Permanently on friend zone?

[Lili81]

I've been chatting a lot with one of my male friends during the past 6 months. We share many mutual interests, have lots of interesting topics to talk about and have always had such a great time when we see each other. In the summer I already noticed that he was glancing at me like people do when they see something that makes them happy. And he's always liking my photos on social media, sending supporting and fun messages to me etc.

I believe he had a crush or fling of some sort during this fall but he never mentioned about it online or in person to me. 

However, it was only last weekend that I noticed I had developed some kind of feelings or interest for him. I got suddenly so shy that I couldn't talk to him at all when we met by chance in a group of mutual friends on Friday evening. I noticed that he kept glancing at me but we didn't start any kind of conversation and it felt so odd. 

Then on Saturday we began our usual social media chatter again. I told him that the reason why I didn't speak anything to him was because I was feeling shy at the moment. 

Then, on Monday, I do not know why I did it, but I wrote to him that I had noticed that I find him hot. Those words just came out from my fingers, hehe. Here's where I need your help! He is not in an easy situation and it is not easy for me to read what he had to say. His reply: "You are very beautiful and hot as well. I am emotionally in my own bubble at the moment. I have so many feelings that I still haven't processed. I haven't even been dating for three years. (he is divorced) I am stuck in odd moods and places, not only the illness of my Mother. So friendship would be good for now."

Does this sound to you like he could just be more interested in someone else and this is his polite way of saying that? Could a man write something like this and still get interested at some point? 

And yes it wasn't such a great idea to initiate that conversation at this point. I just wanted to be brave for once in my life time! He is really unique, such an intelligent and inspiring person and I really care for him and don't mind being "just friends" with him because as a friend he is a jewel, too. 

[Lili81]

The funny thing is what I wrote back to him: "I understand you so well". At the moment it felt like I did but I feel more confused now when thinking of the other signals (body language etc) from his direction, and how sweet he has been to me and also always makes the effort to cheer me up with jokes etc. and how he often blushes when around me... 

[glows]

That's a soft rejection. He thinks you're good looking but not good to date. He may not be feeling it due to his personal reasons or you are someone he would rather not date. Try not to read too much into it. Remain platonic and friendly with him in your mutual circle but he is not interested. 

You may be attracted to him because of the things he does for you or says to you but you are not looking at him as a whole and whether he is emotionally available or compatible with what you're looking for. When was he divorced? Does he still have young children at home? Where is his ex? Is she still in the picture? Is there a large age gap between the two of you?

Edited November 17, 2021 by glows

[Foxhall]

1 hour ago, Lili81 said:

I haven't even been dating for three years. (he is divorced)

Id guess he may be just content being single now and is not up for the potential hassle of another relationship,

'in a way its good what he said to you, he could have taken the option for a brief fling and so on, but respected you more than that,

you never know his feelings might change in a couple of years,

i dont think you should hang around for that though.

[Sun Seeker]

The classic 'its not you it's me'.

It most definitely is you, and he is not interested in you the same way you are into him.

Do not waste any time 'waiting' for him.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Lili81 said:

The funny thing is what I wrote back to him: "I understand you so well". At the moment it felt like I did but I feel more confused now when thinking of the other signals (body language etc) from his direction, and how sweet he has been to me and also always makes the effort to cheer me up with jokes etc. and how he often blushes when around me... 

Don't mere friends do this?

[basil67]

I agree that it was a very tactful "it's not you, it's me"

But I don't think it was a terrible idea to initiate that conversation.  Even though it didn't go the way you want, at least you now have the information you need in order to move on.

[Lili81]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

Don't mere friends do this?

Yup, indeed, that is what I thought when I had written this. 😛

He is the nicest of my male friends ever, maybe that is why I have confused the friendliness with chemistry or something. 

 

 

[Lili81]

5 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Id guess he may be just content being single now and is not up for the potential hassle of another relationship,

'in a way its good what he said to you, he could have taken the option for a brief fling and so on, but respected you more than that,

you never know his feelings might change in a couple of years,

i dont think you should hang around for that though.

Thank you for saying this! Part of me (who still believes we have had something between us) would like to wait, even if it was for years, but this surely wouldn't make my life happier or safer-feeling for the next few years... 

 

He indeed is not one to take advantage of others and is a very respectful gentleman towards women. I guess if the situation was different though (I mean, if we didn't have so many mutual friends who would start suspecting something) he may have wanted to start something casual, non-committal with me. I am sure if we had something going on between us, everyone would notice. 

Edited November 18, 2021 by Lili81

[Lili81]

6 hours ago, glows said:

You may be attracted to him because of the things he does for you or says to you but you are not looking at him as a whole and whether he is emotionally available or compatible with what you're looking for. When was he divorced? Does he still have young children at home? Where is his ex? Is she still in the picture? Is there a large age gap between the two of you?

You're right - I do have this tendency to fall for emotionally unavailable guys, due to my own trauma. He is the nicests of them guys and most respectful, but I guess I need to open my eyes to what he would have to offer. Even though he has been giving me so many good feelings and support and great conversation, it would be so different to actually date each other, to get so vulnerable... It's been three years since his divorce and things got really ugly between them (the wife was a manipulative person who started partying and cheating and left him with two small kids). Actually I am not sure about the terms between them at the moment. Maybe these are the feelings that he mentioned about, maybe he still loves her in his heart and thus can't move forward... There is no large age-gap. We are both quite broken individuals and have experienced a lot of abuse in the past. Maybe this made me feel that we could somehow "heal ourselves together" or something. 😛

Edited November 18, 2021 by Lili81

[Lili81]

Thank you all for your insight! I feel now so glad that I posted about this. It clears my head. 

 

I want to be able to handle the situation in a reasonable way. There's no room for more heartbreak in my heart. 😛

I guess I just need to process my own feelings and move on, hopefully being able to stay great friends with him. Perhaps we make better and more stable friends than lovers. He has been acting/looking jealous when he sees me chatting with other guys and acting weird/insecure after that (not hostile or anything like that, more like depressed). That is what made me think that he was falling for me as well. 

Edited November 18, 2021 by Lili81

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Lili81 said:

 I wrote to him that I had noticed that I find him hot. Those words just came out from my fingers, hehe. . His reply: friendship would be good for now."

Ok if you have a crush, you may want to scale back.

He's been forthcoming that he's not interested.

Instead, get on some quality dating apps with a good profile and pics and start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee ☕.

That way you can find someone mutually interested in dating/a relationship, without getting stuck in unrequited feelings.

[Alpacalia]

11 hours ago, Lili81 said:

And yes it wasn't such a great idea to initiate that conversation at this point. I just wanted to be brave for once in my life time! He is really unique, such an intelligent and inspiring person and I really care for him and don't mind being "just friends" with him because as a friend he is a jewel, too. 

So, OP, I like your fortitude. It's not an easy matter.

It's common for the other person to not share your feelings. That's quite typical. It's difficult, but not impossible, to get over it and return to being friends. Being able to talk about it and put it behind you will help.

Hopefully, the two of you can just resume your friendship down the road and everything will be OK again.

[Lili81]

6 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

So, OP, I like your fortitude. It's not an easy matter.

It's common for the other person to not share your feelings. That's quite typical. It's difficult, but not impossible, to get over it and return to being friends. Being able to talk about it and put it behind you will help.

Hopefully, the two of you can just resume your friendship down the road and everything will be OK again.

Thank you! 

[stillafool]

14 hours ago, Lili81 said:

Here's where I need your help! He is not in an easy situation and it is not easy for me to read what he had to say. His reply: "You are very beautiful and hot as well. I am emotionally in my own bubble at the moment. I have so many feelings that I still haven't processed. I haven't even been dating for three years. (he is divorced) I am stuck in odd moods and places, not only the illness of my Mother. So friendship would be good for now."

Does this sound to you like he could just be more interested in someone else and this is his polite way of saying that? Could a man write something like this and still get interested at some point? 

Yes I do think he is involved with another woman or not over his wife yet.  For some reason it seems men who have cheating wives have a hard time getting over them and that may be why he hasn't dated in 3 years.  He's offered friendship but I don't think that would be good for you.  If you still have feelings for him you cannot be friends.  Sooner or later he will meet another woman or the one he's seeing and bring her around the group.  Will you be able to handle that?

[Lili81]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Sooner or later he will meet another woman or the one he's seeing and bring her around the group.  Will you be able to handle that?

Not sure yet. At least I would do my best to remind myself that he is a free man with free will. 

Good point. It seems he always sleeps alone so I don't think there's anybody in his life rn but my guy is telling me he has *feelings* for someone else. And as I know, feelings can't be forced to come or go. Maybe he is too overwhelmed at the moment to feel enough for me. 

[stillafool]

50 minutes ago, Lili81 said:

Not sure yet. At least I would do my best to remind myself that he is a free man with free will. 

Good point. It seems he always sleeps alone so I don't think there's anybody in his life rn but my guy is telling me he has *feelings* for someone else. And as I know, feelings can't be forced to come or go. Maybe he is too overwhelmed at the moment to feel enough for me. 

Well if he's a younger man I doubt he's been without sex for 3 years.  He's just keeps his private life - private.

[Lili81]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well if he's a younger man I doubt he's been without sex for 3 years.  He's just keeps his private life - private.

I agree and also think that there has been someone at some point, just not anything public. However at the moment he always sleeps alone. 

 

My ex was totally alone in celibacy for 5 years before we met. For introverts or shy people it is not that uncommon to stay totally alone without human touch for years, especially if previous heartbreak. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 11/18/2021 at 5:29 PM, Lili81 said:

I agree and also think that there has been someone at some point, just not anything public. However at the moment he always sleeps alone. 

Out of curisoty, how do you know this?

[ASG]

Definitely believe in what he is telling you. 

I've just been in that situation, and we did end up having a casual physical relationship, that has now ended, due to fears of it complicating our actual friendship, if feelings were to develop on my part. 

The words my "crush" used were more or less the same as yours did. Being in his own head/bubble, unavailable and unable to date, bla bla bla. I, of course, filled in the "with you" part of the "I'm not looking for a relationship" talk. 

I'm pretty confident we'll remain friends. I did not develop any strong feelings for him and don't have to mourn anything (just the potencial lack of sex, but I'm sure I can find that elsewhere, if I look!). 

Clear your head, and focus on your friendship. Put away any thoughts of waiting for him. 

 

[glows]

On 11/17/2021 at 9:45 PM, Lili81 said:

We are both quite broken individuals and have experienced a lot of abuse in the past. Maybe this made me feel that we could somehow "heal ourselves together" or something. 😛

It might be better to do that healing independently or with a therapist, someone trained to help guide your thoughts/actions after abusive relationships or deal with fears and issues you may have. 

[Roxie86]

His words sound genuine.

As hard as it is, I would keep your options open right now. There may come a time where he is ready, and since he already knows you have an interest in him, he will not need to hesitate. But the ball is completely in his court right now, and you need to focus on your own happiness.

I've been in a similar situation, and instead of respecting these wishes I foolishly tried to help him fix his problems so that he would hurry up and be with me. Big mistake lol 

[stillafool]

On 11/17/2021 at 5:09 PM, Lili81 said:

Does this sound to you like he could just be more interested in someone else and this is his polite way of saying that? Could a man write something like this and still get interested at some point? 

Does it really matter if he's interested in someone else if he's not interested in dating you?  It's rare for men to reject women so no I wouldn't expect him to be interested in the future but; you never know.  Maybe he's still processing his divorce.  

[salparadise]

Men usually know within minutes whether they find a woman sexually attractive, or just like them more generally as a person. In my experience that doesn't change much with time, although I'm not saying the odds are zero.

This requirement for mutuality has driven me nuts over the past five years. As I get older it becomes harder and harder to find someone that I am physically attracted to and also mesh personality wise. I've met a few but they only liked me in a friendly way, and I've had a few who were primed for me but I didn't feel the same toward them. All you can do is be gracious and roll with it, and hope that fate bring you someone eventually who is as crazy about you as you are about them.

Edited December 22, 2021 by salparadise

[spiderowl]

What he put in his reply to you was what I call ‘babble’. None of it makes sense. It is just chaff to fend off any encroachment on his life or emotional life. The only thing I think you can conclude from this is that, whatever signals he is sending out to you consciously or unconsciously, he will not be there for you for a romantic relationship.

He is not emotionally available or interested but he may unconsciously be sending out signals of sexual interest. Men appear to be able to compartmentalise better than women. Unless you want to have sex with a guy who is always going to cut you off emotionally, do not go there.

Basically, if you hope for anything meaningful with this guy, you will get hurt.