So I think I might have been rejected?

[Girl Fade Away]

2 hours ago, Sgthaytham said:

I don't think she's 'leading' per se... But she it definitely seems like she wants to see me more often now

Yeah she is, 'per se' or not.  Unless I am missing something, so far SHE is doing all the lifting. Initiating the dates, inviting you over to hers twice whereas from what I read, you have not taken her out once, except the first meet which was mutual and she paid.   SHE is serenading French love songs to you via socials.  

That is taking the lead..  But hey it's OK, it sounds fun, and she's into you, obviously.  So enjoy, try to not overthink it.  😍

 

Edited December 1, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Sgthaytham]

55 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Yeah she is, 'per se' or not.  Unless I am missing something, so far SHE is doing all the lifting. Initiating the dates, inviting you over to hers twice whereas from what I read, you have not taken her out once, except the first meet which was mutual and she paid.   SHE is serenading French love songs to you via socials.  

That is taking the lead..  But hey it's OK, it sounds fun, and she's into you, obviously.  So enjoy, try to not overthink it.  😍

 

She sent me a video of her singing to me, which to me is her pursuing. 
 

After she sent me the video, I asked her out for this Saturday, which to me is leading. 
 

I really don’t see the big deal of us going Dutch. I understand you guys think I should be paying because I’m the one asking her out. There’s absolutely no resentment from my end about sharing the costs, and I don’t think there’s any from her as she’s the one who paid for one or two rounds of drinks and the second time we played arcade. 
 

A girl who offers to pay rounds is an absolute diamond in my books. 

[Alpacalia]

It's okay that she's leading, although I dislike those terms in general, but the thing is you don't want this to burn out too fast.

You've had several home dates and the video singing thing (which is nice).

But it can be hard to see whether or not someone is a good match for you and ensure that you are aware of the situation with all those swirly hormones floating around. So, just something to be mindful of. Which, I'm sure you are.

And, it's good that you're going to the football (soccer game).

Edited December 1, 2021 by Alpaca

[Girl Fade Away]

15 minutes ago, Sgthaytham said:

She sent me a video of her singing to me, which to me is her pursuing. 
 

After she sent me the video, I asked her out for this Saturday, which to me is leading. 
 

I really don’t see the big deal of us going Dutch. I understand you guys think I should be paying because I’m the one asking her out. There’s absolutely no resentment from my end about sharing the costs, and I don’t think there’s any from her as she’s the one who paid for one or two rounds of drinks and the second time we played arcade. 
 

A girl who offers to pay rounds is an absolute diamond in my books. 

Dude it's cool, no need to get defensive.  She's into you!  👍  Going Dutch is fine now that we have learned more about her.  No one is judging and again try to not overthink and over-analyze.  So reading your post, it sounds like no one is leading, it is an equal give and take.  Awesome.  Everyone has their own style.   Enjoy and let it take you wherever it's meant to take you.  

Edited December 1, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Sgthaytham]

Date last night went really well. 

We went to three different places from 8pm till 1am. 

Something interesting happened, and it made me think. 

So basically she has a male flatmate who's an absolute tool. Like a stage 100 clinger, who she rejected after he made it clear he wanted to be more than friends. 

Anyway, she mentioned how her ex bfs were clingy too and didn't give her space, constantly needed reassurance. 

It kind of feels like she's telling me "This is why I ended things with them, don't do it"

Not in the warning sense, but the advice. Like she's opening up about what she dislikes. 

[Wiseman2]

Yeah, the roommate thing is a red flag. Especially that she needed to tell you he has the hots for her.

[Sgthaytham]

41 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yeah, the roommate thing is a red flag. Especially that she needed to tell you he has the hots for her.

Why would it be a red flag?

 

 

[ASG]

3 hours ago, Sgthaytham said:

Why would it be a red flag?

 

 

People here on LS like to dramatise and make everything into a problem. 

 

The flatmate thing could be a problem, mostly for her. But there's also not a lot that can be done about it. The only way you get rid of a flatmate is if they move or you move, but moving is expensive and not always something you can do at the drop of a hat. 

Personally, I wouldn't move because a flatmate has the hots for me. Not unless things got really bad. 

[Sgthaytham]

5 hours ago, ASG said:

People here on LS like to dramatise and make everything into a problem. 

 

The flatmate thing could be a problem, mostly for her. But there's also not a lot that can be done about it. The only way you get rid of a flatmate is if they move or you move, but moving is expensive and not always something you can do at the drop of a hat. 

Personally, I wouldn't move because a flatmate has the hots for me. Not unless things got really bad. 

She went into detail of what happened between her and her flatmate. Basically he was a stalker. Now they don't speak at all. So I don't think there's anything to worry about. 

All I'm asking is whether what she said to me about her exes is her letting me know where they went wrong. 

[Alpacalia]

I think she's simply trying to convey that she dislikes clinginess in general.

Most people do.

10 hours ago, Sgthaytham said:

Anyway, she mentioned how her ex bfs were clingy too and didn't give her space, constantly needed reassurance. 

 

[Sgthaytham]

18 hours ago, Alpaca said:

I think she's simply trying to convey that she dislikes clinginess in general.

Most people do.

 

I think that’s it. It’s not so much of a warning, but just some advice for me. 
 

We don’t need to be texting or calling eachother all the time, we have our own lives in between dates. I think things are going well. 

[Sgthaytham]

I would also like to say just how good I think our dates are going.  

I invite her out for one thing, but I also have other plans if I feel the date is going well. So it's not just one place. 

And so Saturday, just like our first date, we ended up going to three different places, and then ended up at mine. 

We met a 8pm and our dates ended around 1 am... We were at mine at around 2 am. Drank some more wine and watched a movie. 

I hope it was a good time for her too. 

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, Sgthaytham said:

I think that’s it. It’s not so much of a warning, but just some advice for me. 
 

We don’t need to be texting or calling eachother all the time, we have our own lives in between dates. I think things are going well. 

It's natural to have constant thoughts about someone you like. That isn't a problem at all. "Clingy" behavior, on the other hand, is undesirable.

So, let me rephrase your question: Why did she object to her ex-boyfriends treating her as if she were a possession and monopolizing her time or needing constant reassurance from her?

Would you put up with such treatment for a long time? Most likely not, because you have other commitments and want some control over your own life.

At the same time, I think these are opportunities for you to check in with yourself and ask, "Is this a red flag about this individual, or is anything coming up for me around this?"

Edited December 6, 2021 by Alpaca

[Sgthaytham]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

It's natural to have constant thoughts about someone you like. That isn't a problem at all. "Clingy" behavior, on the other hand, is undesirable.

So, let me rephrase your question: Why did she object to her ex-boyfriends treating her as if she were a possession and monopolizing her time or needing constant reassurance from her?

Would you put up with such treatment for a long time? Most likely not, because you have other commitments and want some control over your own life.

At the same time, I think these are opportunities for you to check in with yourself and ask, "Is this a red flag about this individual, or is anything coming up for me around this?"

The way I look at it, it doesn't seem to be a red flag that she brought it up. 

 If anything, she's showing she trusts me. 

Of course I wouldn't want to be barraged with texts and calls and someone constantly asking me for validation. That would be horrible. 

I mean, it doesn't really matter if I feel like I haven't done anything to suggest being clingy...

I don't feel I have. I don't sense anything I could have done or said that may have gotten her worried. 

Im enjoying the moments we have with her, and I feel like I'm giving her more than enough room. 

Only she could tell me if I'm being clingy. 

And, from experience, a woman who feels clamped down would say "I need space" or something of the like. 

 

 

[Grey40]

8 hours ago, Sgthaytham said:

The way I look at it, it doesn't seem to be a red flag that she brought it up. 

 If anything, she's showing she trusts me. 

Of course I wouldn't want to be barraged with texts and calls and someone constantly asking me for validation. That would be horrible. 

I mean, it doesn't really matter if I feel like I haven't done anything to suggest being clingy...

I don't feel I have. I don't sense anything I could have done or said that may have gotten her worried. 

Im enjoying the moments we have with her, and I feel like I'm giving her more than enough room. 

Only she could tell me if I'm being clingy. 

And, from experience, a woman who feels clamped down would say "I need space" or something of the like. 

 

 

Yeah, keep going with what you're doing. Honestly I'm not a fan of her telling you that literally on one of the first few dates, it seems a little extra revealing for someone you barely know. I personally wouldn't keep dating a girl who lives with a straight male that wants to get into her pants, would keep me up at night. She can say she doesn't want him and she rejected him, but you don't know her that well...they could have dated in the past, or been FWB at one point etc. She's not going to tell you that up front if true. Not saying she's a liar either, but you have to keep in mind that you do not really know her or her tendencies. If you really like her, keep doing what you're doing, stay vigilant (watch/listen for any weird clues or hints that she's being inconsistent with her story).

 

Could be she mentioned it to kind of test you, see how you'd react...since all her other exes probably were very controlling and possessive. OR she's letting you know he's kind of still in the picture...who knows. But she felt compelled to mention it for some reason, and I'd look into it closer.

[Wiseman2]

It's going great, don't overanalyze. 

There's no secret message, she's simply 'sharing' as her way of building rapport.

[Sgthaytham]

2 hours ago, Grey40 said:

Yeah, keep going with what you're doing. Honestly I'm not a fan of her telling you that literally on one of the first few dates, it seems a little extra revealing for someone you barely know. I personally wouldn't keep dating a girl who lives with a straight male that wants to get into her pants, would keep me up at night. She can say she doesn't want him and she rejected him, but you don't know her that well...they could have dated in the past, or been FWB at one point etc. She's not going to tell you that up front if true. Not saying she's a liar either, but you have to keep in mind that you do not really know her or her tendencies. If you really like her, keep doing what you're doing, stay vigilant (watch/listen for any weird clues or hints that she's being inconsistent with her story).

 

Could be she mentioned it to kind of test you, see how you'd react...since all her other exes probably were very controlling and possessive. OR she's letting you know he's kind of still in the picture...who knows. But she felt compelled to mention it for some reason, and I'd look into it closer.

It could possibly be a test, you're right. 

I just asked her questions, let speak and stuff. The night went really well though, I think. 

I will definitely keep my eyes and ears open for anything. 

Maybe she felt compelled to tell me because she's comfortable, or maybe even cares. Idk. 

 

Also, about her flatmate. Yeah I have no idea if anything did happen between them, but on the face of it it seems like he made an advance, she rejected him and he was this bitter "nice guy". 

I've seen him once, when she invited me over for dinner at hers, and he was really cold, even towards me. 

But you're spot on with your assessment 

Edited December 7, 2021 by Sgthaytham

[Grey40]

Just now, Sgthaytham said:

It could possibly be a test, you're right. 

I just asked her questions, let speak and stuff. The night went really well though, I think. 

I will definitely keep my eyes and ears open for anything. 

Maybe she felt compelled to tell me because she's comfortable, or maybe even cares. Idk. 

Yeah, she's not doing any of this stuff consciously, it's just part of her nature. After dealing with many controlling, possessive, clingy exes she's built an internal defense mechanism to filter out those kinds of guys, and maybe bringing up situations like that is a gauge for her. Either way, I wouldn't read too much into it, it's too early on. Keep going on dates and just keep an eye out for any other potential red flags. It's very easy to gloss over that stuff in the beginning, but it always comes to bite you in the ass.

[Sgthaytham]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's going great, don't overanalyze. 

There's no secret message, she's simply 'sharing' as her way of building rapport.

Thanks. You're right about the rapport. I think it's indicative of her level of comfort. 

I do however think that her sharing her likes and dislikes are important. 

 

[Sgthaytham]

2 minutes ago, Grey40 said:

Yeah, she's not doing any of this stuff consciously, it's just part of her nature. After dealing with many controlling, possessive, clingy exes she's built an internal defense mechanism to filter out those kinds of guys, and maybe bringing up situations like that is a gauge for her. Either way, I wouldn't read too much into it, it's too early on. Keep going on dates and just keep an eye out for any other potential red flags. It's very easy to gloss over that stuff in the beginning, but it always comes to bite you in the ass.

I agree 100%

What I mustn't forget is that she's on probation too. 

We've only known eachother for like a month or so. 

She's already shown me a lot of positive things, but I can't let those things cloud my judgment. 

I can imagine that a lot of women, especially nowadays, have their guards up due to bad experiences in the past. This is totally understandable, because I've heard some pretty horrible stories of stalkers and abusers. 

She's probably thinking "Is he the right guy for me, let's see how it goes"

And I should be like that too. 

Yes I really like her, but I want to take things slowly and calmly and really see how she is as a person. 

[Grey40]

5 minutes ago, Sgthaytham said:

I agree 100%

What I mustn't forget is that she's on probation too. 

We've only known eachother for like a month or so. 

She's already shown me a lot of positive things, but I can't let those things cloud my judgment. 

I can imagine that a lot of women, especially nowadays, have their guards up due to bad experiences in the past. This is totally understandable, because I've heard some pretty horrible stories of stalkers and abusers. 

She's probably thinking "Is he the right guy for me, let's see how it goes"

And I should be like that too. 

Yes I really like her, but I want to take things slowly and calmly and really see how she is as a person. 

Probation? Is she a drug addict?

[Sgthaytham]

12 minutes ago, Grey40 said:

Probation? Is she a drug addict?

I don't mean probation in that sense. 

I mean, I'm monitoring her behaviour, how she acts, how she is. I'm not rushing. 

For the time being there have been lots of green flags, but, like you said, I'm keeping my eye out and not glossing over anything bad. 

[Girl Fade Away]

3 hours ago, Sgthaytham said:

I'm monitoring her behaviour, how she acts, how she is. I'm not rushing. 

Perhaps 'evaluating' her behavior would be more accurate. Monitoring sounds controlling, but it was obvious what you meant, at least to me.  And I think evaluating each other for long term potential assuming that is what you both want is smart.  

I see nothing questionable about her sharing with you why she and her ex broke up - because he was clingy.  She was stating a fact, he was clingy and she eventually turned off.

Try to not read too much into or overthink every little comment.  Relax, enjoy.  Let it take you wherever it's meant to take you.  Which it sounds like what you are doing. 

Good luck to both!  ❤

[Alpacalia]

15 hours ago, Sgthaytham said:

The way I look at it, it doesn't seem to be a red flag that she brought it up. 

 If anything, she's showing she trusts me. 

Of course I wouldn't want to be barraged with texts and calls and someone constantly asking me for validation. That would be horrible. 

I mean, it doesn't really matter if I feel like I haven't done anything to suggest being clingy...

I don't feel I have. I don't sense anything I could have done or said that may have gotten her worried. 

Im enjoying the moments we have with her, and I feel like I'm giving her more than enough room. 

Only she could tell me if I'm being clingy. 

And, from experience, a woman who feels clamped down would say "I need space" or something of the like. 

 

 

Well, she mentioned that all of them were clingy.

That may be a red flag, or not.

But, yes, enjoy the cute little love bubble-bae time. 

It's still early days. 

 

 

 

[Sgthaytham]

She sent me a text asking if I wanted to join her with some other friends tonight. Unfortunately I can't make it since I've already made plans for tonight, so I said that I really want to see her again, asked for her schedule next week and set a date for next Friday. 

She then sent me a photo of her drinking with friends and having a good time saying "This is what you're missing 😉". Cheeky lol