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Would you move from a city you love/job you like for love?

stella

By stella,
in Long-Distance Relationships

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Alpacalia

Alpacalia

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Hypothetically, yes.

With the possibility that we could move back if either one of us disliked said geographical location.

Edited by Alpaca
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basil67

basil67

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I would follow my husband to the end of the earth if he was transferred - but the important part of this is that we're well and truly established as a team.   

But if it had been early days, I wouldn't uproot myself for someone who I wasn't well and truly established with.

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Angelle

Angelle

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I was moved around a lot, so I would only do it if we were a well established as a team, and if it was either important, or something we both really wanted. 

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Indigo Night

Indigo Night

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I did.  We've been together 23 years now.  It was well worth taking the chance, for me. When I first moved I understood that things may not work out, so I had a backup plan just in case.

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basil67

basil67

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6 hours ago, basil67 said:

I would follow my husband to the end of the earth if he was transferred - but the important part of this is that we're well and truly established as a team.   

But if it had been early days, I wouldn't uproot myself for someone who I wasn't well and truly established with.

I should add a bit more:  If it was early days AND I felt that we had a good chance of a future together, I'd be more likely to uproot myself if we were going somewhere that I really wanted to live.    If there's beach or skiing, there's a much higher chance.   If it's a place of low employment and poor facilities, not so much.

 

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Wiseman2

Wiseman2

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10 hours ago, stella said:

If you are not sure about the answer, would that mean that you are not sure about your feeling for the other person?

How long have you been long distance? If you are not married and there's no commitment, there's no reason to move to him. 

Particularly if you have a crush on someone local and moving would just breed resentment.

Why not just end things? It's not working out, you have different plans and goals. 

Free yourselves from this so you can both be happy in your respective jobs/cities and pursue local compatible people.

Love is not about how much distress and hardship you're willing to endure. Your relationship has run its course and was effectively over when he moved away without you.

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chillii

chillii

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Have you been together long bc if you have but your still not sure about how you feel about him and him you , then to my mind that's the no 1 thing for you to work out first.

But if there's no doubt of your love and feelings for ea other then yeah, l'd leave and move if there was no other way.

Edited by chillii
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stella

stella

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6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been long distance? If you are not married and there's no commitment, there's no reason to move to him. 

Particularly if you have a crush on someone local and moving would just breed resentment.

Why not just end things? It's not working out, you have different plans and goals. 

Free yourselves from this so you can both be happy in your respective jobs/cities and pursue local compatible people.

Love is not about how much distress and hardship you're willing to endure. Your relationship has run its course and was effectively over when he moved away without you.

We have been more than 3 years long distance now. It basically started long distance because of our jobs. 4 months ago I left my previous job (because my contract was temporary) and got a new one in a new place - but not where he lives, which is the town we are originally from. He always told he would be up for moving, even internationally (this move needed us to be married to move together). I think things got colder one year ago when I told openly I wanted something more, better, for something more (like getting married) I would have moved mostly wherever he wanted, even hometown as a starting point, and then we would have planned the future. But that was not an option at the time for him, he needed more time. One year is probably very long.

When I moved to this new place the only thing we agreed was I would get one year here, then go back, and eventually start from there. Now, I have the possibility to extend my contract, and when I told him, he was really upset I would even consider it. He also added he was ready to propose soon etc. But at that point my head was just extremely under pressure for the whole situation. 

And this is it. We will see each other in 10 days and talk all this over.

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Wiseman2

Wiseman2

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46 minutes ago, stella said:

I have the possibility to extend my contract, and when I told him, he was really upset I would even consider it. He also added he was ready to propose soon etc.

But he hasn't in all this time so does it feel forced?

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stella

stella

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10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

But he hasn't in all this time so does it feel forced?

I don't know, that's something I want to ask him when we meet. To me, honestly, it didn't feel forced. At the same time, very bad timing to say it.

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glows

glows

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Posted (edited)

Are you thinking of marriage because it seems like the next logical step or do you actually want to be married to this man? Don't move until you're sure about a lifetime with him. It sounds like you've been long distance the whole duration of the relationship so have a plan B if things go south. 

I wouldn't marry anyone or live with anyone for that matter unless there is considerable time spent in person. If you have doubts, err on the side of caution. It may be a natural fork in the road and you pursuing better options with your career where you are.

Edited by glows
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Lotsgoingon

Lotsgoingon

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Don't move to solve any problems of the relationship. And don't move because of pressure. If you like your job and wanna extend your time, you want someone who will acknowledge what you're feeling, even if they want you to be nearer. 

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stella

stella

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2 hours ago, glows said:

Are you thinking of marriage because it seems like the next logical step or do you actually want to be married to this man? Don't move until you're sure about a lifetime with him. It sounds like you've been long distance the whole duration of the relationship so have a plan B if things go south. 

I wouldn't marry anyone or live with anyone for that matter unless there is considerable time spent in person. If you have doubts, err on the side of caution. It may be a natural fork in the road and you pursuing better options with your career where you are.

One year ago I was sure about marrying him, even if we have been long distance I would have said yes, I would have committed without any doubt. He brought up what you are saying, that he needed some time spent together. I think I never understood completely his point of view, and gave him 3 months between my two jobs (when I actually went to live with him). Maybe I should had respected more his need of time, and kept my feelings alive (without thinking that it wouldn't happen anyway). Sometimes, I think that if we had decided to get married before this job offer, I wouldn't have accepted it.

You all are really being nice to me, and giving thoughtful insights. Thank you!

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glows

glows

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It's a high chance of disaster moving to be with someone and marrying someone you haven't known or dated a great deal in person. 

An alternative might be to accept an advance in your career/promotion or similar with the option to work remotely, find a place of your own near his town, live separate (NOT together) and date within the same locale as a regular couple. Don't make any moves if you're short on cash or aren't prepared to do so on your own terms. Lower your risks and make sure you can reverse what you've done if it doesn't work out.

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Lotsgoingon

Lotsgoingon

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Trust that doubt you're feeling. It can be the hardest thing in the world to accept that doubt--and not push it aside. But that doubt is there for a reason. 

Something may not feel right. Basically no rush ... no need to make any dramatic moves. And let yourself consider that your feelings may have shifted, and that's fine.

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jspice

jspice

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Love always deserves a chance. 
Doubts don’t always mean you shouldn’t do it. Starting a life with someone, making a big change in location, thinking about marriage … these are all big decisions. If you’re not at least a little nervous, you’re crazy. 
 

It doesn’t mean it is absolutely the right decision either. It just means you need to think about it carefully, but have faith. 
 

 

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ajequals

ajequals

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I guess it depends on the time spent together I personally moved for love and prospered greatly because of the place  and the woman . sometimes change is the best thing you can do. 

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dramafreezone

dramafreezone

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No.  I can't imagine that whoever I'm dating would be earning more than me, so why would I move? 

Later on, if we were married or on the way towards marriage, and we determined that moving would be the best move for my career, then we would make that decision together.  But I cannot imagine a scenario where I'm giving up my career to move to her.  It'd have to be an incredibly good reason for me to give up my position at my current company.  "Love" isn't good enough. 

A marriage is not just about love, it's about creating a life together, and career is a huge part of that life, as it helps pave the way for your children and your retirement.

IMO, whoever has the strongest career prospects should have the final word on where they live, though of course the other has a strong voice and should be on board with any major changes.  I definitely believe that a couple needs a leader.

Edited by dramafreezone
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  • 2 weeks later...
Prudence V

Prudence V

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On 11/11/2021 at 11:03 PM, stella said:

Would you move from a city you love/job you like for love?

I did. We wanted to be together and, at the time, it made most sense for me to move. 
 

I now have a job I like even more, but it did take a while to get it. The place, though - it’s very pretty, but the weather, the racism, the parochialism, the government corruption… not sure how much more I can stand, TBH. We often talk about moving back to my home country, and once the pandemic is over, we might look into that more seriously. 
 

It was a tough decision at the time, but after 3+ years of LDR, we really were ready to make big sacrifices to be together. If you’re not sure about moving, that’s not necessarily  a sign of feeling unsure about your feelings. It could just be a realism about what you’d be giving up by moving. 

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Uruktopi

Uruktopi

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I didi it.

For reasons too long to detail, there previously was a long time when I travelled to be with her for three days a week instead of moving.

We finally moved together at her city. The best years of my life.

Came back to my city and a new house when cancer take her from me.

I would "move" again to where she is now, but it will happen when my time comes.

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smackie9

smackie9

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It depends on the risk factor. We get so many threads when things fall apart because they couldn't find a job, have no money, home sick, no support, no friends, no family, the guy turned out to be a loser/alcoholic/abusive, etc. Hell we have had people on here that were going to be homeless because they were getting kicked out.

Up rooting your life belongs to those who are adventurous, free spirited, can take on any kind of job, resilient, financially stable, resourceful, out going, able to make friends instantly. Not putting much thought about preparing/planning, you are setting yourself up for disaster.

 

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