I'm concerned about my girlfriend's weight.

[basil67]

38 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

What is her weight?
How tall is she?


 

Even weight vs height is only a guideline.  My 22yo has a a tiny frame and BMI of 16 and yet is perfectly healthy.  Good skin colour, generous bust, no visible ribs.  She’s just got an epic metabolism, and has had since she started walking.  

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Even weight vs height is only a guideline.  My 22yo has a a tiny frame and BMI of 16 and yet is perfectly healthy.  Good skin colour, generous bust, no visible ribs.  She’s just got an epic metabolism, and has had since she started walking.  

I realise that BMI is not always a helpful measure but it is a guide which is useful for most.
I just wanted to put some numbers to the assertion she is "too thin"

[ironpony]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Her already told her he can't get aroused by her and has to think of other women when having sex.
He can only get aroused if she gets upset and they have angry sex...
Now she is too thin and looked better 5 years ago.
Demolishing a person's self esteem is not fair, it is nasty actually.

Sorry I don't need a demolt herself esteem. I just am worried about her not eating enough if that's an unhealthy issue. However she did say that she knows she needs to eat more before I even had this conversation with her about her old picture. So she did say it and she actually said she does like it when I encourage her to eat more. It was only the photo comment that made her upset.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, ironpony said:

It was only the photo comment that made her upset.

Exactly. You're old enough to know criticizing her appearance is hurtful. She's not asking, so don't comment.

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

8 hours ago, ironpony said:

Anemia was not mentioned, just the doctor told her she was undernurished.  She said that he could tell from her blood test.

Got it. It’s great her doctor ran the labs and I am sure your gf will follow medical advice on how to improve her nutrition. 

[ironpony]

22 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Be very, very careful in what you say, because you can do much more harm than good in nagging her about this or making comments.  Do not say that she looked "better" when she was heavier before, don't nag her about whether she ate today.  I am pretty skinny myself and I tend to sometimes become a bit too thin.  I have never had an eating disorder, it's just the way I naturally am.  My mom has had this tendency to make comments to me about it, "why are you so skinny?  I don't like this.  You need to eat more."  And it makes me REALLY angry when she does that.  It's not helpful one bit.  

Oh ok thanks.  But she actually told me to ask her if she's eaten today because she said that helps remind her too.  So is it good for me to ask that when she said she wants me to ask that and it's her suggestion?

[Lotsgoingon]

I don't think you can be or want to try to be her eating manager. That's not your job. 

But sounds to me like a serious eater disorder. I've known two people in the past few years who suffered anorexia.  There's a good chance she is NOT eating much when she's away from you.

I remember eating lunch with a young person I work with ... and she barely touched her food. It was like she was faking like she was eating.

Google for partners of people with eating disorders and see what you come up with.  I can't diagnose here, but if you're saying she's skeletal thin, that's a pretty strong piece of evidence. Has she talked about anxiety or OCD? 

[ironpony]

13 hours ago, elaine567 said:

What is her weight?
How tall is she?


 

She's 6 feet, but not sure how much she weighs exactly.

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, ironpony said:

Oh ok thanks.  But she actually told me to ask her if she's eaten today because she said that helps remind her too.  So is it good for me to ask that when she said she wants me to ask that and it's her suggestion?

If she actually told you that she wants you to remind her to eat, then go ahead and do it.

[ironpony]

Oh okay. And I am actually legitimately concerned about her not getting enough neutrition.  I am not wanting to 'skinny-shame' her, if I have given off that impression.

[glows]

15 hours ago, ironpony said:

Oh ok thanks.  But she actually told me to ask her if she's eaten today because she said that helps remind her too.  So is it good for me to ask that when she said she wants me to ask that and it's her suggestion?

Then ask if she's eaten out of kindness or care as she has asked, the focus is nutrition or not skipping meals if that's her concern. There's no need to go overboard and become too concerned about her weight or size. If she's concerned or has questions about her health point her in the direction of her doctor. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, ironpony said:

 I am not wanting to 'skinny-shame' her, if I have given off that impression.

It's not your issue. She is a 21 year old woman who goes to doctors, has a job and can eat whatever and whenever she wants and can have whatever body and looks she wants.

 Your job is to tell her you care about her, that's it. Not be her dietitian, therapist, doctor or trainer. 

If you don't like her appearance, stop dating her. It's that simple.

Edited November 21, 2021 by Wiseman2

[ironpony]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's not your issue. She is a 21 year old woman who goes to doctors, has a job and can eat whatever and whenever she wants and can have whatever body and looks she wants.

 Your job is to tell her you care about her, that's it. Not be her dietitian, therapist, doctor or trainer. 

If you don't like her appearance, stop dating her. It's that simple.

But I think it's okay that if someone needs help it's okay that they do though. If someone were to drink too much for example or did drugs for example, it would be okay to say that person has a problem rather than just say meh, they're 21 let them do what they want... Unless I'm thinking about it the wrong way?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, ironpony said:

But I think it's okay.....

That's the problem. You're not respecting her. You're being controlling.

[ShyViolet]

10 hours ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay. And I am actually legitimately concerned about her not getting enough neutrition.  I am not wanting to 'skinny-shame' her, if I have given off that impression.

You are not her doctor, you're not her therapist, you're not her Dad, you're not her nutritionist.  There's really nothing you can do about this.  If she truly does have an eating disorder, then you making comments or trying to remind her to eat is really not going to make a difference anyway.  You need to stop thinking that you can fix this girl's problems or figure out issues for her.  

[ironpony]

17 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You are not her doctor, you're not her therapist, you're not her Dad, you're not her nutritionist.  There's really nothing you can do about this.  If she truly does have an eating disorder, then you making comments or trying to remind her to eat is really not going to make a difference anyway.  You need to stop thinking that you can fix this girl's problems or figure out issues for her.  

Ok then.  Its just that if SOs have a concern with something I am doing they will tell me.  D6o I thought it was normal unless it's not?

[Alpacalia]

Yes but your preoccupation with every thing that she does is excessive.

At some point, it's only going to push her away.

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Its just that if SOs have a concern with something I am doing they will tell me.

Which GFs have done this and in reference to what? How you look? Your body? Your weight? Your eating habits? Or something that was hurting them?

[stillafool]

On 11/20/2021 at 4:28 AM, elaine567 said:

Her already told her he can't get aroused by her and has to think of other women when having sex.
He can only get aroused if she gets upset and they have angry sex...
Now she is too thin and looked better 5 years ago.
Demolishing a person's self esteem is not fair, it is nasty actually.

OP, if the above bolded is true you could be the reason she's not eating and losing weight.  The relationship is putting enormous stress on her.  

[basil67]

6 hours ago, ironpony said:

But I think it's okay that if someone needs help it's okay that they do though. If someone were to drink too much for example or did drugs for example, it would be okay to say that person has a problem rather than just say meh, they're 21 let them do what they want... Unless I'm thinking about it the wrong way?

Yes, you are thinking about it the wrong way.  If you'd spent years together and your partner's habits started to change and become unhealthy, then you have a right to say something.

But if it's someone you haven't been with long, then it's about figuring out if you can accept them for who they are without complaint, wanting them to change or feeling the need to help.  If you do feel any of the latter things, then they are simply a poor match for you.   And it is DISRESPECTFUL to ask someone to change.

As far as your previous SOs telling you about things which worry them, the same rule applies.

 

Edited November 21, 2021 by basil67

[ironpony]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Which GFs have done this and in reference to what? How you look? Your body? Your weight? Your eating habits? Or something that was hurting them?

Oh well for example my gf was concerned about my health when it comes to my insomnia issues and has brought it up quite a bit recently.

Edited November 21, 2021 by ironpony

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Oh well for example my gf was concerned about my health when it comes to my insomnia issues and has brought it up quite a bit recently.

But your insomnia is something which bothers you and you've actively been looking for answers - it's already an open topic.   This is different to raising discussions about someone's body weight when they are happy with their weight.

 

[ironpony]

Oh okay, I see your point.  I can just not let it worry me then, if that's best.

[spiderowl]

I can see why you are concerned, ironpony, if she genuinely is very thin.  If her doctor told her she is undernourished, then it was something they noticed.  In my experience, doctors only notice such things when blood test results go out of the 'normal' range.  However, how come she told you this?  Did she volunteer the information or was it brought up in a discussion you initiated about her weight or general health?  I wondered because if she is volunteering the information, she wants you to know about the undernourishment comment.

I agree with others that you should not comment on her weight.  If she has an eating disorder, it is likely she is hiding it to a certain extent.  People do not normally need reminding to eat!

What is her diet like?  Does she eat the usual range of things or has she got a restricted diet of some kind?

The important thing you can do is to tell her how attractive you find her and that you care about her.  Do not qualify it with 'when you were fitter/healthier' or anything, just ensure she realises that you care about her.

Ultimately, if she does have an eating disorder, there is very little you can do.  You might need to alert her family or doctor, if she is becoming dangerously ill.  She has to want to seek help for herself.  Anything you do to 'manage' her eating will only put pressure on her and become a problem between you. Just do what you are doing and encourage her to eat if she has asked you to do that; otherwise just be supportive.

As another poster said, you might want to do some private research on the best way to help someone with an eating disorder.  If she is fit and easily able to do things and is not fragile, then there is no need to do anything but be her boyfriend.

Edited November 22, 2021 by spiderowl

[ironpony]

Oh okay, thanks I can do that.  She eats the usual range, no diet, just not as much of it normally, compared to others.  She volunteered the information to me, I didn't ask her.  I mean I may have asked her how her blood test went since she told me she was going for a blood test and getting the results back.  But I never asked her anything that could have been in the test.  Does it count as her volunteering the information if I asked her how her test went, but I only asked because she was telling me she was going to get the results earlier that day?

Edited November 22, 2021 by ironpony