not sure what to do

[tokidoki]

I have a close friend. We were at college together, where she was in a relationship with a guy who I am friends with, but not very close to. It was after we graduated that they broke up, and I started seeing this girl around because we worked in the same area. We hung out a lot and it became obvious we liked each other. We would usually talk about other people we were dating. One night we were out with friends but found ourselves alone and I pointed out the elephant in the room - that we should give a date a go. She agreed in the moment but next day texted saying it wasn't a good idea. I agreed (ex boyfriend still close and within a tight group of mates, neither of us wanted to hurt him). We continued to hang out and got closer, but it started to get a little unbearable knowing it couldn't progress, so I had to tell her that we should probably see less of each other and talk less. She was unhappy and told me that she only 'saw me as a friend'.  We went a few months without talking but gradually came back to a place of mutual understanding and those feelings never really resurfaced, and we remained very good friends.

A few years later (during the pandemic) I had a party at my folks' house in the country. This girl was there and every now and again i caught her looking at me a few times. She then went on and on about trying to make sure she had a place to sleep. She got into my bed that night and we ended up having sex. It wasn't mind-blowing and neither of us had expected it to happen, it just did. I texted another mutual friend of ours who commented on how persistent she'd been about sleeping in my bed, and how it had been such a long time coming. I told her that I was feeling a bit anxious in the wake of it, and wasn't sure how it would affect our relationship.

The problem is that since then, our relationship has suffered and we've grown a bit distant from each other. As much as I put the same amount of effort into our friendship as I used to, I feel like her input has waned a little and she has become more aloof. I've never mentioned this to her,  I just stopped trying - thinking that if she wants to see me she can call me and let me know and we can go out.

I saw her yesterday for the first time in 8 months (the longest we've ever gone without seeing eachother), and I realized that I'd really missed her. I don't want to feel that distance again, but I'm also not sure if I want to have a sexual relationship with her. Fundamentally I don't think we're compatible on a romantic level, and both need things in a relationship that the other can't give. 

I don't know how/whether i should broach this with her.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, verygoodlistener said:

 I'm also not sure if I want to have a sexual relationship with her. 

There's nothing to broach or talk about. You're friends.

She doesn't want to date you. You don't want to date her so it's friends who had a hookup.

Leave the past in the past. Does she want to be friends?

Are either of you dating someone/In a relationship?

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, verygoodlistener said:

I don't want to feel that distance again, but I'm also not sure if I want to have a sexual relationship with her.

It doesn't sound like this is even an option for you, OP. 

It appears that the chemistry wasn't actually there and she isn't very interested. So I don't think there is anything to discuss with her anymore. It wasn't a match she she distanced herself for a reason. 

I would leave it there. 

[tokidoki]

We are friends, but my point is that it feels like the relationship has suffered a bit since we had sex and we're not as close as we were. I don't really care that we had sex and just want things to be normal like they were, but now she's a lot more distant than before. I didn't push to have sex with her, it was other way round. 

[glows]

Yes, your intimacy together likely changed the dynamic a little and she senses that you need more than she can give so lay back a bit more and let her come to you as friend. If she does not, it means she prefers that distance and is comfortable with it that way. I'm certain that the way you feel or your feelings for her are as blazing as a giant neon sign on an empty highway so let it be for now and start turning your focus to yourself and other things. 

Things will likely not be "normal like they were" because of your feelings for her, your anxiousness or wanting to be in contact or missing her. Try to be realistic about this as it's a two way street and now the dynamic between the both of you has changed. I suggest letting her come to you and doing well for yourself regardless. Go about your life and put this behind you. 

Some friendships have a way of coming back later on in true fashion and without any issues but that is rare. I think this is a natural end to a previous chapter. Be willing to move on without her. Consider that it's also doubtful that any new romantic partner of yours would be too pleased seeing you in close friendship with someone you once had romantic ties with. You're doing yourself a disservice in the long run hanging on to this.