I want to stay, but probably unrealistic

[Cheatedon2x]

father of 4 (54).  Got divorced in 2009 after my wife had an affair, and wasn't; in a place to try to work on anything.  Her head was somewhere else.  I got custody of my 4 kids, and raised them.  2 were 6, and the other two 11 and 12.  Shortly after I met or connected with a high school alum two years younger than me.  I didn't know her, but I fell in love with her very slowly and cautiously. I know what people are going to say already- boy are you stupid- but here goes.  She had told me that she had dated her husband through all of high school and college, never partied and was the valedictorian.  All true.  She then told me in a round about convoluted way that she got divorced because her husband worked too much, and didn't have any time for her....She had gone away to a family reunion(his side) and her husband got drunk and went to bed.  She hung out with his cousins etc...Next dy someone has to drive a cousin to the airport, and she gets elected.  Husband too drunk.  Have conversation, etc, and "a hug goodbye was not just a hug"  She felt something.  (I already feel so finG stupid).  She continues a phone relationship with him, her husband taps the phones and hears a lot of sex talk and they divorce.  SHE ENDS UP dating him, him living in her house for 10 plus years with her 2 little kids a mile from her ex.  Horrid story, unless you met her.  So sweet, so kind, compassionate, honest...well, maybe not.  

I took it slow.  I had been through an ugly divorce.  Very ugly, and she both helped me and watched my ex abuse everyone.  We vowed to be faithful, but not marry.  I gave her a ring, as a promise to stay together.  She fell in love quickly.  We had a great relationship for 5 years.  I had dated a lot, been married etc, and when I say this relationship was the best I mean by a MILE.  Many miles.  after 5 years, She took a new job and worked over 100 hours some weeks, traveling up to 5 days a week, and the relationship cooled, but it was still great and I knew I could always count on her.  She was supposed to move in permanently but never did.  Always an excuse, when this one goes to school, when that one goes, etc.  She did stay over a lot, but this always bothered me.

My kids adored her, but my oldest girl started to get jealous and try to get her in trouble with me constantly.  There was always a rub.  It grew into a huge problem so when my daughter graduated college and moved home, she left and went to her beach house an hour and a half away.  recipe for disaster.  she worked a lot and i visited when i could.  She rarely came home.  We have been together almost 12 years now, and with th twins going off to college I believed it was OUR Time!  Finally.  I asked her to go away for her birthday in sept, she didn't want to.  She has been starting fight constantly for a few months at least, and acting different.  I had a scheduled trip to go on, she started a GIANT fight right before I left.  While I was gone all i could think about was her.  Isn't her messages but she never replied.  She sent me a message "I need to get coats from your house when are you coming back". She also texted my son, my best friend's wife, my mom and another friend "when is he coming back" but never asked me.  I didn't know any of this but got intuition when I was away and immediately came home.  I drove to her house and she said this relationship has to end.  I said I respect that, but I came here to look you in the eye and ask is there another guy.  Her reply "not on that level", then she started spewing a bunch of stuff about meeting a lot of people and "get a lie detector test".  I said no need for that, just go get me your phone.  Her reply "Im not going to do that it would break your heart"  We talked for a couple hours, she screamed and yelled and deflected from the elephant in the room as much as she could.  I stayed calm and when about to leave I said, its been 11 1/2 years, I think you owe me the truth about the guy.  she stared into space, her eyes welled up with tears and she said "i don't want this to be my legacy" and stopped.  I said like because you did this before?  She acted confused and started talking about a ton of other rubbish  I redirected her and she pretended to not remember saying it.  she asked me to leave, and I did.  A day or so later she sent me a text "I did nothing wrong and I am tired of your insinuations, they are further dividing us".  I said you admitted it.  She is disagreeing.  I have been sick for weeks.  I have lost 17 pounds, had cardiac irregularities, can't sleep...just really sick.  I trusted her to the ends of the earth.  She won't call, text, or reply.  when there has been any communication she Is trying to say I was rude for many years and she's angry with me. Also says I am trying to make this about a guy, and it isn't it is about how much I suck.  Funny she just wrote me a long email about "what a great man you are" a few months ago...She says she Needs time to sort it out............THOUGHTS

Edited November 11, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Cheatedon2x said:

 I drove to her house and she said this relationship has to end.  

Yes end it.  Who needs all this drama? Focus on your kids and why they're acting out. Could be the drama.

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Ask your people to stop talking to her.

[vla1120]

15 hours ago, Cheatedon2x said:

Her reply "Im not going to do that it would break your heart"

That's all you need to know about the situation. 

15 hours ago, Cheatedon2x said:

She says she Needs time to sort it out............THOUGHTS

Tell her she has an eternity. 

[Cheatedon2x]

mods can you move this to infidelity?  thanks

 

[Cheatedon2x]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes end it.  Who needs all this drama? Focus on your kids and why they're acting out. Could be the drama.

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Ask your people to stop talking to her.

My kids are older, not acting out.  The drama is coming from her.  She was never dramatic.  Suddenly she's starting fights about stuff from 7 or 8 years ago, and other things that are worthless.  She has suddenly said she needs time to process this anger, and has cut me off entirely.  I am a mess, honestly.  I trusted her more than anyone in the world.  Took care of her, and loved her faithfully.  I know she had some issues with my daughter, but opportunity often = bad choices  All alone in a beach town, going out with friends and neighbors drinking....yuck.  I feel like im in for a solid two years of sadness and a lifetime of not trusting a soul.  Im broken

[Confused48]

She is doing what is called, "Rewriting history."  Trying to justify her behavior by making what was a happy healthy relationship into a nightmare in retrospect. I'm not saying she is consciously lying to you. Cheaters lie to themselves and believe their own lies. That is why they can be so convincing. Mine had me totally thinking that the affair was all my fault. 

At least she is not begging you to take her back. Her still being in the infatuation phase with her new guy will make this at least a tiny bit easier for you. The best thing you can do is go No Contact and her being infatuated with a new guy makes that easier.  There are very specific instructions here on LS on how to do this, so look into that if you want but the short version is this: just don't have any contact with her. Don't text her. Don't check her out on social media. Do block her from texting you. Do block her from calling you. Do call a lawyer and get a restraining order if she keeps trying to contact you after you told her not too. 

Also, do get ready for her to beg you to take her back. I'm not saying that will happen for sure but it is very common. You need to be aware of that and know ahead of time that, in some cases, the cheater will say and do whatever they can to get you to take them back. Again, they believe their own lies so she will be VERY convincing. If she does this.

Don't believe a word of it. You know now who she is and what she is capable of. Don't go back there.

She cheated before she was with you. She cheated on you. She is what is called a serial cheater. I've never heard of a serial cheater changing their ways. 

Edited November 11, 2021 by Confused48

[Cheatedon2x]

3 hours ago, Confused48 said:

She is doing what is called, "Rewriting history."  Trying to justify her behavior by making what was a happy healthy relationship into a nightmare in retrospect. I'm not saying she is consciously lying to you. Cheaters lie to themselves and believe their own lies. That is why they can be so convincing. Mine had me totally thinking that the affair was all my fault. 

At least she is not begging you to take her back. Her still being in the infatuation phase with her new guy will make this at least a tiny bit easier for you. The best thing you can do is go No Contact and her being infatuated with a new guy makes that easier.  There are very specific instructions here on LS on how to do this, so look into that if you want but the short version is this: just don't have any contact with her. Don't text her. Don't check her out on social media. Do block her from texting you. Do block her from calling you. Do call a lawyer and get a restraining order if she keeps trying to contact you after you told her not too. 

Also, do get ready for her to beg you to take her back. I'm not saying that will happen for sure but it is very common. You need to be aware of that and know ahead of time that, in some cases, the cheater will say and do whatever they can to get you to take them back. Again, they believe their own lies so she will be VERY convincing. If she does this.

Don't believe a word of it. You know now who she is and what she is capable of. Don't go back there.

She cheated before she was with you. She cheated on you. She is what is called a serial cheater. I've never heard of a serial cheater changing their ways. 

This is great.  thanks for taking the time.  I should say the hardest part for me is I want the truth.  Anyone reading this, myself included, I think comes to the same conclusion, that's she's with someone else, and in 'love" but she's gone from there's a guy but 'not on that level' to denying there's a guy at all.  I just want her to say it. I do love her, and realize that has to end and that is hard.  I can't sleep, eat etc.  the divorce diet.  Last time I lost 24 pounds.  Ive already dropped 18.  I feel like I need the truth, and I need a way to get it.  Apple, cell phone, tech hack, confession, PI....I don't know...something, so I can KNOW my decision to move on is the right one.

[basil67]

The problem with wanting the truth is that you will never know if what you are being told is the truth.  All in all though, it sounds like either way, she's done - so you need to focus on the future instead of the past.

Out of curiosity, has your daughter moved on from the jealousy and troublemaking?   If your (ex) partner can't be assured of a welcoming reception from your daughter when she's around, it's quite reasonable to end the relationship.   

[Cheatedon2x]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

The problem with wanting the truth is that you will never know if what you are being told is the truth.  All in all though, it sounds like either way, she's done - so you need to focus on the future instead of the past.

Out of curiosity, has your daughter moved on from the jealousy and troublemaking?   If your (ex) partner can't be assured of a welcoming reception from your daughter when she's around, it's quite reasonable to end the relationship.   

My daughter moved out in Late August.  I expected my GF to move home.  She is much better but there is animosity there.  I raised my 4 kids but put the last two in college this sept, and was ready for US time.  Thats not coming

I agree 100% if the dynamic sucks, its plenty of reason for her to move on- but she didn't have to cheat and ruin others to do that.

[basil67]

Sounds like she should have pulled the plug on the whole thing way back when she decided to move away.   TBH, her moving far away was a pretty big red flag which both of you missed.

[Confused48]

18 minutes ago, Cheatedon2x said:

This is great.  thanks for taking the time.  I should say the hardest part for me is I want the truth.  Anyone reading this, myself included, I think comes to the same conclusion, that's she's with someone else, and in 'love" but she's gone from there's a guy but 'not on that level' to denying there's a guy at all.  I just want her to say it. I do love her, and realize that has to end and that is hard.  I can't sleep, eat etc.  the divorce diet.  Last time I lost 24 pounds.  Ive already dropped 18.  I feel like I need the truth, and I need a way to get it.  Apple, cell phone, tech hack, confession, PI....I don't know...something, so I can KNOW my decision to move on is the right one.

You are not alone in having this particular problem. Lots of us, me included, wanted the truth. To confirm that we are not crazy. To just make them confess, as the least they could do after all. 

It is a really bad rabbit hole to go down. They don't care anymore about what you want. The attempt to get the truth by extraordinary means, like tech hack, they will just prolong your pain. You know she is a serial cheater. You should know that leaving her is the only option. Once you take the steps needed to make that happen, I'm 99% sure you will stop needing a confession or hard proof. You will start to not care.  

[Cheatedon2x]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Sounds like she should have pulled the plug on the whole thing way back when she decided to move away.   TBH, her moving far away was a pretty big red flag which both of you missed.

I definitely didn't miss it.

[basil67]

Perhaps I should change my comment to something about 'not acting on it'  

[Cheatedon2x]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Perhaps I should change my comment to something about 'not acting on it'  

Not really anything I could do.  I still had three of my four kids living at home.  16 year old twins that I had to be here for.  I knew if she went out to bars it would end like this but I couldn't exactly prevent that.  She has a wild neighbor lady and finally gave in.

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, Cheatedon2x said:

Not really anything I could do.  I still had three of my four kids living at home.  16 year old twins that I had to be here for.  I knew if she went out to bars it would end like this but I couldn't exactly prevent that.  She has a wild neighbor lady and finally gave in.

Sorry, I was unclear.  I meant that you could have ended it back then.   Even without the bars, if a partner chooses to move that far away from you, it's pretty much signalling a death knell for the relationship. 

Edited November 12, 2021 by basil67

[Cheatedon2x]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

I meant that you could have ended it back then.   Even without the bars, if a partner chooses to move that far away from you, it's pretty much signalling a death knell for the relationship. 

I loved her.  More than anyone before her.  It was different in a very good way and I wanted forever. And I trusted her obviously way too much.  I could have cut her loose, but I wanted to get to "US" time. No kids, and it seemed attainable.  We were so close.  I think she started 4-6 months ago, but I'll never know.

 

truth be told, I'm only four days out from questioning her, and a month out from suspecting.  I am a total mess.  Cry, rage, shake, can't sleep, can't think.  I just want to fix everything.  My life feels upside down.

 

Edited November 12, 2021 by Cheatedon2x
additional info

[mark clemson]

It sounds like it was over whether or not she cheated - a relationship on it's last sputters of life or possibly her keeping you around as a plan B just for a while.

"Closure" is nice, but it eventually comes from within, once you've fully processed the breakup (It can take a lot longer than we'd like, but you'll get there eventually.)

So IMO just take a break to get grounded and (eventually) move on. A multi-year R, so certainly non-trivial, but you'll get to the point where you can move on emotionally eventually. You have your kids to be with so that's positive in the meantime.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, mark clemson said:

It sounds like it was over whether or not she cheated 

Agree. Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

While break-ups and heartaches hurt, your self neglect and obsessions and depression is not good when you have kids to worry about.

[Cheatedon2x]

I have been to my doc.  I have been having some crazy heart beats so I got checked for issues there.  I also got tested for STDs, and got some meds to sleep, which don't work.  I go to bed at ten and get up at anywhere between 12 and 3 and usually just get in the car and drive around for several hours. I come home at 4-6 am tired and sleep for an hour or two then try to figure out how to spend my day.  I was looking at jobs and volunteer positions and made two calls yesterday.  Worst timing in the world.  My twins just left for college leaving me alone for the first time in 35 years- then add this on top of it.  I'm just really really sad.  And angry.  I want to talk to her, I want to be heard, and I'm cut off entirely. My best friend gone overnight.  Like a death, and in some ways harder.  (I have lived through both)  I think after this I will never trust anyone again and that breaks my heart.  It took so much and so long for me to let go with her and be all in and trust, and she absolutely broke me.

Thanks for any encouragement..

[glows]

She said you were rude for many years. Although you may refute that or disagree that's what she thinks and her heart isn't in it anymore. It was a bit intimidating of you to show up to her home and demand an answer about whether there is someone else. When someone doesn't want to be with you, take it for what it is. She tried to do the basic fade out and avoid you which was cowardly. Some questions do not need answers such as the cheating. You also demanded to see her phone which is out of line. I'm not saying this to kick you when you're down but stay away from her and focus on your children. This could get much uglier. 

Is it possible that in light of your previous marriage ending, you didn't have enough time to recover or heal from the deception and lies.. you placed an inordinate amount of trust on someone you rarely saw and you both seemed to have different ideas about your relationship. You wanted her to move in with you. She was evading this or not wanting to move in with you because of your relationship with your daughter and I'm guessing she didn't want to further complicate your relationships with your children. 

Edited November 12, 2021 by glows

[Cheatedon2x]

Just now, glows said:

She said you were rude for many years. Although you may refute that or disagree that's what she thinks and her heart isn't in it anymore. It was a bit intimidating of you to show up to her home and demand an answer about whether there is someone else. When someone doesn't want to be with you, take it for what it is. She tried to do the basic fade out and avoid you which was cowardly. Some questions do not need answers such as the cheating. You also demanded to see her phone which is out of line. I'm not saying this to kick you when you're down but stay away from her and focus on your children. This could get much uglier. 

Is it possible that in light of your previous marriage ending, you didn't have enough time to recover or heal from the deception and lies.. you placed an inordinate amount of trust on someone you rarely saw and you both seemed to have different ideas about your relationship. You wanted her to move in with you. She was evading this or not wanting to move in with you because of your relationship with your daughter and I'm guessing she didn't want to further complicate your relationships with your children. 

Thanks for the reply.  We were dating.  I went to her house at the beach all the time, and she came to my house whenever she wanted.  doors were never locked.  We got along great during our relationship, and she did live with me in the sense she stayed at my house every single night for years.  So no it wasn't putting trust in someone I rarely saw.  We raised a family together and worked very hard to do so.  together. Physically we connected like nothing else I have ever experienced and I am no prude. She never sold her house though and  wanted it to be permanent where we both owned the house.  I would have given her half.  but yes it was early morning straight from a trip i was coming home from.  She let me in and sat down next to me and we talked.  She was always sweet, and appropriate when angry.  In the recent past she had been starting fights literally out of nowhere.  

The last fight we had I walked into the laundry room first thing in the am and said excitedly "what are we going to do today"  She went off.  The day before had been her birthday and I was trying to make it a great birthday weekend.  I did not show up and "demand" anything. As someone in love, not really anticipating this but fearing the worst, I went to talk about these crazy unprovoked fights and how she escalates instants calling me names etc, just gets meaner and meaner.  This had never happened in the past.  She said this relationship isn't working, and I said I respect that, but I came to look you in the eye and ask, is there another guy involved?  She said "yes but not on that level"   You have to understand I was blown away.  I asked what does that mean, have you been physically intimate, she said no- then started getting loud saying "Ill take a lie detector test, anything you want".  i then said we don't have to do something that crazy just let me see your phone.  She said she wouldn't do that and when I asked why she said "because it will break your heart"  I Never demanded to see it, nor did I try to get it.  I was very respectful.  She ranted and raved about all kinds of things that didn't make sense to me about "I have been going out"  "I closed xyz bar" "I have new friends" It was like I was talking to a stranger. Finally, she asked me to leave.  I said ok, but I want to ask you again.  We have been in a relationship for 12 years I need an honest answer and I think I deserve it.  Is there another guy?  Set stared out the window, her eyes welled up and she said "I don't want this to be my legacy"

 

It is very possible I did not recover from my previous marriage.  I couldn't.  This woman was with me through all of the divorce proceedings which took years.  We were friends for a long time before I was in love with her.  She fell very quickly, like immediately.  I was honest with her that i wasn't in the same spot. My love grew slowly and it was deeper and more real to me than anything I have ever had, and that's why I am really messed up here. I still love her very much

[glows]

Thanks for adding more info. Stay single for awhile. It may be excruciating and painful at first but you'll be able to set yourself straight and think independently from what's happening between you and her. If she thinks the relationship is over, it is over. You aren't left with a choice so decide to put your life back together instead of hanging around waiting for someone who has made you an option instead of a priority. Love is fine but it's nothing much without compatibility and shared outlook. You both don't have the latter so let go of this and heal. 

I still don't think it was appropriate to ask to see her phone. We can agree to disagree. She showed you she isn't interested and then it is your turn to take stock and walk away. I get the feeling you're still looking for answers from her but I don't think those will come in a nice or neat package or letter or conversation. You'll be able to fill in the blanks on your own the greater the vast distance you put between yourself and this relationship. It's over so let it be. I hope the relationship with your daughter mends and you can put this behind you. Don't carry this cheating fear like a chip over your shoulder. 

[salparadise]

21 hours ago, Cheatedon2x said:

i then said we don't have to do something that crazy just let me see your phone.  She said she wouldn't do that and when I asked why she said "because it will break your heart" [...]  

We have been in a relationship for 12 years I need an honest answer and I think I deserve it.  Is there another guy?  Set stared out the window, her eyes welled up and she said "I don't want this to be my legacy"

I"m sorry for what you're going through. A broken heart by betrayal can be so difficult to get through because your head and heart may be pulling in opposite directions. It takes time for that dissonance to resolve. Your rational mind thinks that facts or evidence will be key to resolution, but that's not accurate. Acceptance is key... this is what she did, this is who she is. Yes, you trusted her, opened your heart and gave her the ability to break it, and that's okay. It only means you're human and have the courage to love, not that you were foolish or wrong. I would encourage you to focus on simple acceptance of what is... that it's over, it's a difficult loss, it wasn't your choice/behavior, and that you will feel better with time. Be compassionate to yourself, no judgement, shame, or what-if type of thinking. It's just life turning a page. Go no-contact. It's important to maintain your dignity. What I quoted above is all you need to know; it's an admission even though she couldn't say it in so many words. Give yourself time to equilibrate, none of this mental torture is going to help. Talk to someone. We need to talk through it and say how we feel to someone who cares. Again, I'm sorry and hope you feel a little better each day.

[Cheatedon2x]

Just now, salparadise said:

I"m sorry for what you're going through. A broken heart by betrayal can be so difficult to get through because your head and heart may be pulling in opposite directions. It takes time for that dissonance to resolve. Your rational mind thinks that facts or evidence will be key to resolution, but that's not accurate. Acceptance is key... this is what she did, this is who she is. Yes, you trusted her, opened your heart and gave her the ability to break it, and that's okay. It only means you're human and have the courage to love, not that you were foolish or wrong. I would encourage you to focus on simple acceptance of what is... that it's over, it's a difficult loss, it wasn't your choice/behavior, and that you will feel better with time. Be compassionate to yourself, no judgement, shame, or what-if type of thinking. It's just life turning a page. Go no-contact. It's important to maintain your dignity. What I quoted above is all you need to know; it's an admission even though she couldn't say it in so many words. Give yourself time to equilibrate, none of this mental torture is going to help. Talk to someone. We need to talk through it and say how we feel to someone who cares. Again, I'm sorry and hope you feel a little better each day.

You know, there have been some thoughtful posts, but this one really hits on most of my true feelings and has some really good, although tough advice, like you know who I am(or more likely you've been in the same spot) I'm still going back and forth between just total disbelief, yes, wanting truth, wanting a hug, crying.  It was only a few weeks ago we were out for her birthday.  I knew something was wrong...Your quote of mine above-this is all you need to know is spot on.  I know in my heart she admitted it.  Twice.  She has since backpedaled only because she is afraid word will get out that she cheated again.  We went to high school together and know a lot of common people and friends. Yes, a difficult loss, as everything in my life has been tied to her for 12 years and much of it still is.  The what ifs, are really killing me.  Mainly, My daughter made it impossible for her to stay here once she graduated college, and I have a great deal of resentment toward my daughter that I will have to work on. I may never get through that honestly.  It was mean. I literally begged her for years using the example of "if you had a boyfriend that you told me was everything you ever wanted, and he treated you like gold, and every time he came over i made him feel just a little bit uncomfortable what do you think that would do to our relationship?  It only got worse- much worse until she finally left.  I didn't blame her, visited when I could and we really connected- but we were also disconnected by schedules and miles far too often.  I had a therapy session with her wednesday, which was an hour of her being very theatrical and making it sound like I never did much right, although only a few months ago she sent me an email telling me at length what a great man I am.  I'm just so confused. I did anything and everything for her. And I respected her. I have not contacted her since Wednesday, and it has been difficult. I am a fixer, and I like answers rather than a black hole.  I am going to see how the next two weeks play out, do we do counseling? meet to wrap it up? She still has stuff in my house.  More likely than not I guess I just start deleting her contact info and blocking her.  I can't even believe I am saying that.  I love her too much.  Gonna be gut wrenching. 

[salparadise]

12 hours ago, Cheatedon2x said:

I'm still going back and forth between just total disbelief, yes, wanting truth, wanting a hug, crying.  It was only a few weeks ago...

One thing I remember is the irony of having impulses to confide in in her as to how awful I felt, how painful it was. Then half a second later I realize, oh yea, that's the problem. She's gone and there is no one to confide in... she's the source.

12 hours ago, Cheatedon2x said:

My daughter made it impossible for her to stay here once she graduated college, and I have a great deal of resentment toward my daughter that I will have to work on. I may never get through that honestly.

There is an order of operations, or a hierarchy of priorities in a family. This is not something I am conjuring up- it's well accepted in the psych/sociology fields. The first priority is taking care of one's self, because you cannot be a good husband or father otherwise. This is akin to putting your own oxygen mask on first, as they instruct for airline emergencies. The second priority is your primary relationship with your significant other, for without this relationship you cannot maintain a healthy, happy home. The third priority is the home and overall family environment, for without this you cannon provide a healthy safe, secure situation in which to raise the children. The fourth priority is the children collectively –– that is all of the kids well-being as a group. The FIFTH priority is the individual children. Not that they are less important, but you can't allow one child to ruin the home environment that you maintain for the benefit of all the children.

So I'm sure you already see where I'm going with this... your daughter decided to undermine your spousal relationship, and this was way out of line. Now I understand that we may view our children as our #1 priority, and when dating we often have to put them first. However, what happened here was that she was allowed to graduate college, return home as an adult, and rule the roost so to speak, as if her distain for your spouse was more important than your primary relationship and the home environment. The proper response to this would have been, "you will respect my wife and our relationship, or it will be YOU who will have to leave." She was an adult with a college degree, so it would not have been unreasonable to issue that ultimatum. Some families let the kids know in advance that they are expected to be on their own and self-sustaining after graduating college. Perhaps the fact that your spouse was not the child's mother, and that you weren't legally married clouded the picture... but I don't think it should have. However....

My bet is that this was not the sole factor in the breakdown of the "marriage." Your spouse/girlfriend did not have the dedication and fortitude necessary to overcome some difficulty and maintain the relationship (reference the 1st paragraph of your original post). She left her first marriage because her husband worked too much. You began this with the knowledge that dedication was not her strong suite, and that she will externalize fault when she's ready to bail. 

I think that what you should be working on with a therapist is healing the rift (forgiving) your daughter, and accepting your responsibility for not shutting that down. I think your ex has already vacated for one, and playing the "choose me please" game is useless. 

 

Edited November 14, 2021 by salparadise