Trying to figure out the signs (merged threads - updated 2023)

[NewfieEd]

So me and my girlfriend broke up 5-6 months ago. We didn’t talk until the last month or so. She told me she had been seeing someone. So since, I have talked provocative and sent pictures to which she has said “you need to be good, I can’t send this type of picture “ yet she has sent pictures of her toys soaked in her juices. I drove by her house tonight as she has wrote me back and her new mans vehicle is in the driveway. After she sent me dirty pics today. So do I Fight for her attention or let it rest… 

Edited March 11, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, NewfieEd said:

 yet she has sent pictures of her toys soaked in her juices. I drove by her house tonight as she has wrote me back and her new mans vehicle is in the driveway. 

How long were you dating? What was the breakup about?

Don't stalk. 

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Why bother sexting anyone when she's with another guy?

[usa1ah]

I would send her current bf the text that the two of you have shared. 
 

When did they start dating?

 

Did she cheat on you with him? 
 

Did she monkey branch from you to him?

[NewfieEd]

Hi there, I’m looking for advice on a breakup and where to go from here.

Me and my ex found each other in 2016. We were a perfect match we spent all our time together, enjoyed each other’s company, we were inseparable.

The first year was great, the second year was good and going into the third year things started to become bad. I had started a small business she didn’t want me too and I invested a lot of my money into it and the venture didn’t work out. We broke up after it because she said i wasn’t willing to consider her in my choices.

we broke up for a year, after a year we reconciled and things started great, then she wanted me to move out with her but I wasn’t sure about it and was hesitant, this caused a month or two of not being happy with each other and we broke up again.

we have been broke up for some time, it gave me time to get my thoughts straight and I realized I was most of the problem. So I started to change my life so I could give her what she needed. 
 
I reached out to her and she responded right away, we began talking and then she said before this goes to far I need you to know I am dating someone and you can’t just swoop back into my life and expect me to drop everything for you. Which, looking at now is understandable. That was a few weeks ago and we have spoken on the phone, we were texting pretty regularly but then she started telling me to stop confusing her and she became hot and cold. Last night for instance she sent me a funny picture of her and her friends and she has sent me pics Dressed up for work and pictures of her dog but then she may go cold for a day or two. 
 

I have expressed my feelings for her and let her know how I feel but lately we haven’t talked about that (the last week or so).

she said one evening she would meet but told me also said she didn’t think it was a good idea. 
 

At this point what do I do? I love her deep down in my heart I’m willing to make the commitment to her. Just trying to figure out do I leave her alone? Do I start letting her know again how I feel? Do I block her? Where is her head in all this? 
 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Stop all communication with her. 

She is dating someone else and having you around on stand-by is not fair to anyone involved. Tell her that you don't wish to keep in touch as long as she's dating anyone else, and end it right there. No more texting, no more phone calls, no more "look-at-me" pics from her. 

You will know fairly quickly if she has any intention of trying to rekindle something with you. But don't position yourself as her Plan B while she figures it out. 

[glows]

5 hours ago, NewfieEd said:

So I started to change my life so I could give her what she needed. 

This may be your problem. You are changing for someone else, not for you. That means you will keep seeking for answers from her indefinitely and never really be self-sufficient or successful on your own. Don't look to her for confirmation or praise or affirmation that what you're doing is right. Have your own convictions and let that be enough, well enough to sustain you many, many years from now - with her, without her, with someone else, whatever the future has in its plans for you.

I believe she's nostalgic about you but distrusts you deep down. You are unstable and may go where the wind blows if something fancies you. Put down roots of your own and start thinking about your future. When the time is right for you, find someone else to share your life with. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, NewfieEd said:

  she said before this goes to far I need you to know I am dating someone and you can’t just swoop back into my life 

Sorry this is happening. On off relationships mean there's chronic unresolved issues and basic incompatibilities. 

You need to focus on getting your own place and income producing work.

Don't backpedal. Move forward.

She not only is done with your antics, she's moved on and has a BF.

Make a clean break so you can get on with your life. Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women. Start fresh.

 

[NewfieEd]

Me and my gf broke up for the second time a year ago. So I have been single ever since. I wrote her maybe a month ago said so sorry for everything I put you through because a lot of it was me not willing to compromise.
 

We started chatting a bit I poured my heart out we continued to talk she said to me that I can’t just walk back into her life and she is seeing someone else and is happy. So during all this talking over a week or so it used to go good then probably not talk, she sent me pics of herself after a workout and these things.
 

So anyway we didn’t talk much for a week then the last two weeks we have been talking quite a bit. So I told her I wanted to drop off a few things I had belonging to her. When I showed up we chatted and she said she is happy with the new guy she is dating, that she still has a spot in her heart for me and in 10 years her heart will still skip a beat thinking about me, but she said you just couldn’t get it together and I don’t know if you ever will.
 

So I gave her a hug and she had her arms crossed I said atleast give me a hug she said I don’t want you to see my nipples hard and think it’s because it’s sexual. So I kept hugging her then she hauled up her sweater while covering her boobs with her hands because she didn’t have a bra and she put her chest against the wall and said I’m just too warm, not like you haven’t seen it before so don’t get any ideas. So I tried a little bit to try and kiss her and she said no no I can’t do it to the guy I’m seeing.
 

So then we continued ti talk and at the end I hauled out a Christmas card with a personal message and gave it to her. She wrote me after and said thank you, that was so sweet and we continued to talk, she asked if I still found her attractive, if I still cared etc. So the next day I had flowers sent to her saying love pop because her pop died a few weeks ago. She said oh my god I ugly cried thank you so much. They are beautiful, all of this, then we talked and then she went cold and I was like wtf is going on. Is she fighting feelings for me? Does she have zero interest? Is she trying to keep me around as option number 2 I just can’t figure it out

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, NewfieEd said:

 she said she is happy with the new guy she is dating, she said you just couldn’t get it together and I don’t know if you ever will.

What were the break-ups about? What does she mean by "couldn't get it together"?

She has a BF so it sounds like you're in the friendzone now. Step back from this.

Edited December 25, 2021 by Wiseman2

[glows]

Ouch. “You just couldn’t get it together and I don’t know if you ever will.” 

I’m sorry, OP. This little rendezvous was only homage and a goodbye to the past. She remembers you but doesn’t respect or trust you.

Unfortunately that you walked right into her charms and seemed tempted to lure her away from her current man doesn’t put you in a good light. Less respect for you. It may not seem that way because she was also participating but she got what she wanted: validation and a nice ego boost. 

While returning back to apologize seems like good intentions it’s rarely a good idea.

You’ll demonstrate much more clearly how sorry you are by moving on with your life and also giving her the respect to move on with hers. 

[NewfieEd]

Me and my ex go back to August 2016, we were together until 2020 and for another stint in 2021. We broke up because I could never fully give her what she wanted, I was determined to start my own business and it got between our views and relationship.

I gave up on the idea and came back to school out of state. Before I left the state in February 2022 her grandfather died and I sent her flowers (she was seeing another man for the previous 4 months before this) she thanked me, I said I would like to see her, she agreed and I went over to her place and we ended up naked and some touching etc happened and then she told me she would see me when I was back in state in April for a visit. 
 

Then she wrote me later in February said she made a mistake it wouldn’t happen again and she went cold. We have talked a few times since but she isn’t too engaging. I recently asked her how everything was and she just said everything is fine, hope you are well. She is still seeing the same guy.
 

I’m now back in state and wondering should I pursue her or leave her alone, she was the love of my life and I think about her a lot. Now that I finally have my life together is it worth it? Or should I leave her alone and if she is interested in talking she will? Also should I have her on my social media? Or should I delete? 
 

Thanks for the advice.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, NewfieEd said:

She is still seeing the same guy.

As long as she is with someone step back. Keep in mind on/off relationships are fraught with headaches, heartaches and drama combined with chronic unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts. Just like this. You get reeled in then it's hot/cold again.

[glows]

She’s with someone else and it sounds like she cheated on him too. You can do so much better than this. Yes, block and remove her from all contacts, social media and otherwise. Free yourself (it doesn’t happen automatically). You’re going to have to actually remove yourself actively from anything having to do with her. 

Interesting that you mentioned “love of your life”. Would any true love behave like this with you or another man? You care a great deal about her but this is food for thought.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, NewfieEd said:

she was the love of my life

Was. 

That was then. This is now. And she is showing you that the woman she is today is not great. I think you need to let go of the idealized version you have in your head of her, because that's not reality anymore. She is now someone whose moral compass is quite tarnished and can't be trusted. 

Let him have her. Block her so you can move on, and find someone with a better character. 

[Foxhall]

Your headline question there- that is one of life's great questions isnt it? The answer seems easier for some people than others- personally have struggled a little with it over the years I guess, but far from finished yet.

Your situation seems clearcut enough- you had a five/six year relationship,

she has decided now she wants to make a go of it with this other guy, your relationship has run its course.

time to move on look for a new model- an upgrade perhaps?

 

Edited June 4, 2022 by Foxhall

[mark clemson]

The right direction is away. When someone tells you they're over you and pulls away fully and rebuffs any further overtures (as she has done) you need to realize that, despite how you may feel, they are quite serious about ending things fully, completely, and forever.

Be mature. Recognize the above, recognize that this person is in your past, and work on moving on to a new love. "You can never go back" as the saying goes. You posted this under "Second Chances" but if you're completely honest with yourself, you'll see that for better or worse there is no second chance here.

Edited June 8, 2022 by mark clemson

[smackie9]

wow you should have found a new GF by now. 

[NewfieEd]

Hi guys, I went out on and off with a girl for almost 5 years, 3.5 years steady. We broke up like probably 18 months ago. About a year ago she started dating a new guy. About 10 months ago I went to see her before I moved away for training for a new job, and we had a sexual encounter. She said we would talk again in April when I was coming back for a visit. After I went away she wrote me and said she made a mistake and we never really talked again after. 2 months ago met her at a bar and we talked a little, danced a few times and she said “she thinks of me as her best friend still”, I told her if I can’t be a part of her life I’m not interested in being friends. She erased me from all social media, I followed her lead and did the same. Recently, the last month or so she has viewed all my Instagram stories, even though we don’t follow each other. Her sister in law also always views them. Is there a reason for this? Should I reach out or just forget it?

[glows]

Looking through your previous posts about this person makes me think it’s time to move on. Is there a reason you haven’t blocked her?

[Acacia98]

Don't reach out. Just block her as well as her sister-in-law. If with all the time you spent together and your history together, she wasn't able to figure out whether you were the right man for her, then it's time to close that chapter. You seem unable to move on with all these peeks they're taking at your social media. So help yourself move on by blocking them.

Also, I think you need to work on your self-esteem. She's not even throwing you measly breadcrumbs and you're here contemplating reaching out. Why are you seemingly okay with the idea of encouraging a one-sided dynamic? Don't you think you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who actually wants to be in a relationship with you and will make the effort to show it unambiguously?

Edited November 29, 2022 by Acacia98

[JTSW]

No, don't reach out.

Be done with this mess once and for all.

There has been too much back n forth or her part and that is not someone you want to waste anymore time on.

Move on.

Block her and anyone associated with her.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, NewfieEd said:

Hi guys, I went out on and off with a girl for almost 5 years,   Should I reach out or just forget it?

Free both yourselves from this nebulous situation. Make a clean break.

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

This way you can move forward without the background noise.

[NewfieEd]

Me and my ex dated on and off for 5 years. We broke up finally about a year and a half ago, I will say it was mostly my fault because I couldn’t get my life together. She started dating someone else in the time since (about the last year). Last week my ex’s best friend wrote me and asked me to meet her and my ex for a few drinks. I said no but then said shag it ok I will. She didn’t tell my ex we were meeting up, so we got there we were all having fun and laughing when my ex went to the washroom her friends told me her and her boyfriend haven’t gotten along in a few months and they are “broke up”. So I left that evening and went home And my ex added me to Snapchat, we talked for an hour she told me she missed me, she’s going through a rough time, that she deleted me from social media because her ex wanted her to. Then at the end of the conversation she said “I need to delete you again for now”. We haven’t spoken since but she views all my Instagram stories. What is going on here? Is she interested in me? Is she still with her bf? Is she going through emotion because of a break up? I can’t figure it out 

[basil67]

I've sometimes stalked the socials of my exes to see what they are up to.  Doesn't mean anything other than that fact that I'm a busybody.

Anyway, this has been going on for ages and you're still bothered by it.  Best to take the previous advice and block her so that you don't have to worry about it.

[JTSW]

You need to cut contact with her for good.

She is too much of a mess and doesn't know what she wants.

I can guarantee that she is still with her bf.

Block for good.