Trying to Explain

[Confused48]

The affair that impacted my life was about 8 years ago.  It ended my marriage. It caused me a steep decline in income that lasted up until this year. I still often have painful recollections of the general and specific details. 

I did find some benefit from therapy.  The most helpful was EMDR. Also meditation helps. Talking with people here helped. I've been away for a while, mostly because things are better for me, emotionally. 

Now, someone has come into my life, that I can not ignore (please don't ask why) and this person is minimizing the painfulness of my experience. Things like:

Everyone does it, its normal, get over it. 

Of course you know, everyone does not do it. I did not. Most of you reading this did not. However, a very high percentage of people do have affairs. That doesn't mean the BS should accept that and feel no pain or have minimal disruption to their psychological well being. Right? But why? 

It was eight years ago, get over it.

This is an experience that I will never forget, that will probably never be less than painful. I know from being here that many others have felt paid from an affair more than 8 years later.  Why? 

If you just forgive, your pain will go away

Ok, so I can't say I've tried that. I'm not the forgive and forget type. However, reading here on LS, I see plenty of people saying they have forgiven but still feel pain. Why? 

Bad things happenin life. Life is not fair. Get over it.

This is not just some run of the mill bad thing. I didn't just have my car stolen. I didn't just get fired. I didn't break my big toe. I was harmed in a very intimate way by the person I trusted more than anyone else in my life. Why is this so much more painful than other bad/unfair things that happen in life? 

By "pain" I mean psychological and emotional disturbance, anger, resentment, confusion, self esteem issues, anxiety, depression, etc.  I can actually say my depression is completely cleared. Medication for anxiety is helping with my anxiety. My self esteem is much better, reading on LS made me realize the affair was not my fault. All these negative affects of the affair have slowly been dissipating over time. But it is not like it never happened. 

I'm being asked to justify my feelings to someone that has never experienced infidelity. Some one that is sure it will never happen to them. (I thought that before Dday too.)  Of course anyone spending time reading here on LS can see what infidelity does to a person. Even the cheaters often suffer greatly. Just look at the OW/OM side of LS. 

This talk between us on LS is all anecdotal evidence.  Is there anything more scholarly written about this? I can't just talk to this person about how I feel about it. My opinion has already been dismissed as biased and inappropriate.  I need something from a disinterested third party. 

Edited November 11, 2021 by Confused48

[mark clemson]

All experiences though are subjective. Scholarly research might tell you percentages or talk about PTSD-like symptoms. Some people get these and some do not. But really you processed this the way YOU did.

Not everyone gets PTSD from combat stess; some do, others do not. It might be easy for someone who doesn't experience it that way to dismiss it. For example, in WWII General Patton famously branded a soldier who most likely had PTSD a coward, and was severely reprimanded once word got out.

Maybe what this person needs to understand is that for some folks it can be extremely traumatic, depending on the specifics of their personality, neurology (probably), and the circumstance, while for others they don't experience it as severely. You're one of the former and you deserve recognition of that.

That fact that others might not experience it the same way is, in a very real way, of little account. You are you and you experienced it the way you did.

Feel free to share this post with this person if you think it might help.

Edited November 12, 2021 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Confused48 said:

 I'm being asked to justify my feelings to someone that has never experienced infidelity. 

Are you dating this person?  Agree these platitudes are annoying at best.

However it sounds like you are talking about it too much and he just plugs in the platitude loop tape to change the subject.

Hopefully you have been to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and have a therapist for ongoing support. That's the place to unpack and sort all this out.

Dating is not about sharing war stories regarding exes. How hurt we are. Whose ex is worse, whose ex did more heinous things, etc. 

Dating is not therapy. Dating is to get to know the person in front of you.

 

 

[Blind-Sided]

12 hours ago, Confused48 said:

1) Everyone does it, its normal, get over it. 

2) It was eight years ago, get over it.

This is an experience that I will never forget, that will probably never be less than painful.  ............  Why? 

3) If you just forgive, your pain will go away

I see plenty of people saying they have forgiven but still feel pain. Why? 

4) Bad things happen in life. Life is not fair. Get over it. 

a) This is not just some run of the mill bad thing.

b) I'm being asked to justify my feelings to someone that has never experienced infidelity.

c) Is there anything more scholarly written about this? 

Sorry you are having a hard time dealing with this... but I get it.   In my younger life, (19 till 24) I dated a girl who i was very much in love with.  I wound up working for her father, I rode MX with her brother, and we did everything together.  I was very much on the verge of asking her to marry me.  She then.... out of the blue... broke up with me for a bunch of BS reasons.  But since I was so close to her brother... about a month after she broke things off... he told me she was cheating on me for a while, and is dating a common friend of ours.   I never really shook the feelings that came with this knowledge.    Even after my divorce (when I was 47) I was traveling to the city I know she lived... and her brother told me to contact her. (She is single)  I almost did... but then I thought... why would I want to give her another chance when all the pain was 100% from her? 

So, let's look at the numbers....

1) Nope.  That's a huge lie.  Honest, moral people don't do this to the people they love. PERIOD. If you heard it from your ex... it was just her justification for being a tramp. If you heard it from the person you are seeing now.... RUN !!!!!!!!!

2) While I don't dwell on what happened to me 26 years ago... I never really got over it. But with time... it just gets easier.  In my case... it took me moving across country, and getting away from her family.  That was 5ish years after she cheated.   With you... that last comment is the core of your issue.  Yes... the loss of trust that comes with someone cheating sucks... but you cant let your mind dwell on a point that you feel like you will never get over it. That alone will keep you in pain. 

3) That's true.  BUT..... just saying the words doesn't mean you have actually forgiven. And that's why.

4) This is 100% true!   "Life is pain. Anyone telling you something different is trying to sell you something." (Princess Bride)  There is good and bad in life. 

a) Well, it is... but different people take pain at all levels.   This happens, but as said by @mark clemson said... not everyone gets PTSD. 

b) Don't.  If they don't have experience with it... then you don't have to "Justify" anything.  But for your own wellbeing, you need to get a handle on this. 

c) Irrelevant.  You could take a book written by the most knowledgeable person in the world... but it doesn't mean those words will help you.  The only person who can help you is YOU.  I know this is almost as bad as "Get over it".... but there is some truth to that.   The longer you dwell on it, and not try to live... the longer it will hurt.  Living your life will help you "Get over it" and will help the pain subside.   We see it here all the time.  The people who properly greave a relationship, and then get out and live life again... they move on, and the pain goes away.  People who dwell on the past, and continue to look into their ex's SM, or try to contact them... or think of ways to get them back... will go years and never "Get over it". 

The power to "Get over it" is inside you.  But you have to find a way to get past the loss of the relationship you hoped to have... and the loss of trust.

I wish you peace in moving forward. 

Edited November 12, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[vla1120]

When someone invalidates your feelings about a situation that was traumatic and life-altering for you - regardless of the type of situation, the statistics surrounding that situation, etc., that is pretty big a red flag. THEY are the person with the problem, not you. THEY need to do a little research on the impact of invalidating someone's feelings. It does not bode well for your relationship. If this is a potential partner, I would not continue with them until they have a clear understanding of the adverse affect of dismissing someone else's emotions. It's darn near abusive. If this is a friend, coworker, or anyone else in another capacity, I would not share any of these experiences with them. 

[Irock]

11 hours ago, vla1120 said:

When someone invalidates your feelings about a situation that was traumatic and life-altering for you - regardless of the type of situation, the statistics surrounding that situation, etc., that is pretty big a red flag. THEY are the person with the problem, not you. THEY need to do a little research on the impact of invalidating someone's feelings. It does not bode well for your relationship. If this is a potential partner, I would not continue with them until they have a clear understanding of the adverse affect of dismissing someone else's emotions. It's darn near abusive. If this is a friend, coworker, or anyone else in another capacity, I would not share any of these experiences with them. 

I couldn't agree more

[S2B]

I wouldn’t date someone who minimized my awful experience. That would really be terrible.

[Irock]

Wow... The affair that completely changed me I found out about in 2010... unfortunatly it happened from 2004 to 2006 I am guessing... I didnt find out until years later... Dont ever let anyone try to minimize what you are going through... I have PTSD (from childhood)  and this whole thing caused what they called a "secondary trauma"   I was made to feel like I was making more of it than it was,   He lied for a year before he finally admitted what I had already learned.... It changed me.... made me become someone I dont recognize.. I was outgoing and full of life.... The one thing I did throughout my life was guard myself.. I never let anyone in... It was a protective measure from my childhood.... I let this guy in and he betrays me in the ultimate way.. Now someone with trust issues my whole life.... wasnt going to handle this well.... If you are with someone that is not sympathetic at least.. thats troubling.... They dont have to experience things like this to be empathetic, an ear to listen.. Not to just invalidate what you are feeling.. Thats shitty.   Look your going to feel how your going to feel... you need to have an understanding person to be the one that is the closest to you especially... If they are like someone you are describing... What are you expected to do.. If you cant talk about it.... then they dont care what you are dealing with.. Sorry.. Best of luck... 

[pepperbird2]

If this is a person you are dating, I would pay heed to their attitude.

Some people feel that cheating is no big deal, others find it devastating. It's best to sort that out now.

[Confused48]

12 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

If this is a person you are dating, I would pay heed to their attitude.

Some people feel that cheating is no big deal, others find it devastating. It's best to sort that out now.

It is not a dating situation. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Confused48 said:

It is not a dating situation. 

Ok. If it's friends or family or co-workers, just don't talk to them about your problems. 

If they're just spitting out trite platitudes, what's the point in talking with them?

[BetrayedDad]

I have found that very few people (i.e. one) can relate to the psychological impact that my cheating ex had on me.  Not that I go around telling everyone (in person) about my personal life.  I think people can’t relate  because it simply hasn’t happened to them.  Fortunately, most people aren’t betrayed for years (in my case 4) by their spouse after being married for almost 20 years.  I think that’s a whole other level of hurt.  For me, I think it actually was traumatic.  Its been 4 years since my divorce and it has still negatively impacted my ability to trust.

For comparison, I was cheated on by a girl I dated in high school.  That hurt, but it was not even close...at all.  If that had been my only experience with being cheated on, then it would be easy to say just get over it and move on.  However, that betrayal was nothing compared to my exW’s betrayal during our marriage...not even close.

It’s easy for people to dismiss or minimize things they haven’t experienced.

Edited November 19, 2021 by BetrayedDad

[Myabee]

On 11/11/2021 at 10:35 PM, mark clemson said:

All experiences though are subjective. Scholarly research might tell you percentages or talk about PTSD-like symptoms. Some people get these and some do not. But really you processed this the way YOU did.

Not everyone gets PTSD from combat stess; some do, others do not. It might be easy for someone who doesn't experience it that way to dismiss it. For example, in WWII General Patton famously branded a soldier who most likely had PTSD a coward, and was severely reprimanded once word got out.

Maybe what this person needs to understand is that for some folks it can be extremely traumatic, depending on the specifics of their personality, neurology (probably), and the circumstance, while for others they don't experience it as severely. You're one of the former and you deserve recognition of that.

That fact that others might not experience it the same way is, in a very real way, of little account. You are you and you experienced it the way you did.

Feel free to share this post with this person if you think it might help.

Wow! Most definitely some PTSD that goes along with affair endings.... Helpful post.  

[Fox Sake]

On 11/13/2021 at 3:12 AM, vla1120 said:

When someone invalidates your feelings about a situation that was traumatic and life-altering for you - regardless of the type of situation, the statistics surrounding that situation, etc., that is pretty big a red flag. THEY are the person with the problem, not you. THEY need to do a little research on the impact of invalidating someone's feelings. It does not bode well for your relationship. If this is a potential partner, I would not continue with them until they have a clear understanding of the adverse affect of dismissing someone else's emotions. It's darn near abusive. If this is a friend, coworker, or anyone else in another capacity, I would not share any of these experiences with them. 

This is one of the best posts I have seen recently. 

 

Edited November 26, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[basil67]

I'm so sorry you went through this.  However, I do wonder why you're having this conversation with someone who doesn't understand, let alone feel the need to justify yourself to them.  There comes a time when it's good to recognise that the conversation is going nowhere and to stop having it.    

There are some people in our lives who fill certain roles.  Sports friends, hobby friends, family etc.  But the fact that they have a particular role in our lives doesn't necessarily mean that they are a great support.   And the fact that they don't understand your trauma doesn't mean that they are a bad person.   It's just not the right person for sharing this type of thing.

Save your sharing for people who DO get it.  Like dear friends, therapists and the good people here at LS.   Be kind to yourself and only share where you feel safe to do so.