breakup after one year of dating

[lake_04]

(most of this is backstory, skip to the bolded word if you aren't interested :) also : tw for self harm and suicide) on november 12, my girlfriend of a little over one year decided that we needed a break. this is the first time that this has happened. we both have a very long and intense history of depression, anxiety, and other problems. so i understood that she needed some time. we went to school like normal and did our normal stuff we do everyday, like meet before school and sit in her car, eat lunch together with our friends, and walk to our cars together. we dont have any classes together. im 17, shes 16, im a senior, shes a junior, but we used to be in the same grade when we met and started dating, i just skipped a grade to graduate early. it felt so off. i knew something was wrong. the next day we did the same routine but after school i had a horrible panic attack while i was driving home. i was stuck sitting in a parking lot for 2 hours, unable to move. i called her and told her i needed to talk to her the next day. we talked and she told me that she had no intention of getting back together. i knew it was coming. i didnt want to hear it but i needed to. since then, i decided i needed space, even though i really didnt want it. so i stopped seeing her in the morning and stopped eating lunch with them and we even parked in different parking lots. i now sit on the floor in a stairwell by myself at lunch. I've been a wreck. i didnt eat for about 4 days, i didnt shower for probably a week, i just showered the other day for the first time since, and ive been so close to relapsing many times. ive been clean almost 7 months now. i struggled with self harm since i was in 8th grade, and every year it has just gotten worse and worse until i tried to commit suicide earlier this year. i also have extremely bad derealization/depersonalization disorder, and i dissociate a lot. back to the breakup. i skipped class multiple times last week to just sit and cry, and really the only feeling i can feel anymore besides sadness is just the overwhelming feeling that everything is just. wrong. i realized that i have nothing besides her. i cant get over her. i love her so, so much. and i know im still just a kid, but ive never felt anything like this before. weve been through so much together and i feel like i wouldnt be where i am today wihtout her. i honestly dont even know if id still be alive. i just dont know what to do. suicide feels like the best option to be honest. not the best, but the easiest. and i dont blame her at all for how im feeling. well, maybe i do a little bit, but i know thats not fair. i really am just glad that shes doing okay. i just dont know how to live without her.

[Quokka]

48 minutes ago, lake_04 said:

i just dont know how to live without her.

Hey man, I know it doesn't feel like it right now but dude, you are so young and I used to HATE when older people would tell me that because I know it feels like its downplaying your situation and how you feel and since you're young it seems like I'm not validating your feelings as real. This is false though. I am 25. I was like you. Depressed, self-harmed, anorexia, the whole 9 yards. I remember a particular break up in High School that just devastated me kind of like how you're describing yours. I will tell you, she's hurting too. She still cares about you and she's not going to forget you. And odds are if you just give her some space and let the relationship breathe, she's likely going to come back to you. But, to do that you need to avoid her like you've been doing but don't make it obvious, focus on areas of your life that you can improve like your health, wealth, and personal growth. Don't contact her. If you feel the urge to send a text write it on a piece of paper and put it away just to get those feelings out. 

If I were you I would send one final message to her and say "Look, I know it's not working out right now and I understand why we need to be apart. I still see a future with us. And I'd like to move in that direction in the future. If you decide not to, that's okay too. I'm going to work on myself and live my life. I wish you the best regardless."

Then after you say that, fall back, start no contact, and work on yourself. Read a book, work out, find a new hobby, watch a comedy movie.

After some time passes, those negative feelings she has for you right now will begin to fade away. She'll become nostalgic and remember only the good things about you. This is called the fading effect bias. Negative memories are forgotten faster than good ones. The more time you stay away from her those feelings will bubble up and she might text you like "hey stranger" that type of thing. Just stay busy and focus on you and she will too.

 

Good luck man.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, lake_04 said:

. suicide feels like the best option to be honest. not the best, but the easiest. 

Please reach out to a suicide hotline. Someone will listen to you and help you. They'll also steer you in the right direction to feel better.

Do you have trusted adults you can talk to? A teacher? Neighbor? Relative? Headaches hurt but they're temporary.

Don't go it alone. Reach out.:

https://www.loveshack.org/crisis/

[spiderowl]

I'm so sorry to hear what happened, lake_04.  I know it doesn't matter what age you are; a break-up can be excruciatingly painful.  We don't always realise until it happens and then the effects can be shocking.  It does not mean you will continue to feel that way though.  You have an inner core that will pull you through this, an inner strength that know you are worth so much more.

I agree with wiseman that you need to reach out to people close to you - family, the local mental health crisis services or helplines, or a priest maybe.  It just helps to share and get different perspectives.  It sounds like you have been struggling with your health problems for a while so it is not surprising that you have been hit very hard by this break up.

I can remember getting horrible physical symptoms after a break-up - panic, fear, heart pounding, unable to sleep, anxiety attacks - yes, you are going through real pain and are feeling scared and shaken.  You probably don't realise you are stronger than you think.  The awful fear and symptoms will fade; I know it doesn't feel like it but they will.  It may take a week or so.  It may take longer for you to be able to go places without associating them with your ex.  The important thing is that this is a human experience which shows you have sensitivity and are capable of feeling love and attachment.  While this can lead to pain, these are still good signs.  If you were disinterested, or uncaring, what sort of person would that make you?

Care for yourself and your feelings at this time, look after yourself, above all do not blame yourself.  Millions of people go through break ups and have all sorts of mixed-up feelings because of it; allow yourself to feel sad and hurt, cry.  Try to avoid turning to harmful things to dull the pain.  You know it won't help in the long run.

That feeling of rejection seemed so significant to me in the past, and then I realised that people are a little like molecules - we bump up against each other randomly, bounce along on our way or sometimes stick.  Sometimes molecules stick together for a short while and move on, sometimes they stick together longer.  Some just seem to swim with the tide.  There seems to be little rhyme or reason to it, except some basic instinct that is obviously pulling these life forms together.  Thinking about it that way, helped to distance me from what is actually just one break up amongst the many others that people have.  I feel there are stronger forces in nature that are behind these things and that blaming ourselves or feeling a failure because of it is to misunderstand the situation.

While to us it is extremely painful to have to move on, there is hope for the future with the right connections and, after a while, a more consistent relationship.  Try not to invest too much at first, take it easy on yourself.

Many people on here do understand and want the best for you.  Please keep on posting as long as it helps.