Dealing with husband and his affair with OW(OM? and effect on the kids

[teppurom560k]

I found out recently from a family friend that my husband has been cheating on me with an OW (well, really an OM since he now identifies as a trans man but still looks female) since August and that my husband wants to move in with the OM and take the kids.

Not sure whether to refer to him as OW or OM since he's still female-presenting.

We have two daughters, 5 and 6 years old. Live in North London.

I think there's a reason my husband had this affair; perhaps because he'd had boredom during lockdowns and because he probably wanted to still think he was attractive.

I'm 36, he's 37.

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BTW, the friend had seen my husband and the OW/OM kissing in public when she was out with her husband but didn't want to confront them and make a scene.

I'm suspecting my husband is either having a midlife crisis or something.

It's not often is it that you find out the AP is transgender, is it?

I think they're too hooked on the high of it. But what about when they have to face reality - bills, dirty underwear, food shopping, sick kids etc.? Is it true that bills and dirty underwear, taking out the garbage are always the main things people think about when an A becomes reality?

Am I right in thinking that the A will fizzle out naturally?

I'm considering divorce, but worry about losing out financially and living in tower-block poor accommodation which frightens me since Grenfell.

I've confronted my husband about this last night, he didn't deny it, said "Yeah, so it's been going on since August after lockdown ended. But there's something about us that just works. It works, end of"

I'm suspecting the affair is physical not just an EA, but this could also explain why my husband spent so much buying chocolate and wine, looks like it was on presents for his OW/OM; I thought it was romantic gifts for me.

I've been reading stories on here about the "W or OW dilemma" but in reality, what's going to be the biggest problems my husband faces if he keeps up this affair?

Being a weekend dad? Being a weekend dad who's a Disneyland dad?

I feel like doing the process of exposure on the affair but don't know what the hell to do.

I'm worried over things emotionally and this is taxing me. Doesn't help in that I'm an American expat in England as well, moved here from Florida some 14 years ago for college, stayed and never returned to the US. Not gonna renounce citizenship though as I may need to return someday to the US.

I've not got that many friends here.

I need a lot of help and advice since I didn't expect myself to be in this sort of affair situation and the whole thing's a gut punch to me.

Edited November 13, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed off topic

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, teppurom560k said:

 that my husband wants to move in with the OM and take the kids.

I've confronted my husband about this last night, he didn't deny it, 

You need to speak to an attorney asap.  Do you work? 

An attorney can advise you about what your husband is responsible for and advise you on custody.

Right now you're in denial because of fear of poverty. 

[Prudence V]

3 hours ago, teppurom560k said:

Being a weekend dad? Being a weekend dad who's a Disneyland dad?

Not if

3 hours ago, teppurom560k said:

my husband wants to move in with the OM and take the kids

 

3 hours ago, teppurom560k said:

I'm considering divorce, but worry about losing out financially and living in tower-block poor accommodation which frightens me since Grenfell.

I’m not sure what kind of work you do - assuming you do - but you realise there is a whole country outside of London, where accommodation is a lot more affordable, right? Your kids will be in Y1/Y2 of school, so easy enough to move them somewhere else at that age. Moving away from London would also get you into a less isolating community, where you can more easily make friends and develop support systems. If you’re worried about taking them too far from their father, there are places a short commute outside of London that would be fine, but obviously the further out you get, the cheaper accommodation will be (unless you opt for Edinburgh…) and the friendlier to locals. (I’m also an immigrant, been here about the same length of time IIRC). 
 

Speaking to a solicitor would be a good idea, if you are seriously considering divorce; otherwise a Relate counsellor can help you as a couple navigate a way back to each other - if that’s still a possibility - or an amicable ending that makes sure the kids well-being gets prioritised. 

[stillafool]

What did you tell your husband when he said he wants to move in with the OM and take the kids with him?