My next step? update

[Happy Lemming]

16 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It just dawn on me. 

When he offered to go out for dinner I said about meeting for a coffee over the weekend instead? I remember him hesitating!! and saying something like anytime you want doesn't have to be this weekend ! 'sigh' he's gonna be a waste of my time. 

Maybe try one more time, but give him a couple of days to pick from... Perhaps something like: "I'm free for coffee on Monday or Tuesday, but not Wednesday" .  You may have to lead this guy a little bit.  He may not remember how to date/ask a woman out (since he had been in that long term FWB thing)

[elaine567]

51 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I don't think new guy is serious. He thinks he's serious but he's not. He over-shared a lot on our first phone call, he's 4 weeks out of a FWB situation that lasted a few years. 

Looking for another fwb I guess, but he is looking in the "relationship" pile to get a  better quality of woman...

[Happy Lemming]

As a side note... Why would this guy disclose the fact that he was in a 4 year FWB thing to potential dates??  Doesn't seem like something one should just throw out there.

If a potential date asked me about my last relationship (and I was him), I might defer the question or say something generic like "I was with someone for about 4 years.  It ran its course and we mutually decided to end it"  Then say "I'd really rather not talk about it."

[Gaeta]

Believe me it left me speechless and he went on about them appreciating each other and remaining friends, and her adult children had started teasing them about when they'd move in together...Something is not clear. Sounds more he's 4 weeks out of a relationship not a fwb.

Edited November 19, 2021 by Gaeta

[Weezy1973]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Believe me it left me speechless and he went on about them appreciating each other and remaining friends, and her adult children had started teasing them about when they'd move in together...Something is not clear. Sounds more he's 4 weeks out of a relationship not a fwb.

Time to take a break Gaeta…take a month off. 

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Time to take a break Gaeta…take a month off. 

Why ? Tired of reading how hard it is out there 😉

 

[Weezy1973]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Why ? Tired of reading how hard it is out there 😉

 

Haha. Just worried you’re close to burning out which can lead to negativity. A break can give you a refresh. There’s no rush right? You have a lot on your plate other than dating…

[Gaeta]

17 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Haha. Just worried you’re close to burning out which can lead to negativity. A break can give you a refresh. There’s no rush right? You have a lot on your plate other than dating…

I'm leaving on a trip next week I'll have a big 7 days completely disconnecting from this. Thanks for your concern 🙂

 

[Sun Seeker]

11 hours ago, Gaeta said:

You cannot compare europe to north america.

You know on a map how canada is big right? we are only 38 millions from coast to coast. We are not enough to pay for large transport structures that only a few would use.

Now, even if this man wanted to come to me by bus or metro he could not, the closest metro station to my home is 30 minute drive. 

Where l live, l cannot get milk without a car. we are 8 million in my Province. There are 2 million people living on the island of Montreal that have access to a squelletton of metro, 68 stations, it's a joke of a metro. The rest of us 6 million people live off the island in smaller towns with no metro and lots of kms just to get milk.

Now you know why we drive big cars and trucks. We have to drive long distance for every thing. 

Geez l did not even get into what our winters look like. 

You missed my point. I did not dispute anything regarding whether a car is needed or not to make life easier. It was putting it on your priority list.

I got my licence not too long ago when I was 29. The only reason I got it was because I had just started a relationship with someone in the US, Long Island to be specific. When I visited her, I realised she needed to use her car to get everywhere. I did not want her to always be driving when I went to see her, so when I went back to the UK, I did about 20 hours of lessons and passed my theory and practical first time. So within 2 months I had my licence. Easy peasy, problem solved. After that whenever I visited, I drove about 75% of the time.

You did not even give your guy a chance to do the same, dismissed him instantly, then regretted it. There are more important qualities to look for.

Anyway it doesn't matter anymore as he has been nexted, on to the next one. Looking forward to reading more of your dating stories. 👍

[Girl Fade Away]

18 minutes ago, Sun Seeker said:

I got my licence not too long ago when I was 29. The only reason I got it was because I had just started a relationship with someone in the US, Long Island to be specific. When I visited her, I realised she needed to use her car to get everywhere. I did not want her to always be driving when I went to see her, so when I went back to the UK, I did about 20 hours of lessons and passed my theory and practical first time

Thank you @Sun Seekerthat was my point earlier.  You felt motivated and inspired where as before dating your girlfriend you did not, there was no reason to.

[Gaeta]

26 minutes ago, Sun Seeker said:

So within 2 months I had my licence. Easy peasy, problem solved. 

3 years here to get a permit with your15 points. 

First 13 months of training permit, you cannot drive alone. Then second year with 4 points only and lots of restrictions. You get 1 ticket and it's taken away from you. 3rd year you get more points but but still restrictions. 

Edited November 20, 2021 by Gaeta

[Girl Fade Away]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

3 years here to get a permit with your15 points. 

First 13 months of training permit, you cannot drive alone. Then second year with 4 points only and lots of restrictions. You get 1 ticket and it's taken away from you. 3rd year you get more points but but still restrictions. 

That is a crazy long time, do you the know reasoning for this?  Seems like overkill.  If he lives in the city, I could understand but then again, with kids?   I would think having license and car would be a necessity having children.

In retrospect, him not giving second chance was probably for the best Gaeta.  And agree to keep going you seem to be taking it all in stride and I enjoy reading your stories too. 

Edited November 20, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[basil67]

19 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

That is a crazy long time, do you the know reasoning for this?  Seems like overkill. 

We have a similar system here too.  The learner driver needs 120hrs of supervised driving practice (it's less hours for those over 25yo)  and then all ages have speed limitations and a limited amount of 'points' for three years.  It's designed around the fact that most new drivers are young and statistically over represented in accidents and fatalities.... and all new drivers of any age start driving with a lower skill level of those who've been driving for years. 

Yes, it's onerous as the supervising parent, but I'd much prefer to do it than have them be a fatality.   And it's far better than the old system of us being let loose on the road with insufficient practice.   I get the shivers when I look back at how under prepared I was when I first started driving 😳   My friends say the same thing.

Edited November 20, 2021 by basil67

[Gaeta]

Update on  my new prospect, You guys are gonna laugh.

He text me at 9 am and ask: When am I going to have the pleasure to invite you for a coffee (WTH is that lol)

I replied: I'm waiting for your invitation, has it been so long you've forgotten how to court 😉 

Him: Oh so sorry I thought you were busy and I did not want to add stress on you with an invitation (huh?) tell me when you're free.

I tell him tonight or tomorrow after lunch.

He says ok tonight is great...and adds as it's our first meeting I am letting you chose the place and time. 

This man does not want to make a decision AT ALL, lol. 

Edited November 20, 2021 by Gaeta

[Happy Lemming]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

This man does not want to make a decision AT ALL, lol. 

It's not that... he's just not a confident man.

As a man, you want to show confidence. It has nothing to do with being "rusty" at dating.  Men learned this (many years ago) as boys when we asked that little red-headed girl to the movies for our first ever date. Women appreciate a confident man that is not wishy-washy, especially with date planning. The first and easiest way (to show confidence) is to date plan. Day/Time/Place/Activity.

@Gaeta I'm really sorry you keep finding these guys that have no clue and no backbone.

[FMW]

If you still feel any interest for him, go ahead and name a place and time.  That way you won't second guess yourself later about letting him go.  But I wouldn't have much patience with any further shows of passivity. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

He says ok tonight is great...and adds as it's our first meeting I am letting you chose the place and time. This man does not want to make a decision AT ALL, lol. 

No. He's a being a gentleman and allowing you to make the choices for safety/comfort reasons. Learn to read the signals. A creep who dictates the time, place, etc. is someone who's selfish and making it as convenient for himself as possible with zero regard for your safety and comfort. Readjust your interpretation.  

[Happy Lemming]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

A creep who dictates the time, place, etc. is someone who's selfish and making it as convenient for himself as possible with zero regard for your safety and comfort. Readjust your interpretation.  

The woman has every opportunity to say "No" to a place or time. 

She can easily respond "No, I'm sorry I don't really feel comfortable going to ABC Diner on Main Street, perhaps we could meet at Starbucks on Baker Street for that cup of coffee??"

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

No. He's a being a gentleman and allowing you to make the choices for safety/comfort reasons. Learn to read the signals. A creep who dictates the time, place, etc. is someone who's selfish and making it as convenient for himself as possible with zero regard for your safety and comfort. Readjust your interpretation.  

Who said dictate? He could have offered a place. I'm assertive enough to say l don't like the place or neighborhood. I'm always the one with the homework of finding a place. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I'm always the one with the homework of finding a place. 

You should have a regular list of places near you that you feel comfortable going to. It's that simple. Why haggle or negotiate? He asked you where you would like to go. Or do you actually not want to meet?

First he proposes dinner you nixed  that and stated You wanted coffee. So now he puts the ball in your court (because he already senses you're 'difficult') and you're still pissed? It's unclear why you are giving them such a hard time and setting them up in no-win situations so you can be angry that they're jerks?

[Girl Fade Away]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's unclear why you are giving them such a hard time and setting them up in no-win situations so you can be angry that they're jerks?

No disrespect @Gaetabut I have been wondering the same thing.  Same with no-car guy.  Are you still harboring some anger at your ex? 

I posted this in previous thread, but being flexible and open are valuable qualities and will take you far..  Much farther than where your current mindset is taking you. 

Apologies if I was out of line saying that.  But you seem hurt by men, and it is impacting you in a negative way. Maybe it IS time for a break as @Weezymentioned.  I'm sorry.

 

Edited November 20, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Gaeta]

@Wiseman2: There is being a gentleman, and there is passiveness.

He offered dinner 'when I want', that's not an invitation but I counter offered coffee over the weekend. I'm telling him when I'm free and he's not jumping on the opportunity to book a time and place, nope! he replies intead ok, for a coffee, doesn't have to be this weekend, anytime you want. Then this morning he says: when am I gonna have the pleasure to invite you for a coffee? Didn't I already tell this guy days ago I was free over the weekend and he did nothing? 

I will give him a time and place, and I will go meet him with a smile. But is this representative of what dating him will be like?

[Gaeta]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's unclear why you are giving them such a hard time and setting them up in no-win situations so you can be angry that they're jerks?

I'm giving men a hard time? Holy cow! if you follow my history then you'll see everyone keeps saying I'm too nice, I ignore red flags, I give them too many chances etc etc etc. It's the contrary of giving them a hard time!

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

I posted this in previous thread, but being flexible and open are valuable qualities and will take you far..  Much further than where your current mindset is taking you. 

 

My openned mind leads me to meeting pervs, gold-diggers, flakes.

[glows]

Tell him the place and time. Then meet with him. It should be ok. 

Try not to assume too much this early. Although if he seems off or strange in explicable ways, your gut feeling, decline meeting. Trust your instincts.