Getting past the guilt

[Lost2574]

I had an affair. Divorced now for just over four years. I still struggle every single day with guilt. I have recurring dreams about it. We have 2 kids and coparent. They have adjusted well. I don’t know how to get past this. I was in a relationship for about 18 months, started about a year after my divorce but it didn’t work out. It never felt right to me. I felt like I was still cheating. I have tried to establish counseling but with Covid no counselors are currently taking patients. I am on a wait list. Anyone here have a similar situation? Any tips to give that have helped you? 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Lost2574 said:

 I was in a relationship for about 18 months, started about a year after my divorce but it didn’t work out. It never felt right to me. I felt like I was still cheating. I have tried to establish counseling but with Covid no counselors are currently taking patients

Talk to your physician and get a thorough evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss protracted ruminating and guilt. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist.

 Confused. Is this your situation?:

 

[Lost2574]

Yes that is my situation 

[spiritedaway2003]

On 11/14/2021 at 1:34 PM, Lost2574 said:

I had an affair. Divorced now for just over four years. I still struggle every single day with guilt. I have recurring dreams about it. We have 2 kids and coparent. They have adjusted well. I don’t know how to get past this. I was in a relationship for about 18 months, started about a year after my divorce but it didn’t work out. It never felt right to me. I felt like I was still cheating. I have tried to establish counseling but with Covid no counselors are currently taking patients. I am on a wait list. Anyone here have a similar situation? Any tips to give that have helped you? 

I am sorry you're still struggling with the guilt every single day.  Not knowing the context, I skimmed through part of the thread (though to be honest, the details of most of that is no longer relevant anymore). 

Since you've been divorced 4 years ago, you are free to go about the next chapter in your life, whether that's throwing your energy into being the best co-parent to your kids, pursuing your career or even other relationships.  As you are fully aware, you're not doing anything that should make you feel "guilty" anymore.  You are free to start over. 

My advice is simple.   In much the same way people would advise others to move on after a break-up, it's also the same for you.  Divorce is hard as it is because it represents not just the end of a relationship, but what would (at least in a perfect world), a lifelong commitment to another.   There is a lot of history with the ex and the kids and the life that's built together.  It takes time to grieve the loss of the end of a long marriage, let alone have the trauma of infidelity on top of it. 

What I suspect is that you had not sufficiently dealt with shame from the infidelity, and that is why you have recurring dreams and things don't feel right.   Here's the thing:  You cannot run from yourself and by not sufficiently dealing with the guilt and shame, they take hold and it's very easy to become trapped in the narratives you or even others have built -- that because of what you did, that you're not worthy of healing or deserving of happiness.  I don't know how much of that you're holding on to, if at all.  Yes, you are responsible and accountable for your actions but it also doesn't mean you need to punish yourself indefinitely.  It's even possible that you're holding on to the guilt as a way to punish yourself -- that you deserved what you get for what you did.  The problem is that it doesn't help anyone or absolve the hurt that's already inflicted.  Worse, it will manifest in other ways: in future relationships - even at 4 years out and it's still holding you back.  You can't heal until you spent time to truly work through it. 

So let me phrase this a little differently for you:  Just like your ex and your kids must learn to move on and rebuild, so must you.

I don't have the experience of being a WS, but I learned some valuable life lessons over the years.  First, find some professional counseling again to work through all that is holding you back. Even if there are no in-person counseling options, there are many virtual /telehealth options.  Don't postpone it, even if it's virtual.  When you're in a emotionally healthy place, you will make better decisions.  Make sure you have a safe space for yourself.  

Second, it's been fours years, find a way to move into acceptance.  Accept that the relationship failed and take ownership of your part in it, both good and bad.  Just because the relationship failed does not mean that you're not are worthy of love and healing too. You are.  A failed relationship -- even a failed marriage - is not a life sentence. Who you are as a person, your identity, is greater than the marriage and your past failed relationships or you role that you think you have built for yourself.   Learn from those failed relationships (no one is immune).  Be there for your kids, continue to love your kids deeply.   Work with a therapist on your struggles and focus on growth as a person.  Be kind of yourself.  You cannot force it, but in time, you will find that your guilt won't consume you everyday when you get to a healthier emotional space.  Best of luck.

 

Edited November 16, 2021 by spiritedaway2003

[smackie9]

On 11/14/2021 at 10:34 AM, Lost2574 said:

I had an affair. Divorced now for just over four years. I still struggle every single day with guilt. I have recurring dreams about it. We have 2 kids and coparent. They have adjusted well. I don’t know how to get past this. I was in a relationship for about 18 months, started about a year after my divorce but it didn’t work out. It never felt right to me. I felt like I was still cheating. I have tried to establish counseling but with Covid no counselors are currently taking patients. I am on a wait list. Anyone here have a similar situation? Any tips to give that have helped you? 

Try Doctor on Demand. You can facetime right away with a counselor.