trying to figure out what happened

[CosterG10]

Hi guys, have been dumped recently, and i am feeling very confused and bad to be honest. I am just trying to figure out whether i messed everything up or she just never took me seriously as a romantic partner and i was just an option. To not bore you with a long story i will just describe in details the last month before we stopped having any contact the rest will be in short details 

We started hanging out quite a bit together (around 6-7 months ago), we had fun, the communication was easy, all in all we had good time. I told her that i like her and would like to be more than friends which she didn't decline. 

In the summer i was going on a vacation and before we were arguing quite a bit for small stuff, most of the time she would initiate the argument and i would just defend myself but without any excesses always through a conversation like grown ups.

Before my vacation started we had a chat and she said that she is not ready for a relationship because she wants to concentrate on her work and asked to have a no contact for the week when i was away to clear her mind and she thought it would make us good. I agreed. I left and after 2 days she texted me and said that she doesn't feel good about it and wants to have contact as before and also said she misses me and when i am back she would like to talk to me.

When i came back we never talked about what she wanted as there was always a reason of why not ,too late, too tired, not at work (after hours when there is nobody and we both have separate offices which are isolated), and when we went for a dinner i said that in the beginning of summer i thought about transferring but i don't want that and i would not do it, to which she  replied that, as i never spoke to her about it, it was a sign that i never trusted her, and when i asked her what did she want to tell me she said i could figure it out myself. After that i was at fault of being late for 15 minutes to a work event, but i was late due to work as i had to sort some things with my boss. Then we went to a date and it was awesome so i asked her if she wants to go again next week to what she said yes. During that week she had bad mood so she told me we should cancel the dinner and also a trip that we want to plan together. When i asked her why she said she is tired, i said it is fine. Next day she says we should go for dinner and also discuss the trip during the dinner. So i booked a table. When we were talking about the dinner after i booked it, she told me that she was supposed to go with a friend and forgot to which i said "then go with your friend, we can postpone" she said we can go and i asked her if she is sure to which she replied yes. In the evening before the dinner she texted me that she cleared her mind and decided that she will go with her friend and she hoped i didn't get angry, i didn't reply back as i was upset (i know immature and should have replied, happened before and i always replied with "no biggie, we can postpone") and the next day we had a talk and she accused me of being immature and for not replying and that i made her feel bad the whole night. A week forward we have an amazing day, we end up at my place and when i ask her to stay over she refuses and the next day when i asked her if she wants to grab a coffee she says no as she is not in the mood to have any  serious conversation.

During the following week she was not her usual self during our interactions and it felt cold and weird the way she spoke to me. And then came Friday when we went out and had quite a lot to drink. Everything was going fine but then it looked to me that i saw her making out with another guy, i got jealous and i confronted her and shouted at her in front of common friendswhich i still feel ashamed of and i know it is unacceptable. She told me that i am sick and we never had anything between us and she could do anything she wanted. After a week she told me she met someone and now they are together, after just 3 weeks, no doubts, no work in the way. 

Now after that long post here is what lingers on my mind the whole situation hurts and makes me angry as all the excuses that i got, do not apply to that new dude and i also get the thoughts of was i not good enough, did i mess everything up on a constant basis (based on the above), as at the end i had the feeling if i share something it is wrong, if i do not share it is wrong, if she was not interested why not just say a no directly? Why continue hanging out with me, texting me, sleeping with me.

During the whole time whenever she needed me i was there for her with advise, support and a shoulder that she could lean on. 

After the whole thing i got self esteem doubts and i really overthink, every single moment, that i think i did wrong, like not replying to a text etc. I also think whether i am at a wrong of going no contact as she forgave me about the last fight and i just behave immaturely after finding out she is with someone else, as in not having contact. 

Just want to mention that normally i am a very happy, confident and calm person, a very good friend of mine who knows me for ages told me that this girl is the second person who managed to make me so emotional and she deserves a medal for that. I am also a romantic. 

Also when i had a break up with my previous long term relationship of 2 years i didn't feel that way, i felt bad for a week but not so confused and shattered even a month forward, i have also mood swings which i never had before.

Any advise or comment will be greatly appreciated!

 

 

[Alpacalia]

I'm not sure why she was so ambivalent towards you but when you accused her of making out with another man that sealed your fate I'm afraid. By the way, what made you think she was kissing some man at the bar?

[CosterG10]

30 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I'm not sure why she was so ambivalent towards you but when you accused her of making out with another man that sealed your fate I'm afraid. By the way, what made you think she was kissing some man at the bar?

In the bar she was hanging on him, his hand was below her waist, then i saw him kissing her on her cheek and then i saw them being very, very close to each other, and my emotions got the better of me. 

[assertives]

To be honest it sounds like she was never quite into you.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, CosterG10 said:

 we both have separate offices which are isolated.  i got jealous and i confronted her and shouted at her in front of common friendswhich 

Sorry this happened. There's no right or wrong, just 28 weeks dating with way too much drama.

Be polite and respectful and professional at work. The last thing you need is a sexual harassment complaint.

Move forward and delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps. Only communicate about work. Next time date outside of work.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, CosterG10 said:

In the bar she was hanging on him, his hand was below her waist, then i saw him kissing her on her cheek and then i saw them being very, very close to each other, and my emotions got the better of me. 

This is to be anticipated, given her reluctance towards being in a relationship with you. I agree with the others that she didn't appear as interested in you as you were in her, and any mismatch like that tends to make the other person (in this case, you) feel a little more apprehensive than you might otherwise be.

You'll be okay, just maintain no contact and keep your distance with her at work.

[ExpatInItaly]

21 hours ago, CosterG10 said:

Why continue hanging out with me, texting me, sleeping with me.

Because she wanted you around as a back-up, unfortunately. 

This girl was not as interested in you as you were in her, and her erratic beheaviour reflects that. She only wanted you around when it suited her, and she came up with silly excuses (she "forgot" she was planning a trip with a friend, yeah right) and manufactured conflict when she wanted to get rid of you. 

You being No Contact now is smart. Do you really want to be buddies with her while she is falling in love with someone else? 

[CosterG10]

24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Because she wanted you around as a back-up, unfortunately. 

This girl was not as interested in you as you were in her, and her erratic beheaviour reflects that. She only wanted you around when it suited her, and she came up with silly excuses (she "forgot" she was planning a trip with a friend, yeah right) and manufactured conflict when she wanted to get rid of you. 

You being No Contact now is smart. Do you really want to be buddies with her while she is falling in love with someone else? 

You are absolutely right and thank you for confirming my thoughts, yes i was the backup, which i think i am too good for and i will not accept it. The no contact is not because i want her back or anything of sorts, it for my sake, and no i don't want to be buddies with her, as it doesn't make me happier (as simple and stupid as it sounds). 

[CosterG10]

20 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. There's no right or wrong, just 28 weeks dating with way too much drama.

Be polite and respectful and professional at work. The last thing you need is a sexual harassment complaint.

Move forward and delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps. Only communicate about work. Next time date outside of work.

Thank you for your advise and yes absolutely i am and will professional, respectful and polite. The drama that i described is only the last month, i didn't want to write about the previous 24 or so, and based on those i should have seen it coming. Some major were, telling me it was a mistake to kissing me (without me initiating asking or trying), going overnight to visit a friend (male) while visiting her parents for a weekend and then telling me he was her crush from 2 years ago, telling me she misses me but is not sure in what type of relationship and most importantly me being on edge almost daily as i didn't know which version of her will turn up etc, etc, etc. Anyways should have sensed it and ended it earlier, but the pink glasses were there, its a lesson for me.