My next step? update

[Gaeta]

I came across someone mid-October and we hit it off really good, same age, same humour, he has a lot of the qualities I am looking for in a man, he was equally excited to have found me, it felt genuine. After 6-7 days of exchanging, we were texting the details of our meeting when he droped a bomb on me, he doesn't drive. At the time I was overwhelmed with family matters (my parents moving out of our family home) and I reacted impulsively and dropped him right there. I told him I had a lot on my plate and I could add on top of that a boyfriend that doesn't drive. 

He took it gracefully. He said something like he's disappointed it's all it took for me to end this but he understands it's a deal-breaker.

Fast forward 3 weeks. I have been wondering if I had done the right thing.  I go back to our text and there I realized I had not read all of his text. I had missed a huge paragraph where he was saying he's looking for a house in the suburbs and of course he'll have to get a car eventually. How could I miss that!!!!! sigh. 

So I walked on my pride and I text him. I was ready to get a full rejection, he was worth it. I said hello, that I hoped he didn't mind I was contacting him, that I had been thinking about him and was wondering how he's been doing. 

To my surprise he replied: I am so happy to read you! Why would I mind you contacting me! that's how life is sometimes , I am doing well and you?

I replied back I was doing well etc, and I wanted to apologize for the way I had reacted during or last conversation, that I felt overwhelmed with family matters and my over-reaction to our conversation was not justified.

That was 5 days ago..............nothing back 😞

My daughter, who's tired of me talking about this, says I should have been clearer about wanting to rekindle things between us. 

Your thoughts?

 

 

[Pumpernickel]

Ughhh that’s unfortunate. While I wouldn’t date anyone who doesn’t drive, I applaud you for reaching out trying to start up a conversation again. I feel like the ball is now in his court, since you have apologized and explained yourself. There’s nothing you can do right now. You sent the last message, so he’s the one who should reply at this point. I love how your daughter gives you advice btw. You guys seem to be really close. I love this! (Even if she gets tired of your dating stories occasionally 😂😂 - but what a great mother-daughter relationship! Well done, mom!!!)

I hope he texts you back. Maybe he’s busy because it’s the weekend. Most ppl will have weekend plans, and if he’s still OLD-ing, he probably had some dates set up when you contacted him. 😞 Or he might have felt a little emasculated when you told him that his non-driving is an issue. Maybe he’s still recovering from that and planning out his next step carefully. 

[Gaeta]

@Pumpernickel thank you for the nice compliments 😊

I went back on the dating app we met and he's nowhere. Maybe he met someone, anything is possible. 

[Weezy1973]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@Pumpernickel thank you for the nice compliments 😊

I went back on the dating app we met and he's nowhere. Maybe he met someone, anything is possible. 

Exactly. This is the thing with online dating. Lots of nearly encounters, plenty of one and dones, etc. It sounds to me like you've gone through a lot of the possibilities and are now circling back as there's nobody for you left on the sites. Usually for me that meant it was time to take a break. You could take a few weeks off OLD. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate anyways. When you get back, mix up the pics on your profile. Have a new, recent main pic. These things tend to go in waves; feast and famine...

[FMW]

He may not have taken your apology as an opening to pursue getting together.  He may have thought you felt badly and simply were clearing your conscience.

You don't have anything to lose, other than an ego hit, in reaching out again and saying clearly you would be interested in meeting.  At least then you'll know and can either put it behind you if he's not responsive.

Especially after the age of 40, I don't think it's fair to expect the guy to always be the one risking rejection.

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

 Usually for me that meant it was time to take a break. You could take a few weeks off OLD. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate anyways. When you get back, mix up the pics on your profile. Have a new, recent main pic. These things tend to go in waves; feast and famine...

I took a break that's why you have not heard from me lately 😉

I have met other men, l've even had a date last night but l'm getting picky in terms of compatibility, connection, commun interest, and realizing it doesn't happen that often. 

But l am pessimistic a bit, l agree.

[chillii]

He might be busy, or might've lost interest or he doesn't wanna go any further now bc you as he said , dumped it so easily, or maybe there's someone else now, or maybe maybe.

l'd be thinking it'd be really sucking it up to try him one more time now though bc you already have but for whatever reason it's gone nowhere unless you still hear back from him later. Anyway, usually if something for whatever reason just doesn't seem to wanna happen ,pushing it any further usually just fizzles it out dismally anyway. Maybe he gets back to you yet.

 

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I felt overwhelmed with family matters 

Maybe he just didn't want to get involved.

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Maybe he just didn't want to get involved.

Back in October l mentionned, without details, that l had a trip coming up in november to move my parents  and he said if by then l feel comfortable enough with him he would be happy to help.

[ShyViolet]

He probably doesn't want to go any further with a person who already rejected him once.  And I can't blame him.  Whether the reason was justifiable or not is debatable and irrelevant at this point.  There's also a good chance that he met someone else.

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

He probably doesn't want to go any further with a person who already rejected him once.  And I can't blame him.  Whether the reason was justifiable or not is debatable and irrelevant at this point.  There's also a good chance that he met someone else.

You are probably right but why this enthusiam when l text him? 

[dramafreezone]

 

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I told him I had a lot on my plate and I could add on top of that a boyfriend that doesn't drive. 

With Uber and car ride services, is this really that big of a deal?

I'm looking forward to not driving to be honest.

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

 

With Uber and car ride services, is this really that big of a deal?

I'm looking forward to not driving to be honest.

I had time to de-dramatize since.  I have a teenager so he would not visit me for a few months, l'd be the one going to his. 

I live out of town. A Uber from his place to mine is a good $75. It's not viable long term. But l work downtown so when l invite him he can get to me downtown easily. 

[Girl Fade Away]

19 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I live out of town. A Uber from his place to mine is a good $75. It's not viable long term. 

That would be HIS decision to make tho don't you think?  You did not allow him to make that decision you made it for him and rejected him.  He may have felt emasculated. When you contacted him, it was an ego boost after being rejected.  That is why the initial enthusiasm.  After rethinking it and the way you so quickly dismissed him for something that should have been HIS decision to make w/r/t transport, he chose to take a pass.  I think if he wanted to pursue this, you would have heard back. I'm sorry to say.  I could be wrong, hope I am.

 

Edited November 7, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Veronica73]

Why didn’t you tell him that you realized that you misread his text?

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

That would be HIS decision to make tho don't you think?  You did not allow him to make that decision you made it for him and rejected him.  He may have felt emasculated. When you contacted him, it was an ego boost after being rejected.  That is why the initial enthusiasm.  After rethinking it and the way you so quickly dismissed him for something that should have been HIS decision to make w/r/t transport, he chose to take a pass.  I think if he wanted to pursue this, you would have heard back. I'm sorry to say.  I could be wrong, hope I am.

 

Yes you are right on every points.

[Gaeta]

Just now, Veronica73 said:

Why didn’t you tell him that you realized that you misread his text?

I did not want to send a super long text, l wanted to apologize and it would have come up in our conversation....if he had carried on a conversation.

[Girl Fade Away]

Just now, Gaeta said:

Yes you are right on every points.

  Maybe he will surprise you.  I would not text him again though.  I guess for next time when a man tells you he does not drive or has no car, trust that HE will know what to do and how to court you.  Like previous poster said, Uber, Lyft and the like are becoming very popular now, I hate driving myself!   Good luck @Gaeta.

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

  Maybe he will surprise you.  I would not text him again though. 

Why not?

I was thinking of saying something like if he's still single l'd love to have that coffee with him. 

[Girl Fade Away]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Why not?

I was thinking of saying something like if he's still single l'd love to have that coffee with him. 

Because he knows that already otherwise you would not have made contact again.  And if HE were interested, he would have replied to your last text. I think this was said already, but the ball is his court, I know waiting is hard, but give him time.  Respect him enough to allow him to make the decision this time. Whatever that decision is.  He is NOT waiting for you to chase him, you can bank on that. 

Edited November 7, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[chillii]

3 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

That would be HIS decision to make tho don't you think?  You did not allow him to make that decision you made it for him and rejected him.  He may have felt emasculated. When you contacted him, it was an ego boost after being rejected.  That is why the initial enthusiasm.  After rethinking it and the way you so quickly dismissed him for something that should have been HIS decision to make w/r/t transport, he chose to take a pass.  I think if he wanted to pursue this, you would have heard back. I'm sorry to say.  I could be wrong, hope I am.

 

Accept it wouldn't be anything to do with feeling this or that , he said "so easily". You don't want a partner that will just drop it all over the first thing , that's what was between the lines in his reply and it would be a turn off. But there's more than just that or he'd probably forgive it this once and wanna try it again.

Him not driving was a big thing for Gaeta , but her dropping it boom just like that was a big thing to him. Us males contrary to some female beliefs, aren't all about ego or masculinity , we look for certain things in our women just like women do with men.

Edited November 7, 2021 by chillii

[glows]

Gaeta, I'm going against the grain but as devil's advocate - not particularly because I believe in one way or another. You're contacting him now based on a text you had overlooked on a situation in future tense. He hadn't bought a home and he still doesn't drive. This is him and who he is today, not a future representation of who he can be if he ends up fitting that future plan. You've mentioned a few times elsewhere on other threads or hinted strongly that being able to drive is a motivating factor for dating someone or even a dealbreaker if someone can't drive. I don't think it's a good idea to be warming up to someone who isn't who you'd like him to be as he is now. 

Edited November 7, 2021 by glows

[chillii]

 

Driving is a huge thing. My partner doesn't drive and it is admittedly a pain in the arse.

[LivingWaterPlease]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

Gaeta, I'm going against the grain but as devil's advocate - I don't think it's a good idea to be warming up to someone who isn't who you'd like him to be as he is now. 

I agree with this.

If you can accept him as he is now and you really are interested in him as a person, I would figure out a way to express that you realize you acted hastily, that you respect his gracious and confident response to your recent contact , and that you wanted to be clear with him that if it suits him you'd like to go forward with spending a little time to get to know each other better.

I know this is about you, not me, but with life being as uncertain as it is, it's important to me to be with someone I would love and respect if he lost everything.

 

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I came across someone mid-October and we hit it off really good, same age, same humour, he has a lot of the qualities I am looking for in a man, he was equally excited to have found me, it felt genuine. After 6-7 days of exchanging, we were texting the details of our meeting when he droped a bomb on me, he doesn't drive. At the time I was overwhelmed with family matters (my parents moving out of our family home) and I reacted impulsively and dropped him right there. I told him I had a lot on my plate and I could add on top of that a boyfriend that doesn't drive. 

He took it gracefully. He said something like he's disappointed it's all it took for me to end this but he understands it's a deal-breaker.

Fast forward 3 weeks. I have been wondering if I had done the right thing.  I go back to our text and there I realized I had not read all of his text. I had missed a huge paragraph where he was saying he's looking for a house in the suburbs and of course he'll have to get a car eventually. How could I miss that!!!!! sigh. 

So I walked on my pride and I text him. I was ready to get a full rejection, he was worth it. I said hello, that I hoped he didn't mind I was contacting him, that I had been thinking about him and was wondering how he's been doing. 

To my surprise he replied: I am so happy to read you! Why would I mind you contacting me! that's how life is sometimes , I am doing well and you?

I replied back I was doing well etc, and I wanted to apologize for the way I had reacted during or last conversation, that I felt overwhelmed with family matters and my over-reaction to our conversation was not justified.

That was 5 days ago..............nothing back 😞

My daughter, who's tired of me talking about this, says I should have been clearer about wanting to rekindle things between us. 

Your thoughts?

 

 

 

you blew it by making assumptions without knowing why.

depending on where you live, you might not need a car at all. 
 

you find the costs to have it outweigh owning it.

 

with me. I live in the immediate DC area and I could get to anywhere via bus/ subway. I don’t have a reason to drive anywhere. My car is paid for.  Where I live I pay fir a parking spot monthly as part of my rent. I also pay car insurance, vehicle registration fees and maintenance costs. 
 

this costs me $150+ a month.  I could sell my car for well over $15000 given it’s make model low mileage and problems with new cars. In other places like Manhattan or San Francisco these car costs are much more than mine.

 

for others there coukd be medical reasons they can’t drive. Give your ages youare dating it could be vision problems