My next step? update

[Veronica73]

6 hours ago, Sun Seeker said:

Because putting *must drive* on your list is incredibly shallow. It's a very non important factor when you decide whether you want to spend your life with someone.

It must be a USA/Canada thing, the obsession with driving, as here in Europe, nobody gives a **** whether you drive or not. It's literally the last thing on a list when looking at prospective partners. Actually it wouldn't even be on the list.

Seriously…it’s not the same. At all. Unless you live in NYC or maybe someplace like LA. Even then, not being able to drive precludes you from visiting huge swaths of the country. Basically, you don’t really know what you are talking about.

Also….as to compatibility, how in the world would Geata know if they were compatible with each other. They barely know each other. I’m not sure if they even met. Attraction and having fun doesn’t mean you’re compatible long term.

[Ami1uwant]

22 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He wants to take me out to dinner this weekend. I offered to meet over coffee, I think he was disappointed. He's new to online dating, he will eventually catch on. 

does it matter the kind or car? How it operates?

[Girl Fade Away]

5 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

They never even met. It takes months or even longer to assess compatibility for a long term relationship. 

I do not disagree, but I was reiterating what @Gaetaherself wrote, have you read her posts talking about him?  Describing him?  Other than the driving issue?  That is why she reached out again, because of how compatible they were and how they connected (OK it was on line but she was attracted and felt something),  Her own words paraphrasing. 

As pointed out earlier, not drving is a circumstance easily remedied and up to now he never needed.  Has nothing to do with personality and core values.  Or even being compatible.

Edited November 19, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Gaeta]

42 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

does it matter the kind or car? How it operates?

When l met my ex he had an old rusted beaten car and that did not prevent me from falling for him.

You guys take this too far.

[Saracena]

On 11/18/2021 at 2:04 PM, Gaeta said:

Ironically, my new prospect works for Ministry of Transport and drives 600km a day haha. 

But surely Gaeta, he's want a break (no pun intended!) from driving in his free time? 😀

[elaine567]

7 hours ago, Sun Seeker said:

It must be a USA/Canada thing, the obsession with driving, as here in Europe, nobody gives a **** whether you drive or not. It's literally the last thing on a list when looking at prospective partners. Actually it wouldn't even be on the list.

It depends where you live. In country areas a car is essential and where public transport is sparse a car is definitely necessary.
I am also in Europe and I agree with Gaeta, I wouldn't want a man who cannot drive.
"Everybody" who is old enough, drives where I live.

[Girl Fade Away]

@Gaetaan anecdotal situation.  When I first met my boyfriend he was without job, he was in between.  He had not completed his degree.  I could have dumped for that, many women would have.  Even though there was a high level of interest and I was very attracted like you are, or were.

Soon after we began dating, he went back to school for degree.  He got a part time job.  I never even asked.  He wanted to because he wanted to be the best man he could be.  He felt motivated and inspired.  Now today he is a successful real estate entrepreneur.  And we have a great relationship.

The driving, again easily remedied.  I am baffled why so many people place such high value on something so easily remedied as him taking a driving test and buying car.  If he did not and it became an issue, dump, but when you find someone you like, who you are attracted to, who meets your standards in every way other than this one circumstances, why not give a chance and at least meet?  

You said you nexted on impulse.  Fair enough I have done same and of course regretted.  Then learned to be more flexible and less impulsive, it has served me well. 

Edited November 19, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

I am baffled why so many people place such high value on something so easily remedied as him taking a driving test and buying car.

He is in his 50s, if it was so easily remedied would he not have done it by now?

[Acacia98]

21 hours ago, Alvi said:

If you are looking for a life-long partner, you are allowed to be as shallow as you want.

To a certain extent, I agree with this perspective. The qualities that matter to you matter to you, however shallow they may seem to an outsider. I think it's better to cross someone off your list of potential dates because they don't meet your fundamental criteria than it is to date them and be silently or vocally resentful of them for not meeting your standards. And I say this, knowing full well that someone may cross me off their list for a "shallow" reason. 

[Girl Fade Away]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He is in his 50s, if it was so easily remedied would he not have done it by now?

He told Gaeta he never needed to but was open to getting.   I don't know maybe it is different when you get older, not disputing that possibility.  But Gaeta DID regret her decision to impulsivly dump him so I think it is good she is revisting the issue within herself.  

Edited November 19, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[elaine567]

9 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

To a certain extent, I agree with this perspective. The qualities that matter to you matter to you, however shallow they may seem to an outsider. I think it's better to cross someone off your list of potential dates because they don't meet your fundamental criteria than it is to date them and be silently or vocally resentful of them for not meeting your standards. And I say this, knowing full well that someone may cross me off their list for a "shallow" reason. 

Shallow is what early dating is all about.

[Girl Fade Away]

14 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Shallow is what early dating is all about.

That might be true, but then stick to it.  Do not go back on it, that is when it gets confusing.  Gaeta dumped for not driving, told him why then took it back and wanted to meet. 

If driving is a standard, a requirement then dump and do not look back.  That is the only reason for my posts, because Gaeta herself questioned her reasons and I was nudging her to step out of the box and open her mind to a different way of thinking.  It would open up more options for her if nothing else.  Not just about driving. 

Edited November 19, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Saracena said:

But surely Gaeta, he's want a break (no pun intended!) from driving in his free time? 😀

I've asked my new prospect what he thinks of road trips and weekend out of town if it means more driving. He said he likes driving so it does not interfere and loves getting out of town on weekends. 

[Alvi]

51 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

The driving, again easily remedied.  I am baffled why so many people place such high value on something so easily remedied as him taking a driving test and buying car. 

It's not that simple if you live in Canada, where Gaeta is from. It takes at least 3 years to get a full blown driving license. Here, you cannot take a road test for a year or more after you get your learners. You have to drive with someone in a meantime. Then, you have to take another road test 2 years later.

[Girl Fade Away]

26 minutes ago, Alvi said:

It's not that simple if you live in Canada, where Gaeta is from. It takes at least 3 years to get a full blown driving license. Here, you cannot take a road test for a year or more after you get your learners. You have to drive with someone in a meantime. Then, you have to take another road test 2 years later.

OK did not know that.  So @Gaetaif I may ask, after you initially dumped, what changed your mind?  If HE had been open to meeting you, giving second chance, would you have overlooked that he did not drive?  I am assuming you would have otherwise you woukd not have reached out again.   What did you envision happening given what @Alviposted above? 

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

OK did not know that.  So @Gaetaif I may ask, after you initially dumped, what changed your mind?  If HE had been open to meeting you, giving second chance, would you have overlooked that he did not drive?  I am assuming you would have otherwise you woukd not have reached out again.   What did you envision happening given what @Alviposted above? 

I thought my situation is different than when I met my ex. I was living by myself then so we spent all our time at my place and to get here a man needs to drive. Now I have kiddo with me, so it's me that will visit a new boyfriend for at least 6 months. In 6 months I could have assessed how is life with a none-driving man. 

[Gaeta]

About my new prospect: 

We're Friday and I still did not receive an official invite to meet with a time and place. He mentioned twice he'd like to take me out to dinner anytime I want. I counter offered to meet over coffee.

This *anytime I want* means it's up to me to offer a time and place?

He sent me a message this morning saying he's considering driving out of town to the country side this weekend, to enjoy the fall colors. huh? 

[Alvi]

27 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

About my new prospect: 

We're Friday and I still did not receive an official invite to meet with a time and place. He mentioned twice he'd like to take me out to dinner anytime I want. I counter offered to meet over coffee.

This *anytime I want* means it's up to me to offer a time and place?

He sent me a message this morning saying he's considering driving out of town to the country side this weekend, to enjoy the fall colors. huh? 

Till he actually officially asks you out it's not a date.

"Anytime I want" is a very lazy unimaginative approach. He threw you an olive branch to show you that he is interested but expects you to do all the work in a meantime. 

Maybe he is only going out of town for few hours, not the whole weekend. Or maybe not. 

He is probably not that interested, sorry to say. 

Edited November 19, 2021 by Alvi

[FMW]

That's frustrating.  Why mention his possible plans for the weekend without either asking you to join him or specifically giving you another day as a possibility of getting together?  My instinct would be to ignore the message and see if he follows up with something more clear.  I'm not one of those women that expect the guy to do all the work in pursuing and planning, but sheesh, this doesn't even meet the minimum required.  

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

This *anytime I want* means it's up to me to offer a time and place?

A date is Day/Time/Place/Activity... all four items

Day = Friday

Time = 8:00pm

Place = ABC Diner on Main Street

Activity = Coffee and a piece of pie

That is a date, anything short of that is not a date.  I really don't understand guys that do this half baked attempt at planning a date. Take charge and set the parameters of the meeting/date.

Now if the woman says "Oh Friday is bad for me", then the guy should have a "plan B" date -- again with day/time/place/activity.

[S2B]

The new guy is inadequate. I’d bet money someone else is joining him to see “the fall colors”.

Edited November 19, 2021 by S2B

[Gaeta]

I don't think new guy is serious. He thinks he's serious but he's not. He over-shared a lot on our first phone call, he's 4 weeks out of a FWB situation that lasted a few years. 

[S2B]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

I don't think new guy is serious. He thinks he's serious but he's not. He over-shared a lot on our first phone call, he's 4 weeks out of a FWB situation that lasted a few years. 

He also doesn’t know how to make plans for a simple date.

don’t let him waste your time.

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, S2B said:

He also doesn’t know how to make plans for a simple date.

Also, when you proper date plan... Date/Time/Place/Activity then the woman can straight up give you a "yes" or "no" answer.  The process is so much easier that way.  Now if she shoots down both "plan A" and "plan B", I will try one more time, but I'll ask her schedule and try to plan a date that fits her schedule.  If that is met with a "no"... I'm out.

[Gaeta]

It just dawn on me. 

When he offered to go out for dinner I said about meeting for a coffee over the weekend instead? I remember him hesitating!! and saying something like anytime you want doesn't have to be this weekend ! 'sigh' he's gonna be a waste of my time.