After 13 years, all of a sudden, wife's past bothering me

[37andConfused]

Hello all,

 

L-O-N-G outpouring of thoughts. please bear with me.

 

First some background:

 

I'm 37, have been married for 10 years (+ 3 years dating before) = 13 years together. She's 43. We have 3 kids. She has been absolutely faithful to me all the time I've known her and vice versa. My wife is the first (and last) person I have slept with. I'm probably her 5th or 6th lover.

 

Lately, some of my subconscious feelings have exploded to the surface and i'm having trouble dealing with them. Here goes:

 

When my wife and I started dating 13 years ago, on the 2nd night we spent together, she got a phone call at 2 AM. She quickly answered, said "I'm with someone" and hung up. I was curious as to who was calling in the middle of the night (emergency?).

 

A few weeks later, we had the "past relationship" talk. I find out that the guy who called in the middle of the night is an ex-ex-boyrfriend. He's a black guy who she had had a relationship with years prior (she's white). Then they broke up and she moved out of the country. About two years before we started dating, she moved back to the US and initiated contact with him again. Only this time, it wasn't a true relationship - mostly sex. Kinda bothered me, but i moved on. She explained that the phone sex wasn't her idea.

 

She did tell me over and over and over again that I was the best lover she'd ever had. She said she'd only had a few orgasms before me. All her previous lovers were pretty much 'on me', 'off me' as she explained. With me, she was coming pretty much every time. She said I was an incredible lover. I believe her.

 

Later, when we were moving in together, I was moving her stuff out and came across some stuff: a sexually explicit letter that he had written to her about a month before we broke up. Like a moron, I read it (mistake #1). A letter that she had written to him. I read that too (mistake #2). Not as explict, but nevertheless, saying something like "I was wondering last night if you would call" . I also found a book called VOX about phone sex. Seems like she enjoyed it too.

 

This stuff bothered me terribly at first, but I buried the thoughts because I truly loved her. We got married, had kids, etc. etc. Fast forward 10 years. Three kids later, our sex drives are not on the same level anymore - mine being higher. A few weeks ago, I wanted to spice things up, so i suggested some simple experimentation (shaving down there, using toys during sex, etc) She didn't seem too interested.

 

All of a sudden, thoughts that I had buried years before started exploding to the surface. Thoughts like:

- "Wait, she experimented with this guy years ago, gave him phone sex in the middle of the night, was pretty much his sexual plaything. I come along, take care of her and she doesn't want to do anything I ask?".

- "If she actually read a book on phone sex so she could give him better phone sex, she went out of the way to service someone who was just using her. Yet she's never given me phone sex. True, I haven't pressured her into doing it, but she hasn't offered either."

- I even think "She was essentially his whore, doing things for him even if she didn't want to."

 

I'm starting to obsess over the relationship she had with him. I picture them having phone sex and then actually meeting in person to act out those fantasies. Even when we have sex or are just together, these thoughts are running thru my head.

 

I have three kids with this woman. She's a great person and has never done anything during the course of our relationship to cause me any worry. She's a good mother and gets along great with my parents. If I didn't know anything about this one relationship, I would count myself a very lucky man. NONE of her other relationships bother me in the least, because they were true relationships, unlike this one.

 

But why is this bothering me SO MUCH suddenly after all these years. Especially, when I've been pretty happy for the last 10 years? I even considered having an affair just so I could have some different sexual experiences too (revenge?)

 

I DO NOT want to break up my marriage. I just want to forget all about this one relationship. Would Yoga or Hypnotherapy or something help me forget something like this?

 

As I mentioned, if it were not for this one thing, I would be a very happy man.

 

She knows I've been confused lately, but she doesn't know why. I don't want to tell her and make her feel bad about things in her past, that she cannot change.

 

Any help at all would be appreciated.

[laRubiaBonita]

well, i think she deserves an explaination of your recent behaviour....and this was all 13 years ago, if you brought it up and said you needed to talk about it, i would hope she would be cool with it.

 

would you rather tear apart your marriage over your active imagination, or find out the truth and quell your thoughts?

[Craig]

She's changed (as have you) and doesn't have an interest in doing some of those things that she MAY have done in the past. Accept things the way they are, many people would love to have your life. Focus on what is now and not what you think was or could be. Like you said you are a very lucky man, enjoy it.

[Neptune]

You probably need to bring this up or it may forever be a problem. In a way, it needs to be said but just don`t mention anything about being someones whore or whatever. Just treat the other guys like they were all legit relationships and continue to respect them as such. The good thing is all this went on before you two got together. Yes, she was doing her thing before she met you but you do in fact seem to be the one she chose and fortunately has been faithful.

 

Remind her that she is your only one and she is going to have to be the one to fulfill all your sexual fantasies. I think that is what this is all about.

[AlmostMarried77]

One thing that stood out when i was reading that...

 

She EXPERIMENTED with him... she probably realised once that finished that she doesn't need that crap for a happy marriage and what was more important was being with a man who didn't go forcing hs desires on her but treated her as a partner instead of a sex thing.

 

I really understand why your thinking like you are... but that part of her life, by the sounds of things, is over. It didn't make her happy. Being with you, the way you are (or at least were before you wanted to do other stuff) made her happy. She doesn't want to do anything you ask because after 10 years of you not asking thats what she knows and likes.

 

10 years is a long time and you can't expect her to have the same sex drive as she did before. She was and most likely is still happy with what you give her. IF you really want to spice things up then tell her what you want to do but DO NOT ask her to do it because she did that stuff before.

 

PS

She herself might have some big regrets over that whole period. So go easy on her if you do bring it up.

[Lizzard]

Okay Kiddo...first off you are not getting any. That is why your imagination is going wild. Hey, you are human. You are looking for an explanation why she isn't giving it up to you.

Three kids? Jesus...sounds like a full time job to me. I bet the woman is overworked.

Everyone has a past. EVERYONE. She married you...and is STILL married to you. So she had some late night phone calls to some man and even had sex with him. Honey, everyone has a past. I can almost promise you...he isn't on her mind. I, as a woman, don't really think about my past lovers. Even the ones I parted with on GOOD terms. Okay you made it sound like you were a virgin when you met her and never had sex with anyone else.

That may be the whole root of the problem.

You are thinking-" Oh I must not satisfy her." OR-" I have a small penis." You may be laughing...but admit it...you think it!

Her not giving you sex has nothing to DO with any of that.

Most of the time when I don't feel like having sex with my husband it's because---it takes more than one kiss to turn me on. I work a lot of hours, sorry you showing me your erection doesn't turn me into a sexual lion. I have plenty on my plate and (I DON'T have kids)---so you cuddling with me ONCE this week doesn't mean I want to rip your clothes off.

Men and women are different.

Don't suggest just shaving down there or sex toys to make her want to leap into bed. Be creative. Find out what she likes, find out what makes her feel sexy, find out if she has any fantasies to share. Have a date night...get rid of the kids! Sounds like hard work?

Marriage always is! Good luck!

[whichwayisup]

Something set you off, either a feeling or a memory. Either way you have to let it go and stay in the now! Her past relationships, in and out of bed helped her be the person she is today. You two have grown together and will continue to grow together...

 

Is it possible that you resent the fact you didn't sleep with anybody else? Her count is higher than yours and maybe you feel you missed out? Just a thought to consider...I could be offbase here, but think about it.

[37andConfused]

whichwayisup - you are absolutely correct. This is exactly how i feel sometimes. not that i'm going to act on that - i have 3 little ones to protect. and i don't really want the kids to grow up in a broken home.

 

thank you all for listening.

[whichwayisup]

Glad to help you. And the fact you have 3 little pair of eyes to look after it is best to get past this. Just remember why you fell inlove with her, the vows, the kids, how much joy they bring to you...That is what counts, not her past experiences. She's with you and only you.

[bradd789]

Your situation is eerily similar to mine.

 

After several years of dealing with these kind of feelings I actually found the answer here...

 

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609608746/002-0633446-2269669?v=glance&n=283155&v=glance

 

You might think this book is too gay for you, but dude, seriously, read it - it totally cured me of this problem. No kidding.

[bradd789]

You're hung up on orgasm. Is that what you're relationship is all about? You're thinking like a typical man, not a woman, and not a superior man. A man that knows anyone can give a woman an orgasm - that's the easy part. Learn to accept this. That anyone can do that. You're hung up on who gives the best orgasms. You are hung up on performance. You will never end your suffering this way. You can never win this battle in your head until you accept that there is nothing special about giving a woman an orgasm. The specialness is the context you give it to her in. You need to show her everyday how rock solid you are - that you are above the other guy(s). You rise above with your mind and your cool and calm response to this. Take your view of all this to a higher perpective. Its a mental thing. The problem is yours. There is nothing sexier than a man that has this mental thing mastered. And listen, she'll test you. All great woman test their men - to see if you are a great man. You pass or fail the test by the way you react. Pull yourself together and be her stud, not between the legs but between the ears. I'm talking about mental toughness - this is what separates real men from guys who just give out orgasms.

 

Dude, its all for you to fix. This problem is your problem. I've been there. That's how I know this. I've been there a long long time. There is an answer.

 

The reason you feel bad is that you are filling in the dots about her past. You are writing a fictious story in your head about her being a whore. Which contrasts with who she is now before you. This story is false. Stop replaying the story. It conflicts with the current reality in front of you. She is not the woman in your bogus story. Its a story your ego created so it can get it's way like a baby. You were not there. You do not know how she felt. End the story, dude. It's not real. It's over. Replace it with the real story: she is a sweet woman, and all she ever wanted was love. You are the one that can give it to her. Your specialness is not orgasm, it is your ability to love HER. No one can take away or compete with YOUR love for HER so focus on that. Penetrate her HARD. Give it to her. But not with your weener, penetrate her with your love - it's all you got and it's bigger than any other guy's.

[bradd789]

One thing I continually remind myself:

 

"Don't act like a pussy to get pussy."

 

Her interest may actually be diminished. Not because you can't make her hot, but becuase her subconcious is picking up the vibe that you feel like the lesser man. This is not true. As soon as you stop believing it, and act like the winner, she'll sense it, and she'll be coming after YOU for some serious action my man;)

[37andConfused]

thank you for the info. I looked it up on amazon and the reviews are amazing. i just ordered it and will keep you posted after i read it.

 

thanks again

[bradd789]

Hey, that's great news. I think you've taken a key step simply by ordering that book. I'd be very interested to hear how it goes for you. I'm telling you, I've been in your exact situation. I didn't believe I could ever get over it. I was wrong. I did.

 

There were other steps I had to take but this book was the most profound of them.

 

You may want to investigate your serotonin levels. Some of us guys have what's called a "hot singulate" in the brain. It's not an uncommon problem. It causes you to dwell on things, like your wife's past, for example. All I'm saying is, don't rule out a possible medical aspect to this. Especially since you feel this came out of nowhere after 13 years. This was true for me.

 

I also started an ambitious excercise program. That was another huge factor in fixing this for me.

 

Between visiting my doctor, working out, and reading that book I mentioned, I've licked this thing. And I'll tell you, I was pretty damn low. I never thought I could pull out. It took some work, but hey, my wife and kids deserve it. Just like yours do.

 

Hey man, I'm such a stud now, don't know how my woman coulda lived without me for so long

 

Please keep me posted. And good luck !