I'm concerned about my girlfriend's weight.

[ironpony]

I love her and the relationship is good, but she is really skinny, to the point of unhealthy I think, since you can see too much of her skeleton in my opinion.  She doesn't eat as much I have noticed as well, when we are together, and she's full soon, or so she says.

She showed me some videos of her from a few years ago, and she had more weight then, and looks better and more healthy as a result.  Not too overweight, but just right or average I would say, more or less, from what I could tell.

I told her that she looked good back then and I said it was because she wasn't as thin back then, and tried to say she looked healthy back then, and I tried to be good about this, but she got really self conscious about it, saying she felt she had too much weight on back then and it took her years to loose it, and she didn't take it as well.  But I am concerned for her now, and feel it's probably best if she were to just eat more in a healthy way and not be so undernerished or so it seems.  Her doctor even told her she was undernurished she said, when she went for a physical before.

So I am just concerned but could I bring it up differently, that may have a more positive result maybe, so she sees that it's okay to eat more?

[FMW]

Don't try talking to her about it again.  If she has an eating disorder that will only make it worse.  You recognize that it made her self-conscious when you brought it up.

Maybe others will have good advice on what you CAN do, I just know that my immediate thought was that you should not try talking to her about it again.  Weight is a very sensitive issue for women, especially young women.  Eating disorders, if she has one, are serious issues.  I only mention that because you mentioned her being "undernourished", not just at the low end of the normal weight range.  

 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, FMW said:

Don't try talking to her about it again. 

Agree. Just go out to eat more to good places with good food.  Split dessert. Bake her cookies or bring her chocolates or things she likes.. Do not mention her looks/weight. It's hurtful.

[Foxhall]

Yes you dont want her anorexic thin either or coming close to that,

perhaps start sharing some recipes from cookery books, come up with cooking experiments as a nice new novelty between the two of you,

gently encourage her that it is ok to eat and make it fun sampling new dishes,

you celebrate thanksgiving is it in your part of the world, could be an ideal opportunity to get her in love with food again.

[ironpony]

Oh actually Thanksgiving has past in Canada, but maybe Christmas!

Well we actually do cook meals together and go out and eat sometimes, but she will not eat as much and save the rest of the next day for example.

[ironpony]

But also, I am more concerned on the days when I do not see her and she doesn't eat with me.  I will talk to her on the phone later at night, and ask her if she ate but she will say not much, or she forgot, or didn't have time, or things like that.  It's those days that are more concerning where I do not have as much encouragment of eating food with her.

[Foxhall]

8 minutes ago, ironpony said:

but she will not eat as much and save the rest of the next day for example.

thats ok, as long as she eats something anyways each day, a little at a time,

yes not good to be skipping meals or going long days fasting.

[ironpony]

I still feel she is not eating enough though even if it's a little bit.  I mean she is still undernurished like the doctor said.  I guess I also have trouble understanding why she is self conscious about it.  If you tell an overweight person they should loose weight, it can hurt them, because loosing weight is hard. But putting on weight is easy, so I thought she shouldn't have a problem doing that since it's easy and healthy for her in this case.  But I don't want to seem insensitive to her, just want to eat more to be more healthy of course.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, ironpony said:

.  I will talk to her on the phone later at night, and ask her if she ate but she will say not much, or she forgot, or didn't have time, or things like that.  

Stop nagging her. 

[FMW]

6 hours ago, ironpony said:

But putting on weight is easy

Not for everyone.  

Have her female family or friends shown concern?  Does she show symptoms of health issues?

You are not the person that can help her with this, and whether or not she actually needs help is not your judgment to make. 

Don't assume you know what is best for her.  

[vla1120]

I have two anorexic daughters (as a result of years of serious ballet training). I can tell you what NOT to say to her:

1. Do not tell her when she looks "healthy". In her mind, healthy=fat.

2. Do not ask her what she ate today, when was the last time she ate, etc.

3. Do not tell her to eat more. When you are with her, set a good example by eating healthy yourself, but never try to push more food on her. 

4. Do not be fooled by watching her eat a full plate of food and thinking "She's finally eating." My girls were good at hiding their purging habits. 

5. Most importantly, do some Google searches on how to help someone with an eating disorder and try to find resources in your area that will not only help you understand the issue, but maybe help you learn how to help her, if she either already has an eating disorder, or if she's on the brink. 

[ShyViolet]

Be very, very careful in what you say, because you can do much more harm than good in nagging her about this or making comments.  Do not say that she looked "better" when she was heavier before, don't nag her about whether she ate today.  I am pretty skinny myself and I tend to sometimes become a bit too thin.  I have never had an eating disorder, it's just the way I naturally am.  My mom has had this tendency to make comments to me about it, "why are you so skinny?  I don't like this.  You need to eat more."  And it makes me REALLY angry when she does that.  It's not helpful one bit.  

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Be very, very careful in what you say, because you can do much more harm than good in nagging her about this or making comments.  

Agree. You really need to stop criticizing everything about her from her sexuality, birth control, weight, looks,  etc.  You may think your just micromanaging or "concerned" but it comes off as controlling to continuously badger someone about their body. Step way back. Compliment her once in a while instead of wearing her down about every decision she makes about herself and her life.

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, ironpony said:

But putting on weight is easy,

No it's actually harder for a thin person to gain weight than for an overweight person to lose it.  You can't force feed yourself when you have no appetite, you will throw up.  Have you taken any photos of her lately.  That somehow works.  Skinny people don't feel skinny but when they actually see what they look like it shocks them.

[ironpony]

But if she is not eating enough wouldn't she have more of an appetite that is telling her to eat more and that she should listen to that?

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

Out of curiosity is she anemic and did her doctor run lab tests? He said she is malnourished based on what? Just how skinny she is?

I agree with the other posters not to nag or comment on her eating habits.

I became very anemic a few years ago (common in women) and learned how bad it is for your body, beyond making you feel tired. I never realized the impact it had in me but at the time I got winded a lot doing cardio. 

I just hope she had lab tests done and can make sure to take any corrective action if some levels are off. I have to take iron supplements now. My levels fell even after they got back up, and I focus on eating food rich in iron like adding chia seeds to stuff (I don’t eat meat and won’t!).

[stillafool]

57 minutes ago, ironpony said:

But if she is not eating enough wouldn't she have more of an appetite that is telling her to eat more and that she should listen to that?

That's the point.  She has a very faint appetite or none at all sometimes.  Some people can go all day without eating and not even feel it.

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. You really need to stop criticizing everything about her from her sexuality, birth control, weight, looks,  etc.  You may think your just micromanaging or "concerned" but it comes off as controlling to continuously badger someone about their body. Step way back. Compliment her once in a while instead of wearing her down about every decision she makes about herself and her life.

This ^   

I know you mean well, but it is not appropriate for you to get so involved in trying to guide or fix her.    She's your girlfriend, not your child. 

 

[ironpony]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

This ^   

I know you mean well, but it is not appropriate for you to get so involved in trying to guide or fix her.    She's your girlfriend, not your child. 

 

Yeah it's just I care about her, so it's hard for me not to be concerned.  I know what you mean, but I mean I just feel there is a problem there.  Just because someone has a health problem, doesn't mean that others should ignore it, just to be respectful.  People should want to adress it, but that's just me.

[ironpony]

7 hours ago, ClearEyes-FullHeart said:

Out of curiosity is she anemic and did her doctor run lab tests? He said she is malnourished based on what? Just how skinny she is?

I agree with the other posters not to nag or comment on her eating habits.

I became very anemic a few years ago (common in women) and learned how bad it is for your body, beyond making you feel tired. I never realized the impact it had in me but at the time I got winded a lot doing cardio. 

I just hope she had lab tests done and can make sure to take any corrective action if some levels are off. I have to take iron supplements now. My levels fell even after they got back up, and I focus on eating food rich in iron like adding chia seeds to stuff (I don’t eat meat and won’t!).

Anemia was not mentioned, just the doctor told her she was undernurished.  She said that he could tell from her blood test.

[basil67]

 

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

Yeah it's just I care about her, so it's hard for me not to be concerned.  I know what you mean, but I mean I just feel there is a problem there.  Just because someone has a health problem, doesn't mean that others should ignore it, just to be respectful.  People should want to adress it, but that's just me.

I understand that you care, but there comes a point where a partner can raise too many 'issues'.  You've already given her too much direction on contraception/sex/possible side effects from contraception.  It's too much.

When you're in a relationship, learn to hold your advice and worry for the things which are really important.   Had you not said all the previous things, I'd have a different opinion, but this will be perceived as just too much worrying and criticism.  You've over done it.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, ironpony said:

But if she is not eating enough 

You don't know that . You are basing this on a photo of her you liked better. It's not your business to micromanage her eating so her body type suits your tastes.. 

She's been to doctors plenty of times for her contraception, if there were a problem, they would work it up.

You also beat her up about that because you thought she was the problem with your sexuality.

Leave this poor young girl alone. Stop picking on her.

 

Edited November 20, 2021 by Wiseman2

[elaine567]

What is her weight?
How tall is she?


 

[glows]

Comments about weight and looks are sensitive issues. If she doesn't like what you have to say after you've already said it, she's entitled. You are the one who's bothered with her reaction to you. She didn't agree with you and I think this ticked you off. Let it go. 

If you think you'd prefer a girlfriend who looks different or is someone else, don't date her. What misery is it to be with someone you cannot accept.

[elaine567]

Her already told her he can't get aroused by her and has to think of other women when having sex.
He can only get aroused if she gets upset and they have angry sex...
Now she is too thin and looked better 5 years ago.
Demolishing a person's self esteem is not fair, it is nasty actually.