What to tell the grown Children

[Cheatedon2x]

I recently posted about my 12 year relationship currently going down the tubes because she has been cheating.  Heres an important follow up piece, and I can already see different sides of this.

When I met this girl, I was newly divorced.  Kids were 6,6,12,13.  Boy oldest, others girls.  She stepped into my family, and made a huge impact.  She was kind, warm, helpful, never yelled, available for anything, showed them a great work ethic, peaceful, and I felt really truly loved my kids.  We had a GREAT relationship, and were a crazy mixed up bunch of survivors who for the most part stuck together.  If you read my other post, my oldest daughter seemed to grow jealous over time, as did my SO of my daughter...not where I am going with this

Having been "fake-mom" for many of the most important years of my kids lives, she obviously created a bond with these kids.  Some, my son in particular,, who was cut off entirely from his mom, love her very very much. We went everywhere together, trips, weekends, dinners, kids sports, everything was great, and got to be a somewhat "normal" loving family again

The big question here is what do I do?  Do I say anything.  My SO has been ripped out of my life by her own doing, and it will be obvious and something that can't be hidden. I feel a lot of mixed emotions on this subject.  Yes, I feel hurt and I want to tell my kids she is a W.  Not really but I feel like they are adults, I am their Dad, and they should know what she did to me- and to all of us really.  Not super detailed or harsh, but I believe I would want to know.  One of my twins (18) says my SO has been reaching out to her lately a bit more than expected and has said something about things aren't good between us right now...I don't want her to try to paint a picture of "the relationship was shitty and over and I met a guy"  NOT what happened.  

Mostly, I am afraid of my relationship with my son going south.  If she tells him half the stuff she dramatically enhanced and even fabricated last week in our therapy, this could have severe consequences for the two of us.  He has always been great, but there is also anger there towards me because he feels like I handled the situation with my oldest daughter wrong, and he saw(more than I did and they (SO/Son) shared details they didn't share with me as a part of their close bond)  He loves my SO, and he lost his mom at 13, and hasn't spoken to her since.  I don't want to cause him harm.  I would like him to know, and I pray he supports and understands that she did this to us- by Choice.

Edited November 14, 2021 by Cheatedon2x
additions, correction

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Cheatedon2x said:

Do I say anything.  

Absolutely. Inform your kids that it just ended. No details, no drama, no crying on shoulders.

Your kids will he elated that she is finally gone. Do some damage control.

It's your job to talk to your kids not this exgf's job to give them her version..

[Cheatedon2x]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Absolutely. Inform your kids that it just ended. No details, no drama, no crying on shoulders.

Your kids will he elated that she is finally gone. Do some damage control.

It's your job to talk to your kids not this exgf's job to give them her version..

we know my oldest daughter will be elated.  My twins will not, and my son will be unwilling to accept this and act as though "you guys broke up, she's my best friend"

I worry about the exgf giving it to them "her version" and it seems like she's setting the table with a lot of folks, my mom, close friends, and my kids all included.  Cryptic text messages over the past month with clear hidden innuendo.  I don't want to have to try to undo her crying poor me rants to my son or daughters or Mom, she is already pushing some narrative like this on others, mainly her friends so far.

 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Cheatedon2x said:

she's setting the table with a lot of folks, my mom, close friends, and my kids all included. 

Inform your people of the breakup and ask them to cease communication with her. If your kids want some sort of relationship with her and they are over 18, not much you can do. 

 Where is your kids' mother? Why is Your mother chitchatting with this woman? 

You need to step up and let your support system of family and friends know things didn't work out and you two broke up.

[Cheatedon2x]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Inform your people of the breakup and ask them to cease communication with her. If your kids want some sort of relationship with her and they are over 18, not much you can do. 

 Where is your kids' mother? Why is Your mother chitchatting with this woman? 

You need to step up and let your support system of family and friends know things didn't work out and you two broke up.

My mother isn't chitchatting.  She just told me she received a few odd text messages when I was away a few weeks ago.  So did two of my best friends wives, and my son. MY SO is so afraid this will be how she goes down in everyones memory she is painting the narrative, while sobbing-  "this is about me,(her) I have to get in counseling and see why I choose the partners I do"  like the partners do this to her?!?  We had a great relationship for many years until her job changed, she had zero time for any of us, no kids events, no dates, way less intimacy, no lunches, just nothing.  As I grew resentful, she dug her heels in and said basically eff ewe. So that is the only topic we continually had issues about.

My kids mother lives less than 10 minutes from me, we have finally started to get along again.  She cut off my son and daughter in 2010 and he never forgave her.  My oldest daughter just recently started seeing her to some degree about 6 months ago. Thats why I cut my daughter some slack that maybe I shouldn't have or prioritized her too high within the family structure.

I agree with the support system and feel it is critically important to healing.  I told one of my twins last night and she was super.  it made  me feel alive again for about an hour, like there is hope.  Really the first time I fell hope in a while.

I am TOTALLY AFRAID of what my SO has the ability to do with My boy. I DO NOT WANT THIS RELATIONSHIP ENDING TO FURTHER DIVIDE MY FAMILY(caps for importance). I want to talk to him but he gets defensive very quickly

[ASG]

You obviouslyneed to tell your kids that youare no longer together. 

I wouldn't go into specifics. And I would speak to her to make sure she gave no specifics either, if that's an option. 

I know you're suffering, but telling your kids what happened won't help them. It will just hurt them further. So don't do it. 

Your son is 25. He doesn't need you guys to be together to have a relationship with his stepmom. That relationship exists. And will most likely continue to exist. 

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Cheatedon2x said:

My SO has been ripped out of my life by her own doing

No, she made a decision. She was not ripped from your lives - she made a decision for herself and that decision has consequences - not only for her, but also for you and your children. 

6 hours ago, Cheatedon2x said:

Having been "fake-mom" for many of the most important years of my kids lives

She is not a “fake mom” - she was their step mother. One does not have to be married to assume the role of step mother, which is what it sounds like she did with your children. 

Your children are adults, they are capable of assessing the situation and dealing with this - if they have all the information. That doesn’t mean that you must give them all the gory details - you can simply tell them that she had another relationship outside your relationship and because of that, you have decided to end your relationship. End of story. If they don’t have this information, they are vulnerable to manipulation and it can affair to their relationship with you. And, while I respect your desire to protect your children and their relationship with this woman - what is your priority? Is it your relationship with your children? Or, this woman and her relationship with your children? When you consider it that way, your path is pretty clear…

[Cheatedon2x]

Just now, BaileyB said:

No, she made a decision. She was not ripped from your lives - she made a decision for herself and that decision has consequences - not only for her, but also for you and your children. 

She is not a “fake mom” - she was their step mother. One does not have to be married to assume the role of step mother, which is what it sounds like she did with your children. 

Your children are adults, they are capable of assessing the situation and dealing with this - if they have all the information. That doesn’t mean that you must give them all the gory details - you can simply tell them that she had another relationship outside your relationship and because of that, you have decided to end your relationship. End of story. If they don’t have this information, they are vulnerable to manipulation and it can affair to their relationship with you. And, while I respect your desire to protect your children and their relationship with this woman - what is your priority? Is it your relationship with your children? Or, this woman and her relationship with your children? When you consider it that way, your path is pretty clear…

To me she was ripped out of my life.  I understand the circumstances.

"fake-mom" was the affectionate name my kids called her to be respectful to their "real mom".  It was kind of a joke we had.  She was a great part of all of our lives for a long time. Not a lot of gory details to give them but I am one who feels it is important to know the truth sometimes to proceed with open eyes and make informed decisions. They will decide what to do with the information.

[usa1ah]

Be honest with them. Tell them that she is cheating on you. 

[pepperbird2]

It sounds as though your kids are adults, and that may mean a change in your relationship with them. It cam take on a more adult nature. As adults and family members, they have the right to know factors that can impact them. I say it's okay to talk this through with them. It doesn't sound to me like you would be unfair or unkind about your SO, just honest. I woudl talk to them, but let them know you are fine with stopping the conversation if they feel it's making them uncomfortable.