Grey40 Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 Need some help here. My gf told me she’s going on an 8 day trip to Puerto Rico with her gay male best friend. She brought it up to me last week, and I told her I really wasn’t comfortable with just the two of them going alone together, and that if they can’t find anyone else to join them, that I would hope she would invite me and want me to come. she said she would throw the idea out there to him. fast forward to tonight, she told me she booked the trip with him and that both of them agreed they would rather keep it a friends thing only. Everyone else they asked couldn’t go, and she really wants to experience this with her friend. She “never gets to spend time with him” and she said that because me and her do everything together that she could use a nice trip away unwind and have a girls trip. the guy I’ve met numerous times and we’ve hung out very often over the past year+ we’ve been dating and he’s def 100% gay and not at all interested in a romantic way, so that doesn’t bother me but I’m still worried about it just being them and her potentially clubbing, drinking dancing and letting guys potentially hit on her and the temptation to cheat when she’s away. And also the fact that PR isn’t always the safest area, if one of them gets too dunk who knows what could happen. The other thing that bothered me is that she knew fully well I would be annoyed upset and pissed off that she booked this trip with the two of them, and she went ahead and did it anyway. Her excuse was “I’m not going to let you stop me from having a once in a lifetime kind of experience just because you think it’s weird or red flaggy that I want to have a real vacation with my friend”. am I being insecure about this whole thing? Should I feel ok about them going? Is it ok that even though she knew for a fact booking this with just the two of them was going to bother me and hurt, she did it anyway? Need some guidance or reassurance. Thanks.
Wiseman2 Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 2 minutes ago, Grey40 said: “I’m not going to let you stop me from having a once in a lifetime kind of experience just because you think it’s weird or red flaggy that I want to have a real vacation with my friend”. Do you two plan trips together? It's fine for either of you to have your own social lives and do things with your own friends. Do you have friends and family you can do things with while she's away? This has nothing to do with you tagging along. You two can plan your own vacation. This has nothing to do with his orientation. He's just a friend. She's right. You shouldn't pout and whine about it. Just find stuff to do for a week. It seems like you two don't do enough fun things and are getting on each other's nerves as a result. Is this the case? Maybe a week away from the rut and grind and discord will work wonders. Have fun and enjoy your week to yourself to do whatever you want to. 2
Author Grey40 Posted November 12, 2021 Author Posted November 12, 2021 16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Do you two plan trips together? It's fine for either of you to have your own social lives and do things with your own friends. Do you have friends and family you can do things with while she's away? This has nothing to do with you tagging along. You two can plan your own vacation. This has nothing to do with his orientation. He's just a friend. She's right. You shouldn't pout and whine about it. Just find stuff to do for a week. It seems like you two don't do enough fun things and are getting on each other's nerves as a result. Is this the case? Maybe a week away from the rut and grind and discord will work wonders. Have fun and enjoy your week to yourself to do whatever you want to. Yeah we’ve been on many trips together with just the two of us, never as long as 8 days though and never to somewhere like PR. I just thought she’d let want to experience that with me. Though she did say we should also book a trip like that together down the line. 1
Maldives Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 I guess not much you can do about it just try and make the most of it. However the fact she just disregarded your feelings and how you feel about it and did it anyway says something for sure. Shows a lack of importance towards you. Just take that into consideration. This happened to me once with my ex wife until I just did the same and went out with a bunch of girls and she got crazy jealous as she could tell there were girls in that group that liked me haha that made her run back hey lol. Sometimes you got to play a bit of a game like that to shift the ball into your court 2
elaine567 Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 Reading between the lines you are not going to leave her over this, so you really have no option but to put up and shut up. You can be as butt hurt as you want to be, but it will make no difference, they are still going. You can try to impose "restrictions", but as you are not going to be there, then she and he can do whatever they want... If you try and spoil all this for her by ranting or pouting or sulking, you may not want to leave her but she may decide she wants to leave you, especially if she has a good moan about you with her best friend in Puerto Rico... Questions do need asked about why they have asked around their friend group for anyone who wans to go, but they didn't ask you... Though I can see that three friends on a trip is a different dynamic than a couple and a singleton.
Author Grey40 Posted November 12, 2021 Author Posted November 12, 2021 2 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Reading between the lines you are not going to leave her over this, so you really have no option but to put up and shut up. You can be as butt hurt as you want to be, but it will make no difference, they are still going. You can try to impose "restrictions", but as you are not going to be there, then she and he can do whatever they want... If you try and spoil all this for her by ranting or pouting or sulking, you may not want to leave her but she may decide she wants to leave you, especially if she has a good moan about you with her best friend in Puerto Rico... Questions do need asked about why they have asked around their friend group for anyone who wans to go, but they didn't ask you... Though I can see that three friends on a trip is a different dynamic than a couple and a singleton. Good points. The reason she didn’t want to ask me is because she wanted it to be a “girls only” kind of thing, without SO. The trip was her friends idea, and she thought it would be rude to have me there and him be a third wheel. It just bothers me she booked this behind my back and waited to tell me because she knew fully well I wouldn’t be ok with it. Not to mention when my parents find out they’re going to think I should leave her (they’re very conservative and think gay people are using gay as a cover to hook up, and that it’s a red flag it’s just the two of them and I’m not included).
Wiseman2 Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 8 minutes ago, Grey40 said: she did say we should also book a trip like that together down the line. Ok. Use your free time to research where you would like to go for a week and plan it for the two of you. Why can't you plan and book things if that's what you want? 1
elaine567 Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 10 minutes ago, Grey40 said: The trip was her friends idea, and she thought it would be rude to have me there and him be a third wheel. Even if we assume he is gay and is not bi or even hetero, some people can get very territorial around their friends and will try to monopolise them and get "jealous" of other friends and SOs. They can try to "see other people off", so they get the friend all to themselves. If he is trying to monopolise your gf, then this "girls trip" to an exciting place, which necessarily excludes you, is perfect.
Author Grey40 Posted November 12, 2021 Author Posted November 12, 2021 (edited) 9 hours ago, elaine567 said: Even if we assume he is gay and is not bi or even hetero, some people can get very territorial around their friends and will try to monopolise them and get "jealous" of other friends and SOs. They can try to "see other people off", so they get the friend all to themselves. If he is trying to monopolise your gf, then this "girls trip" to an exciting place, which necessarily excludes you, is perfect. I know for a fact that it was my gf that really wanted it to be a friends only trip. The gay friend said he really didn’t mind who went. Edited November 12, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator response to removed content 1
FMW Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 2 hours ago, Grey40 said: but I’m still worried about it just being them and her potentially clubbing, drinking dancing and letting guys potentially hit on her and the temptation to cheat when she’s away. And also the fact that PR isn’t always the safest area, if one of them gets too dunk who knows what could happen. The other thing that bothered me is that she knew fully well I would be annoyed upset and pissed off that she booked this trip with the two of them, and she went ahead and did it anyway. You have several different concerns, that basically fall into (1) trust, (2) safety, and (3) respect. There is temptation everywhere, at work, out with friends, etc. If you don't trust her to stay faithful when she's out of your sight, then you just don't trust her. The safety issue also involves trust. It seems you don't trust her to stay in control of her faculties and take prudent precautions. It's normal to have concerns about certain locations and settings as far as crime probability goes, but it seems that a large part of your concern is based on what her behavior might be. Obviously she doesn't need your permission or approval for her plans. But unless something is really important to someone, or they are trying to make a passive-aggressive point, they normally would try to accommodate their partner's feelings. 2 hours ago, Grey40 said: she said that because me and her do everything together that she could use a nice trip away unwind and have a girls trip. It seems she is feeling controlled and boxed in and seeking some space. It's not unusual for men or women to go away with their friends for just a friend get away. Most people consider it healthy to have some time apart. 1 hour ago, Grey40 said: Not to mention when my parents find out they’re going to think I should leave her (they’re very conservative and think gay people are using gay as a cover to hook up, and that it’s a red flag it’s just the two of them and I’m not included). You don't need to give your parents all the details, just tell them she's with a friend. Or don't tell them at all. Don't allow their issues to make yours even worse. Bottom line is this trip itself is most likely not the issue, it's just highlighting already existing ones in your relationship. To me you do come across as kind of controlling, BUT that may your response to not feeling secure about her level of faithfulness and commitment to your relationship. I think that's probably what you need to focus on. Is it a general lack of trust of anyone, or is it her in particular that you do not trust? 3
Gaeta Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 I feel it's more about you not trusting her in clubs with a bit of alcohol. Do you have valid reasons to worry about her clubbing? 3
Author Grey40 Posted November 12, 2021 Author Posted November 12, 2021 (edited) 29 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I feel it's more about you not trusting her in clubs with a bit of alcohol. Do you have valid reasons to worry about her clubbing? No not really, the problem is she’s just too nice sometimes. Like she’ll allow guys to flirt and escalate with her (especially when drunk) and won’t say “hey I have a boyfriend” or tell them to stop or that it’s inappropriate. She won’t reciprocate but she’s not very good at standing her ground in those situations. She also gets extra horny when drunk, so combine those two together and the fact she’ll be on an island and in the moment. I just hate that fact. And I feel like If something does happen, she’ll be totally fine hiding it and so will her friend. She def would never admit if something does happen and she’s good at hiding her guilt most of the time. i do have trust issues and was cheated on in a previous relationship, so clearly those things are coming into play. It’s not so much I don’t trust her but I don’t trust guys, and there will be plenty down there willing to take advantage of the situation Edited November 12, 2021 by Grey40
Pumpernickel Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 1 hour ago, Grey40 said: she’s good at hiding her guilt most of the time. If you’ve caught her lying in the past, that’ll definitely lead to trust issues. Not sure if that’s what you’re referring to, though. As a general rule: people are who they are, and once adults, do what they want. The best relationship is one that doesn’t limit the two people involved. If the trip is important to her, because she loves her friend, and wants to spend quality time with him, nagging and doubting will not help the relationship. Being happy for her and letting her share her adventures with you after she returns, will improve the relationship. I don’t think she needs your permission. I also don’t think she disrespected you by booking the trip “behind your back”. She has every right to do that, and she did inform you before and after booking the trip. That’s all she can do. I mean: What’s the alternative really? Asking you if she can go? And then what? You say no, I’m not “comfortable” with that? And then she stays home? I don’t see how that makes for a happy couple down the road. Also - have the roles ever been reversed? Where you wanted or had to do something (fun) without her? It may have never happened, but I bet that she’s the type that wouldn’t be too bothered by it.
Author Grey40 Posted November 12, 2021 Author Posted November 12, 2021 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said: If you’ve caught her lying in the past, that’ll definitely lead to trust issues. Not sure if that’s what you’re referring to, though. As a general rule: people are who they are, and once adults, do what they want. The best relationship is one that doesn’t limit the two people involved. If the trip is important to her, because she loves her friend, and wants to spend quality time with him, nagging and doubting will not help the relationship. Being happy for her and letting her share her adventures with you after she returns, will improve the relationship. I don’t think she needs your permission. I also don’t think she disrespected you by booking the trip “behind your back”. She has every right to do that, and she did inform you before and after booking the trip. That’s all she can do. I mean: What’s the alternative really? Asking you if she can go? And then what? You say no, I’m not “comfortable” with that? And then she stays home? I don’t see how that makes for a happy couple down the road. Also - have the roles ever been reversed? Where you wanted or had to do something (fun) without her? It may have never happened, but I bet that she’s the type that wouldn’t be too bothered by it. She wouldn’t be bothered by it, she said if I wanted to do the same thing she would be happy for me. But I wouldn’t go on an 8 day vacation with just one of my friends, If there weren’t at least 3-4 people I don’t see how it would be fun for just the two of them. And yea I have caught her lying in the past when exes have contacted her, though once she got caught she blocked them without questioning and admitted it was wrong to engage with them. I just worry that this is just a way for her to get away from me and “go wild” aka be promiscuous in another part of the world without my knowledge and she can justify it in her mind as “I was on a once in a lifetime vacation”. But I guess you’re right, people are who they are. She’s either gonna screw things up or she won’t. I just don’t feel great at all about it, feel sick to my stomach. I feel like other women wouldn’t even think twice to go on a major vacation like that without their bf..like wouldn’t they be excited to want to do that with them? I understand it’s healthy to see other friends but 8 days is a super long trip. I find it hard to believe there’s not some other motive Edited November 12, 2021 by Grey40 3
elaine567 Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 4 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said: The best relationship is one that doesn’t limit the two people involved I think people with trust issues, if they want to feel comfortable and happy, need to choose people who reinforce trust, not those who undermine it. A girl who is going clubbing in Puerto Rico with a gay male friend, and who has been caught lying in the past and is good at hiding guilt, is not someone who really reinforces trust... 7
Girl Fade Away Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Grey40 said: I just worry that this is just a way for her to get away from me and “go wild” aka be promiscuous in another part of the world without my knowledge. In other words, you do NOT trust her. You do not trust her judgment, trust that she will be respectful of you and your relationship. THAT is what is toxic and what will destroy your relationship, not that she has chosen to take a trip with a friend regardless of whether or not it is 'shady' or she has lied previously. Maybe you DO have valid reasons to not trust her, but the real issue is... you do not trust her and that lack of trust will eventually destroy. Edited November 12, 2021 by Girl Fade Away 3
JRabbit Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 Well I agree with OP, its weird and shady she planned this without telling you. If it was truly "girls trip" why wouldn't she have let you know about it? Sounds like she wants time away there, free to do as she pleases. I can understand a girls thing...sort of I guess haha I mean I would rather be with a significant other but that's me. I can't understand the secrecy. That is an issue. 2
JRabbit Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 1 hour ago, Grey40 said: She won’t reciprocate but she’s not very good at standing her ground in those situations. IE - she doesn't want to because she doesn't want to lose the attention. This is a purposeful action. Im sure if they are gross men she found appalling she wouldn't have a problem? 2
Author Grey40 Posted November 12, 2021 Author Posted November 12, 2021 (edited) 8 minutes ago, JRabbit said: Well I agree with OP, its weird and shady she planned this without telling you. If it was truly "girls trip" why wouldn't she have let you know about it? Sounds like she wants time away there, free to do as she pleases. I can understand a girls thing...sort of I guess haha I mean I would rather be with a significant other but that's me. I can't understand the secrecy. That is an issue. Well she said she “was” going to tell me in like a few days, I just happens to see the Airbnb opened up in her laptop so I knew that was odd. So I asked her why she was looking and then she came clean that she was planning this. She said she was obviously going to tell me as soon as it was Definitely booked. The reason she didn’t want to tell me right away is because she knew I’d be against it and she felt bad not inviting me, but at the same time she really wants this to be an alone-time trip. ww argued last night and she admits it was wrong to try and do it without me knowing because it just made it worse. She knows I have trust issues and doing stuff like that only makes me more suspicious. She was just afraid of the confrontation which ended up happening anyway Edited November 12, 2021 by Grey40
Author Grey40 Posted November 12, 2021 Author Posted November 12, 2021 4 minutes ago, elaine567 said: How old is she and how old are you? I’m 32 she’s 31. 1
smackie9 Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 (edited) I think the focus is that she's going to have fun with this friend, and not a bunch of guys. They are going to be dancing, and drinking together, and go sightseeing. I think it will be safer for her going with this gay man, than with a female. She will get his male attention, and he will be probably batting the guys away from her. If they go to a gay bar, even better right? Edited November 12, 2021 by smackie9
JRabbit Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 1 minute ago, Grey40 said: The reason she didn’t want to tell me right away is because she knew I’d be against it and she felt bad not inviting me, but at the same time she really wants this to be an alone-time trip. That's not love. That's BS secrets. She knows it will bother you so hides it and you only find out because you saw. Was she gunna text you from the hotel? 3
Gaeta Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 22 minutes ago, Grey40 said: she said if I wanted to do the same thing she would be happy for me. But I wouldn’t go on an 8 day vacation with just one of my friends, If there weren’t at least 3-4 people I don’t see how it would be fun for just the two of them. You and her do not share the same core value. It cannot work long term. I would not go on a trip with a gay-male-friend...I would not date a man that thinks it's ok to go on a trip with a gay-male-friend. 1
Author Grey40 Posted November 12, 2021 Author Posted November 12, 2021 5 minutes ago, JRabbit said: That's not love. That's BS secrets. She knows it will bother you so hides it and you only find out because you saw. Was she gunna text you from the hotel? The trip is like 6 months from now, so she was planning on telling me at some point, don’t know how long she was going to wait, but no I don’t think it was going to be like the week of. She said she was going to tell me in a couple of days.
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