Looking for jealousy advice after breakup :

[DBAY50]

I have spent 5 days completely obliterated through the loss of an ex, a relationship that was extremely intense but only lasted a year and a half. I have been uncontrollably sick and my face is bruised, from all the blood rushing into my face from crying, that my blood vessels burst. I have almost come to terms with it - believe it or not (I get over things abruptly and quickly). The one thought that remains that I am having trouble shifting is the jealousy that she will (and I 100% know she will) sleep with a lot of people to get over me. Whilst I have my moments of clarity, I know it doesn't matter what she does because I choose to let her go, and now she is her own free spirit. It doesn't matter about how many people someone sleeps with or their sexual lifestyle, everyone's coping mechanism is different. But in my moments where I get drawn back into mourning our relationship - my mind is fixated on the image of her enjoying other men, and that I could also go on a shagging spree just so I could compete with her. But the truth is I don't love like that, I don't like going around having sex with everything I see to fill a hole in my heart with sexual validation. Writing this is actually very healing, but any advice for getting over this jealous emotion which still plagues my mind time to time? Thank you all for reading <3.

Edited November 22, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Quokka]

1 hour ago, DBAY50 said:

I have spent 5 days completely obliterated through the loss of an ex, a relationship that was extremely intense but only lasted a year and a half. I have been uncontrollably sick and my face is bruised, from all the blood rushing into my face from crying, that my blood vessels burst. I have almost come to terms with it - believe it or not (I get over things abruptly and quickly). The one thought that remains that I am having trouble shifting is the jealousy that she will (and I 100% know she will) sleep with a lot of people to get over me. Whilst I have my moments of clarity, I know it doesn't matter what she does because I choose to let her go, and now she is her own free spirit. It doesn't matter about how many people someone sleeps with or their sexual lifestyle, everyone's coping mechanism is different. But in my moments where I get drawn back into mourning our relationship - my mind is fixated on the image of her enjoying other men, and that I could also go on a shagging spree just so I could compete with her. But the truth is I don't love like that, I don't like going around having sex with everything I see to fill a hole in my heart with sexual validation. Writing this is actually very healing, but any advice for getting over this jealous emotion which still plagues my mind time to time? Thank you all for reading <3.

Man I wouldn't even worry about it, the fact that she has to do that only proves how into you she really is. She's doing all of that because of YOU. That's how much power and influence you have on her. If she just dumped you and didn't do anything and stayed at home with her normal routine that means she likely didn't care all that much. Let her go do all that s***. It's only going to serve to make her empty, hurt, and confused. She's only being used by those men and she'll realize it. Don't let it get to you. Easier said than done but, you have no control of this you can only control how you react. Put her out of your mind, get off social media and focus on personal growth.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, DBAY50 said:

Writing this is actually very healing, but any advice for getting over this jealous emotion which still plagues my mind time to time?

Time. 

It's only been a few days, from the sounds of it, so you need to be patient with yourself in the healing process. 5 days is a drop in the bucket. Don't force yourself to get over faster than you're really ready for. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, DBAY50 said:

 I choose to let her go, and now she is her own free spirit. 

Sorry this happened. What was the breakup about? 

[DBAY50]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. What was the breakup about? 

She hurt me a lot, we could never have a discussion because she would always turn it into a argument and not even realise she was doing it when I threw the facts in her face. She was naive, insecure, and broken, and it manifested by putting a lot of stress and pain on me. We moved to university together and I thought she understood that I would have to have time apart from her to move in, meet people, learn my course. However when we got here it was issue after issue, I made the effort to meet up with her still despite the fact I was so busy, I invited her to parties, walks, dinner dates, the lot. She always complained that I didn't make enough effort and I was putting her second - ha! She also accused me of not showing enough affection to her in public as girls would flirt with me and ask for my number etc when I wasn't with her, something completely out of my control was somehow my fault. As you can see this drove me mental, and I had to break up with her. She made me freshers month HELL. Her insecurities of losing me pushed me away. It's not like this was the only issue with the relationship, there were many arguments leading up to this moment and it was just the tipping point. It was toxic and made me feel as if I couldn't be myself. We thanked each other for the good times and said we still love each other but we will try to move on, because we couldn't grow together anymore. I tried to make it work, I thought keeping her as a FWB would rekindle the relationship but it made it worse, you can't devolve a relationship that was so strong, I should've known that. We were then completely separated for 2 months, she invited me over so I thought why not lets see what she has to say. We ended up sleeping with each other and I expressed how I still don't want a solid relationship but I'd be prepared to keep seeing her and see where it goes, to see if she had changed. I saw her again 2 days later, and halfway through sex she tells me that she's slept with another man only the day before. Obviously this completely sent me down a spiral and here we are, I'm writing this paragraph online. She was very broken early on in life and she only feels whole through sex, she told me she knew she couldn't be with me but thought we could still have sex and didn't have to be exclusive. We obviously had very different expectations on where this was going. I was completely destroyed because apart of me still held her as mine and it felt like she had violated me by being with that man, but she hadn't, she was trying to get over me, and had some fun. I need to realise she doesn't want a relationship right now with anyone including me and that what I miss, just a memory, sometimes that's all they are, is memories. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, DBAY50 said:

 I threw the facts in her face.. I thought keeping her as a FWB would rekindle the relationship but it made it worse

Good you ended it you are incompatible and both need your freedom. You treated her quite poorly so perhaps next time if you want freedom, don't bother with a GF, just date randomly.

[DBAY50]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Good you ended it you are incompatible and both need your freedom. You treated her quite poorly so perhaps next time if you want freedom, don't bother with a GF, just date randomly.

No I think you miss understand, I didn't treat her poorly ever, we thought we could rekindle the relationship by seeing each other now and then without the emotional ties, we were still exclusive during that time.