Dating others while involved with MM?

[ParallelLiving]

I’ve been involved with married man 2,5 years. I think I love him and he’s said he loves me and shows caring. But it’s been 2,5 years now and I’ve started really wondering is this going anywhere ever and should I date other (single!) men too. Idea of dating others is kind of weird and feels cheating, because I care about the man, hope proper, real relationship with him and don’t want to hurt him or ruin things between me and him. But at the same time I’m afraid I’m wasting my life while waiting and longing something that may not never happen. When reading websites and books about the topic I have doubts that I’m just being used, that my MM just knows what to say and do to keep me hanging on and at the end of day I’m alone and hurt and he’s still married. 

 

So, should I start dating others? After all, we don’t have a real relationship where to expect faithfulness.. He’s married with someone else and can’t legally marry me, though I’ve expressed that my wish is to have committed relationship and get married. So it would be unfair to expect me to just sit and wait him, while he has everything in his life and he can’t (and maybe don’t want to) offer anything to me. If he doesn’t like me seeing others (should I even tell him?) then he should arrange things and be fully mine. If he wants me to be faithfull, he should be worth it, right?

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, ParallelLiving said:

I’ve expressed that my wish is to have committed relationship and get married. 

Do you work together? Do you have to see him? Delete and block him from all your messaging apps and social media. End your misery.

It's your responsibility, not his, for you to find decent honest loyal single men to date.

Whatever bad place you were in to even consider being involved in the affair is something you'll also have to reflect on and address.

[vla1120]

I hope you DO date single men. I hope you dump this MM and free yourself from his deceit and manipulation. You have no obligation to your cheating MM. He probably WILL express disapproval at your dating other single men, but imagine the possiblity that you could meet someone who you click with. Imagine connecting with someone who is available and can be YOURS. Imagine not having to wonder when/if your MM is going to leave his wife to be with you. Imagine not wasting YEARS of your precious life, waiting for him to do so. Imagine falling in love with and building a life with someone who is available to do so.

[mark clemson]

When you're ready to move on you will. In the meantime, you'll probably experience significant conflict between your "head" and your "heart," which it sounds like has now begun.

It will probably be a struggle, but it's not fair to yourself in the long term to remain in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs. You may want to try to "pressure" him to leave. If it doesn't work he may end the relationship, but IF he's not going to leave anyhow, that would probably be a good thing as it will bring this to a head and allow you to end it and move on.

[BaileyB]

How many single men are going to want to date you if you are involved in an affair with a MM? And if you don’t plan to be honest with these me , how fair is that to them?

If a legitimate relationship with a man is your goal (one that could potentially progress to marriage and family), you would be wise to stop wasting your time with a man who is otherwise committed to another woman.

Edited November 16, 2021 by BaileyB

[spiritedaway2003]

This is one is of those cases where the idea sounds logical, but it's actually a terrible idea in practice. 

If you don't longer want to waste your time with MM and he's not doing anything to change his situation, then end it.  Give yourself a fighting chance to find someone that you could build a future with.

Don't do this to another single guy.  Recognize the pattern. You would do doing to another what your MM is doing to you (being half available) and not in a place to be in a fully committed relationship.  It's not fair to you.  Don't do it to someone else.

I understand how difficult it is to move on. When you're ready or tire of the situation, you will move on.  Don't put a band-aid on changes that need to happen or put yourself in limbo.

[anika99]

You don't owe this cheating married man any loyalty and he should have no bearing on whether you date or not. However MM are known for double standards so while he thinks it's fine for him to have 2 women and to cheat on his marriage he will likely dump your ass if he discovers that you have had the audacity to see another man, lol. Also if you are dating other men then it's important that you are at least honest enough to tell them  that you are seeing and sleeping with another man, otherwise you will just be manipulating them into a situation with you on false pretenses. 

[ParallelLiving]

You have given me so good and thought-provoking answers, thank you! I’m so glad I found this forum. I don’t have anyone to talk with about this situation that is causing me severe anxiety and depression.

 

“Don't do this to another single guy.  Recognize the pattern. You would do doing to another what your MM is doing to you (being half available) and not in a place to be in a fully committed relationship.  It's not fair to you.  Don't do it to someone else.”

 

That is a very good point, that made me think about how I would be treating others. I also realised that if I would like find a long-lasting relationship, it has to have a beautiful start, not something that I would be ashamed of and would want to hide. Meaning, if I’m willing to find The One, I need to be fully available and focusing on the person I am dating, not be only half available while still waiting if MM wants and chooses me after all. I don’t want MM be the ghost in background and possibly ruin everything.

 

I actually did confront MM this week. I’ve done it couple times before (or more likely, just tried to discuss about the situation), but this time it was different. I know it for sure, because he’s not messaging me like he used to. And I’m relieved! He used to message me all the time. At first I liked it, because it was new and fun and I was in love, but then I started to want some time to focus on my own things and not be available all the time. He texted me about everything he was doing and asked what I was doing and if I didn’t reply in few hours, he texted and asked if everything was ok. I felt it controlling, as if I was obligated to report about my movements. Then I thought I was paranoid and just not used to be in a relationship (like this was even close to a real relationship, ha ha...). He said that when we were texting to each other, he felt I was close to him but that started annoy me too: If he wanted me to be close to him, why didn’t he arrange things so that we could actually be with each other when ever possible? Why did he wanted to feel that I was close to him at days he himself chose to spent with his wife?

 

I went to his house this week. I’ve never been there before during this 2,5 years. I didn’t even try to get in, I didn’t let him know that I was there although he was home at the time. I just wanted to see the place, I wanted to see if it would clarify my thoughts - and it did! I felt so lonely and neglected there, standing in front of the house where the man I love lives and where I am not invited. I realised how far this is far from anything normal. In a normal relationship, I could’ve called “hi I’m at the area, may I pop in?” and he would have been glad. Now there is no chance to even ask. During these 2,5 years, we’ve had sex, we’ve had cozy evening at my home, we had been in public events too, we’ve said “I love you” but I’ve never seen him in his own home and never will. When I told him later about my visit, he just said (texted) “hopefully your walk was refreshing”.

 

I should’ve visited there long ago, so maybe I would’ve saved some time of mine, but I was so naive and inexperienced, he was so convincing and then there was (is) covid and restrictions messing things up big time. I realise now that I’ve been nothing but an entertainer and a shoulder to cry on when things have been bad at his home.

 

I feel so used, stupid and sad. I’m so sad for myself, because I’ve had some traumatic events in the past (childhood trauma is probably one big reason I ended up in this situation) and now there is this new one too, which I have to get over and heal somehow. This is a lesson to learn and I will be wiser in the future, but oh boy how I wish none of this would have never happened.

Edited November 17, 2021 by ParallelLiving

[stillafool]

On 11/15/2021 at 10:30 AM, ParallelLiving said:

If he doesn’t like me seeing others (should I even tell him?) then he should arrange things and be fully mine. If he wants me to be faithfull, he should be worth it, right?

Well most MM in affairs have a very good reason to not want their OW dating and having sex with other men.  She could contract an STD, give it to him and he take it home to his wife.  BAM! his life will explode and the truth will come out.  Not good.

[Myabee]

On 11/15/2021 at 10:30 AM, ParallelLiving said:

I’ve been involved with married man 2,5 years. I think I love him and he’s said he loves me and shows caring. But it’s been 2,5 years now and I’ve started really wondering is this going anywhere ever and should I date other (single!) men too. Idea of dating others is kind of weird and feels cheating, because I care about the man, hope proper, real relationship with him and don’t want to hurt him or ruin things between me and him. But at the same time I’m afraid I’m wasting my life while waiting and longing something that may not never happen. When reading websites and books about the topic I have doubts that I’m just being used, that my MM just knows what to say and do to keep me hanging on and at the end of day I’m alone and hurt and he’s still married. 

 

So, should I start dating others? After all, we don’t have a real relationship where to expect faithfulness.. He’s married with someone else and can’t legally marry me, though I’ve expressed that my wish is to have committed relationship and get married. So it would be unfair to expect me to just sit and wait him, while he has everything in his life and he can’t (and maybe don’t want to) offer anything to me. If he doesn’t like me seeing others (should I even tell him?) then he should arrange things and be fully mine. If he wants me to be faithfull, he should be worth it, right?

Well I can tell you my mess. Mine all started 18 months ago and late last night his wife found out about me. This is a risk you are taking. Think long and hard because I did not and now she found out and it's just not good.