I want to stay, but probably unrealistic

[Cheatedon2x]

Just now, salparadise said:

One thing I remember is the irony of having impulses to confide in in her as to how awful I felt, how painful it was. Then half a second later I realize, oh yea, that's the problem. She's gone and there is no one to confide in... she's the source.

There is an order of operations, or a hierarchy of priorities in a family. This is not something I am conjuring up- it's well accepted in the psych/sociology fields. The first priority is taking care of one's self, because you cannot be a good husband or father otherwise. This is akin to putting your own oxygen mask on first, as they instruct for airline emergencies. The second priority is your primary relationship with your significant other, for without this relationship you cannot maintain a healthy, happy home. The third priority is the home and overall family environment, for without this you cannon provide a healthy safe, secure situation in which to raise the children. The fourth priority is the children collectively –– that is all of the kids well-being as a group. The FIFTH priority is the individual children. Not that they are less important, but you can't allow one child to ruin the home environment that you maintain for the benefit of all the children.

So I'm sure you already see where I'm going with this... your daughter decided to undermine your spousal relationship, and this was way out of line. Now I understand that we may view our children as our #1 priority, and when dating we often have to put them first. However, what happened here was that she was allowed to graduate college, return home as an adult, and rule the roost so to speak, as if her distain for your spouse was more important than your primary relationship and the home environment. The proper response to this would have been, "you will respect my wife and our relationship, or it will be YOU who will have to leave." She was an adult with a college degree, so it would not have been unreasonable to issue that ultimatum. Some families let the kids know in advance that they are expected to be on their own and self-sustaining after graduating college. Perhaps the fact that your spouse was not the child's mother, and that you weren't legally married clouded the picture... but I don't think it should have. However....

My bet is that this was not the sole factor in the breakdown of the "marriage." Your spouse/girlfriend did not have the dedication and fortitude necessary to overcome some difficulty and maintain the relationship (reference the 1st paragraph of your original post). She left her first marriage because her husband worked too much. You began this with the knowledge that dedication was not her strong suite, and that she will externalize fault when she's ready to bail. 

I think that what you should be working on with a therapist is healing the rift (forgiving) your daughter, and accepting your responsibility for not shutting that down. I think your ex has already vacated for one, and playing the "choose me please" game is useless. 

 

I wish you were my therapist, or someone I knew that I could call.  Your insight and advice are great, and appreciated.  I screwed up the hierachy.  No doubt and I regret that VERY very much. As a general rule, I made a conscious effort to put my kids first, above me, above SO, for years.  The guilt I had from getting divorced, and the way my ex cut ties with my older two immediately because "they weren't acting like she wanted to, made me feel a sense of "I am going to be the best Dad ever, and no other relationship will stand in the way"  The way I looked at it was I may have failed my marriage, but I was not going to fail my kids.  I changed my job, started a new company, and stayed at home every day.  I was the cook, the cleaner, laundry, rides, doctors, snow shoveling, landscaper, mower and on and on.  It had serious rewards and I think those years (5 post divorce) would have been some of the best of my life if not for constant BS from my Ex. My relationship with SO at that time was as close to perfect as I can imagine anything.  I can't imagine better.

I did try to reel my daughter in.  We had significant arguments(the only kid I have had several arguments with)  I told her she had to go.  Hardest thing I have ever had to say.  She left last summer to live with a boyfriend, but SO loves her beach house so she never came back anyway.  SO came back in the fall when my daughter was away for an extended period, but when daughter returned SO and I immediately had our worst argument ever.  My daughter had been away, at a place working on this very stuff that I sponsored. I wanted everyone to rally around her just a little or at least be accepting of her efforts.  She was excited to be home, and to work on her messed up relationships(brother and so).  First night home and she comes to sit at the dinner table we were sitting around telling stories(twins, SO and I).  SO ignores her.  Blatantly, for about 15 minutes or so, until she just walks away.  It was mind blowing, uncomfortable, and boy did it make me angry.  Later in the bedroom I let her know how upset I was.  This feeling, for me continued into the morning.  SO had a tooth surgery that I drove her to.  It was awkward and quiet.  I just kept thinking this relationship just isn't going to work.  A day or so later we had it out about this.  She almost never admits fault, and didn't.  it turned into how she had to have surgery and I was in a bad mood.  A couple days later feeling like this was doomed, and after arguing again and her doubling down and saying horrid things about my daughter, I over reacted in anger and impulsively packed her stuff and moved her out.  Something I will always regret, but I don't know, or didn't know, as a father what do you do here?  We are supposed to have a life together, Thanksgiving, Christmas, weddings, graduations- I just need mutual respect, and my SO was in my opinion acting wildly inappropriate again, making it impossible for this kid to succeed on any level. We had discussions over the coming days, and we put things back on track over time.  This fall I was planning on going away and planning our wedding.  We had made it- together, and I loved her for all she has given us, and for being her.  It really was OUR TIME.  Good news is I slept through the night, medicated but still the first night in over a month.  Bad news, I wake up every day shaking and terribly sad...beyond words sad.  She has become someone different.  She was a home body, that could party and have a good time occasionally.  She was a hometown, not pretentious in any way type of girl.  She's now closing bars, going to the finest restaurants, hanging out with surgeons and high brow people and going to cocktail parties in mansions... I have the money to do all this, but WE were just regular people.  Im still just so so sick and confused, but I will not beg.

Edited November 14, 2021 by Cheatedon2x
add context

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Cheatedon2x said:

We had significant arguments(the only kid I have had several arguments with)  I told her she had to go.  Hardest thing I have ever had to say.  She left last summer to live with a boyfriend, but SO loves her beach house so she never came back anyway.  SO came back in the fall when my daughter was away for an extended period, but when daughter returned SO and I immediately had our worst argument ever.  

If this woman caused a rift between you and your kids, be glad she's gone.

You're seeing that woman's true colors now.

However the pain of your divorce and family problems and estrangements is simply not being masked anymore.

Edited November 14, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Cheatedon2x]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

If this woman caused a rift between you and your kids, be glad she's gone.

You're seeing that woman's true colors now.

However the pain of your divorce and family problems and estrangements is simply not being masked anymore.

not sure what you mean by your third line  please explain

[Cheatedon2x]

On 11/11/2021 at 4:45 PM, basil67 said:

Sounds like she should have pulled the plug on the whole thing way back when she decided to move away.   TBH, her moving far away was a pretty big red flag which both of you missed.

You may be right.  I suggested she do it a couple years ago.  Told her she deserved better and that I agreed my daughter and her problems were very hard to deal with.  She made me feel like this was forever and she'd wait out the tough stuff.  In sickness.... you know.  If she just broke up with me I would understand and respect that.I would be devastated but I would have compassion and we would be friends forever.  I would hate it, but I'd continue to help her with anything forever, new husband, boyfriend, whatever.  Cheating is EVIL, lying is almost as bad, depending

[Acacia98]

I'm so sorry, @Cheatedon2x. It's so sad to read about what you've been through. It's sounds like you're still in shock. That would explain your palpitations, insomnia, etc. I want to suggest to to you, as others have done, that you don't need another admission from her that she was cheating on you. Later, when you have the capacity to, you'll look back on your relationship and notice additional little and not-so-little things that she said and did that indicated that all was not well and that your relationship wasn't in great shape. That will help you accept that the relationship is over and that it had to end.

There's a part of me that's wondering if there was more to your daughter's resentment of her. Perhaps your daughter knew or intuited something about your girlfriend that she wasn't able to tell you? It's just speculation, so I may be wrong, of course.

Edited November 15, 2021 by Acacia98

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Cheatedon2x said:

.  She made me feel like this was forever and she'd wait out the tough stuff.  In sickness.... you know.  

You were never married so no vows and no commitment.

Hopefully your daughter straightens out her life and heals from having this live-in GF antagonising her.

It's good your kids are reconnecting with their mother and extended family.

You as well could reach out and reconnect with friends and family.

 

Edited November 15, 2021 by Wiseman2

[S2B]

So this is who she really is. 
be glad you have a chance to eliminate her - and that you didn’t marry her.

she said she needs “time to process it” because she needed to see if the other guy was a sure thing before ending it forever from you.

She has really acted terribly and treated you poorly.

when anyone treats you that way - eliminate them. 

it may be heartbreaking… seeking professional guidance if you continue having trouble understanding the pain she’s caused.

learn to stop handing her all your power.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Cheated on, I am really very sorry to see you in this situation. You seem to be a very sensitive and genuine person. However, at the same time I am a bit surprised that you have allowed yourself to be placed in this situation considering that a) you have been cheated on in a previous relationship and as the saying goes "Once bitten twice shy"! Also b) you are by all accounts at least 45 yo or older. One should, by this age be worldly wise enough to be able to discern when someone is playing Russian Roulette with you. Also that by now you should be mature enough to be able to handle your feelings in such a situation. I do not understand why you are letting your feelings get the better of you like a teenager? As the father of teenagers and older children yourself, you should be in a position to give them sensible and mature advice yoursrlf , not display behaviour which you would expect them to display.

Your GF has proved she is unworthy of your love. Period. You need to see her for what she is in real life and not some fantasy version of her created by your imagination. Every moment you spend fretting over her is a moment too much and a complete waste of your time and energy. Involve yourself in proactive projects instead of moping around like a sheepish teenager lovesick over the loss of his first puppy love girlfriend. Treat this woman as 'Good riddance of bad rubbish' and forget about her. You have more important things to think about and do with your life. Like somebody said she is a serial cheater and likely will cheat on her new crush sooner or later! Leopards do not change their spots and like a chameleon she will keep changing her colours to camouflage her real nature to suit the guy she is trying to impress. However, a chameleon's colours are temporary and the true nature of the individual will reveal itself in time as she has done with you. Be thankful that you are rid of her and that she is the one who has orchestrated this. Warm regards.

 

 

[salparadise]

3 hours ago, S2B said:

she said she needs “time to process it” because she needed to see if the other guy was a sure thing before ending it forever from you.

I'm afraid this is probably true. I don't think you should be in therapy with her, giving your utmost sincerity, when she's playing for time to consolidate whatever it is with the other guy. Most likely she has attached to one of those surgeons or high-roller types using sex, and now she has to try and get him to think it's true love. In the meantime, she has you going to couples therapy and doing your best to save the so-called relationship. IOW, I suspect that she's being totally disingenuous with you, playing both ends at once. There is no point in being in therapy with her until/unless she is 100 percent committed... and that is probably water under the bridge at this point. Protect your dignity –– it's important. 

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, salparadise said:

I don't think you should be in therapy with her, 

Agree. She moved out, cheated and appears to be undermining your relationship with your kids, friends and family. 

So many betrayals on so many levels.

Stop going. Instead get a therapist in your own corner for yourself and ongoing support.

With that, heal the relationships with your kids, friends and family.

 

[Cheatedon2x]

Just now, Acacia98 said:

I'm so sorry, @Cheatedon2x. It's so sad to read about what you've been through. It's sounds like you're still in shock. That would explain your palpitations, insomnia, etc. I want to suggest to to you, as others have done, that you don't need another admission from her that she was cheating on you. Later, when you have the capacity to, you'll look back on your relationship and notice additional little and not-so-little things that she said and did that indicated that all was not well and that your relationship wasn't in great shape. That will help you accept that the relationship is over and that it had to end.

There's a part of me that's wondering if there was more to your daughter's resentment of her. Perhaps your daughter knew or intuited something about your girlfriend that she wasn't able to tell you? It's just speculation, so I may be wrong, of course.

I know you are right about looking back and seeing signs.  I already have.  That hurts.  My SO had some abandonment issues from some things she went through as a child. An only child with two nice hippie type(was the 60s/70s) people, but the Dad just left when she was pretty young, and eventually came back and raised her.  The parents remarried, and were inseparable round 2 until his untimely death at a young age. I have often felt like she wanted to have the same drama, break up, and come back together year(s) later.  Wouldn't work for me especially like this but I have felt this over time.

She was super clingy at first.  I Love affection more than most guys, but at times I felt smothered.  She was so great. Makes me cry to even write that, but anyway, I always felt like she was jealous of my oldest, who was my best friend. We did everything together before the divorce and she was amazing going through it.  My daughter LOVED SO and wanted me to be happy. She used to tell me Daddy marry her.  I was too afraid.  We all got along but there was this odd triangle that I tried to fight but when your 12yo is hurt from a divorce and her mom casting her aside and having zero relationship with her it was hard to just push her away, whether it be night time watching tv, where people sit at dinner, etc.. SO began to eventually show annoyance, and they had their passive aggressive fights behind my back.  SO never told me about any of it and says its because when she did, SO got in trouble.  I don't remember it ike that but perhaps that's exactly how I made her feel.Over the years the triangle got worse, both vying for my time and attention and me trying to do the best I could, again with the guilt of divorce and a woman I loved very much.

I believe, looking back, that my SO tested me on occasion- and I FAILED miserably.  Let me explain.  We never fought. Never never.  Best relationship ever.  Then when we did... after 5 or more fight free years, SO often went way too far.  She got personal.  As time passed it got more personal, until recently when she went to the most sacred places you go go. She would push every button until I popped. And when I popped Unfortunately I told her to get out.  For perspective, I gave her a promise/engagement ring six or so years ago. I laid with her, played some pre picked songs, and I cried my eyes out, and promised her the world, and I meant it.  I let go of years of pain and put my trust in her 1000%.  The very next night, she tested me.  I don't remember the topic, or how it started but she wouldn't stop even when I told her she was offending me and going too far. She was drunk, and I was blown away.  I sent her a lengthy email about this, and we almost called it quits because of that night.  I  was in shock.  So over the years there have been some misinterpretations of feelings, fights that have escalated for no reason, and when I keep getting backed into a corner, my go to has been if you don't like it get the F out.  I never called her a bad word in my life, but she calls me all sorts of things.

Sorry off topic-  My daughter went to college, and SO and I were home with just the twins.  NEVER an issue.  Life was great.  When my daughter would come home, IMMEDIATE tension, sometimes with me sometimes with SO, but always something.  When she finally graduated, she came home and made an immediate huge mess, SO left for RI, and daughter left for her boyfriends as her savior.  I was screwed. In the very beginning of covid...I'll stop here, the story is long and it sucks but I think I answered your questions

 

[Cheatedon2x]

Just now, salparadise said:

I'm afraid this is probably true. I don't think you should be in therapy with her, giving your utmost sincerity, when she's playing for time to consolidate whatever it is with the other guy. Most likely she has attached to one of those surgeons or high-roller types using sex, and now she has to try and get him to think it's true love. In the meantime, she has you going to couples therapy and doing your best to save the so-called relationship. IOW, I suspect that she's being totally disingenuous with you, playing both ends at once. There is no point in being in therapy with her until/unless she is 100 percent committed... and that is probably water under the bridge at this point. Protect your dignity –– it's important. 

I think you're right. We did one therapy just to get a sense of where she's at.  It was not very helpful and she's gone silent since(last wed) as have I

[Cheatedon2x]

Just now, Just a Guy said:

Hi Cheated on, I am really very sorry to see you in this situation. You seem to be a very sensitive and genuine person. However, at the same time I am a bit surprised that you have allowed yourself to be placed in this situation considering that a) you have been cheated on in a previous relationship and as the saying goes "Once bitten twice shy"! Also b) you are by all accounts at least 45 yo or older. One should, by this age be worldly wise enough to be able to discern when someone is playing Russian Roulette with you. Also that by now you should be mature enough to be able to handle your feelings in such a situation. I do not understand why you are letting your feelings get the better of you like a teenager? As the father of teenagers and older children yourself, you should be in a position to give them sensible and mature advice yoursrlf , not display behaviour which you would expect them to display.

Your GF has proved she is unworthy of your love. Period. You need to see her for what she is in real life and not some fantasy version of her created by your imagination. Every moment you spend fretting over her is a moment too much and a complete waste of your time and energy. Involve yourself in proactive projects instead of moping around like a sheepish teenager lovesick over the loss of his first puppy love girlfriend. Treat this woman as 'Good riddance of bad rubbish' and forget about her. You have more important things to think about and do with your life. Like somebody said she is a serial cheater and likely will cheat on her new crush sooner or later! Leopards do not change their spots and like a chameleon she will keep changing her colours to camouflage her real nature to suit the guy she is trying to impress. However, a chameleon's colours are temporary and the true nature of the individual will reveal itself in time as she has done with you. Be thankful that you are rid of her and that she is the one who has orchestrated this. Warm regards.

 

 

Im 54, and my Dad always told me I was too sensitive.  Maybe he was right.  Heres the thing.  I did this before, at 42, with little kids.  I honestly was ok with the marriage ending, but felt much the same as I do today.  Scared, emotional, lost, sick, and honestly worthless and unlovable.  See my divorce, my EX took me to trial.  It lasted years, then she appealed, another year.  Every day I was afraid to open my mail, or my email.  I was afraid of where my kids would land and how they would function and develop. It was a very long gut wrenching process which my ex dragged out and was as mean as you could be up until about 6 months ago.  My SO lived this with me.  She helped me.  I confided in her, and she knows everything.  Now she's cheating, and saying things in arguments like "you don't have the balls to end this" and saying things about my ex wife and just going places no one should ever go.  She kept starting fights and pushing me to end this so it wasn't her doing, and so it looked better for her.  If Im too sensitive and handling it like a teenage kid, I guess that's just too bad.  I have been through a lot, far more than I can explain here and PTSD is real.  I am in shock(9) days out.  We made vows to no matter how bad things got- never cheat. And I BELIEVED her.

[S2B]

You think the relationship was perfect?

you’ve described her getting drunk, picking fights, being really mean and hitting you where it hurts.

that’s not perfect - that’s a lot of drama from a gal that’s mean.

why are you describing it as perfect when she was obviously full of drama and mean?

alao, why would you give a promise ring and not marry for another 6 years? That seems very childish (the promise ring).

looks like you dodged a bullet! Start being grateful you are no longer with her!

Edited November 15, 2021 by S2B

[Cheatedon2x]

7 hours ago, S2B said:

You think the relationship was perfect?

you’ve described her getting drunk, picking fights, being really mean and hitting you where it hurts.

that’s not perfect - that’s a lot of drama from a gal that’s mean.

why are you describing it as perfect when she was obviously full of drama and mean?

alao, why would you give a promise ring and not marry for another 6 years? That seems very childish (the promise ring).

looks like you dodged a bullet! Start being grateful you are no longer with her!

The relationship was perfect when it was perfect.  probably for 5-6 years.  She took a new job, and time for all of us slacked.  She was the least dramatic woman I had ever met.

things change.  I handled some things wrong.  I was not so in tune with her "abandonment issues" and it was like a catch 22.  She would feel close, get into arguments, get really mean and I would say "get out of my house"  Not all the time but happened a few times over the years.  Looking back though, on the night after I vowed to be with her forever and gave her a ring, she started a fight.  A big non-sensical fight.  Was that coincidence? Or were her abandonment fears tweaked by my getting so close and promising forever?  Therapists say probably triggered her.  But at the time Im just a simple guy, looking at this woman I love who I 24 hours ago poured my heart out to, who is being mean, and won't stop.  I told her you're making the biggest mistake of your life.  You're ruining us.  She kept going.  We recovered, but this pattern continued, and all the blame went on the guy who finally got upset- ME.

When we met, I was going through a terrible divorce.  My ex took me to trial, with witnesses, experts, etc.  It took 3 years.  I said clearly I will never be in that position again, but I will commit to you, and I did.  Nothing to do with being childish.

I go back and forth between feeling like I dodged a bullet and missing my girl a lot.  But sometimes I feel like I miss what used to be.  I do believe we could get there again, if she wasn't sexual....so.  Maybe Im lucky I dodged a bullet

[S2B]

The childish part was the promise ring - that is what a high school kid does.

look, she changed - you changed and now it’s over.

accept that you all changed. It was good until it was no longer good.

so it’s ended now and it’s time to move forward. You gotta live a little.

go spend time doing some hobbies you love. Go on vacation. Do some fun things.

don’t spend time dwelling on a woman that’s now mean to you and doesn’t plan her future with you as her priority.

Edited November 16, 2021 by S2B

[pepperbird2]

On 11/11/2021 at 9:03 PM, Cheatedon2x said:

Not really anything I could do.  I still had three of my four kids living at home.  16 year old twins that I had to be here for.  I knew if she went out to bars it would end like this but I couldn't exactly prevent that.  She has a wild neighbor lady and finally gave in.

I wouldn't be so quick to blame the neighbour lady. Your GF made her choices all on her own.

you sound like a nice guy-too nice to waste you time and stick around and  be hurt like this.

[Cheatedon2x]

9 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

I wouldn't be so quick to blame the neighbour lady. Your GF made her choices all on her own.

you sound like a nice guy-too nice to waste you time and stick around and  be hurt like this.

NOT the neighbors fault.  trying to rally and not feel like this but it really does feel completely shocking. And I cat just turn off my feelings.  When I do they will be snuffed out forever but it may take a little more time.  Very emotional day for me today.  I can be an emotional guy but hadn't really cried much, I did last nigh in bed and often today.  Maybe letting go? who know but it was a grind start to finish.  I drove into Boston for an appointment,  took me an hour and a half to get there.  The lady told me the appt is for 12/16.  can't lie, Got in my car and cried.  My head is just wrecked.  Went hunting to have something to keep my mind off it.  Forgot my arrows....still dizzy and weak and cognitively off.  Need more food, and I want closure 

[S2B]

She’s not who you thought she was.

get a professional to help you. You’ve given her ALL of YOUR power and you are out of balance.

seriously, call a therapist in your insurance. They will do it over FaceTime or zoom now. You need guidance to take YOUR power back!

stop handing it to a gal that has now mistreated you!

[S2B]

Spend all of your time rebuilding your relationship with your kids.

it’s obvious you prioritized her over them. So start making changes so that never ever happens again! Apologize to them for placing them lower on your priority list than her.

make sure you don’t contact her again. Counseling with her is out - she will just lie.

make sure all combined assets get divided ASAP!

[Cheatedon2x]

9 hours ago, S2B said:

Spend all of your time rebuilding your relationship with your kids.

it’s obvious you prioritized her over them. So start making changes so that never ever happens again! Apologize to them for placing them lower on your priority list than her.

make sure you don’t contact her again. Counseling with her is out - she will just lie.

make sure all combined assets get divided ASAP!

I never prioritized her over my kids.  She always felt second third or even fifth, and I told her day one that was how it was going to be for a while. Until we got to "our time" which was supposed to be starting 9/1.

We never married, so no dividing assets, no custody, no bs in that regard.

She hooked up with a 70 year old surgeon, who has the largest oceanfront estate in her RI beach town.  She thinks I don't know.  I have known for months. She Thinks no one knows.  Swears there's no other guy.  This relationship will ultimately not make her happy, as she is a home town girl, that likes to dress down, work outside and be her own person.  Not sip wine at cocktail parties, go on boats, go to Florida, wear bonnets etc.  

I want counseling with her for closure.  What I really want is a three day intensive, not some 45 minutes where she can lie and yell at me and I leave worse off. I have never been just cut off before.  She went from kind to starting all sorts of arguments, to escalating them to cutting me off and when we do have any contact she is so mean it takes me days to recover.  ***I feel I am owed a sit down, and an explanation that this is over and why, and a chance to express myself.  I can and will move on but the way this has played out -from she's my everything every day, to zero contact is honestlyand truly killing me. 

Edited November 18, 2021 by Cheatedon2x
clarify

[Wiseman2]

50 minutes ago, Cheatedon2x said:

This relationship will ultimately not make her happy.  What I really want is a three day intensive, not some 45 minutes where she can lie and yell at me and I leave worse off. 

Unfortunately you don't know if she'll be happy or not and  this sounds like schadenfreude or hopes that it falls apart and she comes back to you.

Closure  has already happened when she moved out, ended things and moved on.

Therapy is for repairing things, not "closure". "Closure is a myth and often the excuse to keep revisiting, rehashing and negotiating getting back together.

Sadly you are trying to hang on to a sinking ship, but you'll drown doing that.

Edited November 18, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Cheatedon2x]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you don't know if she'll be happy or not and  this sounds like schadenfreude or hopes that it falls apart and she comes back to you.

Closure  has already happened when she moved out, ended things and moved on.

Therapy is for repairing things, not "closure". "Closure is a myth and often the excuse to keep revisiting, rehashing and negotiating getting back together.

Sadly you are trying to hang on to a sinking ship, but you'll drown doing that.

You are probably right.  Your advice has been great and I appreciate it. I am holding on and holding out, not in the hopes of getting back together.  I have been holding out because I do want some truth.  I do feel like these 45 minute sessions she just starts talking and deflecting, doesn't stop and is never asked a tough question.  I figured the intensive, she couldn't hide and maybe we leave with grounds for a friendship down the road.  The ONLY reason for that being we raised our kids together for 12 years.  My kids love her and I am afraid to tell them and afraid she will lie to them, especially my so who she is very close with.  I am going to feel betrayed when he continues to be her friend, but that is his choice and I wouldn't interfere.  I do believe they need to know the truth without me just filling in blanks.  I do know a lot, and yes  have hired a couple PIs.  The shi* is real,, and its not stopping any time soon

[pepperbird2]

On 11/14/2021 at 8:28 PM, Cheatedon2x said:

You may be right.  I suggested she do it a couple years ago.  Told her she deserved better and that I agreed my daughter and her problems were very hard to deal with.  She made me feel like this was forever and she'd wait out the tough stuff.  In sickness.... you know.  If she just broke up with me I would understand and respect that.I would be devastated but I would have compassion and we would be friends forever.  I would hate it, but I'd continue to help her with anything forever, new husband, boyfriend, whatever.  Cheating is EVIL, lying is almost as bad, depending

I'm not trying to be mean when I say this, but it really sounds to me like you were wayyyyyy more invested in this than your SO was. I could be wrong, but I'm not seeing all that much commitment from her.

With respect to your children-if I had to guess, I;d say that in five years( or even less)< this woman will be will in your review mirror. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her- the "it met his cousin, it just sort of happened" about the situation is very telling.

Have you thought about spending some time on your own?

[Cheatedon2x]

I have thought a lot about spending time on my own.  i have had a lot of time to think about that- alone.  I was very emotional for a few weeks, she wouldn't respond to texts, so I stopped texting.  No calls, wouldn't let me visit.  Complete shut off after 12 years.  Mind blowing to me- AND here's the worst part.  She shows up at my house on thanksgiving out of the blue.  Comes in hands me a plant and hugs me like she knows I'm dying tomorrow.  Says we need to talk.  We talk and she says I was supposed to come here and tell you I don't love you any more and that its over forever. I can't do that. She said I do love you and I think there is a path forward!!!  WTF?!  We hugged, we kissed, it was so strange.  Then I asked about the guy that "didn't exist" and she said I guess we're dating?!?!  WTFFFFF? So I said so you're intimate? She says no we kissed but that's when I knew it wasn't romantic.  "we go to dinner, he is someone to talk to but he's old"  (but we're dating??? holy mind F)She left shortly after.  All day all I could think about was that she flat out played me.  I tried to call her at the end o the day and she decided it was a good time to scream at me again about non sense.  I wrote an email the next am to her and the OM and sent it, and blocked her on everything going forward.  That was 11/27, and there has been zero contact since.  I have stopped being emotional, and go between I fuc*** hate her and I love her and everything in between.  For me and the way my brain works it is just stuck on the fact that I trusted her implicitly, we were "in love" or so I thought, coming off a fantastic summer together of fun, closeness, dates, parties, etc...and she just asked me to leave her house, said I'll call you in an hour and it was over forever. No contact. Mind blowing, VERY hard to take, hard to understand, makes you mad, sad, feel worthless, deceived, played, shi* on, etc...  At some point every day I say out loud I just can't F ing believe it.  Not her.  I don't want to start over at 55 and I will not trust anyone for a long time if ever.  I had my life kind of planned, and that's a normal thing to feel pretty beaten down when it falls apart, but I'm surviving.Thx for the support and A** beatings, all helped so far.

Edited December 16, 2021 by Cheatedon2x
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