How can I get my wife to stop confronting people?

[Woggle]

My wife hates seeing people mistreated and abused and that is certainly an admirable trait but at the end of the day I worry about her and what some lunatic will do to her. The other day she saw a woman abusing a teenage cashier in the supermarket over pretty much nothing and she stepped in and defended the cashier.  This woman who she confronted called her a nasty word and threatened her which prompted security to kick her out. At the height of the pandemic she confronted a woman in a pharmacy trying on lipsticks and putting them back on the shelf.

Part of me wants to high five her but another part of me realizes that people these days have lost their damn mind and she could end up getting stabbed or shot or just assaulted. It's not worth putting yourself in danger in a society that seems to be getting worse by the day. How do I talk to her about this without coming across as controlling?

[Girl Fade Away]

10 minutes ago, Woggle said:

My wife hates seeing people mistreated and abused and that is certainly an admirable trait but at the end of the day I worry about her and what some lunatic will do to her. The other day she saw a woman abusing a teenage cashier in the supermarket over pretty much nothing and she stepped in and defended the cashier.  This woman who she confronted called her a nasty word and threatened her which prompted security to kick her out. At the height of the pandemic she confronted a woman in a pharmacy trying on lipsticks and putting them back on the shelf.

Part of me wants to high five her but another part of me realizes that people these days have lost their damn mind and she could end up getting stabbed or shot or just assaulted. It's not worth putting yourself in danger in a society that seems to be getting worse by the day. How do I talk to her about this without coming across as controlling?

@Woggleyour wife is a 'justice warrior' I can relate!   Not to that extreme but it really winds me up when I see people mistreated especially the elderly which I see all the time and sometimes I WILL step in on their behalf, I have done so a couple of times.  But I pick my battles.  A woman trying on lipsticks, probably not her place to call the woman out, better to inform the manager and let them call her out.  

Have you discussed with her the possibility that she may be placing herself in danger in some situations?    I don't think that sounds controlling, it sounds like a concerned husband.

Edited November 16, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Happy Lemming]

As for the supermarket, perhaps you could explain to your wife that the cashiers and other staff have specific policies and procedures (set in place) for dealing with problem customers.  I imagine their legal department has advised them exactly what to do and what not to do.  Your wife "stepping in" only complicates the situation and puts the cashier and other employees "at risk" of a lawsuit or worse.

Unless I am directly threatened by a situation (at a store), it is best to leave any altercations/issues to the managers/security at any store.

And you are correct there are a lot of "crazies" in the world.  Some people have lost quite a bit during the pandemic and you really don't know what will set them off. 

[Alpacalia]

I'm not sure anyone enjoys watching someone mistreated or abused, but it appears your wife has a pattern of regularly interfering in other people's affairs (conflicts)?

Her intentions may be good, but interfering people sometimes have boundary difficulties, so they need to learn to be respectful and back off rather than getting involved in other people's affairs.

Confrontation is about assessing and resolving concerns.

So, perhaps a good place to start is to ask her about her purpose for intervening in the first place, while also expressing your worries for her safety and offering your thoughts.

 

[Woggle]

Believe me it comes from a good place. She is the most genuinely good person I have ever known and I know she just wanted to let this cashier know that somebody had her back. She also didn't want somebody to get sick from infected lipstick. I have have given cashiers compliments and comfort myself after witnessing bad customers and I always over tip because I appreciate what they do especially in these times. 

I am just worried about her trying to confront potentially unstable and violent people who could turn that violence towards her. There is an air of violence, hatred and menace with much of the world today and you have to think about your own safety first. 

I did talk to her and she gets it and said that deep down she knows I am right but it is a sad state of the world when these things just get accepted as normal. She does agree that becoming a statistic herself won't help anybody and will let security handle it from now on.

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, Woggle said:

I did talk to her and she gets it and said that deep down she knows I am right but it is a sad state of the world when these things just get accepted as normal. She does agree that becoming a statistic herself won't help anybody and will let security handle it from now on.

That's good.

When I was in younger I used to intervene when people mistreated my friends and one time I stepped in and pounded this girl to the ground. Fortunately, that's where it ended.

I'm glad you were able to resolve it and hopefully she'll try to approach it a bit more delicately or pick and choose her battles a bit more wisely.

 

 

[Taramere]

1 hour ago, Woggle said:

Believe me it comes from a good place. She is the most genuinely good person I have ever known and I know she just wanted to let this cashier know that somebody had her back. She also didn't want somebody to get sick from infected lipstick. I have have given cashiers compliments and comfort myself after witnessing bad customers and I always over tip because I appreciate what they do especially in these times. 

 

I can certainly see why she'd have a concern about that, and I've also consoled cashiers who were treated badly by other customers.  Stepping in as a confrontational rescuer rarely works out well, though.  I think that tv programme "what would you do?" has a lot to answer for in terms of congratulating people for getting fired into bullies.  In a scenario featuring actors, of course it doesn't go badly...but in real life, the chances are that a lot of those heroes of "what would you do?" who aggressively confront bullies in the street would probably get beaten up.

Generally I think the way for your wife to help in these situations would be to approach a manager discreetly, and tell them what she's seen...then let the shop deal with the matter.

[basil67]

@Woggle my daughter's first job was cashier and she has experienced the type of terrible behaviour that your wife stands up to.   My instinct is also to stand up for them, but daughter told me that it's far better to be kind and supportive to the cashier when the abuser has gone.   Perhaps the angle of this young cashier may sway your wife into a more gentler approach.

And yes - with the trying on of lipstick, reporting it to the staff would be the best option

[Wiseman2]

Agree. It's best to stay in your own lane unless it's an emergency and your saving a life/preventing a crime etc.

Just be extra nice or polite instead of adding fuel to the flame. 

True. It's a lot like those road rage incidents where overly righteous drivers were shot by some lunatics.

[basil67]

@Wiseman2 While I agree that Woggle's wife is going a step too far in the supermarket, what is "overly righteous" about defending someone who's in a position where they can't defend themselves?  

If I saw someone in a street/public transport etc being verbally attacked/bullied and was unable to defend themselves, I'd get involved.  Though preferably in a manner which would diffuse or protect rather than escalate.  I think it will be a sad day when we no longer help those who need help. 

Edited November 16, 2021 by basil67

[glows]

There are ways to diffuse a situation but adding fuel to fire or more aggression to an already heightened situation is just not helpful to anyone. How your wife handled it isn't clear. Did she step in calmly? Or was it a matter of your wife also getting angry and upset with the situation? 

Since you've already spoken with her and she understands, hopefully she thinks twice about another interaction. I'm sure she was a good enough judge of the situation to figure out whether it was worth it to step in at the time. You married her so you have also married her judgment, her opinions and her character. Being in shopping center or near a cashier would have assured there's some security or others nearby also, as opposed to a quiet or deserted area.