Might sound like a small thing but I'm really upset

[Paigey93]

I'll keep this as brief as I possibly can. 

For a bit of context: my fiance is in the military, I'm a full-time uni student (all thanks to his financial freedom), we've been together for seven years, live together, have two pets etc. Aside from having bought a house, you could say we're settled. 

The problem: in short, my fiance used to make an effort with me and now it feels like he doesn't. For example, on a deployment he used to speak to me almost everyday, or whenever he could considering the circumstances (this was never an expectation on my behalf; he just did it and it always made the deployment easier/homecoming more exciting). At home, he used to want to get out and do stuff together, go on dates, hang out with our friends etc. He would even do stuff I knew he wasn't super thrilled for just to spend time with me.

Now, my fiance literally pencils me into his schedule for everything. For example, he has a weekly reminder set for every Monday night called "plan activities with *insert my name*". So every Monday night we plan our activities for the week. Another example is that he prioritises drinking and bar hopping with his shipmates on a deployment. He could be ashore right now and he wouldn't call me/text me back for days, maybe weeks, and he wonders why I'm upset. He has accused me of being unreasonable, disrespectful, and exhausting, to which I have no words.

For the last three years or so, we've been arguing and fighting about this same issue because we clearly haven't solved the issue in a sustainable way (his solution is the scheduling thing). The schedule idea is great for actual dates and planned activities, but the extent to which he is taking it makes me feel like he sees me as a task that he's ticking off his to-do list. 

Obviously things have changed because he never used to be like this. He recently said something along the lines of "we're engaged now, why are we still on this petty s***"... and I agree but I don't think I can be with someone who treats me like a task. I have no idea where to start with him...? Any perspective would be appreciated.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Paigey93 said:

He could be ashore right now and he wouldn't call me/text me back for days, maybe weeks, and he wonders why I'm upset. He has accused me of being unreasonable, disrespectful, and exhausting, to which I have no words.

This part is understandably upsetting. The 'pencil you in' task is ok by comparison.

It sounds like he is used to "getting things done" and 'make fiancée happy' is one of those things he wants to accomplish by setting aside a time for that..

The problem seems to be blowing you off when he's deployed and could contact you briefly. 

Don't nag, but tell him you miss him and just want to exchange ILYs when he's away. Don't discuss relationship negotiations while he's away.

 It can become a cycle. You're upset, he avoids you, you get more upset, he avoids you more and so on. That is the cycle to focus on changing.

 

[Els]

I don't see the issue with him pencilling you in. Could be that he's just naturally forgetful and wants to take concrete steps to make activities with you a priority. Personally I set reminders for stuff that I'm doing with H too - to me that's called making our relationship a priority.

On the other hand, him not calling you at all for weeks (when he can) is the real big red flag in my opinion. What's up with that? Do you usually argue when he calls?

[glows]

The most important part about this is that you don't feel as important in the relationship as you used to. You did mention a home or house. Is that something that you've wished for? And after seven years, why are you still his fiancee and not his wife? How long have you been engaged? 

He likes the double life - having a stay in girlfriend or fiancee living with him back home when he is home but he also lives a party lifestyle while out on deployment on his free time. Is his something that bothers you or is it safe enough to say that it's 'out of sight/out of mind'? 

Whatever you choose in terms of marriage, that's a person you embrace, flaws and all, so I would think carefully about that engagement if you can't accept who he is or the way he treats you. It seems more to me that he's doing things with you out of obligation and you feel that. You both may not be spending enough time in person together and the relationship has grown cold. 

If you are ok with who he is as a person, then remember the things he does do for you. I read something somewhere that was really helpful to me at the time. It was a tip or advice from a married couple. You expect the best out of each other, not the worst. Always assume that your partner is doing the best that he or she can, instead of expecting that he or she isn't. That might help to put aside those misgivings and trust that you have something to build a future on. I'd think critically about your future though and who he is as a person first. 

[stillafool]

He's enjoying the bachelor life.  Are you sure he wants to get married?