When should I recontact my ex [merged threads]

[Aventra]

I broke up with my long distance ex twice. The first time we ended on a good note. She still loved me. I was devastated at the loss and rushed to date. We then started being fwb although she knew I was dating. I went on a date with someone before we started as fwb and didn't want to stop with this other person as I had paranoia my ex would end the fwb. I couldn't fully enjoy being fwb as I loved my ex and I couldn't focus on this other person but I was selfish... I didn't want to be alone and I was insecure about finding anyone else so it was a confidence boost. My ex had said we should stop fwb when I start seeing someone. I didn't have sex with this person but when she went to kiss me I allowed her to and I told my ex who acted like I'd cheated on her. Somehow we ended up back together after that!

 

Anyway many times during the relationship my ex talked about ending things even when things seemed good as she couldn't see a future. Neither of us wanted to move and at least initially I didn't want a family. We broke up again a year on when she dumped me the second time. She said she still loved me and I accepted the ending. However a week later she snooped through my emails and found something I was ashamed of. I tried to  stupidly deny it  and after that things went downhill and she no longer loved me. We met up shortly afterwards and I cried my eyes out then I maintained communication for two more months. We had three video chats but the second went badly and she asked for no contact.  I gave her just over a week got back in touch and we talked nicely again. We had an amazing final video chat bit afterwards she admitted she was sad missing the times we had when things were good. She asked me not to contact her and said in time maybe will we be together or maybe we won't be 

 

I've gone over two months now with no contact and I'm finally getting through it. It's a shame we ended on a good note and things went badly after we broke up very much like last time ! I was thinking of sending a happy Christmas message but I won't. At the moment I'm thinking of just being friendly with her and I don't want to be with her as things stand as I can see the distance was problematic but miss her as a friend and would like to keep a communication open incase we move to the same place in the future and  get back together. After she broke up with me she said she wanted my baby !

Anyway her birthday is June and will be 9 months with no contact by then assuming she doesn't contact me 

Should I send a birthday message or leave it? I guess I will know better by then if I want to keep things open or not. It will be weird wondering if she has anyone 

I was her first serious boyfriend at the age of 29 . Other than the above we had a great relationship. Never argued or had anything toxic only bad thing was her constantly threatening to end it which she apologised for

Edited April 7, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[glows]

You seem lonely and reflecting on the past. 

Let's say you went for a third round and ended up reconnecting, do you really think her lack of trust and inability to see a future with you will change? It seems there was some loss of trust and respect in the emails or duplicity sleeping with her and seeing someone else after the first break up. She made it known that you were both incompatible or she didn't want to be with you while she was with you also and broke up with you twice. It doesn't seem like LD is the only factor in her choosing to let go. 

Whatever you do, be prepared for this to fall apart yet a third time as this seems to be the track record of interactions you both have. 

I think you are holding yourself back from truly moving on. We all get lonely from time to time but use that time more productively. Don't self-sabotage and go backwards.

[Aventra]

4 hours ago, glows said:

You seem lonely and reflecting on the past. 

Let's say you went for a third round and ended up reconnecting, do you really think her lack of trust and inability to see a future with you will change? It seems there was some loss of trust and respect in the emails or duplicity sleeping with her and seeing someone else after the first break up. She made it known that you were both incompatible or she didn't want to be with you while she was with you also and broke up with you twice. It doesn't seem like LD is the only factor in her choosing to let go. 

Whatever you do, be prepared for this to fall apart yet a third time as this seems to be the track record of interactions you both have. 

I think you are holding yourself back from truly moving on. We all get lonely from time to time but use that time more productively. Don't self-sabotage and go backwards.

When we were fwb I thought it was an end and didn't think we were getting back together as I'd previously pleaded and it hadn't worked . We only met as fwb once and I had my second date with the other person after that time because I assumed the fwb was likely to end very soon. Plus whilst fwb she told me she hoped I'd find someone decent. It was stupid in hindsight as I was very sad with the other person but was forcing myself to see them so that psychologically I wasn't thinking I was with my ex again given we started fwb just a month after separating having been together a year at that point. Clearly communication wasn't great at that time.  I didn't feel like I was seeing the other person  and I wasn't keeping the fact I was going on dates a secret. 

 

Yes you're right I have been lonely. I'm seeing a therapist now which she knows so I can improve myself. What happened after the first breakup was damaging but  the second year we were together was great and we had a strong relationship.  She said as far as she was concerned we never split up. 

 

Yes there's more than just the distance.  It was confusing before she broke the second time that she was saying how much she loved me so although I knew a break up might come as she'd hinted we needed to talk about us it was still a shock and before the email thing she said it would be hard for us to move on still loving each other. She said she wanted to see if I'd move one day and have a family one day and she didn't know why she kept waiting... I thought I made it clear I was open to moving even though I'm a home owner and it would mean renting and had changed my mind about kids but maybe didn't communicate that well enough 

 

I guess there was the initial promise after the first break up and even the second of being on good terms which I'm missing but I guess being friends with an ex is never that easy. 

Edited November 18, 2021 by Aventra

[Wiseman2]

Free yourselves from this. On/off is nothing but headaches, heartaches and games.

Why is it a distance relationship? Are you both away for school or work?

How does that factor into this chaos? For example, when you are in the same area you hook up but then breakup when it goes back to a distance situation?

It may be best not to contact her. She knows your contact information. Hopefully you're not just contacting her under the guise of reconciliation when you want sex, right?

[glows]

3 hours ago, Aventra said:

She said she wanted to see if I'd move one day and have a family one day and she didn't know why she kept waiting... I thought I made it clear I was open to moving even though I'm a home owner and it would mean renting and had changed my mind about kids but maybe didn't communicate that well enough 

From the sounds of it the both of you didn't communicate enough and things fell apart. Regardless of your background or what state of mind you are both in, this is just not working. She seems unsure and shaky about you and you both have agreed to play out a situation that doesn't end well in most cases. Long distance relationships need communication and some planning for longevity or the future, to eventually bridge that gap. Otherwise, it is only a castle in the air or a house of cards, figment of imagination or illusion. This may appeal also to emotionally unavailable individuals so my first look would be within, in your shoes, and figure out whether you are actually emotionally available or open to a relationship in real time or locally.

The fwb seems like her way of grieving and saying goodbye, transitioning and letting go but I think you know deep down she's not in the right frame of mind. She runs hot/cold, has seemingly unreasonable expectations for you to move to be with her although there was no real plan or agreement to do so from you and made a somewhat irrational comment wanting to have your baby after she broke up with you a second time. Is having children something that either of you want or have talked about? Why would she say something like this unless she knows it's a weak spot or something that you find irresistible or tempted by? At best, it's irrational. At worst, manipulative. In all, just doesn't make sense. 

I still don't think contacting her is a good idea. Beginning this at the start as a LD relationship might not have been a good idea but you both gave it a shot. It didn't work and it's time to let go.

 

 

 

Edited November 18, 2021 by glows

[Aventra]

On 11/18/2021 at 7:15 AM, glows said:

From the sounds of it the both of you didn't communicate enough and things fell apart. Regardless of your background or what state of mind you are both in, this is just not working. She seems unsure and shaky about you and you both have agreed to play out a situation that doesn't end well in most cases. Long distance relationships need communication and some planning for longevity or the future, to eventually bridge that gap. Otherwise, it is only a castle in the air or a house of cards, figment of imagination or illusion. This may appeal also to emotionally unavailable individuals so my first look would be within, in your shoes, and figure out whether you are actually emotionally available or open to a relationship in real time or locally.

The fwb seems like her way of grieving and saying goodbye, transitioning and letting go but I think you know deep down she's not in the right frame of mind. She runs hot/cold, has seemingly unreasonable expectations for you to move to be with her although there was no real plan or agreement to do so from you and made a somewhat irrational comment wanting to have your baby after she broke up with you a second time. Is having children something that either of you want or have talked about? Why would she say something like this unless she knows it's a weak spot or something that you find irresistible or tempted by? At best, it's irrational. At worst, manipulative. In all, just doesn't make sense. 

I still don't think contacting her is a good idea. Beginning this at the start as a LD relationship might not have been a good idea but you both gave it a shot. It didn't work and it's time to let go.

 

 

 

Thanks for replies 

I should add after all this she was open about talking about the possibility of getting together in two years time. I guess I'm like a backup especially as she will want kids by then... she also admitted to missing me although most of the love went.  Personally I think its bullshit people can't get back together if things change and problems are addressed.  She saw me address problems the second time round and thanked me for that. 

 

I'm at a good place though I've deleted her number and I'm not on fb. Just messenger. She now feels like a dream and hard to imagine she exists.  I'm already feeling my feelings fading so I think in time it will all be OK. I'm certainly not going to contact her in at least the next six months.  I will see about the birthday thing and do what feels right at the time. Even if we get back together one day I know I can't hope for that and need to act like it's over because it is. Dating again too.

 

I've forgiven myself for my mistakes too. Especially after the first breakup although I was selfish after a breakup maybe that's to be expected . I didn't kiss the girl she kissed me and I'm glad I was honest even though it hurt to admit. The fwb was torture for Me and I guess I needed to feel I had someone else and we had had our first date by the time my ex wanted to meet so she was interrupting me moving on.  She knew I was going on dates so it wasn't a complete secret. At the time it seemed a bit rich that she broke up with me then went mad and acted like I'd  cheated post breakup and as a result had lost a chance I didn't know I had. I wished she could have said stop dating but whilst fwb  she actually said she hoped I find someone lovely so I stupidly thought she was accepting that I was moving away from her. Very confusing especially as she says it was obvious we were getting back together for me it wasn't! I saw it as a goodbye not a beginning 

 

Part of me wonders if the threat that I'd go with this other girl is what made her come back. She wanted to end it but back then couldn't bear losing me either 

 

 

Edited November 19, 2021 by Aventra

[glows]

These thoughts will probably continue for awhile while you try to make sense of the fall out or things ending. It's ok but stay busy with your other commitments and things going on. She is no longer a part of your life and the long distance made it harder.

When I was making sense of things also, I only reminded myself that it was over and it didn't work. Even if it sounded repetitive and like a broken record, that constant reminder was enough to shift my focus back to other pressing matters or issues going on that needed more of my attention. You'll be able to do the same if you keep reminding yourself that this did not work, regardless of what either of you did or didn't do. You've already made some realizations about the relationship and why it didn't work too. It's ok to let go. Don't think too far ahead in terms of her. Think of your future in terms of you without her.

Edited November 19, 2021 by glows

[Aventra]

20 minutes ago, glows said:

These thoughts will probably continue for awhile while you try to make sense of the fall out or things ending. It's ok but stay busy with your other commitments and things going on. She is no longer a part of your life and the long distance made it harder.

When I was making sense of things also, I only reminded myself that it was over and it didn't work. Even if it sounded repetitive and like a broken record, that constant reminder was enough to shift my focus back to other pressing matters or issues going on that needed more of my attention. You'll be able to do the same if you keep reminding yourself that this did not work, regardless of what either of you did or didn't do. You've already made some realizations about the relationship and why it didn't work too. It's ok to let go. Don't think too far ahead in terms of her. Think of your future in terms of you without her.

Thanks for this 

And yes I remind myself of things I didn't like eg the smoking and the constant anxiety of it ending and stress I had about moving and not being sure i wanted a family 

[ExpatInItaly]

This is too damaged to be repaired, OP. 

It's time to move on. 

[Aventra]

15 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is too damaged to be repaired, OP. 

It's time to move on. 

True

It didn't help that even after all this she said she was thinking maybe in two years we could live together and she said I don't want you to give me time and space as I think you're waiting to start something or to chat. She said it will happen but it won't be because you waited for it... I asked her what she meant she said in time we will both be together. Or maybe we won't and it's OK . Confusing right. I know it means nothing. 

She also said she'd like to see me again one day

False hope is dangerous but hard to shake off . She admitted missing me but her feelings have changed. 

 

I guess the best thing is zero contact getting to a point where I couldn't care less who she is with or if our pictures are still on fb

 

Once I stop looking I realise she becomes like a ghost 

 

I was very unhealthy at the start constantly checking if she was online. I still have her number on scrap paper together with letters but they are well out of reach in my attic 

Edited November 19, 2021 by Aventra

[Aventra]

She also said from a selfish point of view I'd think why would anyone be happy with you when that's what I wanted...

And she kept my pj's she wore them on a video chat which surprised me

Better than after the first breakup when she teased me by wearing underwear and sent texts after she said no to getting back together about how beautiful we were 

 

I sent a picture in 3d of us after the second break up  she was annoyed at first but kept it and sent me a picture of it on her window sill

Breadcrumbs I guess 

Edited November 20, 2021 by Aventra

[glows]

20 hours ago, Aventra said:

She admitted missing me but her feelings have changed. 

This is very relevant. Take this, discard the rest. Trust that you absolutely do deserve to be loved likewise. This isn't the woman for you. I'd also rethink the way she's stringing you along and whether this constitutes care at all.

[Aventra]

50 minutes ago, glows said:

This is very relevant. Take this, discard the rest. Trust that you absolutely do deserve to be loved likewise. This isn't the woman for you. I'd also rethink the way she's stringing you along and whether this constitutes care at all.

Good advice I think I blamed myself for too much .

There was much confusion. After the first breakup she said she wanted to know what I've been thinking in terms of solutions then when I got my hopes up she said but I know there aren't any

[Alpacalia]

OP it sounds like she's reached the end of her tether. She still cares about you but she's being realistic. The best thing to do when someone is not sure of what they want is to back off and let them figure it out on their own.

Maybe your paths will cross sometime in the future but for now you have to let go.

[Aventra]

On 11/20/2021 at 6:53 PM, Alpaca said:

OP it sounds like she's reached the end of her tether. She still cares about you but she's being realistic. The best thing to do when someone is not sure of what they want is to back off and let them figure it out on their own.

Maybe your paths will cross sometime in the future but for now you have to let go.

Thanks for this 

 

Worth noting I met her for the last time in July after things went south post breakup with the email thing. I was going to sleep at hers even though we weren't together as I had a wedding where she lived but instead we just met to talk and I cried my eyes out as she said she'd never see me again

 

After that we texted and eventually she said maybe in the future we can see each other. I pushed a bit hard and stupidly said I'd prefer if she doesn't see someone else initially.  I was asking about meeting in August far too soon in hindsight. She said she doesn't think I was ready to meet and not talk about our future. 

 

When we had the last video chat u asked her about meeting as I was going through her town on a holiday . She didn't say no but said it would be difficult. We laughed and talked for two hours but by the end she was tearful. Two days later I texted her and she revealed she was so sad missing me and said you can miss someone but not have feelings. She said she doesn't want to meet as she doesn't want to hurt after and that she wants to meet like we used to but can't anymore and how sad it is. She said she prefers no contact and that was the last we had. I know in hindsight I contacted too much post breakup and had we finished well without things going south I probably wouldn't have. I actually accepted the breakup but since things went bad I guess it's made me want to put things right again. But I realise you can't.

[Alpacalia]

15 hours ago, Aventra said:

Thanks for this 

 

Worth noting I met her for the last time in July after things went south post breakup with the email thing. I was going to sleep at hers even though we weren't together as I had a wedding where she lived but instead we just met to talk and I cried my eyes out as she said she'd never see me again

 

After that we texted and eventually she said maybe in the future we can see each other. I pushed a bit hard and stupidly said I'd prefer if she doesn't see someone else initially.  I was asking about meeting in August far too soon in hindsight. She said she doesn't think I was ready to meet and not talk about our future. 

 

When we had the last video chat u asked her about meeting as I was going through her town on a holiday . She didn't say no but said it would be difficult. We laughed and talked for two hours but by the end she was tearful. Two days later I texted her and she revealed she was so sad missing me and said you can miss someone but not have feelings. She said she doesn't want to meet as she doesn't want to hurt after and that she wants to meet like we used to but can't anymore and how sad it is. She said she prefers no contact and that was the last we had. I know in hindsight I contacted too much post breakup and had we finished well without things going south I probably wouldn't have. I actually accepted the breakup but since things went bad I guess it's made me want to put things right again. But I realise you can't.

You're stuck because (a) you're lonely and (b) you're still in contact with her.

Set appropriate boundaries or you'll never be able to rise above it and heal from the relationship.

Consider this time as an opportunity to do things you haven't had time to do in the past, such as focusing on your passions or reconnecting with old friends.

Then, if and when you're both emotionally removed from the connection, you might be able to stay in touch.

But not now, when you're still holding a torch and a part of you refuses to let go.

[Aventra]

Anyone else around the three months no contact stage?

Having been dumped twice in two years by the same dumper it's been a roller coaster! 

 

I was going to message four weeks back but I'm so glad I didn't... realised there was no point and I wasn't saying anything new. Deleted her number wrote it down but now binned it as I had a temptation to add her again to check her WhatsApp pic or if she was online. Deleted my Instagram account as I only set one up to follow her. She only had one pic of herself but I didn't realise stories were a thing nor did I realise people can see you've viewed them! Seeing stories even though it was her and her friends didn't help me ! Still facebook friends but she doesn't post on there.  My last unhealthy obsession is checking the two pictures of us are still in her photos. I have a deactivated account but reactivate to check that sometimes!

 

Overall I'm in a much better place and going to therapy. After the first breakup I rushed to date again then things got messy when my ex came back as a fwb before we wound up back together then after the second breakup she snooped through my emails which stole the happy ending we had. I initially accepted the breakup in July but after things went  bad post breakup I've realised I'm lonely  and trying to return to a happy state and make things right again only I can't. We had a nice video chat in September but she admitted  she was sad  missing the beautiful moments we used to have and preferred no contact so its been that way since. 

I'm in a much better place than say October when I was tearful in a pub.  I've travelled with a friend joined a gym started therapy and been more social and I'm dating again...

Anyway keep strong I guess... 

 

One thing I don't miss is her constant changes of mind which she apologised for.  This time last year she threatened to end it for no real reason then early this year suggested her therapist might one day tell her to end it not because the relationship is bad but because its not what she wants. She also discussed having a threesome with a work colleague at a work party one day after threatening to end things . She wanted me to watch her have sex with another guy . Glad I don't have that drama. All seems a bit crazy actually...

 

I've forgiven myself for things too and with the time apart I realise she was as much to blame as I was. Constantly threatening to end things led to anxiety which made me fearful to say anything negative for instance. Not an excuse but it's helping me process things.

Edited December 11, 2021 by Aventra

[glows]

Keep it up. Reflection is great but know when to stop unhealthy thoughts or thoughts spiraling about your ex. This is where I found journaling helped quite a bit because I could see where my thoughts were going or how I might have hit a wall. And then move past that. You might find it helpful too. You're going through the reasons why the relationship didn't work and (hopefully) also taking note of where not to make the same mistakes again.

You mentioned you were dating again but anyone you date will also pick up on clues that you aren't over your ex or your past relationship/s if you're still thinking about all this or if the past bothers you.

Edited December 11, 2021 by glows

[Traveller]

Dumping 2 times in a row, threesome, watching her have sex with another man...you should be full of joy, you won the lottery not having her in your life.

12 hours ago, Aventra said:

I'm in a much better place than say October when I was tearful in a pub.  I've travelled with a friend joined a gym started therapy and been more social and I'm dating again...

 

Glad you're getting better, definitely that is the path to follow stick to it and you're life will be back to normal sooner than you imagine. I'd recommend you to do new things, take this chance to try things you always wanted to...sports you always wanted to play, languages you wanted to learn, places you wanted to visit. This will not only help you heal and feel better but also will make you a better person overall, with new features and experiences.

[Aventra]

1 hour ago, Traveller said:

Dumping 2 times in a row, threesome, watching her have sex with another man...you should be full of joy, you won the lottery not having her in your life.

Glad you're getting better, definitely that is the path to follow stick to it and you're life will be back to normal sooner than you imagine. I'd recommend you to do new things, take this chance to try things you always wanted to...sports you always wanted to play, languages you wanted to learn, places you wanted to visit. This will not only help you heal and feel better but also will make you a better person overall, with new features and experiences.

Exactly yeah I've travelled a lot 

I'd say the first three months are by far the hardest. I had a horrible nightmare a while back about her. 

Things are slowly improving. I no longer feel bad about kissing someone else after the first breakup. We weren't together so what did she expect? It was never obvious to me she wanted to get back together given she had given a strong message that it was over. Mind games.  That's why I felt vindicated when she text me once that I don't deserve her constant changes of mind and that she's sorry for putting relationship anxiety on me about breaking up.

 

The threesome thing is best left as a fantasy I think. We joined an app only a few months into our relationship (her idea) but I'm so glad we never met anymore. She got angry that I set the minimum age to 18 and thought I was into 18 year olds! I just went with a wide age choice without thinking much of it... just seemed to be another thing she could hold against me. I was walking on egg shells the whole time 

Edited December 11, 2021 by Aventra

[Traveller]

33 minutes ago, Aventra said:

Exactly yeah I've travelled a lot 

I'd say the first three months are by far the hardest. I had a horrible nightmare a while back about her. 

Things are slowly improving. I no longer feel bad about kissing someone else after the first breakup. We weren't together so what did she expect? It was never obvious to me she wanted to get back together given she had given a strong message that it was over. Mind games.  That's why I felt vindicated when she text me once that I don't deserve her constant changes of mind and that she's sorry for putting relationship anxiety on me about breaking up.

 

The threesome thing is best left as a fantasy I think. We joined an app only a few months into our relationship (her idea) but I'm so glad we never met anymore. She got angry that I set the minimum age to 18 and thought I was into 18 year olds! I just went with a wide age choice without thinking much of it... just seemed to be another thing she could hold against me. I was walking on egg shells the whole time 

As long as you mean your kisses you should never feel bad about them, it is actually an amazing thing to do with someone you care, like and love.

Threesome is still a bit awkward for my taste but hey whatever floats your boat! life should be about whatever makes you happy.

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Aventra said:

All seems a bit crazy actually...

Yes, it does. Best thing you can do is delete and block her and all her people from all your social media, messaging apps, contact lists and devices. 

Don't rearrange your social media. Just get rid of crazies like her.

[Aventra]

I think the first year after a breakup is the hardest as you keep thinking 'this time last year we were doing x'

[glows]

8 minutes ago, Aventra said:

I think the first year after a breakup is the hardest as you keep thinking 'this time last year we were doing x'

How true!

[Myabee]

On 12/11/2021 at 4:23 PM, glows said:

How true!

I month today for me. While I'm a better place I have struggled all day with the date. Keep trucking.😊