’re going through this.

[DaisyFlor]

On 11/10/2021 at 11:30 AM, RoyMunson said:

I’ve been married for about 8 years.  The last few years have been rough as we dealt with the stress of kids, work, pandemic..our marriage has suffered.  We’re rarely affectionate and argue often.  We had mentioned about the possibility of a separation or divorce but never formally.

 

When did this happen? One doesn't just casually talk about divorce like if you're discussing "what's for dinner" . What came of this conversation? Why was this discussed and what came of it. So things were not good, neither of you discussed it or did anything about it further? 

The counseling is only so she can say she tried. She is already out the door. Why don't you want the divorce? Is it financial, is it kids, obligation, afraid to be single. If you're rarely affectionate and all  you do is argue. Why do you want to stay in this marriage?

Edited November 20, 2021 by DaisyFlor

[BreakOnThrough]

Honestly, the second you HAD to put the iPad in the car, it was over, the trust has already eroded to the point where it won't come back.  Sure, you may be able to build back on a fragile structure, but things will never be the same.  It's really best to move on at this point, get your proof for the divorce and think in legal terms now, it's the only viable way forward.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Roy, most folks have suggested that your wife is having an affair and considering the evidence it seems that is a fact. You have to ask yourself whether you really want to save your marriage. Introspect on that possibility and find reasons why you want to save it. If you do decide to save it then the problems which led up to this situation will have to be addressed. Both you and your wife will have to work on it. The old marriage is already dead. Your new one will have to be affair proof. I would think you also have to get your wife's opinion on whether she wants to save the marriage too!

You will need to sit down and have a serious and in depth talk with her about what she wants. It takes two to tango. You may want to save the marriage but she may not. So be clear on what both of you want and start from there. Warm regards.

Edited November 28, 2021 by Just a Guy