So I think I might have been rejected?

[Girl Fade Away]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'd be buying a round of drinks, bring the wine or paying for a nice meal in return. This was done partly because I wanted to, but also partly as a 'test'.   

I would like to add that I have done what is quoted as well.  It's not black and white --  the man always pays, the woman never pays or reciprocates.  There should be a balance.  A give and take.  Sometimes in different ways or in the same way.  

I never did it as a "test." I did because it gave me pleasure to give or give back in return.   As it gave my dates and boyfriends pleasure to treat me.  

@basil67I note you posted "in return." This suggests your dates paid and in return you would buy drinks sometimes, bring wine or buy a nice meal.  Reciprocate.   

The OP's date paid her way on FIRST date.  When she did not have money on the second date, he did NOT offer to treat but accepted her 'soft hangout."  And said he would ask her out again next week when they both got paid.  

 

Edited November 23, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Sgthaytham said:

, this friend is flatmates with the girl I’m *dating*.

It's not about "who pays". That's meaningless in the grand scheme of things.

What's important is: does she want to see you regularly? Focus on that.

Especially since you are both on a budget. And live paycheck to paycheck. As she mentioned.

It's also not about PUA theories of 'investment'. That's also meaningless if you're not hitting it off and enthusiastically seeing each other.

Focus on her interest level not on who pays.

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

 

@AlpacaI am very glad you added that.  That is quite telling.  I have had that happen too, in fact he became insulted. I have bought after dinner drinks and he very much appreciated it.  

I hope it all works out OP, good luck. 

 

I certainly hope he isn't/wasn't "insulted."

I suppose some men will be, and some won't be.

It doesn't seem like OP was offended, more so questioned if it was a soft rejection, which it doesn't sound like it was.

[Girl Fade Away]

5 hours ago, Alpaca said:

I certainly hope he isn't/wasn't "insulted."

I suppose some men will be, and some won't be.

It doesn't seem like OP was offended, more so questioned if it was a soft rejection, which it doesn't sound like it was.

Yeah maybe insulted was the wrong word.  Anyway, I sure hope the OP updates, I wouid love to see how this plays out!  

[Sgthaytham]

On 11/21/2021 at 1:12 PM, Calmandfocused said:

Op, I’m still not grasping why you couldn’t just say to her “don’t worry about it” and offer to take her out anyway? If you really want to see someone that’s what you do.
 

 If she’s that focused on splitting bills she could have paid the next time… 

Yes her attitude is lovely about not expecting the man to pay for everything but I’m not sure your attitude is as commendable. 

You’re lucky that she’s agreeing to come to your house for the second date. Most women wouldn’t do that. 
 

 

Lucky?

Maybe that’s what she was hoping all along, that I’d invite her over to chill?

 

Also I find it so funny that it’s mostly women saying I should offer to pay for everything and making it a big deal that she’s willing to go Dutch on every date. 

[stillafool]

Nothing says to a woman that we are "just friends" and nothing more, especially sex; when she goes dutch before a relationship is established.  But hey OP go dutch again she won't mind.

[Girl Fade Away]

2 hours ago, Sgthaytham said:

Also I find it so funny that it’s mostly women saying I should offer to pay for everything and making it a big deal

Firstly, no one said you should pay for everything.  What was said was since you invited her for dinner for the second date and she responded she had no money, it wouid have been kind and gracious if you had offered to treat.  That is what an interested person does when they invite someone out on a date. Especially when that person has no money at that time. 

Secondly, it was mostly women who responded to this thread in general but even so at least FOUR men responded they thought it would be kind and gracious if you offered to treat.

But somehow you have got it in your head that treating a woman when YOU invite her out caters to her "female entitlement."

I think she IS attracted to you, obviously, but there are women who enjoy hook ups, nothing more, so if you want more than 'soft hangouts' and hook ups, try romancing her a little but.  Plan and pay for a few dates.  I know of NO woman who is truly into a man and interested in actually dating him (and not just hooking up) who would NOT love that. 

You had the right idea when you asked her out to dinner for the second date, I bet your intention was to pay too, clearly you have the money or you would not have invited her.   Not sure what happened to change your mindset about that.  

Are you afraid she was or will reject you like your thread title asks and your attitude now is a way to protect yourself emotionally from that?  

Edited November 23, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Alpacalia]

One thing to consider OP (and this may or may not be relevant) is what you described below.

It may just be a courtesy, and her way of showing that you don’t have to pay for her. 

I know the "who pays for what" topic was raised in this discussion, but I believe you were actually interested in knowing if her volunteering to pay suggested she thought more of you platonically vs. romantically. Isn't that the case?

In any event, you have a nice home dinner date coming up, so try to look forward to that (your treat).

On 11/21/2021 at 12:42 AM, Sgthaytham said:

I’m just going to set the date for the following week because that’s when we get paid. No big deal

[princessaurora]

I understand a lot of women go dutch these days,  but the point I would take away from all this is that if you like a woman, you should show her you value her. If I were in her shoes,  I would have been bummed that you didn't offer to pay simply because you're putting off seeing me again over it. I would feel like I'm not that valuable to you, and a woman wants a man who shows her she's worth it. So it's not really about the money per se, but the message it sends to the woman when you delay a date for an additional week because she doesn't have the money to pay her half. 

That's my take on it. Good luck on your home date. Hope it goes really well🙂

[Gaeta]

13 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

I understand a lot of women go dutch these days

I don't really have that impression. 

If we look at the stories here, women of all ages, all locations and many cultures, women still appreciate a man takes out his wallet on a 1st and/or 2nd date. It's the gesture that makes an outing a *date*. Could be a woman taking her wallet out too, but someone picking up the entire tab gives a clear sign this is a date. 

 

[CollinW]

On 11/21/2021 at 7:11 AM, princessaurora said:

You need to provide the wine and pay for the dinner ingredients, not her. Show her chivalry is not dead. 

 

No he doesn't need to do all that. That's not chivalrous that's just desperate and overbearing. They 

@Sgthaytham

There is nothing wrong with having your own standards and expectations. Bending over backwards for "chivalry" isn't going to make or break things. And if it does, she's likely not worth it in the first place. 

Edited November 25, 2021 by CollinW

[princessaurora]

2 hours ago, CollinW said:

No he doesn't need to do all that. That's not chivalrous that's just desperate and overbearing. They 

@Sgthaytham

There is nothing wrong with having your own standards and expectations. Bending over backwards for "chivalry" isn't going to make or break things. And if it does, she's likely not worth it in the first place. 

Providing dinner and drinks for a person  you invite to your home is not desperate or overbearing. It is common courtesy. 

[CollinW]

1 hour ago, princessaurora said:

Providing dinner and drinks for a person  you invite to your home is not desperate or overbearing. It is common courtesy. 

Y'all don't know what common courtesy is apparently. Common means "universal" and the man ensuring he pays for everything under the guise of chivalry isn't universal or bilateral. That's preferential treatment in one direction.

[basil67]

@princessaurora I feel like your message is being lost with pedantic arguments on the words being used to describe the behaviour.  Whatever you want to call it, cooking dinner for your love interest and having a bottle of wine is a fine way to spend an evening.  I've been cooked for by men and I've cooked for them.  It's a thoughtful treat, especially if one is on a budget. 

[princessaurora]

Nobody said he had to pay for everything all the time but being she's low on funds and he invited her to his home, it is the respectable thing to do. It also shows he enjoys her company because he's not putting the date off because she can't contribute at this time. In other words, he's willing to pick up the tab so he can see her again sooner rather than later. 

[princessaurora]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@princessaurora I feel like your message is being lost with pedantic arguments on the words being used to describe the behaviour.  Whatever you want to call it, cooking dinner for your love interest and having a bottle of wine is a fine way to spend an evening.  I've been cooked for by men and I've cooked for them.  It's a thoughtful treat, especially if one is on a budget. 

I totally agree basil. I have both been hosted by and hosted dates in my home and it was always comfortable and enjoyable. When I was invited, I almost  always brought a dessert or a bottle of wine and vice versa.  But if the OP were to delay seeing her again because she doesn't get paid for another week, I would imagine she'd feel like she wasn't that important to him and move on to someone who showed more interest. Fortunately, he stepped up and offered to host, so I hope all goes well and they have a fantastic time. 🙂

[Sgthaytham]

She came over last night, had such a great time. She was all over me, showering me with with obviously genuine affection. She even called me “babe” when we were lying in bed. 
 

She even teased me saying “Since when is a Brit so good at cooking?”

I just replied “You’ve seen nothing yet”

She playfully slapped me and looked at me with those goo-goo eyes. 
 

She only left 2 hours ago so she could go to work. 

[Sgthaytham]

I’ve got to say, there’s a lot of projection going on in this thread

[Girl Fade Away]

9 hours ago, Sgthaytham said:

I’ve got to say, there’s a lot of projection going on in this thread

That is probably true as it is on most threads and forums like this.  We respond based on things that have worked for us, the values we were raised with, our environment, and what turns each of us ON.  What we enjoy doing and what gives us pleasure.

This holds true for both women and men as there are men who DO actually enjoy treating a woman they invite out on a date.  My dad is this way.  Very kind and generous.  So is my boyfriend.  Most of my boyfriends have been this way, that is how they were raised. 

Does not have to be an elaborate dinner, but simply the gesture of treating when you have invited a woman out on a date or over to yours for dinner is kind and gracious and speaks to the type of man he is.

NOT a "beta provider," a negative term that gets tossed around a lot on men's forums, but a kind, courteous and generous man.  

That does not mean the woman sits back being entitled, she reciprocates in her own way or she will initiate and treat once in a while too.  A balance of give and take. 

Those are the BEST relationships at least to me and yes I am projecting.  Most definitely projecting.  I am not alone in that mindset either. 

That said, I am thrilled this is working out for you.  I mentioned before but clearly she is VERY into you.  👍. 

What is also clear is that she does not place a high on who pays and paying her own way when she is invited out on a date.  

And since you are more inclined to NOT want to treat a woman you invite out either, you are therefore a great fit for each other!  

So enjoy.  Be happy, that is all that matters at the end of the day.

Edited November 25, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Sgthaytham]

I’ve also noticed that she’s started to call me babe

[Girl Fade Away]

45 minutes ago, Sgthaytham said:

I’ve also noticed that she’s started to call me babe

We or many of us (myself) have already acknowledged she is into you.  See last few paragraphs of my previous post. 

No need to convince us or are you  trying to convince yourself?

Again, enjoy be happy.  You seem like a good fit for each other.  So relax mate it's all good. 

Edited November 25, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Sgthaytham]

1 hour ago, Girl Fade Away said:

We or many of us (myself) have already acknowledged she is into you.  See last few paragraphs of my previous post. 

No need to convince us or are you  trying to convince yourself?

Again, enjoy be happy.  You seem like a good fit for each other.  So relax mate it's all good. 

Ngl I struggle with doubts quite often. Those doubts often go away when I see her in person. I have been working on them, though. 
 

A big part of me wants to relax and take it easy, but there’s a small part that’s trying to convince me she doesn’t, or she’s playing with me or whatever. 
 

 

[Alpacalia]

So I wonder how you drew that conclusion based on all the good things you just mentioned.

1 hour ago, Sgthaytham said:

A big part of me wants to relax and take it easy, but there’s a small part that’s trying to convince me she doesn’t, or she’s playing with me or whatever. 

 

[Sgthaytham]

6 hours ago, Alpaca said:

So I wonder how you drew that conclusion based on all the good things you just mentioned.

 

I really don’t know

[Alpacalia]

18 minutes ago, Sgthaytham said:

I really don’t know

Maybe you just have a dash of uncertainty about her because it's still very new and maybe you're starting to really like her.

Which is completely normal.

Sometimes it stems from self-doubt and personal insecurity other times there are reasons that are being given by the other person to make us feel that way.

So you kind of have to figure out which is which.