Happy Lemming Posted November 20, 2021 Share Posted November 20, 2021 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: He could have offered a place. I'm assertive enough to say l don't like the place or neighborhood. I'm always the one with the homework of finding a place. Absolutely, he should have offered a place and a time. You told him which days would work for you, so you provided your schedule. And yes, I figured you knew which neighborhoods (in your area) you would feel comfortable going to and which were sketchy. And yes, you are assertive enough to tell him if a place/neighborhood makes you uncomfortable. At that point, he can offer his "plan B" place/day/time/activity. And no... you should not have to do the homework of finding a place for coffee/dinner/date, that is his responsibility. He should plan the day/time/place/activity. He is the man, act like one. Being a confident assertive male isn't hard, but it does require a little bit of research in order to date plan. If he doesn't want to do the bare minimum, why should you waste your time and effort. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted November 20, 2021 Share Posted November 20, 2021 Much of this comes down to dating preference in a date or partner. Since you've already organized a date together, enjoy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Girl Fade Away Posted November 20, 2021 Share Posted November 20, 2021 (edited) 36 minutes ago, glows said: Much of this comes down to dating preference in a date or partner. Absolutely. 100% agree with glows as usual. As an example of that, personally I prefer that a man ask me what day works best for me and if I have a favorite place. OR better yet we decide together. For me, I find a man announcing date, time, place without my input first to be extremely arrogant. Presumptuous. Right up there with taking it upon himself to order my meal without asking if I even want or like what he is ordering! That is not confidence, it is arrogance. BUT that is ME, another woman may prefer that style, which is OK! We all have different preferences as @glowsposted. Edited November 20, 2021 by Girl Fade Away Link to post Share on other sites
Girl Fade Away Posted November 20, 2021 Share Posted November 20, 2021 (edited) On the other hand, a man 'suggesting' a day and place and asking if that works for me is also fine. And I am thinking that this may be what Gaeta was referring to. He made no suggestions, left it all up to her. Passively. So I do understand the frustration with that too. Let's face it, on line dating sucks. Lol Edited November 20, 2021 by Girl Fade Away 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 20, 2021 Author Share Posted November 20, 2021 (edited) There is a world between arrogance and passiveness. * would you like to meet over coffee Saturday, l know this amazing cake place at the corner of X and z, is 20h good for you?* ...how is that arrogant? My reply is: l'd love too OR...l counter offer *about 2pm l have something in the evening.* Edited November 20, 2021 by Gaeta 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Girl Fade Away Posted November 20, 2021 Share Posted November 20, 2021 (edited) 2 minutes ago, Gaeta said: There is a world between arrogance and passiveness. * would you like to meet over coffee Saturday, l know this amazing cake place at the corner of X and z, is 20h good for you?* ...how is that arrogant? My reply is: l'd love too OR...l counter offer *about 2pm l have something in the evening.* I agree that is NOT arrogant, it's lovely. Please read my subsequent post Gaeta. I understand your frustration. Edited November 20, 2021 by Girl Fade Away 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 21, 2021 Author Share Posted November 21, 2021 I'm back from my date. It went well. We were there almost 3 hours and conversation never died. No doubt he is a nice guy. He comes across as someone reliable and honest. He clarified his last relationship, they were friends for a few years then they started dating. They dated 2.5 years and they both came to the realization they never fell in love with each other. That ended 2 months ago and they're remaining friends. He says he loves her like a sister. She has 2 children early 20s and he said not having them in his life anymore is the hardest. When we left he said he'd like to see me again and if I'd like to go out to eat and a movie. I said yes I'd like that. He's 53, well put together, shaved head I like that, tall, nice smile, there is nothing to 'not like' but I didn't feel like kissing him. Maybe that can grow in a few more dates. He text me after our date that he enjoyed himself and he found me adorable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted November 21, 2021 Share Posted November 21, 2021 You adorable thenggg you 😍 . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 21, 2021 Author Share Posted November 21, 2021 2 minutes ago, chillii said: You adorable thenggg you 😍 . It's 100% better than the "l like your arse' follow up text l got not long ago lol. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted November 21, 2021 Share Posted November 21, 2021 Just now, Gaeta said: It's 100% better than the "l like your arse' follow up text l got not long ago lol. Haaa yep , nothin wrong with adorable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted November 21, 2021 Share Posted November 21, 2021 (edited) So that’s the relationship he described as FWB? I’m sorry to be a Debbie Downer….but it’s hard for me to swallow a relationship described a 4 year FWB thing, and then described as a 2.5 year relationship that didn’t progress…..to saying he loves her like a sister. I know I keep being negative about these guys…..but…..weird. For me it would be more believable to say that things didn’t work out but they are still friends. I mean…I’m still friends with a couple of my exes….but to say I love them like I love my brothers? No…..totally different. Potentially sounds like an excuse to put her above you. Like instead of saying they are just friends…which would make you kind of an equal once you were dating more seriously/exclusively….saying she’s like a sister means that she’ll be much more important than you for a very long time. Edited November 21, 2021 by Veronica73 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 21, 2021 Share Posted November 21, 2021 4 hours ago, Gaeta said: He clarified his last relationship, they were friends for a few years then they started dating. They dated 2.5 years and they both came to the realization they never fell in love with each other. That ended 2 months ago and they're remaining friends. He says he loves her like a sister. She has 2 children early 20s and he said not having them in his life anymore is the hardest. This is troublesome. He thinks of this relationship as just a FWB one Despite dating for 2.5 years.... He totally trashed this girl. Single mother - just a FWB. Then tries to save himself by saying he loves her like a sister... I guess he probably has a problem with relationships and maybe women too. Why did you even bother with this guy? I presume you want a relationship. A 53 yo guy in a 4 year FWB relationship does not want tied down, that is obvious... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 21, 2021 Share Posted November 21, 2021 4 hours ago, Gaeta said: . They dated 2.5 years and they both came to the realization they never fell in love with each other. That ended 2 months ago and they're remaining friends. This is a red flag. It seems like he's telling you they are still very much together. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted November 21, 2021 Share Posted November 21, 2021 See how it goes. Two months is too soon out of a relationship, imo. It would make sense why he's finding some aspects tough about the break up and why they're still 'friends'. It may be one of those situations where he branches off to you quickly and lets go of his past but is that something that interests you? I would skip that, no interest. There's no hard and fast rule or whether this would or wouldn't work. It only depends if he/his situation seems attractive or alluring to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sun Seeker Posted November 21, 2021 Share Posted November 21, 2021 Friends for a few years.. dated for 2.5 years.. then realized they don't love each other? So he calls it a FWB situation? Yea right, he's talking ****. He could have just called it a normal relationship, it didn't work out and they both moved on. But instead he loves her like a sister? And misses not having her kids in his life? This guy is a mess when it comes to relationships, and clearly this 'ex' is only going to be a problem. I hope you are not going on another date with him... Find someone with no baggage. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted November 21, 2021 Share Posted November 21, 2021 9 hours ago, Gaeta said: He's 53, well put together, shaved head I like that, tall, nice smile, there is nothing to 'not like' but I didn't feel like kissing him. Maybe that can grow in a few more dates. He text me after our date that he enjoyed himself and he found me adorable. So far... so good... Try another date and see if he (kind of) "grows" on you. I can't see the harm in going out on another date. I wouldn't put too much thought into the "ex" thing, some guys talk too much. If he does bring it up again, shut him down on the subject. For the record, I dislike when anyone uses a new person/date to talk about an ex. Personally, I would not have brought up the subject of ex's, I very much try to avoid it and defer the question if asked. If the woman really pushed for answers, I would have kept it generic. Four year relationship, it ran its course and we parted amicably -- end of story. I would never bring up the "love her like a sister" or "miss her kids" stuff -- that is just bad form. This is why guys need to do research before a date. Take note of some local "feel good" stories in the news and have some amusing stories to tell and ask the other person. Funniest camping story, best birthday, etc. stuff like that. Stay away from the "ex" talk. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 21, 2021 Share Posted November 21, 2021 2 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: Stay away from the "ex" talk. Yes , but for so many on the "older" dating scene the ex or exes are actually pretty important. Past behaviour predicts future behaviour and most want to gauge what they are letting themselves in for pretty quick. Also for some the ex is pretty far up in their mind for good or ill so swapping ex stories is almost inevitable... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted November 21, 2021 Share Posted November 21, 2021 1 minute ago, elaine567 said: Yes , but for so many on the "older" dating scene the ex or exes are actually pretty important. Past behaviour predicts future behaviour and most want to gauge what they are letting themselves in for pretty quick. Also for some the ex is pretty far up in their mind for good or ill so swapping ex stories is almost inevitable... My girlfriend and I are older and we have never talked about our ex's. I did have one question about her divorce, as her ex-husband died in an industrial accident a few years after their divorce, and she had one question about one of my ex's that also passed away. Our prior relationship (just before meeting each other) wasn't important to either of us. I know she has a past and so do I. We have both dated many, many people over the years and we've never discussed ex's or felt the need to discuss ex's. We found other things to talk about on our early dates. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted November 21, 2021 Share Posted November 21, 2021 22 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: My girlfriend and I are older and we have never talked about our ex's. A lot of people have kids with exes which is why talking about exes is sometimes important. If they’re still part of your life. With @Gaeta , the guy’s ex is still involved in his life as a friend. Good to clarify the nature of the relationship. I agree though a second date is fine. Gaeta wasn’t particularly attracted to her ex after their first date if I recall correctly. It took awhile. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 21, 2021 Author Share Posted November 21, 2021 I told him that after a breakup, even the ones that are long overdue, it's good to take a break. He replied he's not in a hurry but would enjoy someone to date and do activities with. He even asked her if she was ok with him starting to date because let's say she enters the coffee shop, he would not want her to be uncomfortable seeing him with another woman. Is it a bit much? He also said if him and I date he hopes eventually I would be friends with her too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 21, 2021 Author Share Posted November 21, 2021 (edited) 20 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: I agree though a second date is fine. Gaeta wasn’t particularly attracted to her ex after their first date if I recall correctly. It took awhile. Exactly, I know I don't always feel instant physical attraction but if the man has qualities I value, attraction can grow over a few dates. In this case here I'd hate to be his rebound though. Edited November 21, 2021 by Gaeta 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted November 21, 2021 Share Posted November 21, 2021 46 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Exactly, I know I don't always feel instant physical attraction but if the man has qualities I value, attraction can grow over a few dates. In this case here I'd hate to be his rebound though. That’s why you multidate in the early stages and don’t get attached to outcomes. He’s just one of many prospects, not the only prospect. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 21, 2021 Share Posted November 21, 2021 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: seeing him with another woman. Run. He's almost spelling out that's he's looking for some easy side action sex. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 21, 2021 Share Posted November 21, 2021 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: would enjoy someone to date and do activities with I can guess the activities he has in mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 21, 2021 Author Share Posted November 21, 2021 🙄 why is it so hard *all the time*! 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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